There was but one remedy to be applied to my unbearable malady--
that remedy which had already been successful in the case of my
suspicions of my mother. I must at once proceed to place the real
in opposition to the suggestions of imagination. I must seek the
presence of the man whom I suspected, look him straight in the
face, and see him as he was, not as my fancy, growing more feverish
day by day, represented him. Then I should discern whether I had
or had not been the sport of a delusion; and the sooner I resorted
to this test the better, for my sufferings were terribly increased
by solitude.
My head became confused; at last I ceased even to doubt. That
which ought to have been only a faint indication, assumed to my
mind the importance of an overwhelming proof. In the interest of
my inquiry itself it was full time to resist this, if I were ever
to pursue my inquiry farther, or else I should fall into the
nervous state which I knew so well, and which rendered any kind of
action in cold blood impossible to me.
I made up my mind to leave Compiegne, see my stepfather, and form
my judgment of whether there was or was not anything in my
suspicions upon the first effect produced on him by my sudden and
unexpected appearance before him. I founded this hope on an
argument which I had already used in the case of my mother, namely,
that if M. Termonde had really been concerned in the assassination
of my father, he had dreaded my aunt's penetration beyond all
things. Their relations had been formal, with an undercurrent of
enmity on her part which had assuredly not escaped a man so astute
as he. If he were guilty, would he not have feared that my aunt
would have confided her thoughts to me on her death-bed? The
attitude that he should assume towards me, at and after our first
interview, would be a proof, complete in proportion to its
suddenness, and he must have no time for preparation.
I returned to Paris, therefore, without having informed even my
valet of my intention, and proceeded almost immediately to my
mother's hotel.