Getting Acquainted With the West--The Character of the Cow-boy--A
Cow-boy's Love Affair, Etc.
Next day I began to breathe easier as I had not witnessed any shooting
scrapes, nor funerals, so I felt rather safe in walking the streets,
although I was rather suspicious of anybody I met wearing a six-shooter.
Nevertheless, I kept on the move, endeavoring to find where I could locate
a good homestead, as that country was nearly all open and unsettled. In my
wanderings I happened into Cox's feed yard where Broncho Jack kept his
horses. I entered the camp house and found Jack and Slim Jim sitting on a
bench and there was every evidence to show that they had been indulging
too freely in "Kelly's Sovereign Remedy for a Sour Disposition." They
seemed very confidential in their conversation, and I could not help
overhearing it. It ran about as follows:
S. J.--Jack, do you know that old nester that settled on the flats out on
Crooked Creek?
B. J.--No, I don't know him, but I heard there was a fellow out there
going into farming and raising fine stock.
S. J.--Well, he's there all right, and has two of the prettiest daughters
I ever saw.
B. J.--What has that to do with you?
S. J.--It has this to do with me. I am done ranching. I am going to drop
off this old broncho and will step right in between the old man's plow
handles and there I'll stay until removed by death, or the County Sheriff.
B. J.--Have you had any introduction to those young ladies, or what is the
matter with you? Have you taken leave of your senses and gone wild?
S. J.--I never had an introduction to them, but I met them at the
post-office and they had a nosebag full of letters and a wheel-barrow full
of papers and books. Oh, I tell you they are educated, or what would they
want with all that printed stuff. I am going farming, that is what I am
going to do.
B. J.--Now I know you are daffy. Talk about farming, don't you know it has
not rained out there in the last eighteen months. I met a traveling
evangelist the other day who told me that he almost had to forego the
pleasure of immersing a class of six cow-punchers for want of sufficient
water to perform the ceremony. He was afraid that if it did not soon rain
he would lose them sure as he would not be able to get them again if they
went back to the ranches before they received his ministrations.
S. J.--Oh, that is all right about the rain! The old man does not need
rain. He has a wind-mill and a trough to water his stock, and I can tell
you that his stock is first class. I saw some of them and the milch cows
had bags on them the size of washtubs and the teats hung down like
baseball bats. He is well fitted in every way. He has a top buggy with a
high back and a low seat all for himself. He wears a white shirt just as
some folks do in Texas when they are running for office. I met his boy on
the train a day or so ago and he shows good raising. He had shoes and
stockings on, and he is no more than fifteen years old. He also had on a
collar and tie and did not swear once while I was talking to him. I asked
him where his pa had got the big stock and he said that they came from
Ohio, and that they were Poland China or something like that.
B. J.--Let me tell you, Slim, if that old man is from Chicago and is a
Republican, he has no use for a cow-puncher or a Democrat, no more than a
pig has for side pockets. He would not want you to picket your horse on
the trail in front of his place, nor to holler in his rain barrel, much
less going to call on one of his daughters. Why, they scare the
children back there and compel them to be good by telling them that the
nasty, old, long-haired cow-puncher will take them away to the ranch where
there is nothing but wild cattle, cow-punchers, tarantulas and centipedes,
and a lot of other reptiles.
[Illustration: CHEYENNE INDIAN GIRL.]
S. J.--Well, I have to leave you Jack, and the next time I see you I shall
be on my honeymoon trip. I am now on my way to the farm to see the lady
that I expect to soon be Mrs. Slim Jim.
B. J.--Good-bye, Jim. Good luck to you!
About two weeks afterwards, Broncho Jack and I were seated on the bank of
Crooked Creek discussing the situation, whether the opportunities for
making money were better in hunting or picking bones, catching mustangs,
or blacksmithing. I came to the conclusion that the last was the most
conducive to wealth just then, and later on opened up a shop there. During
our conversation Slim Jim rode up. Throwing the reins over his pony's
head, he dismounted and shook hands. Slowly he rolled a cigarette and
began to unbosom himself to Jack.
"Say, Jack," said Slim, "you remember what you told me in the camphouse in
Dodge City the day I left you. You recollect saying what a consarned fool
I was about that young lady, and what you thought of the old man? Say, I
hope to die and go to heaven if every word of what you told me was not
true. I have ridden for two days to tell you what kind of a durn fool I
am. You are a fortune teller, a prophet, a prognosticator. I had not
ridden out to Five Mile Creek until he got to soliloquizing with myself.
You know all cow-punchers do that out on the prairie! Well, I got to
fixing up how to act, what to do and say when I got out there where the
young lady lives. I had read a society book that some fellow from back
East had left at the ranch once. There was some of it torn out, but there
was a lot of it left and I learned a whole lot out of it, and I was going
to govern myself accordingly. It said that a young man in company after
taking his seat, should sit erect and throw his head back, keep his knees
close together, and that chewing tobacco or smoking cigarettes was not
good form. Under no circumstances should the young man wear spurs, carry a
gun, especially in the company of the young lady with whom he is anyways
intimate. I guess that book was written for the Texas trade, as there was
a proviso that gun-wearing would be permissible if there were other
gentlemen present. If there was anything about the disposal of the hands,
it must have been torn out or I forgot it. It was most likely torn out, as
that crowd of boys at the ranch would tear the leaves out of their
mother's Bible to make a cigarette. I can ride a horse or throw a rope,
but what to do with my hands when I entered the house was beyond me. I
knew how to hold my head, chest, and knees, but I could not for the life
of me figure out what to do with those hands. I felt as if each hand was
as big as a ham and the nearer I approached the house, the larger they
seemed to grow. I felt pretty much like a Hottentot. He is usually
pictured with a very depleted wardrobe. He has no books of instruction on
the art of going into society, and I am of the opinion he had just as much
trouble with his hands as I had. I guess he just folded his hands across
his manly chest and backed in. By the time I arrived at the Mulberry Ranch
I had decided to do all I knew and trust to luck for the rest. When I had
staked out my pony, I went in and slicked up some. I washed, combed my
hair, brushed my clothes, and then took about three fingers of old Tom
Duggan's best bourbon, not as a stimulant, but to put some color in my
cheeks. As soon as the bourbon began to show some of its efficacy, I put
on a couple of rings I had bought in Dodge and headed for the old man's
ranch, letting my hands take care of themselves. In my generosity of
feeling I pictured myself being invited to supper and perhaps even being
requested to spend the night at the old man's. With an eye to putting an
appearance on things I was going to try to trade some long-horned stock
for some of his short-horns. I was in terror lest the young lady I was yet
to choose, would smell my breath, and if the old man and his family were
prohibitionists, I knew it would be all up with my chances. However, I was
encouraged in the knowledge of the fact that this was to be my first call
and I was not likely to get within breath-smelling distance of the lady of
my choice. Regardless of consequences, I turned in and rode up to the
hitching post, dismounted, took off my spurs and my gun, and then set out
for the house. It seemed miles from that hitching-post to the front door.
I finally covered the distance and rapped gently on the panel as I did not
want them to think I was one of those rough, roaring, cow-punchers--the
kind you mentioned. I listened attentively for one of those gentle
footfalls, or the sound of an angelic voice bidding me to enter. I
imagined once I heard the rustle of a silk dress but I am satisfied now
that I was mistaken as I believe the sound was caused by the girls husking
roasting ears for supper. You know that husking green corn makes a kind of
squeaking noise. I did not have long to wait as I heard the sound of
footsteps--the kind a bull moose makes when in trouble. The door was
thrown open savagely and I was confronted by an old man who weighed about
two hundred and fifty pounds. He had a face like a full moon with side
whiskers to match and a moustache that resembled a second-hand shoe brush.
He wore a white shirt with a home-made collar that reached to his ears. I
tell you he was a fierce looking object. He stared me straight in the eye
and said, "What can I do for you?" Now, Jack, you know that I am a fairly
good talker, but right there my voice failed me. I could not utter a word
if my life depended upon it. To make matters worse, he kept those two big
eyes on me just like a dog setting a quail. My throat became all tied up
in a knot, but after a pause I pulled myself together and asked him if he
was bothered by any range cattle breaking through his fences. I thought I
would get him into conversation in that way, and said that the range
foreman had asked me to make the inquiry. He turned and slammed the door
in my face. My love that a few moments before threatened to burn a hole in
my shirt, was turned to hate. I detest that old man, and what makes my
hatred more intense is the fact that when I was riding away I saw the
girls laughing and making fun of me. I have come to the conclusion that I
had better stick to the ranching as I never did care much for farming
anyway. As for society and things like that, I abominate them."