To judge by the Spa Conference it looks as if we might be going to have
a peace to end peace.
***
It will soon be necessary for the Government to arrange an old-age
pension scheme for Peace Conference delegates.
***
It is difficult to know whom or what to blame for the exceptionally wet
weather we have been having, says an evening paper. Pending a denial
from Mr. Lloyd George, _The Times_ has its own opinion as to
who is at the bottom of it.
***
Mr. Stanton pointed out in the House of Commons that, unless
increased salaries are given to Members, there will be a strike. Fears
are entertained, however, that a settlement will be reached.
***
"The Derry shirt-cutters," says a news item, "have decided to continue
to strike." The Derry throat-cutters, on the other hand, have postponed
striking to a more favourable opportunity.
***
The way to bring down the price of home-killed meat, the Ministry of
Food announces officially, is for the public not to buy it. You can't
have your cheap food and eat it.
***
Harborough Rocks, one of the few Druid Circles in the kingdom, has been
sold. Heading-for-the-Rocks, the famous Druid Circle at Westminster, has
also been sold on several occasions by the Chief Wizard.
***
A gossip writer states that he saw a man carrying two artificial legs
while travelling in a Tube train. There is nothing like being prepared
for all emergencies while travelling.
***
"The ex-Kaiser," says an American journal, "makes his own clothes to
pass the time away." This is better than his old hobby of making wars to
pass other people's time away.
***
"Danger of infection from Treasury notes," says _The Weekly Dispatch_,
"has been exaggerated." Whenever we see a germ on one of our notes we
pat it on the back and tell it to lie down.
***
A West Riding paper states that a postman picked up a pound Treasury
note last week. It is said that he intends to have it valued by an
expert.
***
An engineer suggests that all roads might be made of rubber. For
pedestrians who are knocked down by motor-cars the resilience of this
material would be a great boon.
***
According to _The Evening News_ a bishop was seen the other day passing
the House of Commons smoking a briar pipe. We can only suppose that he
did not recognise the House of Commons.
***
"We can find work for everybody and everything," says a Chicago journal.
But what about corkscrews?
***
How strong is the force of habit was illustrated at Liverpool Docks the
other day when two Americans, on reaching our shores, immediately
fainted, and only recovered when it was explained that spirits were not
sold here solely for medical purposes.
***
"Watches are often affected by electrical storms such as we have
experienced of late," states a science journal. Only yesterday we heard
of a plumber and his mate who arrived at a job simultaneously.
***
We sympathise with the unfortunate housewife who cannot obtain a servant
because her reference is considered unsatisfactory. It appears she was
only six weeks with her last maid.
***
A pedestrian knocked down by a taxi in Oxford Street last Tuesday
managed to regain his feet only to be again bowled over by a motor-bus.
Luckily, however, noticing a third vehicle standing by to complete the
job, the unfortunate fellow had the presence of mind to remain on the
ground.
***
According to a local paper cat-skins are worth about 5½_d._ each. Of
course it must be plainly understood that the accuracy of this estimate
is not admitted by the cats themselves.
***
"Too much room is taken up by motor-vehicles when turning corners,"
declares a weekly journal. This is a most unfair charge against those
self-respecting motorists who negotiate all corners on the two inside
wheels only.
***
An American named J. Thomas Looney has written a book to prove that
Shakspeare was really the Earl of Oxford. We cannot help thinking that
Shakspeare, who went out of his way to prove that _Ophelia_ was one of
the original Looneys, has brought this on himself.
***
Fashionable Parisians, says a correspondent, have decided that the
correct thing this year is to be invited to Scotland for July. It may be
correct, but it won't be an easy matter if we know our Scotland.
***
American women-bathers with an inclination to embonpoint, it is stated,
have taken to painting dimples on their knees. The report that a
fashionable New Yorker who does not care for the water has created the
necessary illusion by having a lobster painted on her toe is probably
premature.
***
A Bridgewater, Somerset, man of eighty (or octogeranium) has cancelled
his wedding on the morning of the ceremony. A few more exhibitions of
that kind and he will end up by being a bachelor.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _First Indian Chief_ (_of travelling show_). "Brother
Bellowing-Papoose, which is the way back to the circus?"
_Second Ditto._ "I know not. Let us ask this paleface."]
* * * * *
There was a young lady of Beccles
Whose face was infested with freckles,
But nobody saw
Any facial flaw,
For she had an abundance of shekels.
* * * * *