_Scene--Reverting to Act I._ DILL _and_ GLORIA _facing each other_.
(_They are surrounded by two diminutive trunks and bags and bundles
innumerable._)
DILL. Let us read the will again, dear.
GLORIA (_pompously_). "Regretting my anger and the annulment of his
marriage--to my second son, John Dillingham Kent, be he found to have
married any woman, good, bad or indifferent, the same wife or any
other--" (_with a toss of her head_)--You wouldn't have married any
other woman, Dill?
DILL. No, no, my love.
GLORIA. "To him I hereby bequeath my honorable title of baronet,
conferred upon me by the crown as a reward for my stand against the
nefarious practise of socialism, particularly that which has broken out
and appeared on the point of flourishing in ye good and ancient city of
Canterbury. Also to himself and wife, do they make known their identity
within one year's time, I hereby release my rights, vested or
otherwise, in all personal property, including three white-tailed
cows"--You may milk the cows, Dill.
DILL. Charmed, my love.
GLORIA. "Seventeen adults of the porcupine variety, commonly known as
pigs, but derived from the German bigge, or big."
DILL. You may ride the pigs, my lady.
GLORIA (_with a severe look at Dill who subsides_). "Forty-three geese,
seven singing birds, nine parrots and two hens."
DILL. The estate has all the enchantment of a zoo, my love.
GLORIA. "To my only other relation, the Rev. Peter Kent, who much to my
displeasure has taken upon himself that right of interpreting the
Lord's intentions on earth, I give nothing. He is an undutiful son, but
should he still possess one spark of parental affection, let him go
forth to America, that land of beautiful women, and by diligent search
for his own beloved brother, prove himself worthy of no title at all,
but the rank of a gentleman." (_Hands_ DILL _the will_.)
DILL. Am I a gentleman? (_Bows like a courtier._)
GLORIA. Yes, Dill.
DILL. Is he a gentleman?
GLORIA. No, Dill.
DILL (_decisively_). He shall have nothing.
GLORIA. No, Dill.
DILL. Nor the chickens, nor the cows, nor even one of the--what was
that derivation, my dear?
GLORIA. Of the pigs?
DILL. Yes, love.
GLORIA. Do not make fun of the Germans, Dill, I had an aunt born in
Germany and I fear she is living yet.
DILL. Can they neither live nor die in Germany, my sweet?
GLORIA. I think not, Dill.... But would you not even give him one
teeney-weeney pig? (DILL _stands in front of_ GLORIA, _seriously
debating this all-important matter_.)
DILL (_at length_). No, my love.
GLORIA. Not one, Dill? Think of the sorrow we have already caused him!
There are two misfortunes in life. One is to find one's relations
quite, quite dead. The other is, as one generally does, to find them
quite, quite, alive.
DILL (_moodily_). He said I was not a gentleman and shall get nothing.
GLORIA (_rising_). Ah, Dill, you would not be vindictive? I could never
believe my husband guilty of that. Moreover, I have a vast
superabundance of money myself.
DILL (_shocked and hurt_). Oh, my love! You might have told me, even if
you did not give me any.
GLORIA. It was necessary that you, of all people, should know nothing
of it. People would have thought you were marrying me for money.
DILL (_not wholly reconciled_). True, true.
GLORIA. I have something to tell you.
DILL. Concerning me?
GLORIA. No, it is a very sensitive subject. I don't think that either
of us has mentioned it since the day that we were born; and Jane has
aged so rapidly that it would seem absurd on the surface of things--but
she and I are twins.
DILL. One soon becomes reconciled to realities, my dear. (_Sighs and
looks at his jacket._)
GLORIA. It has taken me more than twenty years to become reconciled to
you, Dill. But now for a surprise. (_She goes R._, DILL _following
solemnly behind her. He is like a big St. Bernard dog following his
mistress._ GLORIA _tramps back_, DILL _again several paces in the
rear_.) See! Here it is! (_Opens a small bag of gold._) I was forty
yesterday. Now all this is mine.
DILL (_with a lump in his throat_). Yes, my love.
GLORIA. So you are not yet independent, Dill.
DILL (_swallowing his unhappiness_). No, my love.
GLORIA. It was left me by my father.
DILL. Ah, I see. And Jane?
GLORIA. No. (_Whispering._) I think my sister got nothing. I was always
my father's favorite daughter.
DILL (_discarding his jacket_). I am no longer a butler. No, I will
not. My brother may be a butler if you like.
GLORIA (_sharply_). Dill!
DILL (_forgetting his good resolutions_). Yes, my love.
GLORIA. We have lived here very happily, Dill.
DILL. And now I will build you a castle among the clouds. We will be
like the moon and the stars.
GLORIA. Aeroplaning is out of fashion, Dill.
DILL. As you would have it, my love.
GLORIA. For twenty years you have executed my orders.
DILL (_with revived ardor_). And now a hundred men shall do your
bidding! We will go to the extreme ends of the earth--
GLORIA. I do not approve of extremes of any kind, Dill. The most
important thing in life is that whatever a young man once starts he
should see to the end.
DILL. But I hold a title, my sweet.
GLORIA. No matter. You were not born with it.
DILL. I never heard of a titled butler. (_Shakes his head dubiously._)
My brother has not got a title.
GLORIA (_sharply_). Dill! Do you love me?
DILL. Ah, how could you doubt it?
GLORIA. I have never doubted it. I was only testing you. (_Hands him
bag._) All this is yours, Dill.
DILL. My love, my love. (_Kneels._)
GLORIA. On condition that you continue to serve me as faithfully as you
have in the past.
DILL (_clasping her hands_). Ah, my beloved one! Light of my life!
Blessed of women! (_His head sinks upon her lap. Enter_ KATHRYN _and_
JACK. _Each has an arm about the other's waist. Their eyes are glued on
each other's, and they proceed very, very slowly._)
JACK. My dear, you could hardly expect them both to belong to the same
class. That is never the way. One is always rich, the other poor. One
is always good, the other bad. Ask one of them and see! But if what I
tell you is not convincing, consider the words of Shakespeare,
England's great minor poet, who in a fit of melancholy once
exclaimed--"Some are born with parents, others acquire them. But most
of us just have the genus thrust upon us." (GLORIA _is unsuccessfully
endeavoring to extricate herself from her embarrassing position_.)
KATHRYN. Jack, you really should not speak that way of England's poet.
Your own father told me this morning that no man could hope to
understand Shakespeare until he was forty. And that then he wouldn't
understand him.
JACK. I don't doubt it. But you forget, Kathryn, that I never had a
father, and that hereafter my responsibilities are numbered. (_They
wheel slowly upon them._)
KATHRYN. Oh--father!
JACK. What an extraordinary posture, Dill! Are you aware of your
menial, Miss Gibbs? (_To_ KATHRYN.) He must think it's a circus. He's
trying to stand on his head.
KATHRYN (_looking away_). Perhaps he's praying.
JACK. Arise, sir, in the presence of your superiors! (DILL _gets up
very guiltily_.) And why these bags and bundles, pray? Is your man
about to start a millinery establishment, Miss Gibbs?
GLORIA (_almost in tears_). Mr. Hargrave! This gentleman is not my
servant. This gentleman is soon to be my husband!
JACK. It's the same thing.
KATHRYN (_shocked_). Oh! What would mother say! I don't think I can
ever allow you to become a butler after all, Jack.
JACK (_glibly_). Dill, are you a polygamist, or what? Define yourself!
(_To_ KATHRYN.) I have yet to hear of a menial Mormon.
KATHRYN. I am sure that mother will discharge him now.
GLORIA. Kathryn, I am your mother! If you referred to my sister, I can
only say that she is your mother by adoption, that I suffered your
adoption solely because my time was taken up with my husband and--
(_tearfully_) Oh, you have no maternal instinct whatever! I am sorry I
ever brought you into the world, you have saddened my life so
completely.
DILL (_comforting_. GLORIA _who is in hysteria_). There, there, my
own--
GLORIA. That you whom I have loved as my own child should object to
your father, should be ashamed of him who has waited upon your every
want--oh, it is terrible.
KATHRYN. Mother, you don't understand. I have always liked Dill, and
don't object to him at all. In fact, I think it would be rather nice to
keep him always with us, and always, always ... (DILL _turns pale_) as
a butler. (_To_ JACK.) Men are wont to become oppressive when granted
authority, and I feel sure that Dill could never succeed as well at
anything else.
JACK. You are always right, my dear, but see to it at once. Contracts
have ceased to be binding, and what you want is a verbal understanding
with your mother.
GLORIA (_embracing them_). My children, I forgive you! As for
Dill--that is settled.
DILL (_to_ KATHRYN). My money! (_Hands her bag._)
KATHRYN. Beautiful, ideal money! (_To_ JACK.) I think he shows signs of
submission already.
DILL (_to_ JACK). My will! (_Hands him the will._)
JACK. I warned you about that, Dill. I said a will was a very unsafe
thing to have.
DILL. My broken heart and soul! (_Hands that to_ GLORIA.) Oh, take
everything! (_Falls back into a chair and buries his head in his
hands._)
JACK (_to_ KATHRYN). A man is at least your friend who gives you money.
No other friends get along these days, or amount to anything.
GLORIA. My dears, I agree with both of you. Your father has enough
money as it is, and any more would surely spoil him. (_To_ JACK.) I
don't think husbands should be allowed titles. Mine I know would
squander his. Moreover, in England the women have already gotten their
rights or are about to get them, which is almost as bad. And when we
women get the vote, if there are titles left, they shall certainly
belong to us. You may keep the will, Jack, I assure you it is utterly
worthless, and probably recorded all over the country. (_He and_
KATHRYN _stroll off_. GLORIA _turns upon_ DILL.) I don't mind about
your heart, for if it's broken you couldn't use it, and I don't mind
about the soul part either, for I don't think you have one. But I do
seriously object to your wasting your money. (_Turns her back to him._)
You'll never amount to anything.
DILL. I have been always most saving, my dear.
GLORIA. Less saving than spent, Dill.
KATHRYN (_tossing her latest gift into the air_). Lovely, spiritual
money. We can be married now, and you won't have to work as a stoker in
the ship after all.
JACK. Positively, my dear, I never dreamed of such a thing!
KATHRYN (_pouting_). Of course, I never could have allowed you to. You
might have upset us all, and I'm not going to be drowned for love or
any other nonsense.
JACK. But, my dear, if I upset the ship, it would be your duty to get
drowned. Any old captain will tell you that. They know absolutely
nothing. It's like any other walk of life. A man wears whiskers, or
white hair, or something, and you fancy he's learned. But he's not, and
never will be. Sea-captains dress as they do, and wear peculiar caps,
not that they should look like sea-captains, but that young innocent
persons like yourself should be deceived into thinking them
philosophers, or good men, or bad men, or some kind of men at least.
That explains the old and venerable expression of thinking through your
cap. But it's all wrong. They never think at all.
KATHRYN. I've often gone fishing, Jack, and I've never yet caught a
fish. Do you think there are any fishes in the sea, or is it just a
myth like mermaids and the millennium?
JACK. That is purely a piscatorial problem. My father is doubtless a
proper authority. I know he drinks like a fish, and he eats like a race
horse. (DILL _has been left entirely to his own reflections_.)
GLORIA. What are you two over there saying about running away?
JACK (_advancing solemnly_). Miss Gibbs, I have something to tell you.
(_Sits down and with knees crossed nonchalantly lights cigarette._) I
have no money, of course. Nobody has these days. The philanthropists
have stolen it all.
KATHRYN (_handing him money bag_). Of course not, Jack, how absurd! But
this will surely pay off some of your debts.
JACK. Very few, my dear. You don't know what debts are. Debts are a
man's constant reminder that even when he's very, very rich, one-half
the money in his pocket, and all the money in his bank, belongs
positively to somebody else.
GLORIA. I seriously object to your morals, Jack.
JACK. Surely you would not blame me for that which I never had?
DILL. As the lady's father, I must at least inquire of your habits,
sir.
JACK. I have no habits; even the good ones are bad enough, and the bad
ones are so hard to follow out.
KATHRYN. I quite approve so far, Jack.
JACK. I never vote.
GLORIA. I have yet to know the man who did. That's why they don't want
us to.
JACK. And I am proud to say that I have never done even a single stroke
of work.
KATHRYN. Oh! But you really must take up some useful occupation, Jack,
and go downtown very early in the morning and come back very late every
night. Married life would be impracticable otherwise. One could stand a
husband in the morning and evening, but a whole day added to each night
would be out of the question.
JACK. You don't understand. Business today is done under very bad
principles. The proper way, in truth, the only way that a young man of
my temperament could be induced to begin work, would be to start right
up at the top and go right down to the bottom. It takes so much less
time and trouble than the old way of beginning at the bottom and
stealing one's way up to the top. Besides, one is just that much more
likely to land somewhere.
KATHRYN. I wish that I were a man. Here you stand wasting my time
talking, when in a few weeks you might learn to be a messenger boy, and
grow right up into a millionaire.
JACK. I'm not old enough for a messenger boy, Kathryn. Messenger boys
are never successful until they become at least fifty and have long
white hair. Mine is a very firm yellow. I inherited it from my mother.
GLORIA. I thought you and Kathryn were having an innocent flirtation
only. (_To_ DILL.) Men are so deceiving.
JACK. There's no such thing as an innocent flirtation, Gloria.
Naturally I shall have a great deal of trouble convincing you of my
love for your daughter. I had expected that. When a man arrives at my
age of indiscretion, love is no longer to be thought of.
GLORIA. Mr. Kent and I are no longer young, sir, though we have been
long in love.
KATHRYN (_to herself_). Kathryn Kent! What a pretty name. (_Strolls
off._)
GLORIA (_sharply_). I'm afraid you're thinking, Dill. I am often aware
of a most unpleasant sensation whenever you indulge in that.
DILL. I am, my love, I usually am.
KATHRYN. There's no use going further, Jack. It can't be done.
JACK (_going to her_). What can't be done, my dear? I think that rather
a revolutionary sentiment, your saying a thing can't be done,
especially before trying it.
KATHRYN. The name, Jack, the name! There's no use in losing that.
JACK. What name, dear?
KATHRYN. Why, Kent, of course! I never could marry a man named
Hargrave.
JACK (_taking her hand tenderly_). Poor Kathryn! So busy exchanging
relations, she's completely forgotten my name. I told you my name was
really Kent. It's as really Kent as yours is.
KATHRYN (_still dazed_). Ah, so you did! (_Goes over to sofa._ DILL
_follows--she plays with him with a piece of string_.)
JACK. And I told you that I had a number too. (_To_ GLORIA.) Did I ever
tell you, Gloria, that I had a number? Such a lovely number! Hereafter
I must be known as John, plain John, Disciple No. 1, in Crapsey's
School for Socialism.
GLORIA. Crapsey's School for Socialism?
JACK. In Canterbury, England! And I hold the unique distinction of
being the only pupil that Crapsey ever had.
GLORIA. Jack, this is terrible!
JACK (_romping about_). So you refuse to give your consent! Oh, I am so
glad. It has always been my ambition to marry someone whose parents
absolutely disapproved of me, who thought me utterly unfitted for
family life. (_To_ KATHRYN.) We shall have all the fun of an elopement
now, and when you have finally divorced me, you can always recollect
that your parents advised you not to, and that they--(_pointing to_
GLORIA) after all was said and done, knew absolutely nothing of what
they were talking about. (KATHRYN _does not look up_. DILL, _like a
lazy lion, is lolling about at her feet. Sometimes he paws for the
string._)
GLORIA. I have this much to say, Mr. Hargrave, and that is, that with
or without my consent, you shall never marry any daughter of mine.
JACK (_with provoking mirth_). Kent, if you please! But why not? I am a
socialist, of course, and I know that the world is not yet prepared for
socialism. But we are only children as yet, and this is still the
twentieth century. When we reach the twenty-first and become of age it
will be time to talk about that.
GLORIA. You are Kathryn's first cousin.
JACK. I would be if I weren't adopted, Gloria.
GLORIA. Your mother! (_Enter_ JANE.)
JACK. Gloria was asking of my mother, Jane. It is one of those
impossible questions to answer, and possibly why she asked.
JANE. Have you ever thought of your mother, Jack?
JACK. Oh, I remember my mother. I was adopted almost before I was born
and yet--
JANE. What was she like, dear?
JACK. Like no one else in the world, Jane. It's hard to be sure of
course, but I think she must have been just the one woman who never
could grow fat.
JANE. At least I am not fat, Jack.
JACK. Oh, Jane--my mother!
JANE. My son John! (_Enter_ HARGRAVE. _His hair is short and his
costume more civilized. At sight of him_ DILL _grows instantly shy and
timid. He retreats to the shelter of_ KATHRYN _who, however, refuses to
be taken for a tree, and by a series of short playful jumps takes him
to the centre of the stage_.)
JACK. Father! Where is your hair? Have you swallowed it?
JANE. Your father's hair and I have had a falling out, Jack. We are
decided to cut it upon first sight hereafter.
HARGRAVE. Water!
GLORIA. Come out of there, Dill. Where are your manners I should like
to know? (DILL _holds tray and hands a pitcher to_ HARGRAVE.)
HARGRAVE. Ah! (_Drains a glass._) Ah! (DILL _grows impatient and_
HARGRAVE _grabs the pitcher_.)
JACK. How degrading drink is! It's dangerous too. There are more germs
in water than in anything else except whiskey, as scientists will tell
you.
GLORIA. I will break the news to you first, Jack. Jane is really your
mother, and--I think that he is your father too.
JACK (_to_ KATHRYN). It is apparent that we never can be married now,
dear.
KATHRYN. You feel quite sure that we are safe?
JACK. My dear, cousins could hardly afford to marry, and though I don't
believe a word that Gloria said-- (_Stops abruptly and goes over to_
HARGRAVE.)
KATHRYN (_with a deep sigh of satisfaction_). Well, that's over.
(_Retreats to lounge._)
JACK (_insolently_). Sir! I have already found my mother. (GLORIA
_looks ominously at_ JANE.) And ever since I can remember I have been
told I resembled you.
GLORIA (_to_ KATHRYN). You said that you recognized him at once, dear.
(KATHRYN _makes a little face_.)
JACK (_earnestly_). Are you my father?
HARGRAVE. I am not.
JACK. Who is my father?
HARGRAVE. I don't know.
JACK. Your answers are satisfactory. In the future I don't wish so
distasteful a subject to be broached again. (_Turns away impatiently._)
HARGRAVE. Did you say you had found your mother?
JACK. I did. (_Looks at_ JANE _who shakes her head_.)
HARGRAVE (_eyeing them all a little suspiciously_). May I then ask who
your mother is, sir?
JACK. Ah, my mother is an angel. (_Looks up in the air._)
HARGRAVE. Do not stand there blinking at the stars. I am sorry your
mother is dead, but I have known that for years.
DILL. Perhaps the will would put him in a better humor, sir.
JACK (_handing it to him_). I forgot to tell you, father, but I found
it after all. (_To_ KATHRYN.) It's easy enough to find a thing if
you're not looking for it.
HARGRAVE (_to them all_). I have just this much to say--that even if I
was disinherited by my father I intend to take this matter to the
courts. Fighting, especially fighting for the right, has always been a
point of honor with me.
GLORIA. One pig, Dill?
DILL. One pig, then.
GLORIA (_advancing_). As we do not seem able to be married on land, Mr.
Hargrave, Mr. Kent and I have decided to try the water. We are sailing
this evening.
JACK. You are not sailing in those trunks, Gloria?
GLORIA. Mr. Hargrave, I am a lady. Those are not trunks, those are my
new hats.
DILL. My idea, sir. It's to pass the custom house.
JACK. Would you like a sail across the pond, dear? I know some capital
fish stories, and can show you where they catch the most gigantic fish.
Father caught a whale there or something of the sort.
KATHRYN. A shark, Jack, a shark, I'm sure.
JACK. Well whatever it was we're quite safe. Whenever they strike a
leak or the ship gets too heavy they push all the women off into the
little boats.
HARGRAVE. What boat are you sailing on, may I ask?
GLORIA. The Baltic, Mr. Hargrave.
HARGRAVE (_to_ JANE). I feel a little lonely, my dear. Don't you think
we might try a sail ourselves?
JANE. Yes, the rent's up.
KATHRYN. What idiots we all are.
GLORIA. DILL! Come here! Did you not tell my daughter in that letter
that you were an idiot?
DILL. I did, my dearest, indeed.
KATHRYN. Oh, the letter! And now I've lost it--what a shame. I always
read letters backward and never did read more than the last paragraph
anyway. But it's the only letter from my father that I ever had and I
feel the loss of it already.
DILL. Never fear, Miss Kathryn. I will write you another. (_He thinks
long and earnestly, but fails to write._)
JANE. I have a present for you, Jack. (_Gives him a bag similar to_
GLORIA'S.) It was left me by my father, but with disclosures of a
nature which I could not countenance. (_At R._) I could never own up to
forty, Peter; never, never, never, if I were a hundred.
JACK. You must never own up to thirty, Jane; I shall feel so very old
when you do so. (_To_ KATHRYN.) Don't you think we might get married
after all, dear? It is terrible to have so much money and not know what
to do with it.
KATHRYN. Yes, love is very beautiful, isn't it?
JACK (_pulling other bag from trunk_). I knew I should succeed some
day, Jane; and I cannot thank either you or your sister one-half
enough.
JANE AND GLORIA (_with one voice_). I was always my father's favorite
daughter! (_Each snatches a bag, the two of which are carried off by_
JACK.)
GLORIA. Whatever are you doing, Dill? Are you writing a letter to the
Pope? (_Bell rings._)
JACK. I distinctly heard a noise. (_Bell rings more loudly._) I am
seldom mistaken, Dill, and as you are still the butler (_Bell peals
again_).
GLORIA. Hurry, Dill. It may be some distinguished guest. (_Exit_ DILL
_very slowly_.)
JANE. I have never heard a bell ring that way before. I was sure ours
had been broken for months.
JACK. Belles always are, I believe.
KATHRYN. I have taken a dislike to this one already.
JACK. It sounds painfully reminiscent. You do not ring that way,
Father?
HARGRAVE. Someday I shall wring your neck, sir.
JANE. You must learn to control your temper, Peter. I don't mind your
trying it out on your relatives, but until it gets quite, quite perfect
you must remember never to practise it on me. (_Takes away his glasses
and places them on table._) It was only his glasses, Jack.
KATHRYN. This suspense is killing me. I know I look like a tableau.
GLORIA. My dear, your dress is too low! You must not show your neck
until late in the evening, or at least until the lights are turned on
and everyone is looking.
JANE. I am glad we have chosen so large a boat. I feel as though I
weighed a ton already.
KATHRYN. I will not wait one moment longer. No! not for the Empress of
Egypt, if there is such a thing. (_Goes forward._) Dill can bring the
bundles. (_They follow her to the door, only to recoil in astonishment
as_ COL. CHRISTOPHER CRAPSEY _appears. He is prodding_ DILL _with his
sword which he sheathes gallantly upon beholding_ KATHRYN. _The others
he salutes sternly. In fact he salutes at every opportunity, his chief
occupation being apparently this same salute, preceded each time by
three mighty strides and heels together in approved military fashion.
He has all the vulgar airs of a soldier, of even a retired soldier._)
CRAPSEY (_after saluting everybody and everything in sight_). Col.
Christopher Crapsey--retired Army officer--Socialist--and--(_delves
into pocket for card_).
GLORIA. The tray, Dill--the tray! (_The effect produced by the mention
of the word_ CRAPSEY _stuns everyone, with the exception of_ KATHRYN
_and_ DILL, _who have no knowledge of what a really interesting person
the Colonel is_. JANE, _of course, was expecting him. But_ HARGRAVE
_was not, and, after adjusting his glasses and taking one furtive
glance, he disappears up the chimney_.)
DILL (_bowing deeply_). I must observe for the second time, sir, that
your bearing is most soldierly.
CRAPSEY (_drawing sword_). Silence, sir. (_Empties seven or eight cards
on tray and again repeats the ominous words._) Col. Christopher
Crapsey, retired Army officer!--Socialist--and--
KATHRYN (_to_ JACK). I am so surprised--I thought the men of war were
all at sea, and fighting with their wives, or with themselves.
JACK (_audibly_). I think the man's a fool.
KATHRYN. I'm sure of it.
GLORIA (_admonishingly_). Little do either of you know how much the
Colonel's visit portends. (CRAPSEY _glares at all of them_.)
JACK. This is my last broken ideal. And I so young! What a pity.
CRAPSEY (_looking about him_). Ah, I forgot. Jane Gibbs, I believe.
(_Goes up to Gloria._)
JANE. I am Jane Gibbs. You wanted to see me about my son, did you not?
CRAPSEY. I did.
GLORIA. Pray proceed. We are all prepared for the worst.
CRAPSEY. Ah, it is for the very best.
KATHRYN. How very too bad! Nothing thrills me like a disappointment,
and now even you refuse to marry someone else, Jack.
CRAPSEY (_annoyed at the interruption_). For the very best! I have
decided your son shall remain with me. (_To_ GLORIA.) It is hard to
realize the effect that environment has on the young. It is much more
vital than heredity, and John I feel bound to state is the exact image
of me. He has my eyes, my commanding manner, my masterly stride.
JOHN (_from the other end of the room_). Have you come here to insult
me, sir?
JANE. But I thought John was a scholar, Colonel? You have written
several letters about his French, and you said his Shakespeare was
perfect.
CRAPSEY. He is more than a scholar, madam. Your son is a soldier. He
has the soldier's finer feelings, and some day will surely join the
ranks to become as famous as his guardian was before him.
JACK. I'd rather die than fight for anyone.
CRAPSEY (_trying not to hear_). Yes, for twenty years he has been mine.
He has been a dutiful, affectionate son and a help to me in that
institution which is destined some day to become known throughout the
entire world. But come! (_Consults his watch._) There's little time. I
arrived yesterday on the Burgoyne and I sail tonight on the Baltic.
JACK. The Baltic?
CRAPSEY (_violently_). The Baltic! But it does not concern you in the
least.
JACK (_to_ KATHRYN). I assure you, my dear, that all this has reference
to me.
CRAPSEY (_to_ JANE). Your decision, pray?
JACK. I will not go.
CRAPSEY. Madam?
JACK. I will not go.
CRAPSEY. Madam, your decision!
JACK. It is easily decided, Jane. I refuse to go.
CRAPSEY (_marching up to him_). I did not ask you to go, sir! Your
conduct is an impertinence.
JACK (_to_ JANE). I will not live with a lunatic. Surely the law must
side with me there.
CRAPSEY (_roaring with rage_). Who is this offensive young person, may
I ask, who insults me in this fashion?
JACK (_stepping out_). I am John, plain John, Disciple No. 1, in
Crapsey's School for Socialism. And I hold the dubious distinction of
being the only pupil you ever had. (CRAPSEY'S _feelings are hurt beyond
expression. He wilts perceptibly. At length, with whatever dignity is
still his, he turns his back upon the company and stalks for the door.
There he hesitates for a moment and all draw back in doubt as to
whether he is about to go or charge upon them._)
HARGRAVE (_crawling out_). Is he gone? (_He presents a droll figure,
sooted and covered with dust._)
CRAPSEY (_returning with two or three wondrous strides_). I am not
gone, sir. And who are you?
JACK. This is my adopted father, the Rev. Peter Kent, alias Hargrave.
(CRAPSEY _stares icily, then adjusts an extraordinary pair of glasses
to his nose_.)
CRAPSEY. Aha! (HARGRAVE _shivers_.) So I have not tracked you twenty
years in vain. (_Draws sword._) You changed your name, but I am too
clever to be mislead by a woman's guile. Defend yourself, sir! I
remember--the truth is stronger than the sword! Come on, sir. (HARGRAVE
_retreats to fireplace_.)
JACK. Fighting always was his forte, Crapsey, especially fighting for
the right. If my life was as worthless as yours, father, I'd be
fighting all the time.
CRAPSEY (_turning fiercely on_ JACK). Shall I run you through and
through, sir? (HARGRAVE _glides behind the table_.) This creature stole
you from me years ago. But he is welcome to you--to all of you. I think
it is a den of thieves.
JANE. Curb your emotions, Colonel. This man is soon to be my husband,
and Jack was first of all my son. (HARGRAVE _is fired to action by this
apparent disclosure. Forgetting his fears he stamps jealously up to_
CRAPSEY _who meets him half way. They stand face to face._)
HARGRAVE AND CRAPSEY (_together_). Her son!
GLORIA (_to_ KATHRYN). I told you, my dear, that it was really so.
JANE. Yes, my own adopted son. I found him in one of the fashionable
parks of England's great city ... quite homeless, quite dirty, and
without name or parents. I called him John.
JACK. Thank you, Jane. I knew Gloria could never speak the truth.
JANE. You have been a most extravagant young man, Jack. Every dollar
which I have spent on your education has been squandered.
CRAPSEY. And every dollar has been used in running this man down. You
must admit that I have been successful. (_Smiles at the thought of his
accomplishments and seats himself comfortably._)
HARGRAVE (_well behind the table_). I have no doubt that you will still
land in jail, sir.
CRAPSEY (_bounding to his feet_). Aha! For you, sir, I have something
in the nature of a surprise. (_Fumbles in pockets._) After many
failures I have at last obtained a hearing before the Archbishop; and
he, like the honest, upright man that he is, has decreed that you be
unfrocked. I have the order with me.
JACK. I said you'd be unfrocked, father.
HARGRAVE (_discarding vest_). I am glad of it. For twenty years these
clothes weighed upon my soul, ruined my digestion, dyed my hair, and
made me the man I am.
JACK. Your reformation is complete, Jane.
DILL. In that case, sir, insomuch as my father specifically stated in
the will that he had disinherited you solely because you had entered
the ministry, I turn over one-half the estate to you. (GLORIA _stares
at him reproachfully_.)
HARGRAVE (_kneeling_). My brother! forgive me!
CRAPSEY. The will! What will!
HARGRAVE (_holding Dill's hand and the will in the air_). The will of
the late John Kent of Canterbury, whose elder son I am.
CRAPSEY. Pooh! (_Tears it to pieces._) Absolutely worthless, revoked it
before he died.
CHORUS OF VOICES. Revoked it?
CRAPSEY.. Revoked it! And seeing at the last the error of his ways, by
the merciful will of God left every cent he possessed to a School for
Socialism, to be founded in ye good and ancient city of Canterbury,
whose ruling spirit I am. The new will was discovered just previous to
my departure for this country.
DISCORD OF VOICES. Oh! (_Each seeks a chair_, DILL _alone being left in
the scuffle_.)
DILL (_holding up bag_). At any rate we do not need for money, sir.
(CRAPSEY _tosses the coins contemptuously into the air_.)
CRAPSEY. Bah! American pennies, as worthless as the American dollar.
(_All are visibly annoyed._) But hurry! My time is nearly up. Do I go
alone, or will some of the party accompany me?
KATHRYN. We'll be the young married couple, Jack.
JANE. We'll be the sisters, Gloria.
GLORIA. Yes, and Dill will be the butler. (_All but_ DILL _and_ JANE
_assent_.)
JANE. I think, Peter, that as your brother has been the butler for
twenty years it is only fair that you should now take his place.
KATHRYN. No one can ever take my father's place. It may sound like
affectation, but it's not. Dill will be the butler.
CRAPSEY. That is impossible! In my school the women work and do all the
work. (_All the men and_ DILL _are jubilant_.) One thing still requires
our attention. After what person, or persons, shall the institution be
called?
JACK, HARGRAVE AND DILL (_displaying their now reluctant better
halves_). After my--
CRAPSEY. One name at a time, please.
VOICES THREE. The Convolvulus.
CRAPSEY. Then that is settled. Company fall in. (CRAPSEY _stands
superbly at the head; next_ JANE _and_ GLORIA; _next_ HARGRAVE _and_
DILL. KATHRYN _tries to hold_ JACK _in last place with her, but he
breaks away and goes up to_ HARGRAVE.)
JACK. I told you, father, that I was going to complete my education;
and perhaps some day I shall have the distinction of a number. (CRAPSEY
_hits him a vicious crack with his sword just as_ JACK _takes_ JANE'S
_chattels away from her. These he adds to_ GLORIA'S _already prodigious
pile and joins the ranks_.)
KATHRYN. I feel just as if I were boarding the Ark.
CRAPSEY. The Baltic! Forward march! (_They describe a short circle_,
JACK _whistling the "Marseillaise," "Onward Christian Soldiers," or
some terrible tango tune. Any old tune will not do, however, and care
should be taken in its selection and use._)
JACK (_disappearing_). Dear me! It's five-fifteen, and they're beating
their wives in London now. (_Exeunt all._)
CURTAIN.
LIST IN BELLES-LETTRES
Published by CLAIRE MARIE
Three East Fourteenth St., New York
SONNETS FROM THE PATAGONIAN: THE STREET OF LITTLE HOTELS. By DONALD
EVANS, Author of "Discords." Jade boards. $1.25. (Second printing.)
LITTLE WAX CANDLE--A Farce in One Act by LOUISE NORTON. Burnt orange
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SALOON SONNETS: WITH SUNDAY FLUTINGS--A Volume of Poems by ALLEN
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TENDER BUTTONS: OBJECTS, FOOD, ROOMS--Studies in Description by
GERTRUDE STEIN. Canary boards. $1.00.
SYRINX: PASTELS OF HELLAS. By MITCHELL S. BUCK. Grey boards. $1.25.
THE CONVOLVULUS--A Comedy in Three Acts by ALLEN NORTON. Slate boards.
$1.25.