SCENE--_Interior of Small Box containing telephone with book
of addresses. Enter hurriedly_ Impatient Subscriber.
_Impatient Subscriber_ (_turning over leaves of address-book_).
Of course I can't find it! Ah! here it is! 142086. (_Rings bell
of telephone, and listens with receivers to his ear._) Now I have
forgotten it! (_Puts back receivers on rests, and refers again to
book. Telephone bell rings in answer. He hurries back and calls._)
One hundred and forty-two nought eighty-six.
_First Voice_ (_from telephone_). One hundred and forty-two?
_Imp. Sub._ Yes, and nought eighty-six.
_First Voice_. Which do you want?
_Imp. Sub._ Why, both.
_First Voice_. You can't. Must have one at a time.
_Imp. Sub._ It's only one. One four two nought eight six.
_First Voice_. One four two nought eight six?
_Imp. Sub._ Yes, please. One four two nought eight six.
_First Voice_. Very well. Why didn't you give the number before?
_Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). Well, I have given it now. (_He listens
intently, exclaiming now and again_, "_Are you there_?" _and then
rings_.) One four two nought eight six, please.
_First Voice_ (_after a pause_). What!
_Imp. Sub._ One four two nought eight six, please.
[Illustration]
_First Voice_ (_as if the number is now heard for the first time_).
One four two nought eight six?
_Imp. Sub._ Yes, please. And look sharp!
_First Voice_. What?
_Imp. Sub._ One four two nought eight six.
_First Voice_. I hear. One four two nought eight six. [_The
communication is cut off for a couple of minutes._
_Imp. Sub._ (_for the sixth time_). Are you there?
_Second Voice_. Yes. Who is it?
_Imp. Sub._ I am BOSH, BOODLE & CO.
_Second Voice_. RUSH, RUDDLE & CO.?
_Imp. Sub._ No. BOSH, BOODLE & CO.
_First Voice_. Have you finished?
_Imp. Sub._ No, no--we are still speaking. I want to know if you have
sent that case of champagne to BUMBLETON?
_Second Voice_. What? I can't hear you.
_Imp. Sub._ (_speaking very slowly, as if dictating to imperfectly
educated infants_). Have--you--sent--that--case--of--cham--pagne--to
BUM--BLE--TON?
_Second Voice_ (_puzzled_). Sent a case of champagne?
_First Voice_ (_interposing_.) Have you finished?
_Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking. Yes--have you sent a case of
champagne to BUMBLETON?
_Second Voice_. Sent a case of champagne to BUMBLETON? No; why should
we?
_Imp. Sub._ Because you promised TICKLEBY you would.
_Second Voice_ (_evidently perplexed_). Promised TICKLEBY?
_Imp. Sub._ (_in a tone of reproach_). Yes, promised TICKLEBY.
_First Voice_ (_interposing_.) Have you finished?
_Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking; please don't cut us off.
(_Returning to the champagne subject_). Yes, you promised TICKLEBY you
would send the case of champagne to BUMBLETON. (_With inspiration._)
You are the Arctic Wine Company, aren't you?
_Second Voice_. No. I am Secretary of the Curate's Papier Mâché Church
Company.
_Imp. Sub._ (_in a tone of sorrow_). Aren't you one four two nought
eight six?
_Third Voice_ (_coming from somewhere_). Mind and bring a gun with
you, and--.
_Second Voice_. No. We are two four eight nought six seven. Good
morning!
_First Voice_. Have you finished?
_Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). I have not begun! You have put me on the
wrong number!
_First Voice_ (_calmly_). What number do you want?
_Imp. Sub._ (_angrily_). One four two nought eight six.
_First Voice_. Two four two nought eight six?
_Imp. Sub._ (_with suppressed rage_). No, _one_ four two nought eight
six.
_First Voice_. Very well. One four two nought eight six.
_Imp. Sub._ Yes, and don't make a mistake.
[_Long pause, during which he asks_, "_Are you there?_" _at
intervals._
_Fourth Voice_. What is it?
_Imp. Sub._ Are you Arctic Wine Company?
_Fourth Voice_. Yes, all right! What is it?
_Imp. Sub._ (_joyfully_). Have you sent a case of champagne to
BUMBLETON?
_Fourth Voice_. What? I can't hear you.
_First Voice_. (_interposing_). Have you finished?
_Imp. Sub._ No, we are still speaking. Have you sent a case of
champagne to BUMBLETON?
_Fourth Voice_. We can't hear you. Send a messenger.
_First Voice_. Have you finished?
_Imp. Sub._ (_shouting_). Yes! (_Is cut off._) Shorter to have done so
at once!
[_Uses intemperate language, and hurries off to get a
Messenger. Curtain._
* * * * *