["It is a noteworthy fact that while debates have been
languishing at Westminster, at Tooting there have been Members
enough to 'make a House' any day during the past fortnight,
so keen an interest is the 'Royal and Ancient' game
exciting."--_Daily Telegraph._]
What's the use of hooting.
Or cir-cum-lo-cuting?
M.P.'s off
To play at Golf.
All the way to Tooting!
Petty points PAT's mooting!
Chances not computing,
M.P. slips,
(Despite the Whips)
Off to Golf at Tooting!
Landlords _may_ be looting,
Tenants _may_ be shooting;
Where's the fun
In _that_? Let's run
Off to Golf at Tooting!
So M.P.'s are "scooting,"
On-the-gay-galoot-ing;
Cut the House
(It shows their _nous_)
For the Links at Tooting!
There is joy in shooting,
Wine-ing or cherooting,
Dinners, Moors,
Weeds--_all_ are bores,
Compared with Golf at Tooting!
* * * * *
[Illustration: CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS.
_Tommy._ "I HAD _SUCH_ A BAD DREAM LAST NIGHT, GRANDPAPA!"
_The Admiral._ "TELL IT ME, TOMMY."
_Tommy._ "OH NO! IT WOULD ONLY FRIGHTEN YOU AS IT FRIGHTENED ME!"]
* * * * *
"BEYOND THE DREAMS OF AVARICE."
["FIFTY POUNDS Reward will be gratefully paid to any Lady
or Gentleman who will ASSIST in RECOVERING a valuable
HEIRLOOM.... Anyone with wealthy or influential friends can at
once secure above reward. Address, &c."]
[Illustration]
I am an impecunious young man, and, the other day, on seeing this
Advertisement in the _Times_, I was seized with a wild desire to "at
once secure above reward." Said I to myself, "I have 'wealthy and
influential friends.' There is my cousin's uncle, who has, I believe,
thirty thousand a-year, though I never saw any part of it, or of him,
for the matter of that; and there is my own aunt by marriage, whose
second husband is a K.C.B., but I forget his name, and do not know
where he lives." So I sat and thought about it for a time with my
eyes shut, and then I started. The train was so full, that I imagined
it must be market-day in some neighbouring town, but the station was
so much fuller, that I could hardly get out of the train. At last,
edgeways, I reached a pale and melancholy ticket-collector, and asked
him where I should find the address mentioned. He turned a pitying
eye upon me, and, pointing to the crowd that filled the station, said,
wearily, "They're all a-goin' there. I know, cos they've all arst me.
You'd better foller 'em."
This statement filled me with desperation; I fought and struggled
through the vast crowd of persons "with wealthy and influential
friends" until I reached the open street. By that time I was
exhausted, and, finding that the street was even fuller than the
station had been, I gave up the attempt. I saw that the reserve
of gold at the Bank of England would not have sufficed to pay each
applicant the promised £50. In any case I felt sure that by that time
the whole of the money in the town must have been used up. So, without
hat or umbrella, and with my coat as much divided up the back as
up the front, I returned--to consciousness, and went on reading the
newspaper.
* * * * *
"THE FORESTERS."
All the greatest swells
Of the U.S.A.
Come to see a new,
Fascinating play.
Verses by a Lord!
Music by a Knight!
Just the thing in which
Democrats delight.
When the hearty praise
Bursts from Yankee lips,
"Pass and blush the news
Over glowing ships;"
What are "glowing ships"?
That I've never guessed,
"Pass the happy news,
Blush it thro' the West;"
This I simply quote
From the poet's muse;
Hang me if I know
How you "blush the news"!
Anyhow, you do,
If the lines will scan,
"Till the red man dance,"
Do you think he can?
"And the red man's babe
Leap beyond the sea."
Active sort of child,
Surely, that must be!
"Blush from West to East,"
Blush from left to right,
"Till the West is East,"
And the black is white,
DALY is the man!
Daily is the play,
"Dailies" puff it up,
In the kindest way.
* * * * *
MORE APPROPRIATE.--The Senate House, where the Degree Examinations
take place, might well be termed "The Spinning House." It is there
that unfortunate Candidates are "spun."
* * * * *
[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.
_Little Jones_. "YOU'LL GIVE ME A DANCE TO-MORROW NIGHT, WON'T YOU,
MRS. FOOTE?"
_Mrs. Foote_ (_who is anxious to show her matronly consideration for
Unmarried Girls_). "WELL, I CAN'T PROMISE, AND IF THE MEN RUN _SHORT_,
YOU KNOW, I SHAN'T DANCE AT ALL!"]
* * * * *