_House of Commons, Monday, March 23_.--Easter Holidays begin
to-morrow; to-night last rally round RAIKES; Postmaster harried from
both sides of House; the Contumacious COBB begins it; comments on
Coroner's conduct beginning to pall on accustomed appetite; references
to delicate investigation in judicial circles falling flat; so turns
upon POSTMASTER-GENERAL. Wants to know about the Boy Messengers?
Pack in full cry; RAIKES pelted with newspapers, assailed with
over-weighted letters; late at night CAMERON comes up quite
fresh, desiring to "call attention to the position taken up by the
POSTMASTER-GENERAL with regard to the Electric Call and Boy Messenger
System," just as if he had at the moment made the discovery.
[Illustration: "Wonderful!"]
In course of lecture CAMERON produces sort of pocket-pistol; explains
it's the thing you work the electric call with. You press a button
here, and up comes a tumbler of milk and soda; another button, and you
have a sausage and a hot potato; a third, and your boots are suddenly
pulled off by an unseen agency; a fourth, and you find yourself seated
in a hansom cab, with eighteenpence pressed into your hand to pay
your fare withal; a fifth, and you're awakened at four o'clock in the
morning with an apology. Something, you learn, went wrong with the
machine, and it was the gentleman on the next floor who ought to have
been called at this hour.
GANE, Q.C., with hands folded on knees, sat entranced, listening to
this interesting narrative, and watching the illustrations rapidly
produced by CAMERON, as he touched the various buttons.
"Wonderful!" cried GANE, Q.C. "Never knew anything like it since I
read _Arabian Nights_."
"What's RAIKES' loss is our GANE," says WILFRID LAWSON.
Must think this over during the Recess.
For awhile RAIKES had peace; quite forgotten whilst House, falling
into GANE's attitude, listened to CAMERON's fairy tale.
[Illustration: The Pillary Post.]
"It's only postponed, TOBY," he said, wearily, CAMERON (having
accidentally touched the wrong button) being promptly carried off to
bed in the middle of a sentence; "they'll be at me again to-morrow,
and will begin once more, like giants refreshed, when they come back
from the holidays. It's an old story; the House of Commons must always
have its whipping-boy. Don't know whether you've sat long enough for
Barks to remember AYRTON? A dead set was made against him, and he
was not only driven out of office, but forth from public life. It's
generally the HOME SECRETARY who is fastened on. There was WALPOLE,
chronically reduced to tears. BRUCE was chivied by the cabmen, and
had his hat blocked by the publicans. The blameless HARCOURT didn't
go scot free whilst he was at the Home Office. MATTHEWS has had a long
run, with the hounds after him. Now they've turned aside from him,
and are yelping after me. It's very well for MATTHEWS, but a little
worrying for me. Of course I don't claim to be perfect. As HARCOURT
once admitted of himself, I'm almost human, I try to do my duty, and
protect the interests of Department committed to my charge. They come
in touch with all classes, and naturally there is friction. Just now
the howling is persistent, and, I fancy, organised. Perhaps it'll fall
away by-and-by. In the meanwhile, it's rather wearing, so pitilessly
monotonous. As you said the other day, a new constitutional maxim
has been established. Once OLD MORALITY used to write in his
copybook, 'The QUEEN can Do no Wrong.' Now he may add this
other, 'The POSTMASTER-GENERAL Does Nothing Right.'" _Business
done._--Miscellaneous.
_Tuesday Afternoon_.--Winding up business before holiday; rather a
scramble at the end. OLD MORALITY, as usual, piled up heap of work
to be got through. "Quite easy, you know," he said. "Tithes Bill,
Electoral Disabilities Removal Bill, Savings Bank Bill, take them
in your stride. What does the poet say? Line upon Line; Little by
Little; Here to-day and gone To-morrow. Those are the sound economical
principles that should guide a man through life."
At one time seemed that whilst we were certainly here to-day, we
wouldn't be gone till to-morrow. Tithe Bill in last stage took a lot
of fighting over. House wouldn't have Electoral Disabilities Removal
Bill or the Savings Bank Bill at any price.
"Then I'll move the adjournment," paid OLD MORALITY, in despair.
[Illustration: "Stole Away!"]
"Not till you've heard my speech," said Dr. CLARK; pulled out
manuscript from breast coat-pocket, began descanting on the under-pay
of Civil Servants in Scotland, whilst TYSSEN AMHERST folded his tent
like the Arab, and as silently stole away. Example followed generally
by Members in all parts of the House. CLARK thoroughly enjoying
himself, composedly went on to end of speech, and then adjournment.
SPEAKER "kept in" till Thursday to take part in ceremony of Royal
Commission. Rest off, and won't be back till Monday, 6th of April.
_Business done_.--Wound up for Easter Holidays.
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