SCENE--_A Barrack-Room_. PRESENT--_President and Members of a
Board of Examiners, sitting to pass Candidates for Commissions
in the Line._
_President_. Now, Gentlemen, I think we are agreed that cramming is to
be discouraged. We want an officer who can command a company, and not
a scholar who can floor a paper for high-class honours--that is the
general idea, Gentlemen, isn't it?
_Chorus of Members_. Quite so.
_Pres._ Exactly. Orderly, pass the word that we will see Mr. MUGGER.
(_The word is passed, when enter First Candidate._) Glad to see you,
Sir. Pray sit down. I think you were at school?
_First Candidate_ (_nervously_). Yes, Sir, at Eton.
_Pres._ Humph! (_Aside, to his Colleagues._) Rather an unpromising
commencement. However, he may have devoted more of his time to cricket
or football in the Playing Fields than to anything else. (_Aloud._) I
hope you have not been to the University?
_First Can._ (_almost moved to tears_). Alas, Gentlemen, my father
_would_ send me to Christchurch, and I am sorry to say I took a Double
First!
_Pres._ (_courteous, but sad_). I am afraid that will do. (_Exit First
Candidate, striving in vain to suppress a burst of unmanly emotion._)
I am deeply grieved, Gentlemen, but I fear that we can do nothing
further in this matter?
_Chorus of Members_. Utterly impossible!
_Pres._ Exactly. Orderly, call Mr. SHIRKWORKS. (_Second Candidate
enters._) Glad to see you, Sir. Pray sit down. I think you were at
school?
_Second Can._ (_with confidence_). Never, Sir, and allow me to add
that I can scarcely read, don't know how to spell, and have a firm
impression that two and two make either three or five--I forget which.
_Pres._ (_beaming_). Excellent! (_After a brief consultation with his
colleagues._) Mr. SHIRKWORKS, I have much pleasure in informing you
that we shall be glad to recommend you for a Commission. (_Curtain._)
* * * * *
[Illustration: A RARE CHANCE.
_Mr. Snobbin hiring a Hack to ride down to the Derby._
_Horse-Owner_. "I'LL CHARGE YOU THIRTY BOB FOR THE DAY, GUV'NOR;
OR--LOOK HERE!--GIMME TWO POUND, AND YOU MAY KEEP HIM!"]
* * * * *