_DISAPPOINTMENT_.
It was not till the little family were seated at the dinner-table, that
Pitt alluded to the object of his morning ramble.
'I went to see Colonel Gainsborough this morning,' he began; 'and to my
astonishment found the house shut up. What has become of him?'
'Gone away,' said his father shortly.
'Yes, that is plain; but where is he gone to?'
'New York.'
'New York! What took him away?'
'I believe a desire to put his daughter at school. A very sensible
desire.'
'To New York!' Pitt repeated. 'Why did you never mention it, mamma?'
'It never occurred to me to mention it. I did not suppose that the
matter was of any great interest to you.'
Mrs. Dallas had said just a word too much. Her last sentence set Pitt
to thinking.
'How long have they been gone?' he asked, after a short pause.
'Not long,' said Mr. Dallas carelessly. 'A few months, I believe.'
'A man told me you had bought the place?'
'Yes; it suited me to have it. The land is good, what there is of it.'
'But the house stands empty. What will you do with it?'
'Let it--as soon as anybody wants it.'
'Not much prospect of that, is there?'
'Not just now,' Mr. Dallas said drily.
There was a little pause again, and then Pitt asked,--
'Have you Colonel Gainsborough's address, sir?'
'No.'
'I suppose they have it at the post office.'
'They have not. Colonel Gainsborough was to have sent me his address,
when he knew himself what it would be, but he has never done so.'
'Is he living in the city, or out of it.'
'I have explained to you why I am unable to answer that question.'
'Why do you want to know, Pitt?' his mother imprudently asked.
'Because I have got to look them up, mother; and knowing whereabouts
they are would be rather a help, you see.'
'You have not got to look them up!' said his father gruffly. 'What
business is it of yours? If they were here, it would be all very well
for you to pay your respects to the colonel; it would be due; but as it
is, there is no obligation.'
'No obligation of civility. There is another, however.'
'What, then?'
'Of friendship, sir.'
'Nonsense. Friendship ought to keep you at home. There is no friendship
like that of a man's father and mother. Do you know what a piece of
time it would take for you to go to New York to look up a man who lives
you do not know where?--what a piece of your vacation?'
'More than I like to think of,' said Pitt; 'but it will have to be
done.'
'It will take you two days to get there, and two more days to get back,
merely for the journey; and how many do you want to spend in New York?'
'Must have two or three, at least. It will swallow up a week.'
'Out of your little vacation!' said his mother reproachfully. She was
angry and hurt, as near tears as she often came; but Mrs. Dallas was
not wont to show her discomfiture in that way.
'Yes, mother; I am very sorry.'
'Why do you care about seeing them?--care so much, I mean,' his father
inquired, with a keen side-glance at his son.
'I have made a promise, sir. I am bound to keep it.'
'What promise?' both parents demanded at once.
'To look after the daughter, in case of the father's death.'
'But he is not dead. He is well enough; as likely to live as I am.'
'How can I be sure of that? You have not heard from him for months, you
say.'
'I should have heard, if anything had happened to him.'
'That is not certain, either,' said Pitt, thinking that Esther's
applying to his father and mother in case of distress was more than
doubtful.
'How can you look after the daughter in the event of her father's
death? _You_ are not the person to do it,' said his mother.
'I am the person who have promised to do it,' said Pitt quietly. 'Never
mind, mother; you see I must go, and the sooner the better. I will take
the stage to-morrow morning.'
'You might wait and try first what a letter might do,' suggested his
father.
'Yes, sir; but you remember Colonel Gainsborough had very little to do
with the post office. He never received letters, and he had ceased
taking the London _Times_. My letter might lie weeks unclaimed. I must
go myself.'
And he went, and stayed a week away. It was a busy week; at least the
days in the city were busily filled. Pitt inquired at the post office;
but, as he more than half expected, nobody knew anything of Colonel
Gainsborough's address. One official had an impression he had heard the
name; that was all. Pitt beleaguered the post office, that is, he sat
down before it, figuratively, for really he sat down in it, and let
nobody go out or come in without his knowledge. It availed nothing.
Either Christopher did not at all make his appearance at the post
office during those days, or he came at some moment when Pitt was gone
to get a bit of luncheon; if he came, a stupid clerk did not heed him,
or a busy clerk overlooked him; all that is certain is, that Pitt saw
and heard nothing which led to the object of his quest. He made
inquiries elsewhere, wherever he could think it might be useful; but
the end was, he heard nothing. He stayed three days; he could stay no
longer, for his holiday was very exactly and narrowly measured out, and
he felt it not right to take any more of it from his father and mother.
The rest of the time they had him wholly to themselves, for Miss Frere
was hindered by some domestic event from keeping her promise to Mrs.
Dallas. She did not come. Pitt was glad of it; and, seeing they were
now free from the danger of Esther, his father and mother were glad of
it too. The days were untroubled by either fear or anxiety, while their
son made the sunshine of the house for them; and when he went away he
left them without a wish concerning him, but that they were going too.
For it was to be another two years before he would come again.
The record of those same summer months in the house on the bank of the
Hudson was somewhat different. Esther had her vacation too, which gave
her opportunity to finish everything in the arrangements at home for
which time had hitherto been lacking. The girl went softly round the
house, putting a touch of grace and prettiness upon every room. It
excited Mrs. Barker's honest admiration. Here it was a curtain; there
it was a set of toilet furniture; in another place a fresh chintz
cover; in a fourth, a rug that matched the carpet and hid an ugly darn
in it. Esther made all these things and did all these things herself;
they cost her father nothing, or next to nothing, and they did not even
ask for Mrs. Barker's time, and they were little things, but the effect
of them was not so. They gave the house that finished, comfortable,
home-like air, which nothing does give but the graceful touch of a
woman's fingers. Mrs. Barker admired; the colonel did not see what was
done; but Esther did not work for admiration. She was satisfying the
demand of her own nature, which in all things she had to do with called
for finish, fitness, and grace; her fingers were charmed fingers,
because the soul that governed them had itself such a charm, and worked
by its own standard, as a honey bee makes her cell. Indeed, the simile
of the honey bee would fit in more points than one; for the cell of the
little winged worker is not fuller of sweetness than the girl made all
her own particular domicile. If the whole truth must be told, however,
there was another thought stirring in her, as she hung her curtains and
laid her rugs; a half recognised thought, which gave a zest to every
additional touch of comfort or prettiness which she bestowed on the
house. She thought Pitt would be there, and she wanted the impression
made upon him to be the pleasantest possible. He would surely be there;
he was coming home; he would never let the vacation go by without
trying to find his old friends. It was a constant spring of pleasure to
Esther, that secret hope. She said nothing about it; her father, she
knew, did not care so much for Pitt Dallas as she did; but privately
she counted the days and measured the time, and went into countless
calculations for which she possessed no sufficient data. She knew that,
yet she could not help calculating. The whole summer was sweetened and
enlivened by these calculations, although indeed they were a little
like some of those sweets which bite the tongue.
But the summer went by, as we know, and nothing was seen of the
expected visitor. September came, and Esther almost counted the hours,
waking up in the morning with a beat of the heart, thinking, to-day he
may come! and lying down at night with a despairing sense that the time
was slipping away, and her only consolation that there was some yet
left. She said nothing about it; she watched the days of the vacation
all out, and went to school again towards the end of the month with a
heart very disappointed, and troubled besides by that feeling of
unknown and therefore unreachable hindrances, which is so tormenting.
Something the matter, and you do not know what and therefore you cannot
act to mend matters. Esther was sadly disappointed. Three years now,
and she had grown and he had changed,--must have changed,--and if the
old friendship were at all to be preserved, the friends ought to see
each other before the gap grew too wide, and before too many things
rushed in to fill it which might work separation and not union.
Esther's feelings were of the most innocent and childlike, but very
warm. Pitt had been very good to her; he had been like an elder
brother, and in that light she remembered him and wished for him. The
fact that she was a child no longer did not change all this. Esther had
lived alone with her father, and kept her simplicity.
Going to school might have damaged the simplicity, but somehow it did
not. Several reasons prevented. For one thing, she made no intimate
friends. She was kind to everybody, nobody was taken into her
confidence. Her nature was apart from theirs; one of those rare and few
whose fate it is for the most part to stand alone in the world; too
fine for the coarseness, too delicate for the rudeness, too noble for
the pettiness of those around them, even though they be not more coarse
or rude or small-minded than the generality of mankind. Sympathy is
broken, and full communion impossible. It is the penalty of eminence to
put its possessor apart. I have seen a lily stand so in a bed of other
flowers; a perfect specimen; in form and colouring and grace of
carriage distinguished by a faultless beauty; carrying its elegant head
a little bent, modest, but yet lofty above all the rest of the flower
bed. Not with the loftiness of inches, however, for it was of lower
stature than many around it; the elevation of which I speak was moral
and spiritual. And so it was alone. The rest of the flowers were more
or less fellows; this one in its apart elegance owned no social
communion with them. Esther was a little like that among her school
friends; and though invariably gracious and pleasant in her manners,
she was instinctively felt to be different from the rest. Only Esther
was a white lily; the one I tried to describe, or did not try to
describe, was a red one.
Besides this element of separateness, Esther was very much absorbed in
her work. Not seeking, like most of the others, to pass a good
examination, but studying in the love of learning, and with a far-off
ideal of attainment in her mind with which she hoped one day to meet
Pitt, and satisfy if not equal him. I think she hardly knew this motive
at work; however, it _was_ at work, and a powerful motive too.
And lastly, Esther was a 'favourite.' No help for it; she was certainly
a favourite, the girls pronounced, and some of them had the candour to
add that they did not see how she could help it, or how Miss Fairbairn
could help it either.
'Girls, she has every right to be a favourite,' one of them set forth.
'Nobody has a right to be a favourite!' was the counter cry.
'But think, she never does anything wrong.'
'Stupid!'
'Well, she never breaks rules, does she?'
'No.'
'And she always has her lessons perfect as perfect can be.'
'So do some other people.'
'And her drawings are capital.'
'That's her nature; she has a talent for drawing; she cannot help it.
She just _cannot help_ it, Sarah Simpson. That's no credit.'
'Then she is the best Bible scholar in the house, except Miss Fairbairn
herself.'
'Ah! There you've got it. That's just it. She is one of Miss
Fairbairn's kind. But everybody can't be like that!' cried the
objector. 'I, for instance. I don't care so much for the Bible, you
see; and _you_ don't if you'll tell the truth; and most of us don't.
It's an awful bore, that's what it is, all this eternal Bible work! and
I don't think it's fair. It isn't what _I_ came here for, I know. My
father didn't think he was sending me to a Sunday school.'
'Miss Fairbairn takes care you should learn something else besides
Bible, Belle Linders, to do her justice.'
'Well, she's like all the rest, she has favourites, and Esther
Gainsborough is one of 'em, and there ought to be no favourites. I tell
you, she puts me out, that's what she does. If I am sent out of the
room on an errand, I am sure to hit my foot against something, just
because _she_ never stumbles; and the door falls out of my hand and
makes a noise, just because I am thinking how it behaves for her. She
just puts me out, I give you my word. It confuses me in my recitations,
to know that _she_ has the answer ready, if I miss; and as for drawing,
it's no use to try, because she will be sure to do it better. There
ought to be no such thing as favourites!'
There was some laughter at this harangue, but no contradiction of its
statements. Perhaps Esther was more highly gifted than any of her
fellows; beyond question she worked harder. She had motives that
wrought upon none of them; the idea of equalling or at least of
satisfying Pitt, and the feeling that her father was sacrificing a
great deal for her sake, and that she must do her very utmost by way of
honouring and rewarding his kindness. Besides still another and loftier
feeling, that she was the Lord's servant, and that less than the very
best she could do was not service good enough for him.
'Papa,' she said one evening in October, 'don't you think Pitt must
have come and gone before now?'
'William Dallas? If he has come, he is gone, certainly.'
'Papa, do you think he _can_ have come?'
'Why not?'
'Because he has not been to see us.'
'My dear, that is nothing; there is no special reason why he should
come to see us.'
'Oh, papa!' cried Esther, dismayed.
'My dear, you have put too much water in my tea; I wish you would think
what you are about.'
Now Esther _had_ thought what she was about, and the tea was as nearly
as possible just as usual.
'Shall I mend it, papa?'
'You cannot mend it. Tea must be made right at first, if it is ever to
be right. And if it is _not_ right, it is not fit to be drunk.'
'I am very sorry, papa. I will try and have it perfect next time.'
It was plain her father did not share her anxiety about Pitt; he cared
nothing about the matter, whether he came or no. He did not think of
it. And Esther had been thinking of it every day for months, and many
times a day. She was hurt, and it made her feel alone. Esther had that
feeling rather often, for a girl of her age and sound health in every
respect, bodily and mental. The feeling was quite in accordance with
the facts of the case; only many girls at seventeen would not have
found it out. She was in school and in the midst of numbers for five
and a half days in the week; yet even there, as has been explained, she
was in a degree solitary; and both in school and at home Esther knew
the fact. At home the loneliness was intensified. Colonel Gainsborough
was always busy with his books; even at meal times he hardly came out
of them; and never, either at Seaforth or here, had he made himself the
companion of his daughter. He desired to know how she stood in her
school, and kept himself informed of what she was doing; what she might
be _feeling_ he never inquired. It was all right, he thought;
everything was going right, except that he was such an invalid and so
left to himself. If asked by _whom_ he was left to himself, he would
have said, by his family and his country and the world generally. His
family and his country might probably have charged that the neglect was
mutual, and the world at large could hardly be blamed for not taking up
the old soldier whom it did not know, and making much of him. The care
which was failing from all three he got from his daughter in full
measure, but she got little from him. It was not strange that her
thoughts went fondly to Pitt, who _had_ taken care of her and helped
her and been good to her. Was it all over? and no more such kindly
ministry and delightful sympathy to be ever hoped for any more? Had
Pitt forgotten her? It gave Esther pain, that nobody guessed, to be
obliged to moot this question; and it busied her a good deal. Sometimes
her thoughts went longingly back beyond Pitt Dallas to another face
that had always been loving to her; soft eyes and a tender hand that
were ever sure to bring sympathy and help. She could not much bear to
think of it. _That_ was all gone, and could not be called back again;
was her one other earthly friend gone too? Pitt had been so good to
her! and such a delightful teacher and helper and confidant. She
thought it strange that her father did not miss him; but after the one
great loss of his life, Colonel Gainsborough missed nobody any more.