(_Revised to date by Mr. Punch._)
_Question._ What is an Infant?
_Answer._ A guileless child who has not yet reached twenty-one years
of age.
_Q._ What is a year?
_A._ An unknown quantity to a lady after forty. And this reply is
distinctly smart.
_Q._ What is "smartness"?
_A._ The art of appearing to belong to a good set.
_Q._ What is a good set?--_A._ A clique that prefers modes to
morality, _chic_ to comfort, and frivolity to family ties.
_Q._ What is _chic_?--_A._ An indefinable something, implying "go,"
"fast and loose style," "slap-dash."
_Q._ What is a dinner-party?
_A._ A large subject, that cannot be disposed of in a paragraph.
_Q._ What is a subject?--_A._ Something distinct from Royalty.
_Q._ Can one be distinct after dinner?--_A._ Yes,--with difficulty.
_Q._ What is a difficulty?
_A._ When of a pecuniary character--the time following the using up of
the pecuniary resources of your friends.
_Q._ What is a friend?
_A._ A man who dines with you--a past enemy or a future foe.
_Q._ What is bad champagne?--_A._ A fruity effervescing beverage
costing about thirty shillings the dozen.
_Q._ What is good?--_A._ Cannot reply until I have received samples.
_Q._ How can an inexperienced diner discover that he has taken bad
champagne?
_A._ By the condition of his head on the following morning.
_Q._ What is a head?--_A._ A necessary alternative to money.
_Q._ What is money?
_A._ The only satisfactory representative of credit.
_Q._ What are representatives?
_A._ The mouthpieces of voters mustered in the House of Commons.
_Q._ What is mustard?
_A._ The chief ingredient of breakfast, after a night of it with your
friends, when your appetite requires coaxing.
_Q._ What is the future?--_A._ To-morrow, and the coming centuries.
_Q._ And the past?--_A._ Two minutes ago, and all that went before.
_Q._ And the present?--_A._ The right time for bringing the current
instalment of the Infant's Guide to a prompt conclusion.
* * * * *
"ENCORE, ALADDIN!"
[Illustration: Notes for the _Storey_ of _Aladdin_, supplied
by M. Jacobi.]
[Illustration: Marie-Aladdin and the Electric Light Pollini.]
ALADDIN at the Alhambra is a genuine "Ballet Extravaganza," the story
being told in pantomimic action, illustrated by M. JACOBI'S
sympathetic music. _Aladdin_ was an excellent subject for Mr. JOHN
HOLLINGSHEAD to take, though I venture to think that our old friend
_Blue Beard_ would be a still better one. The only fault I find with
_Aladdin_ is that it is too soon over. It certainly will take rank
among the most superb and the most dramatic spectacles ever placed on
the Alhambra stage. _Aladdin_ ought to have been made much more of, as
a sort of _L'Enfant Prodigue._ What a chance there would have been for
him in games with the street-boys! Mlle. LEGNANI--so called, of
course, from the graceful facility with which she remains for several
seconds at a time on one leg--is both a pretty and nimble
representative of the Dancing Princess. The _Slave of the Ring_ does
not appear in this story, as far as I could gather, only the _Spirit
of the Lamp_, Signorina POLLINI, puts in an appearance, and a very
splendid appearance it is too! Mr. JOHN HOLLINGSHEAD is to be
congratulated on having struck out a new line--though how he or the
LORD CHAMBERLAIN could "_strike out a new line_" where there is no
dialogue, will ever remain a mystery, even to M. JACOBI who knows most
things well, and music better than anything. Mlle. MARIE is a
sprightly _Aladdin_, her pantomimic action being remarkably good. How
many _Aladdins_ have I seen! Whatever may become of other fairy
tales--though all the best fairy tales are immortal--this of _Aladdin_
will serve the stage for ever. At least, so thinks PRIVATE BOX.
* * * * *
[Illustration: CHEAP LAW IN THE CITY.
_Probable Development of the new "London Chamber of
Arbitration," for the economical Settlement of Disputes
without recourse to Litigation._]
* * * * *
BASQUEING IN A NEW LANGUAGE.--Much interest has been excited by the
report that Mr. GLADSTONE, during his stay at Biarritz, used up his
spare moments by studying the Basque tongue. AUTOLYCUS hears that,
contrary to his usual habit, the Right Hon. Gentleman has in this
matter an ulterior purpose. Occasionally, in the heat of debate in the
House of Commons, Mr. ABRAHAM drops into his native tongue, and
addresses the SPEAKER in Welsh. Mr. GLADSTONE, desiring to add a fresh
interest to Parliamentary proceedings, will, in such circumstances,
immediately follow the Hon. Member for the Rhondda Vally, and continue
the debate in Basque.
* * * * *
EVIDENT, "WHEN YOU COME TO THINK OF IT."--At what most patriotic
moment of a most patriotic French exile must his feelings be most
bitter?--When his love turns to Gaul.
* * * * *
"TO BE CONTINUED."
[Illustration: A Tale Continued in our Next.]
How eagerly those tales I read
While still of tender years,
Of murder strange, of Haunted Grange,
And gory Buccaneers!
But, at the most exciting point,
Abruptly ceased the text,--
What rage was mine to meet the line,
_"Continued in our next"!_
Sometimes, indeed, misfortune sharp
The Journal would attend--
The funds would fail, and so the tale
Remains without an end.
Now, when I take a serial up,
I cry, in accents vexed,--
"I've read enough--why _is_ the stuff
_'Continued in our next'?"_
Ah well, the things we valued once
Enliven us no more!
(Remarks like these, if morals please,
I've furnished by the score.)
And should these verses but result
In making you perplexed,
You'll learn with glee _they_ will not be
_"Continued in our next"!_
* * * * *
"Oh, these Christmas Bills!" cried PATERFAMILIAS. "That's what I do,"
rejoined IMPEY QUNIOUS. "My sentiments and practice precisely--'Owe
these Christmas Bills'--and many others."
* * * * *