_House of Commons, Monday, March 21._--Uneasy feeling spread through
House to-night consequent on question addressed by MACINNES to
UNDER-SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS. Wants to know "whether his
attention has been called to the increase of drinking among Natives
in the Coast Towns?" CAUSTON particularly depressed.
[Illustration: "Sir, I am not--"]
[Illustration: "--an Agricultural Labourer."]
"I sat for Colchester for five years, you know," he said, "and grew
into habit of regarding the Natives as my constituents. For five years
never swallowed one without thinking I was reducing the number on
the Register. Used to excuse myself on the ground that the particular
bivalve that had disappeared must have been a Conservative, or it
would never have been so stupid as to leave its comfortable bed to
embark on such a journey. My interest in the oyster is now secondary.
They don't flourish in Southwark; whelks more in our way down there.
Still one cannot forget old associations, and confess I'm rather
knocked over to hear this report MACINNES has brought up. Can't
imagine anything more distressing than the spectacle of a drunken
oyster--probably with dishevelled beard--coming home late at night and
trying to get into another Native's shell under impression that he has
recognised his own front door. Must see WILFRID LAWSON about this; get
up an Oyster Temperance Society; framed certificates, blue ribbon, and
all that, if the thing spreads, we shall have oysters emitting quite a
rum-punch flavour when we add the lemon."
Gloom dissipated two hours later by appearance of BOBBY SPENCER at the
Table. BOBBY doesn't often witch the House with oratory. Content with
important though to outsiders obscure position he occupies in Party
administration. His is the hand that pulls the strings to which
Liberal Party dance. SCHNADHORST gets some credit, but everybody knows
BOBBY's the man. To see these two political strategists in conference
is sufficient to reassure the Liberal Party on the possible issues of
the General Election.
SCHNADHORST complains that BOBBY has a trick, after addressing him
through the ear-trumpet he (S.) carries in reminiscence of JOSHUA
REYNOLDS, of putting his ear to the trumpet as if he expected the
answer to arrive through that medium.
[Illustration: MR. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN ON "THE HUMOURS OF PARLIAMENT."]
"Very embarrassing." SCHNADHORST says, "to have a fellow first putting
his mouth and then his ear to other end of your trumpet. Sometimes
I say to him, sharply, '_I_ don't speak through the trumpet.' 'Oh,
no, of course not,' he says, 'I beg your pardon,' and draws away.
Presently he's back again, politely, as I speak, applying his ear
to the trumpet. But it's only the absence of mind that arises from
preoccupation in matters of State."
BOBBY, besides being the political director of the strategy of the
Liberal Party, is a County Member. It was in this last capacity
he appeared at Table to-night in Debate on Second Reading of Small
Holdings Bill. House received him with hearty cheer. No one more
popular than BOBBY. Delight uproariously manifested when, daintily
pulling at his abundant shirt-cuff, and settling his fair young
head more comfortably upon summit of his monumental collar, he
deprecatingly observed--
"Mr. SPEAKER, Sir, I am not an Agricultural Labourer."
The speech a model of Parliamentary debating, full of point, resting
on sound argument, lucidly stated, and all over in five minutes.
_Business done._--Debate on Small Holdings Bill.
_Tuesday_.--Morning Sitting. SEXTON at length worked off the speech
on Irish Education Bill, that has hung over House like cloud since
Bill was introduced in earliest days of Session. Wasn't in his place
the first night; so friends and colleagues wore out the sitting to
preserve his opportunity. When this next presented itself, SEXTON
thought the hour and condition of House unsuitable for person of his
consequence; declined to speak. To-day, his last chance, things worse
than ever. Benches empty, as usual at Morning Sitting. But now or
never, and at least there would be long report in Irish papers. So
went at it by the hour. Finished at a quarter to five. At Morning
Sitting, debate automatically suspended at ten minutes to seven;
two hours and five minutes for everyone else to speak. SINCLAIR long
waiting chance to thrust in his nose. Found it at last; but House
wearied and worn out; glad when seven o'clock approached, and Bill
read First Time.
[Illustration: THE LEADER OF THE HOUSE--(VIDE THE OPPOSITION PRESS.)]
At Evening Sitting, Lawyers had it all to themselves. ROBERTSON opened
Debate on Law of Conspiracy in admirable speech. Later came LOCKWOOD,
speaking disrespectfully of "B." Then SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, girding at
SOLICITOR-GENERAL; MATTHEWS followed, with plump assertion that Squire
had not been talking about the Resolution. Finally CHARLES RUSSELL,
with demonstration that "the Right Hon. Gentleman (meaning MATTHEWS)
had displayed a complete misconception of the character and objects of
the Resolution." Being thus demonstrated upon unimpeachable authority
that nobody knew anything about the Resolution, House proceeded
to vote upon it. For, 180; against, 226. Ministerialists cheered;
Opposition apparently equally delighted. So home I to bed, everyone
determined first thing in morning get hold of newspaper, and see what
the Resolution really was about. _Business done_.--Miscellaneous.
_Wednesday_.--"I wonder," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE, curiously
regarding CHAMBERLAIN discoursing on the Eight Hours Bill, "whom JOE
meant by his reference at Birmingham on Saturday night to 'the funny
man of the House of Commons,'--'A man who has a natural taste for
buffoonery, which he has cultivated with great art, who has a hatred
of every Government and all kinds of restraint, and especially, of
course, of the Government that happens to be in office.' Couldn't be
HENEAGE, and I don't suppose he had JESSE in his mind at the moment.
Pity a man can't make his points clearly. JOE used to be lucid enough.
But he's falling off now in that as in other matters. Made me rub my
eyes when I read his remarks about House of Lords, and remembered what
he used to say on subject when he and I ran together. Certainly JOE
is a man of courage. There are topics he might, with memory of past
speeches, easily avoid or circumnavigate. But he goes straight at
'em, whether fence or ditch, takes them at a stride regardless of
his former self, splashed with mud in the jump, or smitten with the
horse's hoof. Makes me quite sentimental when I sit and listen to him,
and recall days that are no more. _Mrs. Gummidge_ thinking of the
Old 'Un is nothing to me thinking of the Young 'Un who came up from
Birmingham in 1876, and who from '80 to '85 walked hand in hand with
me.
We were patriots together.--Ah! placeman and peer
Are the patrons who smile on your labours to-day;
And Lords of the Treasury lustily cheer
Whatever you do and whatever you say.
Go, pocket, my JOSEPH, as much as you will,
The times are quite altered we very well know;
But will you not, will you not, talk to us still,
As you talked to us once long ago, long ago?
We were patriots together!--I know you will think
Of the cobbler's caresses, the coalheaver's cries,
Of the stones that we throw, and the toasts that we drink
Of our pamphlets and pledges, our libels and lies!
When the truth shall awake, and the country and town
Be heartily weary of BALFOUR & CO.,
My JOSEPH, hark back to the Radical frown,
Let us be what we were, long ago, long ago!"
"Bless me," I cried, "how beautiful! I didn't know that, among your
many accomplishments, you were given to dropping into poetry."
"Tut, tut!" said the SAGE, blushing, "it isn't all my own; written
years ago by MACKWORTH PRAED, about JOHN CAM HOBHOUSE. I've only
brought it up to date."
_Business done_.--Eight Hours' Bill thrown out on a Division.
_Thursday_.--Private O'GRADY, of the Welsh Fusiliers, the hero of the
hour. His annals short and simple. Got up early in the morning of St.
Patrick's Day; provided himself with handful of shamrock, which he
stuck in his glengarry. (_Note_.--O'GRADY, an Irishman, belongs to a
Welsh Regiment, and, to complete the pickle, wears a Scotch cap.) The
ignorant Saxon officer in command observing the patriot muster with
what he, all unconscious of St. Patrick's Day, thought was "a handful
of greens" in his cap, instructed the non-commissioned officer to
order him to take it out.
"I won't do't," said gallant Private O'GRADY, the hot Celtic blood
swiftly brought to boiling pitch by this insult to St. Patrick. Irish
Members vociferously cheered when STANHOPE read the passage from
Colonel's report. Another non-commissioned officer advancing from the
rear, repeated order.
"I won't do't!" roared the implacable Private O'GRADY.
Once more the Irish Members burst into cheering, whilst a soldier
in uniform in Strangers' Gallery looked on and listened. Would like
to hear his account of scene confided to comrades in privacy of
barrack-room.
When STANHOPE finished reading report of officer commanding battalion,
Irish Members leaped to their feet in body, each anxious to stand
shoulder to shoulder with Private O'GRADY defying the Saxon. NOLAN,
who had set ball rolling, might have got in first, but was so
excited as to be momentarily speechless; could only paw at the air in
direction of Treasury Bench where STANHOPE sat, PAT O'BRIEN, ARTHUR
O'CONNOR, the wily WEBB, and the flaccid FLYNN, all shouting together.
But SEXTON beat them all, and will duly figure in Parliamentary Report
as Vindicator of Nationality, Defender of St. Patrick, and Patron of
Private O'GRADY.
"There's nothing new about Ireland," said POLTALLOCH, talking the
matter over later in the Lobby. "'Tis the most distressful country
that ever yet was seen, Where they punish T. O'GRADY For the wearing
of the Green."
_Business done_.--Small Holdings Bill read Second Time.
_Friday Night_.--House behaved nobly to-night; FENWICK brought forward
Motion proposing payment of Members. House arbiter of situation; might
have voted itself anything a year it pleased. Only say the word, and
JOKIM would have been bound to find the money. Members flocked down in
large numbers: CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN, seated on Front Opposition Bench,
declares he could distinctly hear smacking of lips of Hon. Members
below Gangway when FENWICK observed he thought £365 a year would be
reasonable allowance. However insidious temptation may have been, it
was nobly resisted. Of nearly 400 Members who took part in Division,
only 162 reached out their hand for the pittance, 227 lofty souls
going into other Lobby.
_Business done_.--Private Bill Procedure Bill brought in.
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[Illustration: "'SAFETY MATCHES' FOR LIFE.--The following notice has
been issued by the Salvation Army: 'Safety matches are now made by the
Social Wing without sulphur or phosphorus, which will flame without
striking. What do we mean? Just this. That if you are unmarried, and
do not know where to chose a partner, you can communicate with Colonel
BARKER, Matrimonial Bureau, 101, Queen Victoria Street, E.C., and
he will most probably supply you with just what you want--somebody
loveable and good.'"]
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