MISS LULU BETT
----------------
Z O N A G A L E
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MISS LULU BETT
A Play
_By Zona Gale_
was awarded by Columbia University in June, 1921,
the prize of $1,000 established by Joseph Pulitzer
for “The American original play, performed in New
York, which shall best represent the educational
value and power of the stage in raising the standard
of good morals, good taste and good manners.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------
MISS LULU BETT
AN AMERICAN COMEDY
OF MANNERS
BY
ZONA GALE
D. A. & Co
·INTER·FOLIA·FRUCTUS·
D. APPLETON AND COMPANY
NEW YORK : LONDON : MCMXXI
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY
D. APPLETON AND COMPANY
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
------------------------------------------------------------------------
TO
BROCK PEMBERTON
IN DEEP APPRECIATION
OF HIS CREATIVE WORK
IN PRODUCING AND STAGING
THIS PLAY
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE AUTHOR WISHES TO
MAKE ACKNOWLEDGMENT TO
MR. LYTTON W. KERNAN
FOR ASSISTANCE TO HER
IN MATTERS OF TECHNIQUE
------------------------------------------------------------------------
AN OPEN LETTER
_from_
THOMAS H. DICKINSON
_August 5, 1921_
DEAR MISS GALE:
Any foreword that I can write to your play, _Miss Lulu Bett_, must be
addressed to you, and others must read it, if at all, over your
shoulder. As an artist you are, of course, not interested in
definitions, being absorbed rather in always nearer and nearer
approximations; but I shall not, on that account, forbear to remark how
much your novel, and the play that followed it, have widened the
practice of the arts that they represent.
As a matter of fact, if one would understand your novel, one must think
of it in terms of dramatic art. It is a commonplace to say that this
novel marks a turning point in your art. But perhaps it is not a
commonplace to say that if we look back over the road you have traveled
we shall find a theater at the crossroads.
Are we then to consider the play in the light of the technique of
fiction? By no means! Rather one is filled with wonder that you, an
artist heretofore of the more discursive type, should have out-theatred
the theater when you come to practice on its narrow stage. If the
theater is an art of condensation here is condensation distilled; if of
form, here is form refined and simplified; if of discourse, here is
discourse summarized to shorthand. We are told that a true play is like
a score for an orchestra; that it is a series of expert notes directed
to the conductor and his players. Of no play of recent years is this so
truly the case as of _Miss Lulu Bett_. Not here are the spacious
character analyses, the circumstantial prescriptions of movements from
right to left. And yet in what recent play are characters so
silhouette-clear, or are actions so genuinely of the fabric of the
fable? Let him who thinks your play a “comedy of words” skip a page or
even a speech and see where he finds himself.
As for your two endings,--that is for you to say. Frankly the matter
doesn’t interest me greatly, for it goes back to the consideration of
the drama as a social art, while I, forgetting its dependent state,
would prefer to think of it as the product of the free spirit of the
writer. I know that I may not so think of a play any more than that you
may so write one. But I will not admit that the matter has anything to
do with happy versus drab endings, or with the variations in inclination
of the curve of Lulu Bett’s career. Nor has it anything to do with the
relative excellence of this or that. It is concerned entirely with the
fact that while as practiced to-day the art of fiction permits to the
artist more or less independence in the use of his imagination, in
writing a play he can rarely forget that he is working with a
collaborator who at the best perplexes him and at the worst strikes
terror to his heart.
Granting, as I do, that you may have two endings I see no reason why you
should not have half a dozen if you wish and if circumstances require
them. All I ask is that one of these be the ending of your choice. If
one of these endings be the artist’s own I care not what ending he
writes in collaboration. The best thing you have done in offering to the
reader your two endings is to show him the documents in the case. To
this extent you have taken another step toward that declaration of the
independence of dramatic authorship that is sorely needed.
For the craftmanship of your play, for the combined burden and
opportunity you give to your producer and to the actors (admirably
carried in every respect), for the courage of its refusals, not less
than of its manifest innovations, I, with thousands of others,
well-wishers for the American theater, am profoundly grateful to you.
THOMAS H. DICKINSON
MILTON, CONN.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOREWORD
For centuries people in plays have been abnormally distinguished. Theirs
has been a peculiar facility for cleverness, virility, or personal
charm, which has raised them above the individuals in the audience and
made of the theater a place where one goes to experience vicariously the
warm glow of uttering an epigram through the mouth of “Lord Goring,” the
deep satisfaction of romantic relations with a beautiful lady (“Prince
Rudolpho” acting as our agent), or the inexpressible relief of having a
mortgage lifted through the efforts of young “Tom Cartwright.”
If Art is to be held down to one of the many indefinite definitions
given to it throughout the ages--that of reflecting life--then the
theater has contained but little of Art, for it has been peopled by
unnaturally brilliant characters living preposterous lives in a manner
so totally removed from life as it is known by the honored members of
the public that they have been willing to pay money to witness it as a
curiosity.
Especially in its dialogue has the stage clung to an artificiality which
even the best of playwrights seem unable to shake off once the blood
mounts to their temples and they feel the resiliency of the second act
beneath their feet. Statistics could be brought out to prove that, in an
average gathering, the proportion of clever conversationalists to dull
though voluble talkers is one to three hundred and twenty-four thousand.
And yet almost every play contains at least three in a cast of ten whose
repartee is unquestionably intended to be classed as “entertaining.”
Even the “old-home” talk of our rural dramas, the line, “Land sakes,
ain’t them pies done yet?” with which the first act opens, has become,
in spite of its affectation of naturalness, so theatrical that whenever
we hear a genuine housewife say it in a real kitchen we suspect her of
trying to talk like an actress.
Into this babel of artificial dialogue came _Miss Lulu Bett_ bearing the
revolutionary banner of banality. And under this banner march
ninety-nine one-hundredths of American conversationalists. First in her
book, and then in her play, Zona Gale discarded the ideal held by
writers since Plutarch that their characters must say something unusual,
and gave us “Dwight Herbert Deacon” to say the gorgeously conventional
thing with epoch-making dullness.
“The baked potato contains more nourishment than potatoes prepared any
other way. Roasting retains it,” he asserts in the first act.
To which his wife replies: “That’s what I always think.”
And the white light of truth which bursts forth from this conversational
sally discovers Oscar Wilde to be a shining collection of tinsel.
Zona Gale is the first author, to my knowledge, who has dared to write
genuinely dull dialogue. Many writers have achieved dull dialogue under
a misapprehension on their parts, and still others have started out with
the honest intention of making their characters dull in the interests of
veracity. But these latter have sooner or later succumbed to the
temptation either of enlarging upon the dullness until it became
burlesque or of capitulating entirely and throwing in a clever line
simply to keep up the tone of the play.
But Miss Gale saw the truth and has kept it whole. She was depicting
uninspired American family life (almost for the first time in our
literature) and she held fast to the ideals of American family
conversation. In the opening scene of the first act of _Miss Lulu Bett_
there is not a single redeeming feature in the remarks made by the
Deacon family across the creamed salmon. It is nothing short of
magnificent.
“Dwight Herbert” is, of course, the high priest of this elaborate
banality, and in his creation Miss Gale has given to America a man made
in its own image, something rarely done on our native stage. And, as if
this were not enough, she has also brought, whining and scuffling before
the footlights, our first normal stage-child, in the unpleasing person
of the recalcitrant “Monona.” For years we have seen no small children
on the stage who did not spend their time coming downstairs in their
nighties to reunite uncongenial parents or bringing tears to the hard
eyes of adventuresses by telling them that they looked “des like
muvver.” It was with the full force of an original dramatic creation
therefore that “Monona Deacon,” the world’s most disagreeable
stage-child, came swimming petulantly into our ken. She and her
disillusioned “Grandma Bett” (a character somewhat more generic as acted
but no less vivid), with their joint and articulate hatred of the rest
of the family, constitute a refreshing rearrangement of the hitherto
idyllic characters of Childhood and Old Age.
In the interests of truth, then, Miss Gale has violated many sacred
dramatic rules. She has given us characters who talk as people really
talk and who therefore are dull. She has given us an old lady who is not
sweet, and a child who is not cute. And, on the technical side, she has
begun two successive scenes with practically the same dialogue, so that
for several minutes one is scarcely distinct from the other. And in this
last deviation from established custom she has at one stroke succeeded
in creating an atmosphere of monotony and domestic routine in home life
which stands unique among theatrical effects.
The result of such adherence to uninspiring reality might well have been
expected to be a failure in its appeal to an uninspiring nation of
theater-goers. But Miss Gale took the chance. She wrote the play, as she
had written the book, without compromise, and was rewarded by an
enthusiastic public.
ROBERT C. BENCHLEY
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE CAST
_As produced and staged by Mr. Brock Pemberton beginning December 27,
1920, at the Belmont Theatre, New York._
MONONA DEACON _Lois Shore_
DWIGHT HERBERT DEACON _William Holden_
INA DEACON _Catherine Calhoun Doucet_
LULU BETT _Carroll McComas_
BOBBY LARKIN _Jack Bohn_
MRS. BETT _Louise Closser Hale_
DIANA DEACON _Beth Varden_
NEIL CORNISH _Willard Robertson_
NINIAN DEACON _Brigham Royce_
TIME: _The Present_ PLACE: _The Middle Class_
ACT I.-- _Scene 1._--The Deacon’s dining-room.
_Scene 2._--The same; ten days later.
ACT II.-- _Scene 1._--The Deacon’s front porch; a
month later.
_Scene 2._The same; the following evening.
_Scene 3._The same; a fortnight later.
ACT III.-- (_2d version_)--The Deacon’s front porch.
A morning later.
(_1st version_)--Cornish’s music store; the
following morning.
Between the scenes in Acts I and II the curtain will be lowered a half a
minute to indicate the lapse of time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
MISS LULU BETT
ACT I
SCENE I
THE DEACON DINING ROOM: _Plain rose paper, oak sideboard, straight
chairs, a soft old brown divan, table laid for supper. Large
pictures of, say, “Paul and Virginia” and Abbott Thayer’s
“Motherhood.” A door left leads to kitchen; a door right front leads
to the passage and the “other” room. Back are two windows with lace
curtains, revealing shrubbery or blossoming plants; and a shelf with
a clock and a photograph of Ninian Deacon. Over the table is a gas
burner in a glass globe. In the center of the table is a pink tulip
in a pot. The stage is empty._
[_Enter MONONA. She tiptoes to the table, tastes a dish or two,
hides a cooky in her frock; begins a terrible little chant on
miscellaneous notes._]
[_Enter DWIGHT DEACON._]
DWIGHT
What! You don’t mean you’re in time for supper, baby?
MONONA
I ain’t a baby.
DWIGHT
Ain’t. Ain’t. Ain’t.
MONONA
Well, I ain’t.
DWIGHT
We shall have to take you in hand, mama and I. We shall-have-to-take-you
in hand.
MONONA
I ain’t such a bad girl.
DWIGHT
Ain’t. Ain’t. Ain’t.
[_Enter INA, Door R. E._]
INA
Dwightie! Have I kept you waiting?
DWIGHT
It’s all right, my pet. Bear and forbear. Bear and forbear.
INA
Everything’s on the table. I didn’t hear Lulu call us, though. She’s
fearfully careless. And Dwight, she looks so bad--when there’s
company I hate to have her around.
[_They seat themselves._]
DWIGHT
My dear Ina, your sister is very different from you.
INA
Well, Lulu certainly is a trial. Come Monona.
DWIGHT
Live and let live, my dear. We have to overlook, you know. What have we
on the festive board to-night?
INA
We have creamed salmon. On toast.
MONONA
I don’t want any.
DWIGHT
_What’s_ this? _No_ salmon?
MONONA
No.
INA
Oh now, pet! You liked it before.
MONONA
I don’t want any.
DWIGHT
Just a little? A very little? What is this? Progeny will not eat?
INA
She can eat if she will eat. The trouble is, she will _not_ take the
time.
DWIGHT
She don’t put her mind on her meals.
INA
Now, pettie, you must eat or you’ll get sick.
MONONA
I don’t want any.
INA
Well, pettie--then how would you like a nice egg?
MONONA
No.
INA
Some bread and milk?
MONONA
No.
[_Enter LULU BETT. She carries a plate of muffins._]
INA
Lulu, Monona won’t eat a thing. I should think you might think of
something to fix for her.
LULU
Can’t I make her a little milk toast?
MONONA
Yes!
INA
Well now, sister. Don’t toast it too much. That last was too--and it’s
no use, she will _not_ eat it if it’s burned.
LULU
I won’t burn it on purpose.
INA
Well, see that you don’t ... Lulu! Which milk are you going to take?
LULU
The bottle that sets in front, won’t I?
INA
But that’s yesterday’s milk. No, take the fresh bottle from over back.
Monona must be nourished.
LULU
But then the yesterday’s’ll sour and I can’t make a custard pie----
DWIGHT
Kindly settle these domestic matters without bringing them to my
attention at meal time.
[_Observes the tulip._]
Flowers! Who’s been having flowers sent in?
INA
Ask Lulu.
DWIGHT
Suitors?
LULU
It was a quarter. There’ll be five flowers.
DWIGHT
You bought it?
LULU
Yes. Five flowers. That’s a nickel apiece.
DWIGHT
Yet we give you a home on the supposition that you have no money to
spend, even for the necessities.
INA
Well, but Dwightie. Lulu isn’t strong enough to work. What’s the use----
DWIGHT
The justice business and the dental profession do not warrant the
purchase of spring flowers in my home.
INA
Well, but Dwightie----
DWIGHT
No more. Lulu meant no harm.
INA
The back bottle, Lulu. And be as quick as you can. Remember, the back
bottle. She has a terrible will, hangs on to her own ideas, and
hangs on----
[_Exit LULU._]
DWIGHT
Forbearance my pet, forbearance. Baked potatoes. That’s good--that’s
good. The baked potato contains more nourishment than potatoes
prepared in any other way. Roasting retains it.
INA
That’s what I always think.
DWIGHT
Where’s your mother? Isn’t she coming to supper?
INA
No. Tantrim.
DWIGHT
Oh ho, mama has a tantrim, eh? My dear Ina, your mother is getting old.
She don’t have as many clear-headed days as she did.
INA
Mama’s mind is just as good as it ever was, sometimes.
DWIGHT
Hadn’t I better call her up?
INA
You know how mama is.
[_Enter LULU. She takes flowerpot from table and throws it out the
window. Exit LULU._]
DWIGHT
I’d better see.
[_Goes to door and opens it._]
Mother Bett!... Come and have some supper.... Looks to me Lulu’s
muffins’d go down pretty easy! Come on--I had something funny to
tell you and Ina....
[_Returns._]
No use. She’s got a tall one on to-night, evidently. What’s the matter
with her?
INA
Well, I told Lulu to put the creamed salmon on the new blue platter, and
mama thought I ought to use the old deep dish.
DWIGHT
You reminded her that you are mistress here in your own home? But
gently, I hope?
INA
Well--I reminded her. She said if I kept on using the best dishes I
wouldn’t have a cup left for my own wake.
DWIGHT
And my little puss insisted?
INA
Why of course. I wanted to have the table look nice for you, didn’t I?
DWIGHT
My precious pussy.
INA
So then she walked off to her room.
[_MONONA sings her terrible little chant._]
Quiet, pettie, quiet!
DWIGHT
Softly, softly, _softly_, SOFTLY!... Well, here we are, aren’t we? I
tell you people don’t know what living is if they don’t belong in a
little family circle.
INA
That’s what I always think.
DWIGHT
Just coming home here and sort of settling down--it’s worth more than a
tonic at a dollar the bottle. Look at this room. See this table.
Could anything be pleasanter?
INA
Monona! Now, it’s all over both ruffles. And mama does try so hard....
DWIGHT
My dear. Can’t you put your mind on the occasion?
INA
Well, but Monona _is_ so messy.
DWIGHT
Women can_not_ generalize.
[_Clock strikes half hour._]
Curious how that clock loses. It must be fully quarter to. It is quarter
to! I’m pretty good at guessing time.
INA
I’ve often noticed that.
DWIGHT
That clock is a terrible trial. Last night it was only twenty-three
after when the half hour struck.
INA
Twenty-one I thought.
DWIGHT
Twenty-three. My dear Ina, didn’t I particularly notice. It was
twenty-three.
MONONA
[_Like lightning._]
I want my milk toast, I want my milk toast, I want my milk toast.
INA
Do hurry, sister. She’s going to get nervous.
[_MONONA chants her chant. Enter LULU._]
LULU
I’ve got the toast here.
INA
Did you burn it?
LULU
Not black.
DWIGHT
There we are. Milk toast like a ku-ween. Where is our young lady
daughter to-night?
INA
She’s at Jenny Plows, at a teaparty.
DWIGHT
Oh ho, teaparty. Is it?
LULU
We told you that this noon.
DWIGHT
[_Frowning at LULU._]
How much is salmon the can now, Ina?
INA
How much is it, Lulu?
LULU
The large ones are forty, that used to be twenty-five. And the small
ones that were ten, they’re twenty-five. The butter’s about all
gone. Shall I wait for the butter woman or get some creamery?
DWIGHT
Not at meal time, if you please, Lulu. The conversation at my table must
not deal with domestic matters.
LULU
I suppose salmon made me think of butter.
DWIGHT
There is not the remotest connection. Salmon comes from a river. Butter
comes from a cow. A cow bears no relation to a river. A cow may
drink from a river, she may do that, but I doubt if that was in your
mind when you spoke--you’re not that subtle.
LULU
No, that wasn’t in my mind.
[_Enter MOTHER BETT._]
DWIGHT
Well, Mama Bett, hungry now?
MRS. BETT
No, I’m not hungry.
INA
We put a potato in the oven for you, mama.
MRS. BETT
No, I thank you.
DWIGHT
And a muffin, Mama Bett.
MRS. BETT
No, I thank you.
LULU
Mama, can’t I fix you some fresh tea?
MRS. BETT
That’s right, Lulie. You’re a good girl. And see that you put in enough
tea so as a body can taste tea part of the way down.
INA
Sit here with us, mama.
MRS. BETT
No, I thank you. I’ll stand and keep my figger.
DWIGHT
You know you look like a queen when you stand up, straight back, high
head, a regular wonder for your years, you are.
MRS. BETT
Sometimes I think you try to flatter me.
[_Sits._]
[_Doorbell._]
MONONA
I’ll go. I’ll go. Let me go.
DWIGHT
Now what can anybody be thinking of to call just at meal time. Can’t I
even have a quiet supper with my family without the outside world
clamoring?
LULU
Maybe that’s the butter woman.
DWIGHT
Lulu, no more about the butter, please.
MONONA
Come on in. Here’s Bobby to see you, papa, let’s feed him.
DWIGHT
Oh ho! So I’m the favored one. Then draw up to the festive board,
Robert. A baked potato?
BOBBY
No, sir. I--I wanted something else.
DWIGHT
What’s this? Came to see the justice about getting married, did you? Or
the dentist to have your tooth pulled--eh? Same thing--eh, Ina? Ha!
ha! ha!
BOBBY
I--I wondered whether--I thought if you would give me a job....
DWIGHT
So that’s it.
BOBBY
I thought maybe I might cut the grass or cut--cut something.
DWIGHT
My boy, every man should cut his own grass. Every man should come home
at night, throw off his coat and, in his vigor, cut his own grass.
BOBBY
Yes, sir.
DWIGHT
Exercise, exercise is next to bread--next to gluten. Hold on,
though--hold on. After dental hours I want to begin presently to
work my garden. I have two lots. Property is a burden. Suppose you
cut the grass on the one lot through the spring.
BOBBY
Good enough, sir. Can I start right in now? It isn’t dark yet.
DWIGHT
That’s right, that’s right. Energy--it’s the driving power of the
nation.
[_They rise, DWIGHT goes toward the door with BOBBY._]
Start right in, by all means. You’ll find the mower in the shed, oiled
and ready. Tools always ready--that’s my motto, my boy.
[_Enter DI and CORNISH. CORNISH carries many favors._]
Ah ha!
DI
Where is everybody? Oh, hullo, Bobby! You came to see me?
BOBBY
Oh, hullo! No. I came to see your father.
DI
Did you? Well, there he is. Look at him.
BOBBY
You don’t need to tell me where to look or what to do. Good-by. I’ll
find the mower, Mr. Deacon.
[_Exit._]
DWIGHT
Mama! What do you s’pose? Di thought she had a beau--How are you,
Cornish?
DI
Oh, papa! Why, I just hate Bobby Larkin, and the whole school knows it.
Mama, wasn’t Mr. Cornish nice to help carry my favors?
INA
Ah, Mr. Cornish! You see what a popular little girl we have.
CORNISH
Yes, I suppose so. That is--isn’t that remarkable, Mrs. Deacon?
[_He tries to greet LULU, who is clearing the table._]
DI
Oh, papa, the sweetest party--and the dearest supper and the darlingest
decorations and the georgeousest---- Monona, let go of me!
DWIGHT
Children, children, can’t we have peace in this house?
MONONA
Ah, you’ll catch it for talking so smarty.
DI
Oh, will I?
INA
Monona, don’t stand listening to older people. Run around and play.
[_MONONA runs a swift circle and returns to her attitude of
listener._]
CORNISH
Pardon me--this is Miss Bett, isn’t it?
LULU
I--Lulu Bett, yes.
CORNISH
I had the pleasure of meeting you the night I was here for supper.
LULU
I didn’t think you’d remember.
CORNISH
Don’t you think I’d remember that meat pie?
LULU
Oh, yes. The meat pie. You might remember the meat pie.
[_Exit, carrying plates._]
CORNISH
What in the dickens did I say that for?
INA
Oh, Lulu likes it. She’s a wonderful cook. I don’t know what we should
do without her.
DWIGHT
A most exemplary woman is Lulu.
INA
That’s eggsemplary, Dwightie.
DWIGHT
My darling little dictionary.
DI
Mama, Mr. Cornish and I have promised to go back to help Jenny.
INA
How nice! And Mr. Cornish, do let us see you oftener.
DWIGHT
Yes, yes, Cornish. Drop in. Any time, you know.
CORNISH
I’ll be glad to come. I do get pretty lonesome evenings.
[_Enter LULU, clearing table._]
I eat out around. I guess that’s why your cooking made such an
impression on me, Miss Lulu.
LULU
Yes. Yes. I s’pose it would take something like that....
CORNISH
Oh, no, no! I didn’t mean--you mustn’t think I meant--What’d I say that
for?
LULU
Don’t mind. They always say that to me.
[_Exit with dishes._]
DI
Come on, Mr. Cornish. Jenny’ll be waiting. Monona, let _go_ of me!
MONONA
_I_ don’t want you!
DWIGHT
Early, darling, early! Get her back here early, Mr. Cornish.
CORNISH
Oh, I’ll have her back here as soon as ever she’ll come--well, ah--I
mean....
DI
Good-by Dwight and Ina!
[_Exit DI and CORNISH._]
DWIGHT
Nice fellow, nice fellow. Don’t know whether he’ll make a go of his
piano store, but he’s studying law evenings.
INA
But we don’t know anything about him, Dwight. A stranger so.
DWIGHT
On the contrary I know a great deal about him. I know that he has a
little inheritance coming to him.
INA
An inheritance--really? I _thought_ he was from a good family.
DWIGHT
My mercenary little pussy.
INA
Well, if he comes here so very much you know what we may expect.
DWIGHT
What may we expect?
INA
He’ll fall in love with Di. And a young girl is awfully flattered when a
good-looking older man pays her attention. Haven’t you noticed that?
DWIGHT
How women generalize! My dear Ina, I have other matters to notice.
INA
Monona. Stop listening! Run about and play.
[_MONONA runs her circle and returns._]
Well, look at that clock. It’s almost your bedtime, anyway.
[_Enter LULU._]
MONONA
No.
INA
It certainly is.
MONONA
That clock’s wrong. Papa said so.
INA
Mama says bedtime. In ten minutes.
MONONA
I won’t go all night.
DWIGHT
Daughter, daughter, daughter....
MONONA
I won’t go for a week.
[_DWIGHT sees on clock shelf a letter._]
INA
Oh, Dwight! It came this morning. I forgot.
LULU
I forgot too. And I laid it up there.
DWIGHT
Isn’t it understood that my mail can’t wait like this?
LULU
I know. I’m sorry. But you hardly ever get a letter.
DWIGHT
Of course pressing matters go to my office. Still my mail should have
more careful----
[_He reads._]
Now! What do you think I have to tell you?
INA
Oh, Dwightie! Something nice?
DWIGHT
That depends. I’ll like it. So’ll Lulu. It’s company.
MONONA
I hope they bring me something decent.
INA
Oh, Dwight, who?
DWIGHT
My brother, from Oregon.
INA
Ninian coming here?
DWIGHT
Some day next week. He don’t know what a charmer Lulu is or he’d come
quicker.
INA
Dwight, it’s been years since you’ve seen him.
DWIGHT
Nineteen--twenty. Must be twenty.
INA
And he’s never seen me.
DWIGHT
Nor Lulu.
INA
And think where he’s been. South America--Mexico--Panama and all. We
must put it in the paper.
MRS. BETT
Who’s coming? Why don’t you say who’s coming? You all act so dumb.
LULU
It’s Dwight’s brother, mother. His brother from Oregon.
MRS. BETT
Never heard of him.
LULU
[_Taking photograph from shelf._]
That one, mother. You’ve dusted his picture lots of times.
MRS. BETT
That? Got to have him around long?
DWIGHT
I don’t know. Wait till he sees Lulu. I expect when he sees Lulu you
can’t drive him away. He’s going to take one look at Lulu and settle
down here for life. He’s going to think Lulu is----
LULU
I--think the tea must be steeped now.
[_Exit._]
DWIGHT
He’s going to think Lulu is a stunner--a stunner....
[_The clock strikes. MONONA shrieks._]
Is the progeny hurt?
INA
Bedtime. Now, Monona, be mama’s nice little lady.... Monona, quiet,
pettie, quiet....
[_LULU enters with tea and toast._]
Lulu, won’t you take her to bed? You know Dwight and I are going to
Study Club.
LULU
There, mother. Yes. I’ll take her to bed. Come, Monona. And stop that
noise instantly.
[_MONONA stops. As they cross DWIGHT spies the tulip on LULU’S
gown._]
DWIGHT
Lulu. One moment. You _picked_ the flower on the plant?
LULU
Yes. I--picked it.
DWIGHT
She buys a hothouse plant and then ruins it!
LULU
I--I----
[_She draws MONONA swiftly left; exeunt; the door slams._]
DWIGHT
What a pity Lulu hasn’t your manners, pettie.
MRS. BETT
What do you care? She’s got yours.
DWIGHT
Mother Bett! Fare thee well.
MRS. BETT
How do you stand him? The lump!
INA
Mama dear, now drink your tea. Good-night, sweetie.
MRS. BETT
You needn’t think I forgot about the platter, because I ain’t. Of all
the extravagant doin’s, courtin’ the poorhouse----
[_Exeunt DWIGHT and INA. MRS. BETT continues to look after them, her
lips moving. At door appears BOBBY._]
BOBBY
Where’s Mr. Deacon?
MRS. BETT
Gone, thank the Lord!
BOBBY
I’ve got the grass cut.
MRS. BETT
You act like it was a trick.
BOBBY
Is--is everybody gone?
MRS. BETT
Who’s this you’re talkin’ to?
BOBBY
Yes, well, I meant--I guess I’ll go now.
[_Enter DI._]
DI
Well, Bobby Larkin. Are you cutting grass in the dining room?
BOBBY
No, ma’am, I was not cutting grass in the dining room.
[_Enter LULU, collects her mother’s dishes, folds cloth and
watches._]
DI
I used to think you were pretty nice, but I don’t like you any more.
BOBBY
Yes you used to! Is that why you made fun of me all the time?
DI
I had to. They all were teasing me about you.
BOBBY
They were? Teasing you about me?
DI
I had to make them stop so I teased you. I never wanted to.
BOBBY
Well, I never thought it was anything like that.
DI
Of course you didn’t. I--wanted to tell you.
BOBBY
You wanted----
DI
Of course I did. You must go now--they’re hearing us.
BOBBY
Say----
DI
Good-night. Go the back way, Bobby--you nice thing.
[_Exit BOBBY._]
Aunt Lulu, give me the cookies, please, and the apples. Mr. Cornish is
on the front porch ... mama and papa won’t be home till late, will
they?
LULU
I don’t think so.
DI
Well, I’ll see to the hall light. Don’t you bother. Good-night.
LULU
Good-night, Di.
[_Exit DI._]
MRS. BETT
My land! How she wiggles and chitters.
LULU
Mother, could you hear them? Di and Bobby Larkin?
MRS. BETT
Mother hears a-plenty.
LULU
How easy she done it ... got him right over ... how did she do that?
MRS. BETT
Di wiggles and chitters.
LULU
It was just the other day I taught her to sew ... I wonder if Ina knows.
MRS. BETT
What’s the use of you findin’ fault with Inie? Where’d you been if she
hadn’t married I’d like to know?... What say? ... eh? ... I’m goin’
to bed.... You always was jealous of Inie.
[_Exit MRS. BETT._]
[_LULU crosses to shelf, takes down photograph of NINIAN DEACON,
holds it, looks at it._]
CURTAIN
------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCENE II
SAME SET. _Late afternoon. A week later. The table is cleared of dishes,
and has an oilcloth cover. BOBBY is discovered outside the window,
on whose sill DI is sitting._
BOBBY
So you despise me for cutting grass?
DI
No, I don’t. But if you’re going to be a great man why don’t you get
started at it?
BOBBY
I am started at it--inside. But it don’t earn me a cent yet.
DI
Bobby, Bobby! I know you’re great now, don’t you ever think I don’t, but
I want everybody else to know.
BOBBY
Di, when you said that it sounded just like a--a you know.
DI
Like what?
BOBBY
Like a wife. Gee, what a word that is!
DI
Isn’t it? It’s ever so much more exciting word than husband.
[_Enter LULU, followed by MONONA. LULU carries bowl, pan of apples,
paring knife. MONONA carries basket of apples and a towel. As LULU
rattles dishes, DI turns, sees LULU. BOBBY disappears from
window._]
DI
There’s never any privacy in this house.
[_Exit DI._]
LULU
Hurry, Monona, I must make the pies before I get dinner. Now wipe every
one.
MONONA
What for?
LULU
To make the pies.
MONONA
What do you want to make pies for?
LULU
To eat.
MONONA
What do you want to eat for?
LULU
To grow strong--and even sensible.
MONONA
It’s no fun asking you a string of questions. You never get mad. Mama
gets good and mad. So does papa.
LULU
Then why do you ask them questions?
MONONA
Oh, I like to get them going.
LULU
Monona!
MONONA
I told mama I didn’t pass, just so I could hear her.
LULU
Why, Monona!
MONONA
Then when I told her I did pass, she did it again. When she’s mad she
makes awful funny faces.
LULU
You love her, don’t you, Monona?
MONONA
I love her best when there’s company. If there was always company, I’d
always love her. Isn’t she sweet before Uncle Ninian though?
LULU
I--I don’t know. Monona, you mustn’t talk so.
MONONA
He’s been here a week and mama hasn’t been cross once. Want to know what
he said about you?
LULU
I--did he--did he say anything about me?
MONONA
He told papa you were the best cook he’d ever ate. Said he’d et a good
many.
LULU
The cooking. It’s always the cooking.
MONONA
He said some more, but I can’t remember.
LULU
Monona, what else did he say?
MONONA
I don’t know.
LULU
Try....
MONONA
Here he is now. Ask him to his face. Hullo, Uncle Ninian! Good-by.
[_Exit MONONA. Enter NINIAN._]
NINIAN
Hello, kitten! Ask him what? What do you want to ask him?
LULU
I--I think I was wondering what kind of pies you like best.
NINIAN
That’s easy. I like your kind of pies best. The best ever. Every day
since I’ve been here I’ve seen you baking, Mrs. Bett.
LULU
Yes, I--bake. What did you call me then?
NINIAN
Mrs. Bett--isn’t it? Every one says just Lulu, but I took it for
granted.... Well, now--is it Mrs.? or Miss Lulu Bett?
LULU
It’s Miss.... From choice.
NINIAN
You bet! Oh, you bet! Never doubted that.
LULU
What kind of a Mr. are you?
NINIAN
Never give myself away. Say, by George, I never thought of that before.
There’s no telling whether a man’s married or not, by his name.
LULU
It doesn’t matter.
NINIAN
Why?
LULU
Not so many people want to know.
NINIAN
Say, you’re pretty good, aren’t you?
LULU
If I am it never took me very far.
NINIAN
Where you been mostly?
LULU
Here. I’ve always been here. Fifteen years with Ina. Before that we
lived in the country.
NINIAN
Never been anywhere much?
LULU
Never been anywhere at all.
NINIAN
H ... m. Well, I want to tell you something about yourself.
LULU
About me?
NINIAN
Something that I’ll bet you don’t even know. It’s this: I think you have
it pretty hard around here.
LULU
Oh, no!
NINIAN
See here. Do you have to work like this all the time? I guess you won’t
mind my asking.
LULU
But I ought to work. I have a home with them. Mother too.
NINIAN
But glory! You ought to have some kind of a life of your own.
LULU
How could I do that?
NINIAN
A man don’t even know what he’s like till he’s roamed around on his
own.... Roamed around on his own. Course a woman don’t understand
that.
LULU
Why don’t she? Why don’t she?
NINIAN
Do you?
[_LULU nods._]
I’ve had twenty-five years of galloping about--Brazil, Mexico, Panama.
LULU
My!
NINIAN
It’s the life.
LULU
Must be. I----
NINIAN
Yes, you. Why, you’ve never had a thing! I guess you don’t know how it
seems to me, coming along--a stranger so. I don’t like it.
LULU
They’re very good to me.
NINIAN
Do you know why you think that? Because you’ve never had anybody really
good to you. That’s why.
LULU
But they treat me good.
NINIAN
They make a slavey of you. Regular slavey. Damned shame _I_ call it.
LULU
But we have our whole living----
NINIAN
And you earn it. I been watching you ever since I’ve been here. Don’t
you ever go anywhere?
LULU
Oh, no, I don’t go anywhere. I----
NINIAN
Lord! Don’t you want to? Of course you do.
LULU
Of course I’d like to get clear away--or I used to want to.
NINIAN
Say--you’ve been a blamed fine-looking woman.
LULU
You must have been a good-looking man once yourself.
NINIAN
You’re pretty good. I don’t see how you do it--darned if I do.
LULU
How I do what?
NINIAN
Why come back, quick like that, with what you say. You don’t look it.
LULU
It must be my grand education.
NINIAN
Education: I ain’t never had it and I ain’t never missed it.
LULU
Most folks are happy without an education.
NINIAN
You’re not very happy, though.
LULU
Oh, no.
NINIAN
Well you ought to get up and get out of here--find--find some work you
_like_ to do.
LULU
But, you see, I can’t do any other work--that’s the trouble--women like
me can’t do any other work.
NINIAN
But you make this whole house go round.
LULU
If I do, nobody knows it.
NINIAN
I know it. I hadn’t been in the house twenty-four hours till I knew it.
LULU
You did? You thought that.... Yes, well if I do I hate making it go
round.
NINIAN
See here--couldn’t you tell me a little bit about--what you’d _like_ to
do? If you had your own way?
LULU
I don’t know--now.
NINIAN
What did you ever think you’d like to do?
LULU
Take care of folks that needed me. I--I mean sick folks or old folks
or--like that. Take _care_ of them. Have them--have them want me.
NINIAN
By George! You’re a wonder.
LULU
Am I? Ask Dwight.
NINIAN
Dwight. I could knock the top of his head off the way he speaks to you.
I’d like to see you get out of this, I certainly would.
LULU
I can’t get out. I’ll never get out--now.
NINIAN
Don’t keep saying “now” like that. You--you put me out of business,
darned if you don’t.
LULU
Oh, I don’t mean to feel sorry for myself--you stop making me feel sorry
for myself!
NINIAN
I know one thing--I’m going to give Dwight Deacon a chunk of my mind.
LULU
Oh, no! no! no! I wouldn’t want you to do that. Thank you.
NINIAN
Well, somebody ought to do something. See here--while I’m staying around
you know you’ve got a friend in me, don’t you?
LULU
Do I?
NINIAN
You bet you do.
LULU
Not just my cooking?
NINIAN
Oh, come now--why, I liked you the first moment I saw you.
LULU
Honest?
NINIAN
Go on--go on. Did you like me?
LULU
Now you’re just being polite.
NINIAN
Say, I wish there was some way----
LULU
Don’t you bother about me.
NINIAN
I wish there was some way----
[_MONONA’S voice chants._]
[_Enter MONONA._]
MONONA
You’ve had him long enough, Aunt Lulu----Can’t you pay me some ’tention?
NINIAN
Come here. Give us a kiss. My stars, what a great big tall girl! Have to
put a board on her head to stop this growing.
MONONA
[_Seeing diamond._]
What’s that?
NINIAN
That diamond came from Santa Claus. He has a jewelry shop in heaven. I
have twenty others like this one. I keep the others to wear on the
Sundays when the sun comes up in the west.
MONONA
Does the sun ever come up in the west?
NINIAN
Sure--on my honor. Some day I’m going to melt a diamond and eat it. Then
you sparkle all over in the dark, ever after. I’m going to plant one
too, some day. Then you can grow a diamond vine. Yes, on my honor.
LULU
Don’t do that--don’t do that.
NINIAN
What?
LULU
To her. That’s lying.
NINIAN
Oh, no. That’s not lying. That’s just drama. Drama. Do you like going to
a good show?
LULU
I’ve never been to any--only those that come here.
NINIAN
Think of that now. Don’t you ever go to the city?
LULU
I haven’t been in six years and over.
NINIAN
Well, sir, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do with you. While I’m here
I’m going to take you and Ina and Dwight up to the city, to see a
show.
LULU
Oh, you don’t want me to go.
NINIAN
Yes, sir, I’ll give you one good time. Dinner and a show.
LULU
Ina and Dwight do that sometimes. I can’t imagine me.
NINIAN
Well, you’re coming with me. I’ll look up something good. And you tell
me just what you like to eat and we’ll order it----
LULU
It’s been years since I’ve eaten anything that I haven’t cooked myself.
NINIAN
It has. Say, by George! why shouldn’t we go to the city _to-night_.
LULU
To-night?
NINIAN
Yes. If Dwight and Ina will. It’s early yet. What do you say?
LULU
You sure you want me to go? Why--I don’t know whether I’ve got anything
I could wear.
NINIAN
Sure you have.
LULU
I--yes, I have. I could wear the waist I always thought they’d use--if I
died.
NINIAN
Sure you could wear that. Just the thing. And throw some things in a
bag--it’ll be too late to come back to-night. Now don’t you back
out....
LULU
Oh, the pies----
NINIAN
Forget the pies--well, no, I wouldn’t say that. But hustle them up.
LULU
Oh, maybe Ina won’t go....
NINIAN
Leave Ina to me.
[_Exit NINIAN._]
LULU
Mother, mother! Monona, put the rest of those apples back in the basket
and carry them out.
MONONA
Yes, Aunt Lulu.
LULU
I can’t get ready. They’ll leave me behind. Mother! Hurry, Monona. We
mustn’t leave such a looking house. Mother! Monona, don’t you drop
those apples.
[_MONONA drops them all._]
My heavens, my pies aren’t in the oven yet.
[_Enter MRS. BETT._]
MRS. BETT
Who wants their mother?
LULU
Mother, please pick up these things for me--quick.
MRS. BETT
[_Leisurely_]
What is the rush, Lulie?
LULU
Mother, Mr. Deacon--Ninian, you know--wants Ina and Dwight and me to go
to the theater to-night in the city.
MRS. BETT
Does, does he? Well, you mind me, Lulie, and go on. It’ll do you good.
LULU
Yes, mother. I will.
[_Exit with pies._]
MRS. BETT
No need breaking everybody’s neck off, though, as I know of. Monona, get
out from under my feet.
MONONA
Grandma, compared between what I am, you are nothing.
MRS. BETT
What do you mean--little ape?
MONONA
It’s no fun to get you going. You’re too easy, grandma dear!
[_Exit. Enter NINIAN._]
NINIAN
All right--Dwight and Ina are game. Oh, Mrs. Bett! Won’t you come to the
theater with us to-night?
MRS. BETT
No. I’m fooled enough without fooling myself on purpose. But Lulie can
go.
NINIAN
You don’t let her go too much, do you, Mrs. Bett?
MRS. BETT
Well, I ain’t never let her go to the altar if that’s what you mean.
NINIAN
Don’t you think she’d be better off?
MRS. BETT
Wouldn’t make much difference. Why look at me. A husband, six children,
four of ’em under the sod with him. And sometimes I feel as though
nothin’ more had happened to me than has happened to Lulie. It’s all
gone. For me just the same as for her. Only she ain’t had the pain.
[_Yawns._]
What was I talkin’ about just then?
NINIAN
Why--why--er, we were talking about going to the theater.
MRS. BETT
Going to the theater, are you?
[_Enter LULU._]
NINIAN
It’s all right, Miss Lulu. They’ll go--both of them. Dwight is
telephoning for the seats.
LULU
I was wondering why you should be so kind to me.
NINIAN
Kind? Why, this is for my own pleasure, Miss Lulu. That’s what I think
of mostly.
LULU
But just see. It’s so wonderful. Half an hour ago I never thought I’d be
going to the city now--with you all....
NINIAN
I’m an impulsive cuss you’ll find, Miss Lulu.
LULU
But this is so wonderful....
[_Enter INA._]
Ina, isn’t it beautiful that we’re going?
INA
Oh, are you going?
NINIAN
Of course she’s going. Great snakes, why not?
INA
Only that Lulu never goes anywhere.
NINIAN
Whose fault is that?
LULU
Just habit. Pure habit.
NINIAN
Pure cussedness somewhere. Miss Lulu, now you go and get ready and Ina
and I’ll finish straightening up here.
LULU
Oh, I’ll finish.
NINIAN
Go and get ready. I want to see that waist.
LULU
Oh, but I don’t need to go yet----
NINIAN
Ina, you tell her to go----
INA
Well, but Lulu, you aren’t going to bother to change your dress, are
you? You can slip something on over.
LULU
If you think this would do----
NINIAN
It will not do. Not for my party!
[_Shuts the door upon her._]
INA
How in the world did you ever get Lulu to go, Ninian? _We_ never did.
NINIAN
It was very simple. I invited her.
INA
Oh, you mean----
NINIAN
I invited her.
[_Doorbell rings._]
Shall I answer it?
INA
Will you, please?
[_Exit NINIAN._]
Mother, have you seen Di anywhere?
MRS. BETT
I ain’t done nothing but see her.
[_Motions to window._]
INA
[_At window._]
Forevermore. That Larkin boy again. Di! Diana Deacon! Come here at once.
DI’S VOICE
Yes, mama.
[_At window._]
Want me?
INA
I want you to stop making a spectacle of _me_ before the neighborhood.
DI
Of _you_!
INA
Certainly. What will people think of me if they see you talking with
Robert Larkin the whole afternoon?
DI
We weren’t thinking about you, mummy.
INA
No. You never do think about me. Nobody thinks about me. And mama does
try so hard----
DI
Oh, mama, I’ve heard you say that fifty hundred times.
INA
And what impression does it make? None.... Nobody listens to me. Nobody.
[_Enter NINIAN and CORNISH._]
NINIAN
All right to bring him in here?
INA
Oh, Mr. Cornish! how very nice to see you.
CORNISH
Good afternoon, Mrs. Deacon. How are you, Miss Di?
NINIAN
I’ve just been asking Mr. Cornish if he won’t join us to-night for
dinner and the show.
INA
Oh, Mr. Cornish, do--we’d be so glad.
CORNISH
Why, why, if that wouldn’t be----
NINIAN
You’re invited, Di, you know.
DI
Me? Oh, how heavenly! Oh, but I’ve an engagement with Bobby----
INA
But I’m sure you’d break that to go with Uncle Ninian and Mr. Cornish.
DI
Well, I’d break it to go to the theater----
INA
Why, Di Deacon!
DI
Oh, of course to go with Uncle Ninian and Mr. Cornish.
CORNISH
This is awfully good of you. I dropped in because I got so lonesome I
didn’t know what else to do--that is, I mean....
NINIAN
We get it. We get it.
INA
We’d love to see you any time, Mr. Cornish. Now if you’ll excuse Di and
me one minute.
DI
Uncle Ninian, you’re a lamb.
[_Exeunt DI and INA._]
MRS. BETT
I’m just about the same as I was.
CORNISH
What--er--oh, Mrs. Bett, I didn’t see you.
MRS. BETT
I don’t complain. But it wouldn’t turn my head if some of you spoke to
me once in a while. Say--can you tell me what these folks are up to?
CORNISH
Up to ... up to?
MRS. BETT
Yes. They’re all stepping round here, up to something. I don’t know
what.
NINIAN
Why, Mrs. Bett, we’re going to the city to the theater, you know.
MRS. BETT
Well, why didn’t you say so?
[_Enter DWIGHT._]
DWIGHT
Ha! Everybody ready? Well, well, well, well. How are you, Cornish? You
going too, Ina says.
CORNISH
Yes, I thought I might as well. I mean----
DWIGHT
That’s right, that’s right. Mama Bett. Look here!
MRS. BETT
What’s that?
DWIGHT
_Ice_ cream--it’s _ice_ cream. Who is it sits home and has _ice_ cream
put in her lap like a ku-ween?
MRS. BETT
Vanilly or chocolate?
DWIGHT
Chocolate, Mama Bett.
MRS. BETT
Vanilly sets better.... I’ll put it in the ice chest--I _may_ eat it.
[_Takes spoon from sideboard. Exit. CORNISH goes with her._]
DWIGHT
Where’s the lovely Lulu?
NINIAN
She’ll be here directly.
DWIGHT
Now what I want to know, Nin, is how you’ve hypnotized the lovely Lulu
into this thing.
NINIAN
Into going? Dwight, I’ll tell you about that. I asked her to go with us.
Do you get it? I invited the woman.
DWIGHT
Ah, but with a way--with a way. She’s never been anywhere like this with
us.... Well, Nin, how does it seem to see me settled down into a
respectable married citizen in my own town--eh?
NINIAN
Oh--you seem just like yourself.
DWIGHT
Yes, yes. I don’t change much. Don’t feel a day older than I ever did.
NINIAN
And you don’t act it.
DWIGHT
Eh, you wouldn’t think it to look at us, but our aunt had her hands
pretty full bringing us up. Nin, we must certainly run up state and
see Aunt Mollie while you’re here. She isn’t very well.
NINIAN
I don’t know whether I’ll have time or not.
DWIGHT
Nin, I love that woman. She’s an angel. When I think of her I feel--I
give you my word--I feel like somebody else.
[_Enter MRS. BETT and CORNISH._]
NINIAN
Nice old lady.
MRS. BETT
Who’s a nice old lady?
DWIGHT
You, Mama Bett! Who else but you--eh? Well, now, Nin, what about you.
You’ve been saying mighty little about yourself. What’s been
happening to you, anyway?----
NINIAN
That’s the question.
DWIGHT
Traveling mostly--eh?
NINIAN
Yes, traveling mostly.
DWIGHT
I thought Ina and I might get over to the other side this year, but I
guess not--I guess not.
MRS. BETT
Pity not to have went while the going was good.
DWIGHT
What’s that, Mama Bett?
[_Enter LULU._]
Ah, the lovely Lulu. She comes, she comes! My word what a costoom. And a
coif_fure_.
LULU
Thank you. How do you do, Mr. Cornish?
CORNISH
How do you do, Miss Lulu? You see they’re taking me along too.
LULU
That’s nice. But, Mr. Deacon, I’m afraid I can’t go after all. I haven’t
any gloves.
NINIAN
No backing out now.
DWIGHT
Can’t you wear some old gloves of Ina’s?
LULU
No, no. Ina’s gloves are too fat for me--I mean too--mother, how does
this hat look?
MRS. BETT
You’d ought to know how it looks, Lulie. You’ve had it on your head for
ten years, hand-running.
LULU
And I haven’t any theater cape. I couldn’t go with my jacket and no
gloves, could I?
DWIGHT
Now why need a charmer like you care about clothes!
LULU
I wouldn’t want you gentlemen to be ashamed of me.
CORNISH
Why, Miss Lulu, you look real neat.
MRS. BETT
Act as good as you look, Lulie. You mind me and go on.
[_Enter INA._]
DWIGHT
Ha! All ready with our hat on! For a wonder, all ready with our hat on.
INA
That isn’t really necessary, Dwight.
LULU
Ina, I wondered--I thought about your linen duster. Would it hurt if I
wore that?
DWIGHT
The new one?
LULU
Oh no, no. The old one.
INA
Why take it, Lulu, yes, certainly. Get it, Dwightie, there in the hall.
[_DWIGHT goes._]
CORNISH
Miss Lulu, with all the solid virtues you’ve got, you don’t need to
think for a moment of how you look.
LULU
Now you’re remembering the meat pie again, aren’t you?
[_Enter DWIGHT._]
DWIGHT
Now! The festive opera cloak. Allow me! My word, what a picture! Lulu
the charmer dressed for her deboo into society, eh?
NINIAN
Dwight, shut your head. I want you to understand this is Miss Lulu
Bett’s party--and if she says to leave you home, we’ll do it.
DWIGHT
Ah, ha! An understanding between these two.
CORNISH
Well, Miss Lulu, _I_ think you’re just fine anyway.
LULU
Oh, thank you. Thank you....
[_Enter DI._]
INA
All ready, darling?
DI
All ready--and so excited! Isn’t it exciting, Mr. Cornish?
DWIGHT
Bless me if the whole family isn’t assembled. Now isn’t this pleasant!
Ten--let me see--twelve minutes before we need set out. Then the
city and dinner--not just Lulu’s cooking, but dinner! By a chef.
INA
That’s sheff, Dwightie. Not cheff.
DWIGHT
[_Indicating INA._]
Little crusty to-night. Pettie, your hat’s just a little mite--no, over
the other way.
INA
Was there anything to prevent your speaking of that before?
LULU
Ina, that hat’s ever so much prettier than the old one.
INA
I never saw anything the matter with the old one.
DWIGHT
She’ll be all right when we get started--out among the bright lights.
Adventure--adventure is what the woman wants. I’m too tame for her.
INA
Idiot.
[_Back at window, BOBBY LARKIN appears. DI slips across to him._]
MRS. BETT
I s’pose you all think I like being left sitting here stark alone?
NINIAN
Why, Mrs. Bett----
INA
Why, mama----
LULU
Oh, mother, I’ll stay with you.
DWIGHT
Oh, look here, if she really minds staying alone I’ll stay with her.
MRS. BETT
Where you going anyway?
LULU
The theater, mama.
MRS. BETT
First I’ve heard of it.
[_MONONA is heard chanting._]
INA
You’ll have Monona with you, mama.
[_MRS. BETT utters one note of laughter, thin and high_.]
[_Enter MONONA._]
MONONA
Where you going?
INA
The city, dear.
[_MONONA cries._]
Now quiet, pettie, quiet----
MONONA
You’ve all got to bring me something. And I’m going to sit up and eat
it, too.
MRS. BETT
Come here, you poor, neglected child.
[_Throughout the following scene MRS. BETT is absorbed with MONONA,
and DI with BOBBY._]
DWIGHT
What’s Lulu the charmer so still for, eh?
LULU
I was thinking how nice it is to be going off with you all like this.
DWIGHT
Such a moment advertises to the single the joys of family life as Ina
and I live it.
INA
It’s curious that you’ve never married, Ninian.
NINIAN
Don’t say it like that. Maybe I have. Or maybe I will.
DWIGHT
She wants everybody to marry but she wishes she hadn’t.
INA
Do you _have_ to be so foolish?
DWIGHT
Hi--better get started before she makes a scene. It’s too early yet,
though. Well--Lulu, you dance on the table.
INA
Why, Dwight?
DWIGHT
Got to amuse ourselves somehow. They’ll begin to read the funeral
service over us.
NINIAN
Why not the wedding service?
DWIGHT
Ha, ha, ha!
NINIAN
I shouldn’t object. Should you, Miss Lulu?
LULU
I--I don’t know it so I can’t say it.
NINIAN
I can say it.
DWIGHT
Where’d you learn it?
NINIAN
Goes like this: I, Ninian, take thee, Lulu, to be my wedded wife.
DWIGHT
Lulu don’t dare say that.
NINIAN
Show him, Miss Lulu.
DWIGHT
I, Lulu, take thee, Ninian, to be my wedded husband.
NINIAN
You will?
LULU
I will. There--I guess I can join in like the rest of you.
NINIAN
And I will. There, by Jove! have we entertained the company, or haven’t
we?
INA
Oh, honestly--I don’t think you ought to--holy things so--what’s the
matter, Dwightie?
DWIGHT
Say, by George, you know, a civil wedding is binding in this state.
NINIAN
A civil wedding--oh, well----
DWIGHT
But I happen to be a magistrate.
INA
Why, Dwightie--why, Dwightie....
CORNISH
Mr. Deacon, this can’t be possible.
DWIGHT
I tell you, what these two have said is all that they have to say
according to law. And there don’t have to be witnesses--say!
LULU
Don’t ... don’t ... don’t let Dwight scare you.
NINIAN
Scare me! why, I think it’s a good job done if you ask me.
[_Their eyes meet in silence._]
INA
Mercy, sister!
DWIGHT
Oh, well--I should say we can have it set aside up in the city and no
one will be the wiser.
NINIAN
Set aside nothing. I’d like to see it stand.
INA
Ninian, are you serious?
NINIAN
Of course I’m serious.
INA
Lulu. You hear him? What are you going to say to that?
LULU
He isn’t in earnest.
NINIAN
I am in earnest--hope to die.
LULU
Oh, no, no!
NINIAN
You come with me. We’ll have it done over again somewhere if you say so.
LULU
Why--why--that couldn’t be....
NINIAN
Why couldn’t it be--why couldn’t it?
LULU
How could you want me?
NINIAN
Didn’t I tell you I liked you from the first minute I saw you?
LULU
Yes. Yes, you did. But--no, no. I couldn’t let you----
NINIAN
Never mind that. Would _you_ be willing to go with me? Would you?
LULU
But you--you said you wanted--oh, maybe you’re just doing this
because----
NINIAN
Lulu. Never mind any of that. Would _you_ be willing to go with me?
LULU
Oh, if I thought----
NINIAN
Good girl----
INA
Why, Lulu. Why, Dwight. It can’t be legal.
DWIGHT
Why? Because it’s your sister? I’ve married dozens of couples this way.
Dozens.
NINIAN
Good enough--eh, Lulu?
LULU
It’s--it’s all right, I guess.
DWIGHT
Well, I’ll be dished.
CORNISH
Well, by Jerusalem....
INA
Sister!
NINIAN
I was going to make a trip south this month on my way home from here.
Suppose we make sure of this thing and start right off. You’d like
that, wouldn’t you? Going to Savannah?
LULU
Yes, I’d like that.
NINIAN
Then that’s checked off.
DWIGHT
I suppose we call off our trip to the city to-night then.
NINIAN
Call off nothing. Come along. Give us a send-off. You can shoot our
trunks after us, can’t you? All right, Miss Lulu--er--er, Mrs. Lulu?
LULU
If you won’t be ashamed of me.
NINIAN
I can buy you some things in the city to-morrow.
LULU
Oh....
INA
Oh, mama, mama! Did you hear? Di! Aunt Lulu’s married.
DI
Married? Aunt Lulu?
INA
Just now. Right here. By papa.
DI
Oh, to Mr. Cornish?
CORNISH
No, Miss Di. Don’t you worry.
INA
To Ninian, mama. They’ve just been married--Lulu and Ninian.
MRS. BETT
Who’s going to do your work?
LULU
Oh, mother dearest--I don’t know who will. I ought not to have done
this. Well, of course, I didn’t do it----
MRS. BETT
I knew well enough you were all keeping something from me.
INA
But, mama! It was so sudden----
LULU
I never planned to do it, mother--not like this----
MRS. BETT
Well, Inie, I should think Lulie might have had a little more
consideration to her than this.
[_At the window, behind the curtain, DI has just kissed BOBBY
good-by._]
LULU
Mother dearest, tell me it’s all right.
MRS. BETT
This is what comes of going to the theater.
LULU
Mother----
DWIGHT
Come on, everybody, if we’re going to make that train.
NINIAN
Yes. Let’s get out of this.
CORNISH
Come, Miss Di.
INA
Oh, I’m so _flustrated_!
DWIGHT
Come, come, come all! On to the festive city!
MONONA
[_Dancing stiffly up and down._]
I was to a wedding! I was to a wedding!
NINIAN
Good-by, Mama Bett!
LULU
Mother, mother! Don’t forget the two pies!
CURTAIN
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACT II
SCENE I
SIDE PORCH, _wicker furnished. At the back are two windows, attractively
curtained and revealing shaded lamps; between the windows a door, of
good lines, set in white clapboards. The porch is raised but a step
or two. Low greenery, and a path leading off sharply left. It is
evening, a month after LULU’S marriage._
[_Discover INA, DWIGHT, MRS. BETT and MONONA._]
INA
Dwight dear, the screen has never been put on that back window.
DWIGHT
Now, why can’t my puss remind me of that in the morning instead of the
only time I have to take my ease with my family.
INA
But, Dwight, in the mornings you are so busy----
DWIGHT
What an argumentative puss you are. By Jove! look at that rambler
rosebush. It’s got to be sprayed.
INA
You’ve said that every night for a week, Dwight....
DWIGHT
Don’t exaggerate like that, Ina. It’s bad for Monona.
INA
Dwight, look, quick. There go our new neighbors. They have a
limousine--Perhaps I have been a little slow about calling. Look at
them, Dwight!
DWIGHT
My dear Ina, I see them. Do you want me to pat them on the back?
INA
Well, I think you might be interested.
[_MONONA chants softly._]
Dwight, I wonder if Monona really has a musical gift.
DWIGHT
She’s a most unusual child. Do you know it?
[_Enter DI, from house._]
INA
Oh, they both are. Where are _you_ going, I’d like to know?
DI
Mama, I have to go down to the liberry.
INA
It seems to me you have to go to the library every evening. Dwight, do
you think she ought to go?
DWIGHT
Diana, is it necessary that you go?
DI
Well, everybody else goes, and----
INA
I will not have you downtown in the evenings.
DI
But you let me go last night.
INA
All the better reason why you should _not_ go to-night.
MONONA
Mama, let me go with her.
INA
Very well, Di, you may go and take your sister.
MONONA
Goody, goody! last time you wouldn’t let me go.
INA
That’s why mama’s going to let you go to-night.
DWIGHT
I thought you said the child must go to bed half an hour earlier because
she wouldn’t eat her egg.
INA
Yes, that’s so, I did. Monona, you can’t go.
MONONA
But I didn’t want my egg--honest I didn’t.
INA
Makes no difference. You must eat or you’ll get sick. Mama’s going to
teach you to eat. Go on, Di, to the library if it’s necessary.
DWIGHT
I suppose Bobby Larkin has to go to the library to-night, eh?
INA
Dwight, I wouldn’t joke her about him. Scold her about him, the way you
did this morning.
DI
But papa was cross about something else this morning. And to-night he
isn’t. Good-by, Dwight and Ina!
[_Exit DI._]
MONONA
I hate the whole family.
MRS. BETT
Well, I should think she would.
INA
Why, mama! Why, Pettie Deacon!
[_MONONA weeps silently._]
DWIGHT
[_To INA._]
Say no more, my dear. It’s best to overlook. Show a sweet spirit....
MRS. BETT
About as much like a father and mother as a cat and dog.
DWIGHT
We’ve got to learn----
MRS. BETT
Performin’ like a pair of weathercocks.
[_Both talking at once._]
DWIGHT
Mother Bett! Are you talking, or am I?
MRS. BETT
I am. But you don’t seem to know it.
DWIGHT
Let us talk, pussy, and she’ll simmer down. Ah--nothing new from the
bride and groom?
INA
No, Dwight. And it’s been a week since Lulu wrote. She said he’d bought
her a new red dress--and a hat. Isn’t it too funny--to think of
Lulu----
DWIGHT
I don’t understand why they plan to go straight to Oregon without coming
here first.
INA
It isn’t a bit fair to mama, going off that way. Leaving her own
mother--why, she may never see mama again.
MRS. BETT
Oh I’m going to last on quite a while yet.
DWIGHT
Of course you are, Mama Bett. You’re my best girl. That reminds me, Ina,
we must run up to visit Aunt Mollie. We ought to run up there next
week. She isn’t well.
INA
Let’s do that. Dear me, I wish Lulu was here to leave in charge. I
certainly do miss Lulu--lots of ways.
MRS. BETT
’Specially when it comes mealtime.
INA
Is that somebody coming here?
DWIGHT
Looks like it--yes, so it is. Some caller, as usual.
[_Enter LULU._]
Well, if it isn’t Miss Lulu Bett.
INA
Why, sister!
MRS. BETT
Lulie. Lulie. Lulie.
LULU
How did you know?
INA
Know what?
LULU
That it isn’t Lulu Deacon.
DWIGHT
What’s this?
INA
Isn’t Lulu Deacon. What are you talking?
LULU
Didn’t he write to you?
DWIGHT
Not a word. All we’ve had we had from you--the last from Savannah,
Georgia.
LULU
Savannah, Georgia....
DWIGHT
Well, but he’s here with you, isn’t he?
INA
Where is he? Isn’t he here?
LULU
Must be most to Oregon by this time.
DWIGHT
Oregon?
LULU
You see, he had another wife.
INA
Another wife!
DWIGHT
Why, he had not.
LULU
Yes, another wife. He hasn’t seen her for fifteen years and he thinks
she’s dead. But he isn’t sure.
DWIGHT
Nonsense. Why of course she’s dead if he thinks so.
LULU
I had to be sure.
INA
Monona! Go upstairs to bed at once.
MONONA
It’s only quarter of.
INA
Do as mama tells you.
MONONA
But----
INA
Monona!
[_She goes, kissing them all good-night and taking her time about
it. Everything is suspended while she kisses them and departs,
walking slowly backward._]
MRS. BETT
Married? Lulie, was your husband married?
LULU
Yes, my husband was married, mother.
INA
Mercy, think of anything like that in our family.
DWIGHT
Well, go on--go on. Tell us about it.
LULU
We were going to Oregon. First down to New Orleans and then out to
California and up the coast.... Well, then at Savannah, Georgia, he
said he thought I better know first. So then he told me.
DWIGHT
Yes--well, what did he say?
LULU
Cora Waters. Cora Waters. She married him down in San Diego eighteen
years ago. She went to South America with him.
DWIGHT
Well, he never let us know of it, if she did.
LULU
No. She married him just before he went. Then in South America, after
two years, she ran away. That’s all he knows.
DWIGHT
That’s a pretty story.
LULU
He says if she was alive she’d be after him for a divorce. And she never
has been so he thinks she must be dead. The trouble is he wasn’t
sure. And I had to be sure.
INA
Well, but mercy! Couldn’t he find out now?
LULU
It might take a long time and I didn’t want to stay and not know.
INA
Well then why didn’t he say so here?
LULU
He would have. But you know how sudden everything was. He said he
thought about telling us right here that afternoon when--when it
happened but of course that’d been hard, wouldn’t it? And then he
felt so sure she was dead.
INA
Why did he tell you at all then?
DWIGHT
Yes. Why indeed?
LULU
I thought that just at first but only just at first. Of course that
wouldn’t have been right. And then you see he gave me my choice.
DWIGHT
Gave you your choice?
LULU
Yes. About going on and taking the chances. He gave me my choice when he
told me, there in Savannah, Georgia.
DWIGHT
What made him conclude by then that you ought to be told?
LULU
Why, he’d got to thinking about it.
[_A silence._]
The only thing as long as it happened I kind of wish he hadn’t told me
till we got to Oregon.
INA
Lulu! Oh, you poor poor thing....
[_MRS. BETT suddenly joins INA in tears, rocking her body._]
LULU
Don’t, mother. Oh, Ina, don’t.... He felt bad too.
DWIGHT
He! He must have.
INA
It’s you. It’s you. _My_ sister!
LULU
I never thought of it making you both feel bad. I knew it would make
Dwight feel bad. I mean, it was his brother----
INA
Thank goodness! nobody need know about it.
LULU
Oh, yes. People will have to know.
DWIGHT
I do not see the necessity.
LULU
Why, what would they think?
DWIGHT
What difference does it make what they think?
LULU
Why, I shouldn’t like--you see they might--why, Dwight, I think we’ll
have to tell them.
DWIGHT
You do. You think the disgrace of bigamy in this family is something the
whole town will have to know about.
LULU
Say. I never thought about it being that.
DWIGHT
What did you think it was? And whose disgrace is it, pray?
LULU
Mine. And Ninian’s.
DWIGHT
Ninian’s. Well, he’s gone. But you’re here. And I’m here--and my family.
Folks’ll feel sorry for you. But the disgrace, that would reflect on
me.
LULU
But if we don’t tell what’ll they think?
DWIGHT
They’ll think what they always think when a wife leaves her husband.
They’ll think you couldn’t get along. That’s all.
LULU
I should hate that. I wouldn’t want them to think I hadn’t been a good
wife to Ninian.
DWIGHT
Wife? You never were his wife. That’s just the point.
LULU
Oh!
DWIGHT
Don’t you realize the position he’s in?... See here--do you intend--Are
you going to sue Ninian?
LULU
Oh! no! no! no!
INA
Why, Lulu, any one would think you loved him.
LULU
I do love him. And he loved me. Don’t you think I know? He loved me.
INA
Lulu.
LULU
I love him--I do, and I’m not ashamed to tell you.
MRS. BETT
Lulie, Lulie, was his other wife--was she _there_?
LULU
No, no, mother. She wasn’t there.
MRS. BETT
Then it ain’t so bad. I was afraid maybe she turned you out.
LULU
No, no. It wasn’t that bad, mother.
DWIGHT
In fact I simply will not have it, Lulu. You expect, I take it, to make
your home with us in the future on the old terms.
LULU
Well----
DWIGHT
I mean did Ninian give you any money?
LULU
No. He didn’t give me any money--only enough to get home on. And I kept
my suit and the other dress--why! I wouldn’t have taken any money.
DWIGHT
That means that you will have to continue to live here on the old terms
and of course I’m quite willing that you should. Let me tell you,
however, that this is on condition--on condition that this
disgraceful business is kept to ourselves.
INA
Truly, Lulu, wouldn’t that be best? They’ll talk anyway. But this way
they’ll only talk about you and the other way it’ll be about all of
us.
LULU
But the other way would be the truth.
DWIGHT
My dear Lulu, are you sure of that?
LULU
Sure?
DWIGHT
Yes. Did he give you any proofs?
LULU
Proofs?
DWIGHT
Letters--documents of any sort? Any sort of assurance that he was
speaking the truth?
LULU
Why--no. Proofs--no. He told me.
DWIGHT
He told you!
LULU
That was hard enough to have to do. It was terrible for him to have to
do. What proofs----
DWIGHT
I may as well tell you that I myself have no idea that Ninian told you
the truth. He was always imagining things, inventing things--you
must have seen that. I know him pretty well--have been in touch with
him more or less the whole time. In short I haven’t the least idea
he was ever married before.
LULU
I never thought of that.
DWIGHT
Look here--hadn’t you and he had some little tiff when he told you?
LULU
No--no! Not once. He was very good to me. This dress--and my shoes--and
my hat. And another dress, too.
[_She takes off her hat._]
He liked the red wing--I wanted black--oh, Dwight! He did tell me the
truth!
DWIGHT
As long as there’s any doubt about it--and I feel the gravest doubts--I
desire that you should keep silent and protect my family from this
scandal. I have taken you into my confidence about these doubts for
your own profit.
LULU
My own profit!
[_Moves toward the door._]
INA
Lulu--you see! We just couldn’t have this known about Dwight’s own
brother, could we now?
DWIGHT
You have it in your own hands to repay me, Lulu, for anything that you
feel I may have done for you in the past. You also have it in your
hands to decide whether your home here continues. This is not a
pleasant position for me to find myself in. In fact it is distinctly
unpleasant I may say. But you see for yourself.
[_LULU goes into the house._]
MRS. BETT
Wasn’t she married when she thought she was?
INA
Mama, do please remember Monona. Yes--Dwight thinks now she’s married
all right and that it was all right, all the time.
MRS. BETT
Well, I hope so, for pity sakes.
MONONA’S VOICE
[_From upstairs._]
Mama! Come on and hear me say my prayers, why don’t you?
DARKNESS
------------------------------------------------------------------------