MY FATHER'S FIRST LOVE.
"I lost my mother early; my father, (a good man, but who was so
indolent that he rarely stirred from his chair, and who often passed
whole days without speaking, like an Indian dervish,) left Roland and
myself to educate ourselves much according to our own tastes. Roland
shot, and hunted, and fished,--read all the poetry and books of
chivalry to be found in my father's collection, which was rich in such
matters, and made a great many copies of the old pedigree;--the only
thing in which my father ever evinced much of the vital principle.
Early in life I conceived a passion for graver studies, and by good
luck I found a tutor in Mr Tibbets, who, but for his modesty, Kitty,
would have rivalled Porson. He was a second Budaeus for industry, and,
by the way, he said exactly the same thing that Budaeus did, viz. 'that
the only lost day in his life was that in which he was married; for on
that day he had only had six hours for reading!' Under such a master I
could not fail to be a scholar. I came from the university with such
distinction as led me to look sanguinely on my career in the world.
"I returned to my father's quiet rectory to pause and look about me,
and consider what path I should take to fame. The rectory was just at
the foot of the hill, on the brow of which were the ruins of the
castle Roland has since purchased. And though I did not feel for the
ruins the same romantic veneration as my dear brother, (for my
day-dreams were more coloured by classic than feudal recollections,) I
yet loved to climb the hill, book in hand, and build my castles in
the air amidst the wrecks of that which time had shattered on the
earth.
"One day, entering the old weed-grown court, I saw a lady, seated on
my favourite spot, sketching the ruins. The lady was young--more
beautiful than any woman I had yet seen, at least to my eyes. In a
word, I was fascinated, and, as the trite phrase goes, 'spell-bound.'
I seated myself at a little distance, and contemplated her without
desiring to speak. By-and-by, from another part of the ruins, which
were then uninhabited, came a tall, imposing, elderly gentleman, with
a benignant aspect; and a little dog. The dog ran up to me, barking.
This drew the attention of both lady and gentleman to me. The
gentleman approached, called off the dog, and apologised with much
politeness. Surveying me somewhat curiously, he then began to ask
questions about the old place and the family it had belonged to, with
the name and antecedents of which he was well acquainted. By degrees
it came out that I was the descendant of that family, and the younger
son of the humble rector who was now its representative. The gentleman
then introduced himself to me as the Earl of Rainsforth, the principal
proprietor in the neighbourhood, but who had so rarely visited the
county during my childhood and earlier youth, that I had never before
seen him. His only son, however, a young man of great promise, had
been at the same college with me in my first year at the university.
The young lord was a reading man and a scholar; and we had become
slightly acquainted when he left for his travels.
"Now, on hearing my name, Lord Rainsforth took my hand cordially, and
leading me to his daughter, said, 'Think, Ellinor, how fortunate; this
is the Mr Caxton whom your brother so often spoke of.'
"In short, my dear Pisistratus, the ice was broken, the acquaintance
made, and Lord Rainsforth, saying he was come to atone for his long
absence from the county, and to reside at Compton the greater part of
the year, pressed me to visit him. I did so. Lord Rainsforth's liking
to me increased: I went there often."
My father paused, and seeing my mother had fixed her eyes upon him
with a sort of mournful earnestness, and had pressed her hands very
tightly together, he bent down and kissed her forehead.
"There is no cause, my child!" said he. It is the only time I ever
heard him call my mother by that paternal name. But then, I never
heard him before so grave and solemn--not a quotation, too--it was
incredible: it was not my father speaking--it was another man. "Yes, I
went there often. Lord Rainsforth was a remarkable person. Shyness,
that was wholly without pride, (which is rare,) and a love for quiet
literary pursuits, had prevented his taking that personal part in
public life for which he was richly qualified; but his reputation for
sense and honour, and his personal popularity, had given him no
inconsiderable influence even, I believe, in the formation of
cabinets, and he had once been prevailed upon to fill a high
diplomatic situation abroad, in which I have no doubt that he was as
miserable as a good man can be under any infliction. He was now
pleased to retire from the world, and look at it through the loopholes
of retreat. Lord Rainsforth had a great respect for talent, and a warm
interest in such of the young as seemed to him to possess it. By
talent, indeed, his family had risen, and were strikingly
characterised. His ancestor, the first peer, had been a distinguished
lawyer; his father had been celebrated for scientific attainments; his
children, Ellinor and Lord Pendarvis, were highly accomplished. Thus,
the family identified themselves with the aristocracy of intellect,
and seemed unconscious of their claims to the lower aristocracy of
rank. You must bear this in mind throughout my story.
"Lady Ellinor shared her father's tastes and habits of thought--(she
was not then an heiress.) Lord Rainsforth talked to me of my career.
It was a time when the French Revolution had made statesmen look round
with some anxiety to strengthen the existing order of things, by
alliance with all in the rising generation who evinced such ability as
might influence their contemporaries.
"University distinction is, or was formerly, among the popular
passports to public life. By degrees Lord Rainsforth liked me so well,
as to suggest to me a seat in the House of Commons. A member of
Parliament might rise to any thing, and Lord Rainsforth had sufficient
influence to effect my return. Dazzling prospect this to a young
scholar fresh from Thucydides, and with Demosthenes fresh at his
tongue's end. My dear boy, I was not then, you see, quite what I am
now; in a word, I loved Ellinor Compton, and therefore I was
ambitious. You know how ambitious she is still. But I could not mould
my ambition to hers. I could not contemplate entering the senate of my
country as a dependant on a party or a patron--as a man who must make
his fortune there--as a man who, in every vote, must consider how much
nearer he advanced himself to emolument. I was not even certain that
Lord Rainsforth's views on politics were the same as mine would be.
How could the politics of an experienced man of the world be those of
an ardent young student? But had they been identical, I felt that I
could not so creep into equality with a patron's daughter. No! I was
ready to abandon my own more scholastic predilections--to strain every
energy at the bar--to carve, or force my own way to fortune--and, if I
arrived at independence, then--what then? why, the right to speak of
love, and aim at power. This was not the view of Ellinor Compton. The
law seemed to her a tedious, needless drudgery: there was nothing in
it to captivate her imagination. She listened to me with that charm
which she yet retains, and by which she seems to identify herself with
those who speak to her. She would turn to me with a pleading look when
her father dilated on the brilliant prospects of a parliamentary
success; for he (not having gained it, yet having lived with those who
had,) overvalued it, and seemed ever to wish to enjoy it through some
other. But when I, in turn, spoke of independence, of the bar,
Ellinor's face grew overcast. The world--the world was with her, and
the ambition of the world, which is always for power or effect! A part
of the house lay exposed to the east wind, 'Plant half way down the
hill,' said I one day. 'Plant?' cried Lady Emily--'it will be twenty
years before the trees grow up. No, my dear father, build a wall, and
cover it with creepers!' That was an illustration of her whole
character. She could not wait till trees had time to grow up; a dead
wall would be so much more quickly thrown up, and parasite creepers
would give it a prettier effect. Nevertheless, she was a grand and
noble creature. And I--in love! Not so discouraged as you may suppose;
for Lord Rainsforth often hinted encouragement, which even I could
scarcely misconstrue. Not caring for rank, and not wishing for fortune
beyond competence for his daughter, he saw in me all he required,--a
gentleman of ancient birth, and one in whom his own active mind could
prosecute that kind of mental ambition which overflowed in him, and
yet had never had its vent. And Ellinor!--heaven forbid I should say
she loved me,--but something made me think she could do so. Under
these notions, suppressing all my hopes, I made a bold effort to
master the influences round me, and to adopt that career I thought
worthiest of us all. I went to London to read for the bar."
"The bar! is it possible?" cried I. My father smiled sadly.
"Every thing seemed possible to me then. I read some months. I began
to see my way even in that short time; began to comprehend what would
be the difficulties before me, and to feel there was that within me
which could master them. I took a holiday and returned to Cumberland.
I found Roland there on my return. Always of a roving adventurous
temper, though he had not then entered the army, he had, for more than
two years, been wandering over the Continent on foot. It was a young
knight-errant whom I embraced, and who overwhelmed me with reproaches
that I should be reading for the law. There had never been a lawyer in
the family! It was about that time, I think, that I petrified him with
the discovery of the printer! I knew not exactly wherefore, whether
from jealousy, fear, foreboding--but it certainly _was_ a pain that
seized me--when I learned from Roland that he had become intimate at
Compton Hall. Roland and Lord Rainsforth had met at the house of a
neighbouring gentleman, and Lord Rainsforth had welcomed his
acquaintance, at first perhaps for my sake, afterwards for his own.
"I could not for the life of me," continued my father, "ask Roland if
he admired Ellinor; but, when I found that he did not put that
question to me, I trembled!
"We went to Compton together, speaking little by the way. We stayed
there some days."
My father here thrust his hand into his waistcoat--all men have their
little ways, which denote much; and when my father thrust his hand
into his waistcoat, it was always a sign of some mental effort--he was
going to prove, or to argue, to moralise, or to preach. Therefore,
though I was listening before with all my ears, I believe I had,
speaking magnetically and mesmerically, an extra pair of ears, a new
sense supplied to me, when my father put his hand into his waistcoat.