THE TRIALS OF MRS. MACY
As Susan set the basket down it began to squawk.
"I don't care," she said, "let it squawk!"
"But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, in whose kitchen Susan had set the
basket down and in whose kitchen chair Susan was now sitting herself
down.
"Let it squawk," Susan repeated; "I guess it's made trouble enough for
others so that I may in all confidence feel to set a little while
without troublin' about it myself. I look upon it that I was very kind
to take it anyhow, not havin' no idea how it'll agree with the chickens
when it comes to eatin' with them or with me when it comes to me eatin'
it, for you know as I never was one as cared for 'em, Mrs. Lathrop, but
still a friend is a friend, an' in Mrs. Macy's state to-night the least
her friends could do was for Gran'ma Mullins to stay with her an' for me
to take the duck. Gran'ma Mullins was willing to sit up with a
under-the-weather neighbor, but she said she could _not_ take a duck on
her mind too, an' a spoiled duck at that, for I will in confidence
remark, Mrs. Lathrop, as you only need to be in the room with that duck
two minutes to see as the Prodigal Son was fully an' freely whipped in
comparison to the way as he's been dealt with."
"I really--" protested Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, I don't know but it _will_ be savin' of breath in the end," said
Miss Clegg, and thereupon she arose, laid hold of the squawking basket,
bore it into the next room, and coming out, shut the connecting door
firmly behind her.
"Where under the--" began Mrs. Lathrop.
"It's really quite a long story," returned her friend; "but I come in
just to tell you, anyhow. It's Mrs. Macy's story an' it begun when she
went in town yesterday mornin', an' it's a story of her trials, an' I
will say this for Mrs. Macy, as more trials right along one after
another I never hear of an' to see her sittin' there now in her carpet
slippers with a capsicum plaster to her back an' Gran'ma Mullins makin'
her tea every minute she ain't makin' her toast is enough to make any
one as is as soft an' tender-hearted as I am take any duck whether it's
spoiled or not. An' so I took this duck."
"Well, I--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.
"You think not now," said Susan, "but you soon will when I tell you, for
as I said before, I come over just to tell you, an' I'm goin' to begin
right off. It's a long story an' one as 'll take time to tell, but you
know me an' you know as I always take time to tell you everythin' so you
can rely on gettin' the whole hide an' hair of this; an' you'll get it
fresh from the spout too, for I'm just fresh from Mrs. Macy an' Mrs.
Macy's so fresh from her trials that they was still holdin' the plaster
on to her when I left."
"But--" expostulated the listener.
"Well, now this is how it was," said Miss Clegg; "an' I'll begin 'way
back in the beginnin' so you 'll have it all straight, for it's very
needful to have it straight so as to understand just why she is so nigh
to half mad. For Mrs. Macy is n't one as gets mad easy, an' so it's well
for us as has got to live in the same town with her to well an' clearly
learn just how much it takes to use her up.
"Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as yesterday mornin' Mrs. Macy set out to go to
town to buy her some shoes. Seems as she was goin' to take lunch with
Busby Bell's cousin Luther Stott's wife as she met at the Lupeys' in
Meadville, 'cause they only live three-quarters of an hour from town on
two changes of the electric, an' Mrs. Stott told Mrs. Lupey as any time
she or her relations got tired of shoppin' she'd be nothin' but happy
to have 'em drop in on her to rest 'cause she kept a girl an' her
husband's sister, too, so company was n't no work for her herself. Well,
Mrs. Macy was goin' to the city an' so she looked up the address an'
made up her mind to go there to lunch, an' so she wrote the address on
one side of the piece of paper as she had in her black bag an' she wrote
her shoes on the other side, for she says they're a new kind of shoes as
is warranted not to pinch you in the back, by every magazine an'
newspaper--an' _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on bein' pinched; why, she
says she give up belts an' took to carpet slippers just for the very
reason as she could _not_ stand bein' pinched nowhere.
"Well, seems as the shoes was Kulosis shoes an' Mrs. Macy says how any
one could remember 'em off of paper _she_ can't see anyhow, an' Luther
Stott's wife lives 2164 Eleventh Avenue S.W., an' that was very
important too, for there's seven other Eleventh Avenues in the city
besides eight Eleventh Streets; seems as the new part of the city is
laid out that way so as to make it simple to them as knows where they
live anyhow.
"Well, Mrs. Macy says she put on her bonnet as happy as any one looks to
be afore they know they're goin' to be the first to have a new invention
tried on 'em an' then she locked up her house an' set off. She says she
never was great on new inventions for she's lived under a lightnin' rod
for pretty near forty years an' never come anywhere nigh to be struck
once yet, but she says she has now learned to her sorrow as bein' fooled
by a lightnin' rod man forty years ago ain't nothin' to bein' fooled by
a minister for forty years ahead, for she says she'll lose her guess if
this last foolin' don't last forty years or even longer if she lives
that long, an' make her wear her felt slippers all the forty years too.
"Well, she says of course you might know as it would be the minister as
done her up first on this day of misery, an' it _was_ the minister! She
says after that donation party to fix him out with new shirts last week
she surely looked to be spared any further inflictions from him for one
while; she says the idea as the congregation is expected to shirt the
minister was surely most new to her, an' she was dead set against it at
first, but she says she come to the fore an' was one to help make him
the six when she see as it was expected to be her duty as a Christian,
but she says she surely hoped when she hemmed the tail of the last one
as she'd seen the last of him for a good breathin' spell.
"But no, Mrs. Lathrop, seems it was n't to be, an' so she learned to her
keen an' pinchin' sorrow yesterday mornin', for she was n't more 'n
fairly on her way to town when she run square up to him on the bridge
an' as a result was just in time to be the first for him to try his new
memory system on, an' she told Gran'ma Mullins an' me with tears in her
eyes an' her felt slippers solemnly crossed on top of each other, as
she can not see why it had to be her of all people an' her shoes of all
things, for she says--an' I certainly felt to agree, Mrs. Lathrop--as if
there's anythin' on the wide earth as you _don't_ want to apply a memory
system to it's your shoes, for shoes is somethin' as is happiest forgot.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, seems as this new memory system of the minister's
is a thing as he got out of a Sunday School magazine in reward for
workin' out a puzzle. Seems you guess big cities till their capital
letters spell 'Memory,' an' then you send the answers to the magazine
an' a dollar for postage an' packin' an' then they send you the memory
system complete in one book for nothin' a _tall_. Or you can add in a
two-cent stamp an' not guess nothin', but the minister guessed 'cause he
felt as in his circumstances he had n't ought to waste even two cents!
Seems as they had a most awful time afore they found Ypsilanti for the
'Y,' an' for a while they was most afraid they'd have to be reckless
with two cents, but they got it in the end an' sent 'em all off, an' the
book come back with a injunction forbiddin' it to be lent to no one
stamped on every page. Seems it come back day before yesterday an' the
minister sat up most of the night commemoratin' the theory, an' then
Mrs. Macy says he just got it into him in time for Fate to let him go
an' be flung at her right on the bridge! She says she was n't no more
mistrustin' trouble than any one does when they meet a loose minister
out walkin' an' she says she can't well see how any woman meetin' a man
across a bridge can be blamed for not knowin' as he's just grasped a new
principle an' is dyin' to apply it to the first thing handy.
"She says he asked her where she was goin' an' she told him frank an'
open as she was goin' to the city to buy some shoes as was warranted not
to pinch. She says he asked her what kind of shoes they was an' she
opened her little bag an' got out the paper an' read him as they was
Kulosis shoes. He asked her why she had it wrote down an' she told him
as she had it wrote down so as not to forget the kind an' maybe get
pinched again.
"Well, she says she was standin' sideways an' was n't watchin'
particular, so she was n't in no state to suspect nothin' when he told
her as she could easy throw that piece of paper away an' go to town
without it. She says she told him as she knowed that she could easy
throw the piece of paper away an' go to town without it, but how was she
to remember her shoes which was the reason why she was takin' the piece
of paper along with her? Then she says as he said as he'd show her how
to remember her shoes an' welcome an' she says as she thought as long as
it was welcome she might as well stand still, so she did.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, but
the first thing he did was to ask her what Kulosis reminded her of,
which struck her as most strange in the start out. But she told him as
it did n't remind her of nothin' but shoes an' let it go at that, an'
she says it was plain as then he had to think of somethin' as it _could_
remind somebody of, an' she says he certainly did have to think a long
while an' when he said finally as it reminded _him_ of four noses.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says she never heard the beat of that in
all her born days, an' her mind went back to her childhood days an' a
uncle she had, an' the Lord 'll surely forgive her for thinkin' as he'd
surely been drinkin'; she says she was so took aback that he see it in
her face an' told her right then an' there as it was a memory system.
Seems as the key to the whole is as you must reduce everythin' to Mother
Goose so as not to need the brains as you've growed since, an' the
minister told Mrs. Macy as she'd find it most simple to apply. He went
on to ask her what did four noses remind her of, an' she says she
thought she see the whole game at that an' told him as quick as scat
that they reminded her of Kulosis, but oh, my, seems that ain't the way
it goes a _tall_, an' he begin an' explained it all over again, an'
where he come out in the end was as four noses would just naturally
remind any one as had more brains'n Mrs. Macy of 'Two legs sat upon
three legs.' You know the rhyme in Mother Goose where the dog is four
legs an' gets the mutton as is one leg in the man's lap?
[Illustration: "'Mrs. Macy was just about plum paralyzed at _that_.'"
_Page_ 179.]
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe understand as Mrs. Macy was just
about plum paralyzed at _that_! Her story is as she just stood afore him
with her mouth open like a Jack-o'-lantern's, wonderin' what under the
sun she was goin' to be asked to remember next, an' when he said that
was all, an' for her just to simply tear up the paper, she forgot all
about Luther Stott's wife on the back an' tore up the paper. He said for
her to go right along to town fully an' freely relyin' on 'Two legs sat
upon three legs' to get her her shoes, an' she says what with bein' so
dumbfoundered, an' what with him bein' the minister into the bargain,
she went along to the station thinkin' as maybe she'd be able to do it.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could hear Mrs. Macy for that ain't
nothin' but the beginnin', whatever you may think, an' the rest gets
awfuller an' awfuller!
"In the first place talkin' so long for the minister made her have to
run for the train, an' _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on a run. She said
she got so hot, as she was not only on a run but mostly on a pour all
the way to town. Why, she says it was most terrible an' she says nothin'
ever give her such a idea as she was a born fool afore, for with it all
she had to keep on sayin' 'Two legs sat upon three legs' as regular as a
clock, an' she was so afraid she'd forget it that she did n't dare even
take her usual little nap on the way an' so had no choice but to land
all wore out.
"Well, as soon as she was landed she remembered about Luther Stott's
wife bein' on the back of the piece of paper an' consequently tore up
along with her shoes, an' she says the start she got over rememberin'
havin' torn up Luther Stott's wife drove what 'Two legs sat upon three
legs' was to remind her of clean out of her head, not to speak of havin'
long since lost track of the way to get any connection between that an'
her shoes.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I only wish you'd of been there to hear! She says
nobody ever did afore! She says she went up one street an' down another
like a lost soul, lookin' for a policeman. She says she felt she did n't
know where to find nothin'. She could n't look for Luther in the
directory 'cause he's long dead an' only his wife lives there, an' as
for her shoes she was clean beside herself. She says she was so mad at
the minister as she'd have throwed away her baptism an' her marriage
then an' there just because it was ministers as done 'em both to her,
if there'd been anyway to get 'em off. Finally she just put her pride
into her pocket, went into a shoe store an' asked 'em openly if 'Two
legs sat upon three legs' reminded 'em of anythin' in the way of shoes.
She says the man looked at her in a way as passed all belief an' said it
reminded him more of pants than shoes.
"Well, she says she went out into the street at that an' her heart was
too low for any use; but the end was n't yet, for as she was wanderin'
along who should she meet but Drusilla Cobb?
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know Drusilla Cobb! You know what she was afore
she left here, an' Mrs. Macy says ten years ain't altered her a _tall_.
Whenever Drusilla was glad to see any one she always had a reason, an'
Mrs. Macy says it speaks loud for how clean used up she was over her
shoes that she never remembered that way of Drusilla's. Drusilla never
saw no one on the street unless she had a reason, an' if she had a
reason it was Heaven help them as Drusilla saw on the street.
"So now she saw Mrs. Macy an' asked her right home to lunch with her,
an' Mrs. Macy very gladly went. She says no words can tell how lively
an' pleasant Drusilla was, an' she felt to be glad she met her all the
way home. She says Drusilla has a very nice home an' a thin husband an'
three very thin boys. She says Drusilla is the only fat one in the
family."
Susan paused and drew a long breath.
Mrs. Lathrop adjusted herself in a new position.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, now's where the duck comes in. The duck was
Drusilla's reason, an' Mrs. Macy's next trial. Mrs. Macy says if any one
had told her as she was to go to town for shoes an' bring back a duck,
or be did in one day first by the minister an' next by Drusilla Cobb,
she'd take her Bible oath as whoever said it was lyin', but so it was."
"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes," said Miss Clegg, "it's the same one. An' this is its why as told
by Mrs. Macy to Gran'ma Mullins an' me." She paused and drew a still
longer breath. "Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as Drusilla's husband had got a
friend as goes huntin' with a doctor. Seems he found four little
red-headed things in a nest of reeds an' took one an' asked the doctor
what it was. Seems the doctor said as he thought as it was a
golden-headed oriole but the friend thought as it was a mud hen. So he
give it to Drusilla's youngest boy to raise in a flat for his birthday.
Well, Mrs. Macy says bein' raised in a flat was surely most new to the
animal as very soon turned out to be a duck. Seems it snapped at all the
black spots in the carpets for bugs an' when they put it in the bath-tub
to swim it would n't swim but just kept diving for the hole in the
bottom. Seems they had a most lively time with it an' it run after 'em
everywhere an' snapped at their shoe-buttons an' squawked nights, an'
when Drusilla see Mrs. Macy she thought right off as she could give her
the duck to take home with her 'cause she lived in the country. So that
was how Mrs. Macy come to be asked to take dinner at Drusilla's so
dreadful pleasant.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says as she no more mistrusted what
travelin' with a duck is than anythin', so although she could n't say as
she really relishes any duck afore he's cooked, she thought as it could
swim in the crick, an' maybe grow to be a comfort, so she let them put
it in a basket, an' give her a envelope of dead flies for it to lunch
on, an' she set off for home. She had to wait a long time for a car an'
the duck was so restless it eat eight flies an' bit her twice waitin',
but finally the car come along an' she an' the duck got on. Well, Mrs.
Lathrop, she says you never hear nothin' like that duck when it felt
itself on a electric car! The conductor heard it an' come runnin' an'
stopped the car an' put 'em both off afore she realized as she was
gettin' off for her duck instead of her depot.
"So there was Mrs. Macy stranded high an' dry in a strange part of the
city alone with a duck out of the goodness of her heart. You can maybe
believe as she was very far from feelin' friendly to Drusilla Cobb when
she realized as she couldn't take no car with no duck an' didn't know
Drusilla's number to take her back her duck, neither. Mrs. Macy says as
she felt herself slowly growin' mad an' she went into a store near by
an' asked 'em if they had a telephone. They said they had, an' she says
she never will know what possessed her but she just looked that
telephone square in the eye an' told it to get her the president of the
car company without a second's delay. She says it was astonishin' how
quick it got her somebody an' as soon as they'd each said 'Hello' polite
enough, she just up an' asked him to please tell her the difference
between a duck an' a canary-bird. Well, she says he did n't say nothin'
for a minute an' then he said 'Wh-a-t?' in a most feeble manner, an'
she asked him it right over again. Then she said he was more nervous an'
made very queer noises an' finally asked her what in Noah's ark she
wanted to know for. She says she could n't but think that very ill-bred,
considerin' her age, but she was in a situation where she had to
overlook anythin', so she told him as she knowed an' he knowed, too, as
any one could take a canary-bird an' travel anywhere an' never know what
it was to be put off for nothin'. She said he shook the wire a little
more an' then asked her if she was meanin' to lead him to infer that she
had been injected from a car with a duck. She says his tone was so
disrespectful that she felt her own beginnin' to rise an' she told him
so far from bein' injected she'd been put out an' off a car an' she had
the duck right with her to prove it. He told her as he would advise her
to try to do the duck up in a derby hat an' smuggle him through that
way, an' then without a word more he hung up.
"Well, Mrs. Macy says she just about never was so mad afore. She says
when she turned around all the men in the store was laughin' an' that
made her madder yet, but there was one on 'em as said he felt for her
'cause he owned a pair of ducks himself, an' he went in the back of the
store an' found a old hat-box as was pretty large an' he went to work
an' took the duck out of the basket an' put him into the box an' give
Mrs. Macy 'em both to carry an' put her on another car an' she set off
again.
"Well, that time she got to the depot all safe, an' if there was n't old
Dr. Carter from Meadville an' it goes without sayin' as old Dr. Carter
from Meadville could drive any duck clean out of Mrs. Macy's head, so
she an' he set out to be real happy to the Junction, an' the first thing
he asked her was if she'd been buyin' a new bonnet in town an' she
laughed an' give the box a little heave an' the bottom come out an' the
duck flew down the car.
[Illustration: "'The bottom come out an' the duck flew down the car.'"
_Page_ 188.]
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe guess as that was most tryin' both to
Mrs. Macy an' Dr. Carter as well, as is both fat an' was both wedged in
one seat expectin' to enjoy all they could of each other to the
Junction. Dr. Carter was obliged to unwedge himself an' catchin' the
duck was a most awful business an' Dr. Carter had to get off just about
as soon as it was done. Well, Mrs. Macy says helpin' to catch your duck
seems to make every one feel as free as air, an' a man come right off
an' sat with her right off an' asked her right off whether it was a duck
or a drake. Why, she says she never did--not in all her life--an' he
told her she could easy tell by catchin' a spider an' givin' it to the
duck an' if he took it it was a drake an' if she took it it was a duck.
He asked her if it was n't so an' she said she could n't deny it, an'
then he went back to his own seat an' she rode the rest of the way
tryin' to figure on where the hitch was in what he said, for she says as
she certainly feels there's a hitch an' yet you can't deny that it's
all straight about the spider an' the he and the she.
"Well, so she got home an' went right up to her house, put the duck in
the rat trap, an' went over to ask the minister about her shoes, an'
what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think! The minister had
clean forgot himself! He was sittin' there on his piazza advisin' Mrs.
Brown to make her pound-cake by sayin' 'One, two, three, Mother caught a
flea,' the flea bein' the butter, an' Mrs. Macy says it was plain to be
seen as he was n't a bit pleased at her comin' in that way to have his
memory system applied to her backward.
"She says after that she went home to the duck madder 'n ever an' put on
her felt slippers an' made up her mind as she'd make up for her lost day
by rippin' up her old carpets, an' that was the crownin' pyramid in her
Egyptian darkness, for it's the carpet as has ended her."
"Oh--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.
"Oh, she's alive," said Susan, "but she ain't much more 'n alive, an'
it's a wonder that she's that, an' it would be very bad for her if she
was n't, for young Dr. Brown says she can die fifty times before he'll
ever go near her again. He's awful mad an' he's got a bad bump on his
nose too where he fell over her, an' Mrs. Sweet's got to stay in bed
three days too for her arm where she dislocated it jerkin'--although
goodness knows what she tried jerkin' for--for I'd as soon think of
tryin' to jerk a elephant from under a whale as to try to jerk Mrs. Macy
from under a carpet. An' even with it all they could n't get her up an'
had to get the blacksmith's crowbar an' pry, an' Mrs. Sweet says if any
one doubts as pryin' is painful they'd ought to of been there to hear
Mrs. Macy an' see Hiram an' the blacksmith."
"But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"I'm goin' to tell you if you'll just keep still a little longer an' let
me get through to the end," said her friend. "I got this part all back
an' forth an' upside down from Mrs. Sweet while I was takin' her home by
the other arm. Oh, my, but it's awful about her, for she was preservin'
an' wanted a extra cullender an' lost her right arm in consequence. I
hope her experience 'll be a lesson to you, Mrs. Lathrop, for it's been
such a lesson to me that I may mention right here an' now 't if I ever
hear you hollerin' I shall put for the opposite direction as quick as I
can for I would n't never take no chances at gettin' dislocated like
Mrs. Sweet is--not if I knew it. Young Dr. Brown says she's decapitated
the angular connection between her collar bone an' somewhere else, an'
she says she can well believe it judgin' from the way her ear keeps
shootin' into her wrist an' back again."
"But--" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know how Mrs. Macy always was forever given to
economizin'. I don't say as economizin' is any sin, but I will say as
Mrs. Macy's ways of economizin' is sometimes most singular an' to-day's
a example of that. Economy's all right as long as you economize out of
yourself, but when it takes in Mrs. Sweet an' bumps young Dr. Brown I've
no patience--no more 'n Mrs. Sweet an' young Dr. Brown has. Young Dr.
Brown says it looks awful to have a black eye an' no reason for it
except fallin' over a carpet. He says when he explains as Mrs. Macy was
under the carpet no one is goin' to think it any thin' but funny, an' he
says a doctor must n't be hurt funny ways. Mrs. Sweet don't feel to
blame herself none for her arm 'cause she jerked like she does
everythin' else, with her whole heart, an' she says she did so want to
set her up that she tried harder an' harder every jerk.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to go 'way back to the beginnin', seems as Mrs.
Macy set out last night, as I said before, to make over her carpet.
Seems as she wanted to turn it all around so's it'd fade away under the
stove an' fray out in the corner where it don't show. I don't say as the
idea was n't a good one--although it's come pretty hard on Mrs.
Sweet--but anyhow, good or no good, she dug up the tacks last night an'
ripped the widths an' set down to sew this mornin'. Her story is as she
turned the duck out to pasture right after breakfast an' then went to
work an' sewed away as happy as a bean until about ten o'clock. Then she
felt most awful tired from the rippin' an' yesterday an' all, so she
thought she'd rest a little. Seems as her legs was all done up in the
carpet an' gettin' out was hard so she thought she'd just lay back on
the floor. Seems she lay back suddener than she really intended an' as
she hit the floor, she was _took_.
"She give a yell an' she says she kept on givin' yells for one solid
hour, an' no one come. She says as no words can ever tell how awful it
was, for every yell sent a pain like barbed wire lightnin' forkin' an'
knifin' all ways through her. No one heard her, for the blacksmith was
shoein' a mule on one side of her an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy was
discussin' Hiram on the other. You know what a mule is to shoe, Mrs.
Lathrop, an' you know what Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy is when they take to
discussin' Hiram. I'll take my Bible oath as when Gran'ma Mullins an'
Lucy gets to discussin' Hiram they couldn't hear no steam penelope out
of a circus, not if it was settin' full tilt right on their very own
door-mat. So poor Mrs. Macy laid there an' hollered till Mrs. Sweet came
for the cullender.
"Mrs. Sweet says, _the_ shock she got when she opened the door an' see
Mrs. Macy with the carpet on her was enough to upset anybody.
"She says she thought at first as Mrs. Macy was tryin' to take up her
carpet by crawlin' under it an' makin' the tacks come out that way. But
then she see as her face was up an' of course no Christian'd ever crawl
under no carpet with her face up. So she asked her what was the matter,
an' Mrs. Macy told her frank an' open as she did n't know what was the
matter. Then Mrs. Sweet went to work an' tried to set her up. An' she
says the way she yelled!
"She says she jerked her by the arms, an' by the legs, an' even by the
head, an' her howls only grew awfuler an' awfuler. Mrs. Macy says as her
agonies was terrible every time she slid a little along, an' she just
begged an' prayed for her to go an' get young Dr. Brown. So finally Mrs.
Sweet ran next door an' separated Lucy an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy went
for young Dr. Brown an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Mrs. Sweet went for Mrs.
Macy. Oh, my, but their story is as they jerked hard then, for they
wanted her to be respectable in bed afore he came, but it was no use an'
he bounced in an' fell over Mrs. Macy an' the carpet afore his eyes got
used to where he was. They had to help him up an' then he had to go in
the kitchen an' disinfect his bump afore he could take a look at Mrs.
Macy. But seems he got around to her at last an' felt her pulse an' then
as he'd forgot his kinetoscope he just pounded her softly all over with
the tack-hammer, but he did n't find out nothin' that way for she yelled
wherever he hit her. He said then as he'd like to turn X-rays through
her, only as there is n't no cellar under her house just there there'd
be no way to get a picture of the other side of what was the matter with
her.
"So he said she _must_ be got up, an' although she howled as she could
n't be, he had Lucy an' Hiram an' the blacksmith's crowbar an' the
blacksmith, an' it was plain as she'd have to come whether nor no. Mrs.
Sweet says it was surely a sight to see. They put the crowbar across a
footstool, an' Hiram jerked on the other side at the same time, an' with
a yell like Judgment Day they sat her up.
"An' what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop? What _do_ you think? There was a
tack stickin' square in the middle of her back!
"Oh, my, but young Dr. Brown was awful mad! Mr. Kimball says he guesses
he's got suthin' out of somebody now as he won't care to preserve in
alcohol for a ornament to his mantelpiece. Hiram is mad, too, for he was
goin' over to Meadville to fan a baseball team this afternoon an' he
says Mrs. Macy has used up all his fannin' muscle. An' Lucy's mad 'cause
she says she was way ahead of Gran'ma Mullins in what they were talkin'
about an' now she's forgotten what that was. But Gran'ma Mullins was
maddest of all when she found out about the duck, 'cause it seems as
Drusilla Cobb's husband was a relation of hers an' as a consequence she
never could bear Drusilla, so I said I'd take the duck."
"What--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"I shall fat him an' eat him."
"An' what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, further.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you that: Mrs. Macy hunted up the magazine an'
looked 'em up an' for a fact it was Kulosis after all. As soon as she
see it she remembered the four noses an' all, but she says she was too
done up to go any further at the minister just then."
"Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, finally.
"I don't know, an' I don't care anyhow, an' I ain't goin' to catch no
spider for the sake of findin' out. He'll eat just as well as she will,
I reckon, an' if I have any doubts, my ways of settlin' 'em 'll be by
parboilin' instead of spiders."
So saying Susan rose, sought her duck, and departed.