CHAPTER I.--PAINTING--Tools used._How to Behave: A Pocket Manual of Republican Etiquette, and Guide to Correct Personal Habits Embracing an Exposition of the Principles of Good Manners; Useful Hints on the Care of the Person, Eating, Drinking, Exercise, Habits, Dress, Self-culture, and Behavior at Home; the Etiquette of Salutations, Introductions, Receptions, Visits, Dinners, Evening Parties, Conversation, Letters, Presents, Weddings, Funerals, the Street, the Church, Places of Amusement, Traveling, Etc., with Illustrative Anecdotes, a Chapter on Love and Courtship, and Rules of Order for Debating Societies

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_HAND-BOOKS FOR HOME IMPROVEMENT--No. III_

HOW TO BEHAVE

A POCKET MANUAL

Republican Etiquette,

AND

GUIDE TO CORRECT PERSONAL HABITS,

EMBRACING

AN EXPOSITION OF THE PRINCIPLES OF GOOD MANNERS; USEFUL HINTS ON THE

CARE OF THE PERSON, EATING, DRINKING, EXERCISE, HABITS, DRESS,

SELF-CULTURE, AND BEHAVIOR AT HOME; THE ETIQUETTE OF SALUTATIONS,

INTRODUCTIONS, RECEPTIONS, VISITS, DINNERS, EVENING PARTIES,

CONVERSATION, LETTERS, PRESENTS, WEDDINGS, FUNERALS, THE STREET, THE

CHURCH, PLACES OF AMUSEMENT, TRAVELING, ETC.,

WITH

Illustrative Anecdotes, a Chapter on Love and Courtship, and Rules of

Order for Debating Societies.

[Signature: Samuel R. (Roberts) Wells]

The air and manner which we neglect, as little things, are

frequently what the world judges us by, and makes them decide

for or against us.--_La Bruyere._ Order my steps in thy

word.--_Bible._

NEW YORK:

FOWLER & WELLS CO., PUBLISHERS,

753 BROADWAY.

1887.

ENTERED, ACCORDING TO ACT OF CONGRESS IN THE YEAR 1857 BY

FOWLER AND WELLS

IN THE CLERK'S OFFICE OF THE DISTRICT COURT OF THE UNITED

STATES FOR THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

Politeness Defined--The Foundation of Good Manners--The Civil

Code and the Code of Civility--The Instinct of Courtesy--

Chesterfield's Method--The Golden Rule--American Politeness--

Utility of Good Manners Illustrated. Page ix

I.--PERSONAL HABITS.

Where to Commence--Care of the Person a Social Duty--Cleanliness--

The Daily Bath--Soap and Water--The Feet--Change of Linen--The

Nails--The Head--The Teeth--The Breath--Eating and Drinking--What

to Eat--When to Eat--How much to Eat--What to Drink--Breathing--

Exercise--The Complexion--Tobacco--Spitting--Gin and Gentility--

Onions, etc.--Little Things 15

II.--DRESS.

The Meaning of Dress--The Uses of Dress--Fitness the First

Essential--The Art of Dress--The Short Dress for Ladies--

Working-Dress for Gentlemen--Ornaments--Materials for Dress--Mrs.

Manners on Dress--The Hair and Beard--Art _vs._ Fashion--Signs of

the Good Time Coming 31

III.--SELF-CULTURE.

Moral and Social Training--Cultivation of Language--Position and

Movement--The Ease and Grace of Childhood--Standing--Sitting--

Walking--Hints to the Ladies--Self-Command--Observation--Practical

Lesson 42

IV.--FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES.

Manners and Morals--Human Rights--Duties--The Rights of the

Senses--The Faculties and their Claims--Expression of

Opinions--The Sacredness of Privacy--Conformity--Singing out of

Tune--Doing as the Romans Do--Courtesy _vs._ Etiquette--An

Anecdote--Harmony--Equality--A Remark to be Remembered--General

Principles more Important than Particular Observances 48

V.--DOMESTIC MANNERS.

A Test of Good Manners--Good Behavior at Home--American

Children--Teaching Children to be Polite--Behavior to

Parents--Brothers and Sisters--Husband and Wife--Married

Lovers--Entertaining Guests--Letting your Guests Alone--Making

one "at Home"--Making Apologies--Duties of Guests--Treatment of

Servants--Rights of Servants--"Thank You" 56

VI.--THE OBSERVANCES OF EVERY-DAY LIFE.

Introductions--Letters of Introduction--Speaking without an

Introduction--Salutations--Receptions--Visits and Calls--Table

Manners--Conversations--Chesterfield on Conversation--Music--

Letters and Notes--Up and Down Stairs--Which Goes First?--An

American Habit--Gloved or Ungloved?--Equality--False Shame--

Pulling out one's Watch--Husband and Wife--Bowing _vs._

Curtseying--Presents--Snobbery--Children 64

VII.--ETIQUETTE OF OCCASIONS.

Dinner Parties--Invitations--Dress--Punctuality--Going to the

Table--Arrangement of Guests--Duties of the Host--Duties of the

Guests--The "Grace"--Eating Soup--Fish--The Third Course--What

to do with your Knife and Fork--Declining Wine--Finger Glasses--

Carving--Evening Parties and their Observances--French Leave--

Sports and Games--Promiscuous Kissing--Dancing--Christmas--The

New Year--Thanksgiving--Birthdays--Excursions and Picnics--

Weddings--Funerals 83

VIII.--THE ETIQUETTE OF PLACES.

How to Behave on the Street--Stopping Business Men on the Street--

Walking with Ladies--Shopping--At Church--At Places of Amusement--

In a Picture Gallery--The Presence--Traveling--The Rush for

Places--The Rights of Fellow-Travelers--Giving up Seats to the

Ladies--A Hint to the Ladies on Politeness--Paying Fares 100

IX.--LOVE AND COURTSHIP.

Boyish Loves--The Proper Age to Marry--Waiting for a Fortune--

Importance of Understanding Physiological Laws--Earnestness and

Sincerity in Love--Particular Attentions--Presents--Confidants--

Declarations--Asking "Pa"--Refusals--Engagement--Breaking Off--

Marriage 110

X.--PARLIAMENTARY ETIQUETTE.

Courtesy in Debate--Origin of the Parliamentary Code--Rules of

Order--Motions--Speaking--Submitting a Question--Voting--A

Quorum The Democratic Principle--Privileged Questions--Order of

Business--Order of Debate 116

XI.--MISCELLANEOUS MATTERS.

Republican Distinctions--Natural Inequalities--American Toad

Eaters--General Lack of Reverence for Real Nobility--City and

Country--Imported Manners--Fictitious Titles--A Mirror for

Certain Men--Washington's Code of Manners--Our Social Uniform--A

Hint to the Ladies--An Obliging Disposition--Securing a

Home--Taste _vs._ Fashion--Special Claims--Propriety of

Deportment--False Pride--Awkwardness of being Dressed 124

XII.--MAXIMS FROM CHESTERFIELD.

Cheerfulness and Good Humor--The Art of Pleasing--Adaptation of

Manners--Bad Habits--Do what you are About--People who Never

Learn--Local Manners--How to Confer Favors--How to Refuse--

Spirit--Civility to Women 135

XIII.--ILLUSTRATIVE ANECDOTES.

Elder Blunt and Sister Scrub Taking off the Hat, or John and his

Employer--A Learned Man at Table--English Women in High Life--

"Say so, if you Please" 139

PREFACE.

This is an honest and earnest little book, if it has no other merit;

and has been prepared expressly for the use of the young people of our

great Republic, whom it is designed to aid in becoming, what we are

convinced they all desire to be, true American ladies and gentlemen.

Desiring to make our readers something better than mere imitators of

foreign manners, often based on social conditions radically different

from our own--something better than imitators of _any_ manners, in

fact, we have dwelt at greater length and with far more emphasis upon

general principles, than upon special observances, though the latter

have their place in our work. It has been our first object to impress

upon their minds the fact, that good manners and good morals rest upon

the same basis, and that justice and benevolence can no more be

satisfied without the one than without the other.

As in the other numbers of this series of Hand-Books, so in this, we

have aimed at usefulness rather than originality; but our plan being

radically different from that of most other manuals of etiquette, we

have been able to avail ourself to only a very limited extent of the

labors of others, except in the matter of mere conventional forms.

Sensible of the imperfections of our work, but hoping that it will do

some acceptable service in the cause of good manners, and aid, in a

humble way, in the building up of a truly American and republican

school of politeness, we now submit it, with great deference, to a

discerning public.

INTRODUCTION.

Some one has defined politeness as "only an elegant form of justice;"

but it is something more. It is the result of the combined action of

all the moral and social feelings, guided by judgment and refined by

taste. It requires the exercise of benevolence, veneration (in its

human aspect), adhesiveness, and ideality, as well as of

conscientiousness. It is the spontaneous recognition of human

solidarity--the flowering of philanthropy--the fine art of the social

passions. It is to the heart what music is to the ear, and painting

and sculpture to the eye.

One can not commit a greater mistake than to make politeness a mere

matter of arbitrary forms. It has as real and permanent a foundation

in the nature and relations of men and women, as have government and

the common law. The civil code is not more binding upon us than is the

code of civility. Portions of the former become, from time to time,

inoperative--mere dead letters on the statute-book, on account of the

conditions on which they were founded ceasing to exist; and many of

the enactments of the latter lose their significance and binding force

from the same cause. Many of the forms now in vogue, in what is called

fashionable society, are of this character. Under the circumstances

which called them into existence they were appropriate and beautiful;

under changed circumstances they are simply absurd. There are other

forms of observances over which time and place have no influence--which

are always and everywhere binding.

Politeness itself is always the same. The rules of etiquette, which

are merely the forms in which it finds expression, vary with time and

place. A sincere regard for the rights of others, in the smallest

matters as well as the largest, genuine kindness of heart; good taste,

and self-command, which are the foundations of good manners, are never

out of fashion; and a person who possesses them can hardly be rude or

discourteous, however far he may transgress conventional usages:

lacking these qualities, the most perfect knowledge of the rules of

etiquette and the strictest observance of them will not suffice to

make one truly polite.

"Politeness," says La Bruyere, "seems to be a certain care, by the

manner of our words and actions, to make others pleased with us and

themselves." This definition refers the matter directly to those

qualities of mind and heart already enumerated as the foundations of

good manners. To the same effect is the remark of Madame Celnart, that

"the grand secret of never-failing propriety of deportment is _to have

an intention of always doing right_."

Some persons have the "instinct of courtesy" so largely developed that

they seem hardly to need culture at all. They are equal to any

occasion, however novel. They never commit blunders, or if they do

commit them, they seem not to be blunders in them. So there are those

who sing, speak, or draw intuitively--by inspiration. The great

majority of us, however, must be content to acquire these arts by

study and practice. In the same way we must acquire the art of

behavior, so far as behavior is an art. We must possess, in the first

place, a sense of equity, good-will toward our fellow-men, kind

feelings, magnanimity and self-control. Cultivation will do the rest.

But we most never forget that manners as well as morals are founded on

certain eternal principles, and that while "the _letter_ killeth,"

"the _spirit_ giveth _life_."

The account which Lord Chesterfield gives of the method by which he

acquired the reputation of being the most polished man in England, is

a strong example of the efficacy of practice, in view of which no one

need despair. He was naturally singularly deficient in that grace

which afterward so distinguished him. "I had a strong desire," he

says, "to please, and was sensible that I had nothing but the desire.

I therefore resolved, if possible, to acquire the means too. I studied

attentively and minutely the dress, the air, the manner, the address,

and the turn of conversation of all those whom I found to be the

people in fashion, and most generally allowed to please. I imitated

them as well as I could: if I heard that one man was reckoned

remarkably genteel, I carefully watched his dress, motions, and

attitudes, and formed my own upon them. When I heard of another whose

conversation was agreeable and engaging I listened and attended to the

turn of it. I addressed myself, though _de tres mauvaise grace_ [with

a very bad grace], to all the most fashionable fine ladies; confessed

and laughed with them at my own awkwardness and rawness, recommending

myself as an object for them to try their skill in forming."

Lord Bacon says: "To attain good manners it almost sufficeth not to

despise them, and that if a man labor too much to express them, he

shall lose their grace, which is to be natural and unaffected."

To these testimonies we may add the observation of La Rochefoucauld,

that "in manners there are no good copies, for besides that the copy

is almost always clumsy or exaggerated, the air which is suited to one

person sits ill upon another."

The greater must have been the genius of Chesterfield which enabled

him to make the graces of others his own, appropriating them only so

far as they _fitted him_, instead of blindly and servilely imitating

his models.

C. P. Bronson truly says: "In politeness, as in every thing else

connected with the formation of character, we are too apt to begin on

the outside, instead of the inside; instead of beginning with the

heart, and trusting to that to form the manners, many begin with the

manners, and leave the heart to chance and influences. The golden rule

contains the very life and soul of politeness: 'Do unto others as you

would they should do unto you.' Unless children and youth are taught,

by precept and example, to abhor what is selfish, and prefer another's

pleasure and comfort to their own, their politeness will be entirely

artificial, and used only when interest and policy dictate. True

politeness is perfect freedom and ease, treating others just as you

love to be treated. Nature is always graceful: affectation, with all

her art, can never produce any thing half so pleasing. The very

perfection of elegance is to imitate nature; how much better to have

the reality than the imitation! Anxiety about the opinions of others

fetters the freedom of nature and tends to awkwardness; all would

appear well if they never tried to assume what they do not possess."

A writer in _Life Illustrated_, to whose excellent observations on

etiquette we shall have further occasion to refer, contends that the

instinct of courtesy is peculiarly strong in the American people. "It

is shown," he says, "in the civility which marks our intercourse with

one another. It is shown in the deference which is universally paid to

the presence of the gentler sex. It is shown in the excessive fear

which prevails among us of offending public opinion. It is shown in

the very extravagances of our costume and decoration, in our lavish

expenditures upon house and equipage. It is shown in the avidity with

which every new work is bought and read which pretends to lay down

the laws that govern the behavior of circles supposed to be, _par

excellence_, polite. It is shown in the fact, that, next to calling a

man a liar, the most offensive and stinging of all possible

expressions is, 'You are no gentleman!'"

He claims that this is a national trait, and expresses the belief that

every uncorrupt American man desires to be, and to be thought, a

gentleman; that every uncorrupt American woman desires to be, and to

be thought, a lady.

"But," he adds, "the instinct of courtesy is not enough, nor is

opportunity equivalent to possession. The truth is palpable, that our

men are not all gentlemen, nor our women all ladies, nor our children

all docile and obliging. In that small and insignificant circle which

is called 'Society,' which, small and insignificant as it is, gives

the tone to the manners of the nation, the chief efforts seem to be,

to cleanse the outside of the platter, to conceal defects by gloss and

glitter. Its theory of politeness and its maxims of behavior are drawn

from a state of things so different from that which here prevails,

that they produce in us little besides an exaggerated ungracefulness,

a painful constraint, a complete artificiality of conduct and

character. We are trying to shine in borrowed plumes. We would glisten

with foreign varnish. To produce an _effect_ is our endeavor. We

prefer to _act_, rather than _live_. The politeness which is based on

sincerity, good-will, self-conquest, and a minute, habitual regard for

the rights of others, is not, we fear, the politeness which finds

favor in the saloons upon which the upholsterer has exhausted the

resources of his craft. Yet without possessing, in a certain degree,

the qualities we have named, no man ever did, and no man ever will,

become a gentleman. Where they do not bear sway, society may be

brilliant in garniture, high in pretension, but it is intrinsically

and incurably _vulgar_!"

The utility of good manners is universally acknowledged perhaps, but

the extent to which genuine courtesy may be made to contribute to our

success as well as our happiness is hardly realized. We can not more

satisfactorily illustrate this point than by quoting the following

lesson of experience from the Autobiography of the late Dr. Caldwell,

the celebrated physician and phrenologist:

"In the year 1825 I made, in London, in a spirit of wager, a decisive

and satisfactory experiment as to the effect of civil and courteous

manners on people of various ranks and descriptions.

"There were in a place a number of young Americans, who often

complained to me of the neglect and rudeness experienced by them from

citizens to whom they spoke in the streets. They asserted, in

particular, that as often as they requested directions to any point in

the city toward which they were proceeding, they either received an

uncivil and evasive answer, or none at all. I told them that my

experience on the same subject had been exceedingly different: that I

had never failed to receive a civil reply to my questions--often

communicating the information requested: and that I could not help

suspecting that their failure to receive similar answers arose, in

part at least, if not entirely, to the plainness, not to say the

bluntness, of their manner in making their inquiries. The correctness

of this charge, however, they sturdily denied, asserting that their

manner of asking for information was good enough for those to whom

they addressed themselves. Unable to convince them by words of the

truth of my suspicions, I proposed to them the following simple and

conclusive experiment:

"'Let us take together a walk of two or three hours in some of the

public streets of the city. You shall yourselves designate the persons

to whom I shall propose questions, and the subjects also to which the

question shall relate; and the only restriction imposed is, that no

question shall be proposed to any one who shall appear to be greatly

hurried, agitated, distressed, or any other way deeply preoccupied, in

mind or body, and no one shall speak to the person questioned but

myself.'

"My proposition being accepted, out we sallied, and to work we went;

and I continued my experiment until my young friends surrendered at

discretion, frankly acknowledging that my opinion was right, and

theirs, of course was wrong; and that, in our passage through life,

courtesy of address and deportment may be made both a pleasant and

powerful means to attain our ends and gratify our wishes.

"I put questions to more than twenty persons of every rank, from the

high-bred gentleman to the servant in livery, and received in every

instance a satisfactory reply. If the information asked for was not

imparted, the individual addressed gave an assurance of his at being

unable to communicate it.

"What seemed to surprise my friends was, that the individuals accosted

by me almost uniformly imitated my own manner. If I uncovered my head,

as I did in speaking to a gentleman, or even to a man of ordinary

appearance and breeding, he did the same in his reply; and when I

touched my hat to a liveried coachman or waiting man, his hat was

immediately under his arm. So much may be done, and such advantages

gained, by simply avoiding coarseness and vulgarity, and being well

bred and agreeable. Nor can the case be otherwise. For the foundation

of good breeding is good nature and good sense--two of the most useful

and indispensable attributes of a well-constituted mind. Let it not be

forgotten, however, that good breeding is not to be regarded as

identical with politeness--a mistake which is too frequently, if not

generally, committed. A person may be exceedingly polite without the

much higher and more valuable accomplishment of good breeding."

Believing that the natural qualities essential to the character of the

gentleman or the lady exist in a high degree among our countrymen and

countrywomen, and that they universally desire to develop these

qualities, and to add to them the necessary knowledge of all the truly

significant and living forms and usages of good society, we have

written the work now before you. We have not the vanity to believe

that the mere reading of it will, of itself, convert an essentially

vulgar person into a lady or a gentleman; but we do hope that we have

furnished those who most need it with available and efficient aid; and

in this hope we dedicate this little "Manual of Republican Etiquette"

to all who are, or would be, in the highest sense of these terms,

TRUE REPUBLICAN LADIES OR GENTLEMEN

HOW TO BEHAVE.

PERSONAL HABITS.

Attention to the person is the first necessity of good

manners.--_Anon._

I.--WHERE TO COMMENCE.

If you wish to commence aright the study of manners, you must make

your own person the first lesson. If you neglect this you will apply

yourself to those which follow with very little profit. Omit,

therefore, any other chapter in the book rather than this.

The proper care and adornment of the person is a social as well as an

individual duty. You have a right to go about with unwashed hands and

face, and to wear soiled and untidy garments, perhaps, but you have no

right to offend the senses of others by displaying such hands, face,

and garments in society. Other people have rights as well as yourself,

and no right of yours can extend so far as to infringe theirs.

But we may safely assume that no reader of these pages wishes to

render himself disgusting or even disagreeable or to cut himself off

from the society of his fellow-men. We address those who seek social

intercourse and desire to please. _They_ will not think our words

amiss, even though they may seem rather "personal;" since we have

their highest good in view, and speak in the most friendly spirit.

Those who do not need our hints and suggestions under this head, and

to whom none of our remarks may apply, will certainly have the

courtesy to excuse them for the sake of those to whom they will be

useful.

II.--CLEANLINESS.

"Cleanliness is akin to godliness," it is said. It is not less closely

related to gentility. First of all, then, keep yourself scrupulously

clean--not your hands and face merely, but your whole person, from the

crown of your head to the sole of your foot. Silk stockings may hide

dirty feet and ankles from the eye, but they often reveal themselves

to another sense, when the possessor little dreams of such an

exposure. It is far better to dress coarsely and out of fashion and be

strictly clean, than to cover a dirty skin with the finest and richest

clothing. A coarse shirt or a calico dress is not necessarily vulgar,

but dirt is essentially so. We do not here refer, of course, to one's

condition while engaged in his or her industrial occupation. Soiled

hands and even a begrimed face are badges of honor in the field, the

workshop, or the kitchen, but in a country in which soap and water

abound, there is no excuse for carrying them into the parlor or the

dining-room.

A clean skin is as essential to health, beauty, and personal comfort

as it is to decency; and without health and that perfect freedom from

physical disquiet which comes only from the normal action of all the

functions of the bodily organs, your behavior can never be

satisfactory to yourself or agreeable to others. Let us urge you,

then, to give this matter your first attention.

1. _The Daily Bath._

To keep clean you must bathe frequently. In the first place you should

wash the whole body with pure soft water every morning on rising from

your bed, rubbing it till dry with a coarse towel, and afterward using

friction with the hands. If you have not been at all accustomed to

cold bathing, commence with tepid water, lowering the temperature by

degrees till that which is perfectly cold becomes agreeable. In warm

weather, comfort and cleanliness alike require still more frequent

bathing. Mohammed made frequent ablutions a religious duty; and in

that he was right. The rank and fetid odors which exhale from a foul

skin can hardly be neutralized by the sweetest incense of devotion.

2. _Soap and Water._

But the daily bath of which we have spoken is not sufficient. In

addition to the pores from which exudes the watery fluid called

perspiration, the skin is furnished with innumerable minute openings,

known as the sebaceous follicles, which pour over its surface a thin

limpid oil anointing it and rendering it soft and supple; but also

causing the dust as well as the effete matter thrown out by the pores

to adhere, and, if allowed to accumulate, finally obstructing its

functions and causing disease. It also, especially in warm weather,

emits an exceedingly disagreeable odor. Pure cold water will not

wholly remove these oily accumulations. The occasional use of soap and

warm or tepid water is therefore necessary; but all washings with

soapy or warm water should be followed by a thorough rinsing with pure

cold water. Use good, fine soap. The common coarser kinds are

generally too strongly alkaline and have an unpleasant effect upon the

skin.

3. _The Feet._

The feet are particularly liable to become offensively odoriferous,

especially when the perspiration is profuse. Frequent washings with

cold water, with the occasional use of warm water and soap, are

absolutely necessary to cleanliness.

4. _Change of Linen._

A frequent change of linen is another essential of cleanliness. It

avails little to wash the body if we inclose it the next minute in

soiled garments. It is not in the power of every one to wear fine and

elegant clothes, but we can all, under ordinary circumstances, afford

clean shirts, drawers, and stockings. Never sleep in any garment worn

during the day; and your night-dress should be well aired every

morning.

5. _The Nails._

You will not, of course, go into company, or sit down to the table,

with soiled hands, but unless you habituate yourself to a special care

of them, more or less dirt will be found lodged under the nails. Clean

them carefully every time you wash your hands, and keep them smoothly

and evenly cut. If you allow them to get too long they are liable to

be broken off, and become uneven and ragged, and if you pare them too

closely they fail to protect the ends of the fingers.

6. _The Head._

The head is more neglected, perhaps, than any other part of the body.

The results are not less disastrous here than elsewhere. Dandruff

forms, dust accumulates, the scalp becomes diseased, the hair grows

dry, and falls off and if the evil be not remedied, premature baldness

ensues. The head should be thoroughly washed as often as cleanliness

demands. This will not injure the hair, as many suppose, but, on the

contrary, will promote its growth and add to its beauty. If soap is

used, however, it should be carefully rinsed off. If the hair is

carefully and _thoroughly_ brushed every morning, it will not require

very frequent washings. If the scalp be kept in a healthy condition

the hair will be moist, glossy, and luxuriant, and no oil or hair wash

will be required; and these preparations generally do more harm than

good. Night-caps are most unwholesome and uncleanly contrivances, and

should be discarded altogether. They keep the head unnaturally warm,

shut out the fresh air, and shut in those natural exhalations which

should be allowed to pass off, and thus weaken the hair and render it

more liable to fall off. Ladies may keep their hair properly together

during repose by wearing a _net_ over it.

7. _The Teeth._

Do not forget the teeth. Cleanliness, health, a pure breath, and the

integrity and durability of those organs require that they be

thoroughly and effectually scoured with the tooth-brush dipped in soft

water, with the addition of a little soap, if necessary, every

morning. Brush them outside and inside, and in every possible

direction. You can not be too careful in this matter. After brushing

rinse your mouth with cold water. A slighter brushing should be given

them after each meal. Use an ivory tooth-pick or a quill to remove any

particles of food that may be lodged between the teeth.

There are, no doubt, original differences in teeth, as in other parts

of the human system, some being more liable to decay than others; but

the simple means we have pointed out, if adopted in season and

perseveringly applied, will preserve almost any teeth, in all their

usefulness and reality, till old age. If yours have been neglected,

and some of them are already decayed, hasten to preserve the

remainder. While you have _any_ teeth left, it is never too late to

begin to take care of them; and if you have children, do not, we

entreat you, neglect _their_ teeth. If the first or temporary teeth

are cared for and preserved, they will be mainly absorbed by the

second or permanent ones, and will drop out of themselves. The others,

in that case, will come out regular and even.

Beware of the teeth-powders, teeth-washes, and the like, advertised in

the papers. They are often even more destructive to the teeth than the

substances they are intended to remove. If any teeth-powder is

required, pure powdered charcoal is the best thing you can procure;

but if the teeth are kept clean, in the way we have directed, there

will be little occasion for any other dentrifices than pure water and

a little soap. Your tooth-brushes should be rather soft; those which

are too hard injuring both the teeth and the gums.

8. _The Breath._

A bad breath arises more frequently than otherwise from neglected and

decayed teeth. If it is occasioned by a foul stomach, a pure diet,

bathing, water injections, and a general attention to the laws of

health are required for its removal.

III.--EATING AND DRINKING.

Whatever has a bearing upon health has at least an indirect connection

with manners; the reader will therefore excuse us for introducing here

a few remarks which may seem, at the first glance, rather irrelevant.

Sound lungs, a healthy liver, and a good digestion are as essential to

the right performance of our social duties as they are to our own

personal comfort; therefore a few words on eating and drinking, as

affecting these, will not be out of place.

1. _What to Eat._

An unperverted appetite is the highest authority in matters of diet.

In fact, its decisions should be considered final, and without the

privilege of appeal. Nature makes no mistakes.

The plant selects from the soil which its roots permeate, the chemical

elements necessary to its growth and perfect development, rejecting

with unerring certainty every particle which would prove harmful or

useless. The wild animal chooses with equal certainty the various

kinds of food adapted to the wants of its nature, never poisoning

itself by eating or drinking any thing inimical to its life and

health. The sense of taste and the wants of the system act in perfect

harmony. So it should be with man. That which most perfectly gratifies

the appetite should be the best adapted to promote health, strength,

and beauty.

But appetite, like all the other instincts or feelings of our nature,

is liable to become perverted, and to lead us astray. We acquire a

relish for substances which are highly hurtful, such as tobacco,

ardent spirits, malt liquors, and the like. We have "sought out many

inventions," to pander to false and fatal tastes, and too often eat,

not to sustain life and promote the harmonious development of the

system, but to poison the very fountains of our being and implant in

our blood the seeds of disease.

Attend to the demands of appetite, but use all your judgment in

determining whether it is a natural, undepraved craving of the system

which speaks, or an acquired and vicious taste, and give or withhold

accordingly; and, above all, never eat when you have _no appetite_.

Want of appetite is equivalent to the most authoritative command to

_eat nothing_, and we disregard it at our peril. Food, no matter how

wholesome, taken into our stomachs under such circumstances, instead

of being digested and appropriated, becomes rank poison. _Eating

without appetite is one of the most fatal of common errors._

We have no room, even if we had the ability and the desire, to discuss

the comparative merits of the two opposing systems of diet--the

vegetarian and the mixed. We shall consider the question of

flesh-eating an open one.

Your food should be adapted to the climate, season, and your

occupation. In the winter and in northern climates a larger proportion

of the fatty or carboniferous elements are required than in summer and

in southern latitudes. The Esquimaux, in his snow-built hut, swallows

immense quantities of train-oil, without getting the dyspepsia; still,

we do not recommend train-oil as an article of diet; neither can we

indorse the eating of pork in any form; but these things are far less

hurtful in winter than in summer, and to those who labor in the open

air than to the sedentary.

Live well. A generous diet promotes vitality and capability for

action. "Good cheer is friendly to health." But do not confound a

generous diet with what is usually called "rich" food. Let all your

dishes be nutritious, but plain, simple, and wholesome. Avoid highly

seasoned viands and very greasy food at all times, but particularly in

warm weather, also too much nutriment in the highly condensed forms of

sugar, syrup, honey, and the like.

If you eat flesh, partake sparingly of it especially in summer. We

Americans are the greatest flesh-eaters in the world, and it is not

unreasonable to believe that there may be some connection between this

fact and the equally notorious one that we are the most unhealthy

people in the world. An untold amount of disease results from the too

free use of flesh during the hot months. Heat promotes putrefaction;

and as this change in meat is very rapid in warm weather, we can not

be too careful not to eat that which is in the slightest degree

tainted. Even when it goes into the stomach in a normal condition,

there is danger; for if too much is eaten, or the digestive organs are

not sufficiently strong and active, the process of putrefaction may

commence in the stomach and diffuse a subtle poison through the whole

system.

_Hot_ biscuits; _hot_ griddle cakes, saturated with butter and

Stuart's syrup; and _hot_ coffee, scarcely modified at all by the

small quantity of milk usually added, are among the most deleterious

articles ever put upon a table. While these continue to be the staples

of our breakfasts, healthy stomachs and clear complexions will be rare

among us. Never eat or drink _any thing_ HOT.

Good bread is an unexceptionable article of diet. The best is made of

unbolted wheat flour. A mixture of wheat and rye flour, or of corn

meal with either, makes excellent bread. The meal and flour should be

freshly ground; they deteriorate by being kept long. If raised or

fermented bread is required, hop yeast is the best ferment that can be

used. [For complete directions for bread-making, see Dr. Trall's

"Hydropathic Cook-Book."]

The exclusive use of fine or bolted flour for bread, biscuits, and

cakes of all kinds, is exceedingly injurious to health. The _lignin_

or woody fiber which forms the bran of grains is just as essential to

a perfect and healthful nutrition as are starch, sugar, gum, and

fibrin, and the rejection of this element is one of the most

mischievous errors of modern cookery.

Johnny-cake, or corn bread, is an excellent article, which is not yet

fully appreciated. It is palatable and wholesome. Hominy, samp,

cracked wheat, oatmeal mush, and boiled rice should have a high place

on your list of edibles. Beans and peas should be more generally eaten

than they are. They are exceedingly nutritious, and very palatable. In

New England, "pork and beans" hold the place of honor, but elsewhere

in this country they are almost unknown. Leaving out the pork (which,

personally, we hold in more than Jewish abhorrence), nothing can be

better, provided they are eaten in moderation and with a proper

proportion of less nutritious food. They should be well baked in pure,

soft water. A sufficient quantity of salt to season them, with the

addition of a little sweet milk, cream, or butter while baking, leaves

nothing to be desired. If meat is wanted, however, a slice of

beefsteak, laid upon the surface, will serve a better purpose than

pork. Potatoes, beets, turnips, carrots, parsneps, and cabbages are

good in their place.

But Nature indicates very plainly that fruits and berries, in their

season, should have a prominent place in our dietary. They are

produced in abundance, and every healthy stomach instinctively craves

them. Strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, whortleberries,

cherries, plums, grapes, figs, apples, pears, peaches, and melons are

"food fit for gods." We pity those whose perverted taste or digestion

leads to their rejection. But some are _afraid_ to eat fruits and

berries, particularly in midsummer, just the time when nature and

common sense say they should be eaten most freely. They have the fear

of cholera, dysentery, and similar diseases before their eyes, and

have adopted the popular but absurd idea that fruit eating predisposes

to disorders of the stomach and bowels. Exactly the reverse is the

fact. There are no better preventives of such diseases than _ripe_

fruits and berries, eaten in proper quantities and at proper times

Unripe fruits should be scrupulously avoided, and that which is in any

measure decayed as scarcely less objectionable. Fruit and berries

should make a part of every meal in summer. In winter they are less

necessary, but may be eaten with advantage, if within our reach; and

they are easily preserved in various ways.

We might write a volume on the subject of food, but these general

hints must suffice. If you would pursue the inquiry, read O. S.

Fowler's "Physiology, Animal and Mental," and the "Hydropathic

Cook-Book," already referred to.

2. _When to Eat._

Eat when the stomach, through the instinct of appetite, demands a new

supply of food. If all your habits are regular, this will be at about

the same hours each day; and regularity in the time of taking our

meals is very important. Want of attention to this point is a frequent

cause of derangement of the digestive organs. We can not stop to

discuss the question how many meals per day we should eat; but whether

you eat one, two, or three, never, under ordinary circumstances, take

lunches. The habit of eating between meals is a most pernicious one.

Not even your children must be indulged in it, as you value their

health, comfort, and good behavior.

3. _How Much to Eat._

We can not tell you, by weight or measure, how much to eat, the right

quantity depending much upon age, sex, occupation, season, and

climate, but the quantity is quite as important as the quality.

Appetite would be a sure guide in both respects were it not so often

perverted and diseased. As a general rule, we eat too much. It is

better to err in the other direction. An uncomfortable feeling of

fullness, or of dullness and stupor after a meal is a sure sign of

over-eating, so whatever and whenever you eat, _eat slowly, masticate

your food well_, and DO NOT EAT TOO MUCH.

4. _Drink._

If we eat proper food, and in proper quantity, we are seldom thirsty.

Inordinate thirst indicates a feverish state of either the stomach or

the general system. It is pretty sure to follow a too hearty meal.

Water is the proper drink for everybody and for every thing that lives

or grows. It should be pure and soft. Many diseases arise wholly from

the use of unwholesome water. If you drink tea (which we do not

recommend), let it be the best of black tea, and _not_ strong. Coffee,

if drunk at all, should be diluted with twice its quantity of boiled

milk, and well sweetened with white sugar.

IV.--BREATHING.

Breathing is as necessary as eating. If we cease to breathe, our

bodies cease to live. If we only _half_ breathe, as is often the case,

we only half live. The human system requires a constant supply of

oxygen to keep up the vital processes which closely resemble

combustion, of which oxygen is the prime supporter. If the supply is

insufficient, the fire of life wanes. The healthy condition of the

lungs also requires that they be completely expanded by the air

inhaled. The imperfect breathing of many persons fails to accomplish

the required inflation, and the lungs become diseased for want of

their natural action. Full, deep breathing and pure air are as

essential to health, happiness, and the right performance of our

duties, whether individual, political, or social, as pure food and

temperate habits of eating and drinking are. Attend, then, to the

lungs as well as the stomach. Breathe good air. Have all your rooms,

and especially your sleeping apartment well ventilated. The air which

has been vitiated by breathing or by the action of fire, which

abstracts the oxygen and supplies its place with carbonic acid gas, is

a _subtle poison_.

V.--EXERCISE.

The amount of physical exercise required varies with age, sex, and

temperament; but no person can enjoy vigorous health without a

considerable degree of active bodily exertion. Four or five hours per

day spent in the open air, in some labor or amusement which calls for

the exercise of the muscles of the body, is probably no more than a

proper average. We can live with less--that is, for a short time; but

Nature's laws are inexorable, and we can not escape the penalty

affixed to their violation. Those whose occupations are sedentary

should seek amusements which require the exertion of the physical

powers, and should spend as much as possible of their leisure time in

the open air. We must, however, use good judgment in this matter as

well as in eating. Too much exercise at once, or that which is fitful

and violent, is often exceedingly injurious to those whose occupations

have accustomed them to little physical exertion of any kind.

The women of our country are suffering incalculably for want of proper

exercise. No other single cause perhaps is doing so much to destroy

health and beauty, and deteriorate the race, as this. "Your women are

very handsome," Frederika Bremer said, one day, "but they are too

white; they look as if they grew in the shade." A sad truth. Ladies,

if you would be healthy, beautiful, and attractive--if you would fit

yourselves to be good wives, and the mothers of strong and noble men,

you _must_ take an adequate amount of exercise in the open air. _This

should be an every-day duty._

VI.--THE COMPLEXION.

Every person, and especially every lady, desires a clear complexion.

To secure this, follow the foregoing directions in reference to

cleanliness, eating, drinking, breathing, and exercise. The same

recipe serves for ruby lips and rosy cheeks. These come and go with

health, and health depends upon obedience to the laws of our

constitution.

VII.--GENERAL HINTS.

Few of us are free from disagreeable habits of which we are hardly

conscious, so seemingly natural have they become to us. It is the

office of friendship, though not always a pleasant one, to point them

out. It is our business to assume that office here, finding our excuse

in the necessity of the case. Our bad habits not only injure

ourselves, but they give offense to others, and indirectly injure them

also.

1. _Tobacco._

Ladies, in this country, do not use tobacco, so they may skip this

section. A large and increasing number of gentlemen may do the same;

but if you use tobacco, in any forth, allow us to whisper a useful

hint or two in your ear.

Smoking, snuff-taking, and especially chewing, are bad habits at best,

and in their coarser forms highly disgusting to pure and refined

people, and especially to ladies. You have the same right to smoke,

take snuff, and chew that you have to indulge in the luxuries of a

filthy skin and soiled garments, but you have no right, in either

case, to do violence to the senses and sensibilities of other people

by their exhibition in society. Smoke if you will, chew, take snuff

(against our earnest advice, however), make yourself generally and

particularly disagreeable, but you must suffer the consequences--the

social outlawry which must result. Shall we convert our parlors into

tobacco shops, risk the ruin of our carpets and furniture from the

random shots of your disgusting saliva, and fill the whole atmosphere

of our house with a pungent stench, to the discomfort and disgust of

everybody else, merely for the pleasure of your company? We have

rights as well as you, one of which is to exclude from our circle all

persons whose manners or habits are distasteful to us. You talk of

rights. You can not blame others for exercising theirs.

There are degrees here as everywhere else. One may chew a _little_,

smoke an _occasional_ cigar, and take a pinch of snuff _now_ and

_then_, and if he never indulges in these habits in the presence of

others, and is very careful to purify his person before going into

company, he may confine the bad effects, which he can not escape,

_mostly_ to his own person. But he must not smoke in any parlor, or

sitting-room, or dining-room, or sleeping chamber, or in the street,

and particularly not in the presence of ladies, _anywhere_.

2. _Spitting._

"The use of tobacco has made us a nation of spitters," as some one has

truly remarked. Spitting is a private act, and tobacco users are not

alone in violating good taste and good manners by hawking and spitting

in company. You should never be seen to spit. Use your handkerchief

carefully and so as not to be noticed, or, in case of necessity, leave

the room.

3. _Gin and Gentility._

The spirit and tenor of our remarks on tobacco will apply to the use

of ardent spirits. The fumes of gin, whisky, and rum are, if possible,

worse than the scent of tobacco. They must on no account be brought

into company. If a man (this is another section which women may skip)

will make a beast of himself, and fill his blood with liquid poison,

he must, if he desires admission into good company, do it either

privately or with companions whose senses and appetites are as

depraved as his own.

4. _Onions, etc._

All foods or drinks which taint the breath or cause disagreeable

eructations should be avoided by persons going into company. Onions

emit so very disagreeable an odor that no truly polite person will eat

them when liable to inflict their fumes upon others. Particular care

should be taken to guard against a bad breath from _any_ cause.

5. _Several Items._

Never pare or scrape your nails, pick your teeth, comb your hair, or

perform any of the necessary operations of the toilet in company. All

these things should be carefully attended to in the privacy of your

own room. To pick the nose, dig the ears, or scratch the head or any

part of the person in company is still worse. Watch yourself

carefully, and if you have any such habits, break them up at once.

These may seem little things, but they have their weight, and go far

in determining the character of the impression we make upon those

around us.

II.

DRESS.

From little matters let us pass to less,

And lightly touch the mysteries of dress;

The outward forms the inner man reveal;

We guess the pulp before we eat the peel.--_O. W. Holmes._

I.--THE LANGUAGE OF DRESS.

Dress has its language, which is, or may be, read and understood by

all. It is one of the forms in which we naturally give expression to

our tastes, our constructive faculties, our reason, our feelings, our

habits--in a word, to our character, as a whole. This expression is

often greatly modified by the arbitrary laws of Fashion, and by

circumstances of time, place, and condition, which we can not wholly

control; but can hardly be entirely falsified. Even that arch tyrant,

the reigning _Mode_, whatever it may be, leaves us little room for

choice in materials, forms, and colors, and the choice we make

indicates our prominent traits of character.

II.--THE USES OF DRESS.

"Dress," that admirable Art Journal the _Crayon_ says, "has two

functions--to clothe and to ornament; and while we can not lose sight

of either point, we must not attribute to the one a power which

belongs to the other. The essential requirement of dress is to cover

and make comfortable the body, and of two forms of dress which fulfill

this function equally well, that is the better which is most accordant

with the laws of beauty. But fitness must in nowise be interfered

with; and the garb which infringes on this law gives us pain rather

than pleasure. We believe that it will be found that fitness and

beauty, so far from requiring any sacrifice for combination, are found

each in the highest degree where both are most fully obtained--that

the fittest, most comfortable dress is that which is most graceful or

becoming. Fitness is the primary demand; and _the dress that appears

uncomfortable is untasteful_.

"But in the secondary function of dress, ornamentation, there are

several diverse objects to be attained--dignity, grace, vivacity,

brilliancy, are qualities distinguishing different individuals, and

indicating the impression they wish to make on society, and are

expressed by different combinations of the elements of beauty, line,

or form, and color. When the appareling of the outer being is in most

complete harmony with the mental constitution, the taste is fullest."

III.--THE ART OF DRESS.

True art adapts dress to its uses, as indicated in the foregoing

extract. It is based on universal principles fundamental to all art.

The art-writer already quoted says, very truly, that "Dress is always

to be considered as secondary to the person." This is a fundamental

maxim in the art of costume, but is often lost sight of, and dress

made _obtrusive_ at the expense of the individuality of the wearer. A

man's vest or cravat must not seem a too important part of him. Dress

may heighten beauty, but it can not create it. If you are not better

and more beautiful than your clothes you are, indeed, a man or a woman

of straw.

The next principle to be regarded is the _fitness_ of your costume, in

its forms materials, and colors, to your person and circumstances, and

to the conditions of the time, place and occasion on which it is to be

worn. Fashion often compels us to violate this principle, and dress

in the most absurd, incongruous, unbecoming, and uncomfortable style.

A little more self-respect and independence, however, would enable us

to resist many of her most preposterous enactments. But Fashion is not

responsible for all the incongruities in dress with which we meet.

They are often the result of bad taste and affectation.

The first demand of this law of fitness is, that your costume shall

accord with your person. The young and the old, we all instinctively

know, should not dress alike. Neither should the tall and the short,

the dark and the light, the pale and the rosy, the grave and the gay,

the tranquil and the vivacious. Each variety of form, color, and

character has its appropriate style; but our space here is too limited

to allow us to do more than drop a hint toward what each requires, to

produce the most harmonious and effective combination. In another

work,[A] now in the course of preparation, this important subject will

be treated in detail.

"In form, simplicity and long, unbroken lines give dignity, while

complicated and short lines express vivacity. Curves, particularly if

long and sweeping, give grace while straight lines and angles indicate

power and strength. In color, unity of tint gives repose--if somber,

gravity but if light and clear, then a joyous serenity--variety of

tint giving vivacity, and if contrasted, brilliancy."

Longitudinal stripes in a lady's dress make her appear taller than she

really is, and are therefore appropriate for persons of short stature.

Tall women, for this reason, should never wear them. Flounces are

becoming to tall persons, but not to short ones. The colors worn

should be determined by the complexion, and should harmonize with it.

"Ladies with delicate rosy complexions bear white and blue better than

dark colors, while sallow hues of complexion will not bear these

colors near them, and require dark, quiet, or grave colors to improve

their appearance. Yellow is the most trying and dangerous of all, and

can only be worn by the rich-toned, healthy-looking brunette."

In the second place, there should be harmony between your dress and

your circumstances. It should accord with your means, your house, your

furniture, the place in which you reside, and the society in which you

move.

Thirdly, your costume should be suited to the time, place, and

occasion on which it is to be worn. That summer clothes should not be

worn in winter, or winter clothes in summer, every one sees clearly

enough. The law of fitness as imperatively demands that you should

have one dress for the kitchen, the field, or the workshop, and

another, and quite a different one, for the parlor; one for the street

and another for the carriage, one for a ride on horseback and another

for a ramble in the country. Long, flowing, and even trailing skirts

are beautiful and appropriate in the parlor, but in the muddy streets,

draggling in the filth, and embarrassing every movement of the wearer,

or in the country among the bushes and briers, they lose all their

beauty and grace, because no longer fitting. The prettiest costume we

have ever seen for a shopping excursion or a walk in the city, and

especially for a ramble in the country, is a short dress or frock

reaching to the knee, and trowsers of the common pantaloon form, but

somewhat wider. Full Turkish trowsers might be worn with this dress,

but are less convenient. The waist or body of the dress is made with a

yoke and belt, and pretty full. The sleeves should be gathered into a

band and buttoned at the wrist. A _saque_ or a _basque_ of a different

color from the waist has a fine effect as a part of this costume. Add

to it a gipsy hat and good substantial shoes or boots, and you may

walk with ease, grace, and pleasure. This was the working and walking

costume of the women of the North American Phalanx, and is still worn

on the domain which once belonged to that Association, though the

institution which gave it its origin has ceased to exist. If you

reside in a place where you can adopt this as your industrial and

walking costume, without too much notoriety and odium, try it. You

must judge of this for yourself. We are telling you what is fitting,

comfortable, and healthful, and therefore, in its place, beautiful,

and not what it is expedient for you to wear. The time is coming when

such a costume may be worn anywhere. Rational independence, good

taste, and the study of art are preparing the way for the complete

overthrow of arbitrary fashion. Help us to hasten the time when both

women and men shall be permitted to dress as the eternal principles,

harmony, and beauty dictate, and be no longer the slaves of the tailor

and the dressmaker.

But without adopting any innovations liable to shock staid

conservatism or puritanic prudery, you may still, in a good measure,

avoid the incongruities which we are now compelled to witness, and

make your costume accord with place and occupation.

In the field, garden, and workshop, gentlemen can wear nothing more

comfortable and graceful than the blouse. It may be worn loose or

confined by a belt. If your occupation is a very dusty one, wear

overalls. In the counting-room and office, gentlemen wear frock-coats

or sack coats. They need not be of very fine material, and should not

be of any garish pattern. In your study or library, and about the

house generally, on ordinary occasions, a handsome dressing-gown is

comfortable and elegant.

A lady, while performing the morning duties of her household may wear

a plain loose dress, made high in the neck, and with long sleeves

fastened at the wrist. It must not look slatternly, and may be

exceedingly beautiful and becoming.

In reference to ornament, "the law of dress," to quote our

artist-friend again, "is, that where you want the eye of a spectator

to rest (for we all dress for show), you should concentrate your

decoration, leaving the parts of the apparel to which you do not want

attention called, as plain and negative as possible--not ugly, as some

people, in an affectation of plainness, do (for you have no right to

offend the eye of your fellow-man with any thing which is ugly), but

simply negative."

IV.--MATERIALS, ETC.

The materials of which your clothes are made should be the best that

your means will allow. One generally exercises a very bad economy and

worse taste in wearing low-priced and coarse materials. For your

working costume, the materials should of course correspond with the

usage to which they are to be subjected. They should be strong and

durable, but need not therefore be either very coarse or at all ugly.

As a general rule, it costs no more to dress well than ill.

A gentleman's shirts should always be fine, clean, and well-fitted. It

is better to wear a coarse or threadbare coat than a disreputable

shirt. The better taste and finer instincts of the ladies will require

no hint in reference to their "most intimate appareling." True taste,

delicacy, and refinement regards the under clothing as scrupulously as

that which is exposed to view.

The coverings of the head and the feet are important and should by no

means be inferior to the rest of your apparel. Shoes are better than

boots, except in cases where the latter are required for the

protection of the feet and ankles against water, snow, or injury from

briers, brambles, and the like. Ladies' shoes for walking should be

substantial enough to keep the feet dry and warm. If neatly made, and

well-fitting, they need not be clumsy. Thin shoes, worn on the damp

ground or pavement, have carried many a beautiful woman to her grave.

If you wish to have corns and unshapely feet, wear tight shoes; they

never fail to produce those results.

The fashionable fur hat, in its innumerable but always ugly forms, is,

in the eye of taste, an absurd and unsightly covering for the head;

and it is hardly less uncomfortable and unhealthful than ugly. The

fine, soft, and more picturesque felt hats now, we are glad to say,

coming more and more into vogue, are far more comfortable and

healthful. A light, fine straw hat is the best for summer.

The bonnets of the ladies, in their fashionable forms, are only a

little less ugly and unbecoming than the fur hats of the gentlemen. A

broad-brimmed or gipsy hat is far more becoming to most women than the

common bonnet. We hope to live to see both "stove-pipe hats" and

"sugar-scoop bonnets" abolished; but, in the mean time let those wear

them who _must_.

V.--MRS. MANNERS ON DRESS.

Mrs. Manners, the highest authority we can possibly quote in such

matters, has the following hints to girls, which we can not deny

ourselves the pleasure of copying, though they may seem, in part, a

repetition of remarks already made:

"Good taste is indispensable in dress, but that, united to neatness,

is _all_ that is _necessary_--that is the fabled cestus of Venus which

gave beauty to its wearer. Good taste involves _suitable fabrics--a

neat and becoming 'fitting' to her figure--colors suited to her

complexion, and a simple and unaffected manner of wearing one's

clothes_. A worsted dress in a warm day, or a white one in a cold day,

or a light, thin one in a windy day, are all in _bad_ taste. Very fine

or very delicate dresses worn in the street, or very highly ornamented

clothes worn to church or to shop in, are in _bad_ taste. Very long

dresses worn in muddy or dusty weather, even if long dresses are the

_fashion_, are still in _bad_ taste.

"Deep and bright-colored gloves are always in bad taste; very few

persons are careful enough in selecting gloves. Light shoes and dark

dresses, white stockings and dark dresses, dark stockings and light

dresses, are not indicative of good taste. A girl with neatly and

properly dressed feet, with neat, well-fitting gloves, smoothly

arranged hair, and a clean, well-made dress, who walks well, and

speaks well, and, above all, acts politely and kindly, _is a lady_,

and no _wealth_ is required here. Fine clothes and fine airs are

abashed before such propriety and good taste. Thus the poorest may be

so attired as to appear as lady-like as the wealthiest; nothing is

more _vulgar_ than the idea that money makes a lady, or that fine

clothes can do it."

VI.--WEARING THE HAIR AND BEARD.

The hair and beard, in one of their aspects, belong to the dress. In

reference to the style of wearing them, consult the general principles

of taste. A man to whom nature has given a handsome beard, deforms

himself sadly by shaving--at least, that is our opinion; and on this

point fashion and good taste agree. The full beard is now more common

than the shaven face in all our large cities.

In the dressing of the hair there is room for the display of a great

deal of taste and judgment. The style should vary with the different

forms of face. Lardner's "Young Ladies' Manual" has the following

hints to the gentler sex. Gentlemen can modify them to suit their

case:

"After a few experiments, a lady may very easily decide what mode of

dressing her hair, and what head-dress renders her face most

attractive.

"Ringlets hanging about the forehead suit almost every one. On the

other hand, the fashion of putting the hair smoothly, and drawing it

back on either side, is becoming to few; it has a look of vanity

instead of simplicity: the face must do every thing for it, which is

asking too much, especially as hair, in its pure state, is the

ornament intended for it by nature. Hair is to the human aspect what

foliage is to the landscape.

"Light hair is generally most becoming when curled. For a round face,

the curls should be made in short, half ringlets, reaching a little

below the ears. For an oval face, long and thick ringlets are

suitable; but if the face be thin and sharp, the ringlets should be

light, and not too long, nor too many in number.

"When dark hair is curled, the ringlets should never fall in heavy

masses upon the shoulders. Open braids are very beautiful when made of

dark hair; they are also becoming to light-haired persons. A simple

and graceful mode of arranging the hair is to fold the front locks

behind the ears, permitting the ends to fall in a couple of ringlets

on either side behind.

"Another beautiful mode of dressing the hair, and one very appropriate

in damp weather, when it will keep in curl, is to loop up the ringlets

with small hair-pins on either side of the face and behind the ears,

and pass a light band of braided hair over them.

"Persons with very long, narrow heads may wear the hair knotted very

low at the back of the neck. If the head be long, but not very narrow,

the back hair may be drawn to one side, braided in a thick braid, and

wound around the head. When the head is round, the hair should be

formed in a braid in the middle of the back of the head. If the braid

be made to resemble a basket, and a few curls permitted to fall from

within it, the shape of the head is much improved."

VII.--ART _VS._ FASHION.

Observe that we have been laying down some of the maxims deduced from

the principles of art and taste, in their application to dress, and

not promulgating the edicts of Fashion. If there is a lack of harmony

on some points, between the two, it is not our fault. We have

endeavored to give you some useful hints in reference to the beautiful

and the fitting in costume, based on a higher law than the enactments

of the fashion-makers. You must judge for yourself how far you can

make the latter bend to the former. We have been talking of dress as

an individual matter. In future chapters we shall have occasion to

refer to it in its relation to the usages of society.

VIII.--SIGNS OF "THE GOOD TIME COMING."

N. P. Willis, in the _Home Journal_, writing on the dress-reform

agitation, thus closes his disquisition:

"We repeat, that we see signs which look to us as if the present

excitement as to _one_ fashion were turning into a universal inquiry

as to the sense or propriety of _any fashion at all_. When the subject

shall have been fully discussed, and public attention fully awakened,

common sense will probably take the direction of the matter, and

opinion will settle in some shape which, at least, may reject former

excesses and absurdities. Some moderate similarity of dress is

doubtless necessary, and there are proper times and places for long

dresses and short dresses. These and other points the ladies are

likely to come to new decisions about. While they consult health,

cleanliness, and convenience, however, we venture to express a hope

that they will _get rid of the present slavish uniformity_--that what

is becoming to each may be worn without fear of unfashionableness, and

that in this way we may see every woman dressed somewhat differently

and to her own best advantage, and the _proportion of beauty largely

increased_, as it would, thereby, most assuredly be."

FOOTNOTE:

[A] "Hints toward Physical Perfection; or, How to Acquire and Retain

Beauty, Grace, and Strength, and Secure Long Life and Perpetual

Youth."

III.

SELF-CULTURE

There is no man who can so easily and so naturally become in

all points a Gentleman Knight, without fear and without

reproach, as a true American Republican.--_James Parton._

I.-MORAL AND SOCIAL TRAINING.

Having given due attention to your personal habits and dress, consider

what special errors still remain to be corrected, or what deficiencies

to be supplied, and carefully and perseveringly apply yourself to the

required self-training.

If you are sensible of an inadequate development of any of those

faculties or feelings on which good manners are based, set yourself at

once about the work of cultivation, remembering that the legitimate

exercise of any organ or function necessarily tends to its

development. Look first to conscientiousness. It is hardly possible

for you to acquire genuine good manners without an acute sense of

equity. Accustom yourself to a sacred regard for the rights of others,

even in the minutest matters, and in the most familiar intercourse of

the family or social circle. In a similar manner cultivate

Benevolence, Veneration, Adhesiveness, Agreeableness, Ideality, and

the moral, social, and esthetic faculties in general. Go out of your

way, if necessary, to perform acts of kindness and friendship; never

omit the "thank you" which is due for the slightest possible favor,

whether rendered by the highest or the lowest; be always bland and

genial; respect times, places, observances, and especially persons;

and put yourself in the way of all possible elevating and refining

influences. Manners have their origin in the mind and the heart.

Manners do not make the man, as is sometimes asserted; but the man

makes the manners. It is true, however, that the manners react upon

mind and heart, continually developing and improving the qualities out

of which they spring.

You are placed in a particular community, or you are invited or wish

to gain admittance into a certain circle. Different communities and

circles require, to some extent, different qualifications. Ascertain

what you lack and acquire it as speedily as possible; but remember

that good sense and good nature are out of place in no company.

II.--LANGUAGE.

Conversation plays an important part in the intercourse of society. It

is a great and valuable accomplishment to be able to talk well.

Cultivate language and the voice. Learn to express yourself with

correctness, ease, and elegance. This subject is worthy of all the

time and study you can give to it. "How to Talk: a Pocket Manual of

Conversation and Debate," which forms one of this series of

"Hand-Books for Home Improvement," will give you all necessary aid in

this department.

III.--POSITION AND MOVEMENT.

Study also the graces of manner, motion, and position. Grace is

natural, no doubt, but most of us have nearly lost sight of nature. It

is often with the greatest difficulty that we find our way back to her

paths. It seems a simple and easy thing to walk, and a still easier

and simpler thing to stand or sit, but not one in twenty perform

either of these acts with ease and grace. There are a hundred little

things connected with attitude, movement, the carriage of the arms,

the position of the feet and the like, which, though seemingly

unimportant are really essential to elegance and ease. Never despise

these little things, or be ashamed to acquire the smallest grace by

study and practice.

You desire to be a person of "good standing" in society. How _do_ you

stand? We refer now to the artistic or esthetic point of view. If you

are awkward, you are more likely to manifest your awkwardness in

standing than in walking. Do you know where to put your feet and what

to do with your hands? In the absence of any better rule or example,

try to forget your limbs, and let them take care of themselves. But

observe the attitudes which sculptors give to their statues; and study

also those of children, which are almost always graceful, because

natural. Avoid, on the one hand, the stiffness of the soldier, and, on

the other, the ape-like suppleness of the dancing-master; and let

there be no straining, no fidgeting, no uneasy shifting of position.

You should stand on _both_ feet, bearing a little more heavily on one

than the other. The same general principles apply to the sitting

posture. This may be either graceful, dignified, and elegant, or

awkward, abject, and uncouth. The latter class of qualities may be got

rid of and the former acquired, and depend upon it, it is a matter of

some consequence which of them characterizes your position and

movements. Walking is not so difficult an accomplishment as standing

and sitting, but should receive due attention. It has a very close

connection with character, and either of them may be improved or

deteriorated through the other. A close observer and a sensible and

trustworthy monitor of their own sex thus enumerates some of the

common faults of women in their "carriage," or manner of walking:

"Slovenliness in walking characterizes some. They go shuffling along,

precisely as if their shoes were down at the heel--"slipshod"--and

they could not lift up their feet in consequence. If it is dusty or

sandy, they kick up the dust before them and fill their skirts with

it. This is exceedingly ungraceful. If I were a gentleman, I really do

not think I could marry a lady who walked like this; she would appear

so very undignified, and I could not be proud of her.

"Some have another awkwardness. They lift up their feet so high that

their knees are sent out before them showing the movement through the

dress. They always seem to be leaving their skirts behind them,

instead of carrying them gracefully about them. Some saunter along so

loosely they seem to be hung on wires; others are as stiff as if they

supposed only straight lines were agreeable to the eye; and others,

again, run the chin forward considerably in advance of the breast,

looking very silly and deficient in self-respect.

"Sometimes a lady walks so as to turn up her dress behind every time

she puts her foot back, and I have seen a well-dressed woman made to

look very awkward by elevating her shoulders slightly and pushing her

elbows too far behind her. Some hold their hands up to the waist, and

press their arms against themselves as tightly as if they were glued

there; others swing them backward and forward, as a business man walks

along the street. _Too short_ steps detract from dignity very much,

forming a mincing pace; too long steps are masculine.

"Some walk upon the ball of the foot very flatly and clumsily; others

come down upon the heel as though a young elephant was moving; and

others, again, ruin their shoes and their appearance by walking upon

the side of the foot. Many practice a stoop called the Grecian bend,

and when they are thirty, will pass well, unless the face be seen, for

fifty years' old."

Gymnastics, dancing, and the military drill are excellent auxiliaries

in the work of physical training, though all of them may be, and

constantly are, abused. We can not illustrate their application here.

They will receive the attention they deserve in "Hints toward Physical

Perfection," already referred to as in preparation.

IV.--SELF-COMMAND.

Without perfect self-control you are constantly liable to do something

amiss, and your other social qualifications will avail little. You

must not only be fully conscious who you are, what you are, where you

are, and what you are about, but you must also have an easy and

complete control of all your words and actions, and feel _at home_

wherever you are. You are liable to lose this self-command either

through bashfulness or excitement. The former is one of the greatest

obstacles with which a majority of young people have to contend. It

can be overcome by _resolute effort_ and the cultivation of

self-respect and self-reliance. Do not allow it to keep you out of

society. You will not conquer it by such a course. You might as

reasonably expect to learn to swim without going into the water.

V.--OBSERVATION.

One of the best means of improvement in manners is observation. In

company, where you are in doubt in reference to any rule or form, be

quiet and observe what others do, and govern your conduct by theirs;

but except in mere external forms, beware of a servile imitation. Seek

to understand the principles which underlie the observances you

witness, and to become imbued with the spirit of the society (if good)

in which you move, rather than to copy particulars in the manners of

any one.

VI.--PRACTICAL LESSONS.

But the most important instrumentality for the promotion of the

externals of good manners is constant practice in the actual every-day

intercourse of society; and without this our instructions and your

study will both be thrown away. Begin now, to-day, with the next

person you meet or address.

IV.

FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLES.

Courtesy is the beautiful part of morality, justice carried to

the utmost, rectitude refined, magnanimity in trifles.--_Life

Illustrated._

I.--MANNERS AND MORALS.

Good manners and good morals are founded on the same eternal

principles of right, and are only different expressions of the same

great truths. Both grow out of the necessities of our existence and

relations. We have individual rights based on the fact of our

individual being; and we have social duties resulting from our

connection, in the bonds of society, with other individuals who have

similar rights. Morals and manners alike, while they justify us in

asserting and maintaining our own rights, require us scrupulously to

respect, in word and act, the rights of others. It is true that the

former, in the common comprehension of the term, is satisfied with

simple justice in all our relations, while the latter often requires

something more than the strictest conscientiousness can demand--a

yielding of more than half the road--an exercise of the sentiment of

benevolence, as well as of equity; but the highest morality really

makes the same requisition, for it includes politeness, and recognizes

deeds of kindness as a duty.

II.--RIGHTS.

In this country we need no incitements to the assertion and

maintenance of our rights, whether individual or national. We are

ready at all times to do battle for them either with the tongue, the

pen, or the sword, as the case may require. Even women have discovered

that _they_ have rights, and he must be a bold man indeed who dares

call them in question. Yes, we all, men, women, and children, have

rights, and are forward enough in claiming then. Are we equally ready

to respect the rights of others?

III.--DUTIES.

Out of rights grow duties; the first of which is to live an honest,

truthful, self-loyal life, acting and speaking always and everywhere

in accordance with the laws of our being, as revealed in our own

physical and mental organization. It is by the light of this fact that

we must look upon all social requirements, whether in dress, manners,

or morals. All that is fundamental and genuine in these will be found

to harmonize with universal principles, and consequently with our

primary duty in reference to ourselves.

1. _The Senses._

Whenever and wherever we come in contact with our fellow-men, there

arises a question of rights, and consequently of duties. We have

alluded incidentally to some of them, in speaking of habits and dress.

The senses of each individual have their rights, and it is your duty

to respect them. The eye has a claim upon you for so much of beauty in

form, color, arrangement, position, and movement as you are able to

present to it. A French author has written a book, the aim of which is

to show that it is the duty of a pretty woman to look pretty. It is

the duty of _all_ women, and all men too, to look and behave just as

well as they can, and whoever fails in this, fails in good manners and

in duty. The ear demands agreeable tones and harmonious combinations

of tones--pleasant words and sweet songs. If you indulge in loud

talking, in boisterous and untimely laughter, or in profane or vulgar

language, or sing out of tune, you violate its rights and offend good

manners. The sense of smell requires pleasant odors for its enjoyment.

Fragrance is its proper element. To bring the fetid odor of unwashed

feet or filthy garments, or the stench of bad tobacco or worse whisky,

or the offensive scent of onions or garlics within its sphere, is an

act of impoliteness. The sense of taste asks for agreeable flavors,

and has a right to the best we can give in the way of palatable foods

and drinks. The sense of feeling, though less cultivated and not so

sensitive as the others, has its rights too, and is offended by too

great coarseness, roughness, and hardness. It has a claim on us for a

higher culture.

2. _The Faculties._

And if the senses have their rights, we must admit that the higher

faculties and feelings of our nature are at least equally dowered in

this respect. You can not trespass upon one of them without a

violation of good manners. We can not go into a complete exposition of

the "bill of rights" of each. You can analyze them for yourself, and

learn the nature of their claims upon you. In the mean time, we will

touch upon a point or two here and there.

3. _Opinions._

Each person has a right to his or her opinions, and to the expression

of them _on proper occasions_, and there is no duty more binding upon

us all than the most complete and respectful toleration. The author of

"The Illustrated Manners Book" truly says:

"_Every denial of, or interference with, the personal freedom or

absolute rights of another, is a violation of good manners._ He who

presumes to censure me for my religious belief, or want of belief; who

makes it a matter of criticism or reproach that I am a Theist or

Atheist, Trinitarian or Unitarian, Catholic or Protestant, Pagan or

Christian, Jew, Mohammedan, or Mormon, is guilty of rudeness and

insult. If any of these modes of belief make me intolerant or

intrusive, he may resent such intolerance or repel such intrusion; but

the basis of all true politeness and social enjoyment is the mutual

tolerance of personal rights."

4. _The Sacredness of Privacy._

Here is another passage from the author just quoted which is so much

to the point that we can not forbear to copy it:

"One of the rights most commonly trespassed upon constituting a

violent breach of good manners, is the right of privacy, or of the

control of one's own person and affairs. There are places in this

country where there exists scarcely the slightest recognition of this

right. A man or woman bolts into your house without knocking. No room

is sacred unless you lock the door, and an exclusion would be an

insult. Parents intrude upon children, and children upon parents. The

husband thinks he has a right to enter his wife's room, and the wife

would feel injured if excluded, by night or day, from her husband's.

It is said that they even open each other's letters, and claim, as a

right, that neither should have any secrets from the other.

"It in difficult to conceive of such a state of intense barbarism in a

civilized country, such a denial of the simplest and most primitive

rights, such an utter absence of delicacy and good manners; and had we

not been assured on good authority that such things existed, we

should consider any suggestions respecting them needless and

impertinent.

"Each person in a dwelling should, if possible, have a room as sacred

from intrusion as the house is to the family. No child, grown to years

of discretion, should be outraged by intrusion. No relation, however

intimate, can justify it. So the trunks, boxes, packets, papers, and

letters of every individual, locked or unlocked, sealed or unsealed,

are sacred. It is ill manners even to open a book-case, or to read a

written paper lying open, without permission expressed or implied.

Books in an open case or on a center-table, cards in a card-case, and

newspapers, are presumed to be open for examination. Be careful where

you go, what you read, and what you handle, particularly in private

apartments."

This right to privacy extends to one's business, his personal

relations, his thoughts, and his feelings. _Don't intrude_; and always

"mind your own business," which means, by implication, that you must

let other people's business alone.

5. _Conformity._

You must conform, to such an extent as not to annoy and give offense,

to the customs, whether in dress or other matters, of the circle in

which you move. This conformity is an implied condition in the social

compact. It is a practical recognition of the right of others, and

shows merely a proper regard for their opinions and feelings. If you

can not sing in tune with the rest, or on the same key, remain silent.

You may be right and the others wrong but that does not alter the

case. Convince them, if you can, and bring them to your pitch, but

never mar even a low accord. So if you can not adapt your dress and

manners to the company in which you find yourself, the sooner you take

your leave the better. You may and should endeavor, in a proper way,

to change such customs and fashions as you may deem wrong, or

injurious in their tendency, but, in the mean time, you have no right

to violate them. You may choose your company, but, having chosen it,

you must conform to its rules til you can change them. You are not

compelled to reside in Rome; but if you choose to live there, you must

"do as the Romans do."

The rules which should govern your conduct, as an isolated individual,

were such a thing as isolation possible in the midst of society, are

modified by your relations to those around you. This life of ours is a

complex affair, and our greatest errors arise from our one-side views

of it. We are sovereign individuals, and are born with certain

"inalienable rights;" but we are also members of that larger

individual society, and our rights can not conflict with the duties

which grow out of that relation. If by means of our non-conformity we

cause ourselves to be cut off, like an offending hand, or plucked out,

like an offending eye, our usefulness is at once destroyed.

It is related of a certain king that on a particular occasion he

turned his tea into his saucer, contrary to his custom and to the

etiquette of society, because two country ladies, whose hospitalities

he was enjoying, did so. That king was a _gentleman_; and this

anecdote serves to illustrate an important principle; namely, that

_true politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit, but

absolutely demand, a violation of some of the arbitrary rules of

etiquette_.

The _highest law_ demands complete HARMONY in all spheres and in all

relations.

IV.--EQUALITY.

In the qualified sense which no doubt Mr. Jefferson affixed to the

term in his own mind, "all men _are_ created free and _equal_." The

"noble Oracle" himself had long before as explicitly asserted the

natural equality of man. In 1739, thirty-seven years before the

Declaration of Independence was penned, Lord Chesterfield wrote: "We

are of the same species, and no distinction whatever is between us,

except that which arises from fortune. For example, your footman and

Lizette would be your equals were they as rich as you. Being poor,

they are obliged to serve you. Therefore you must not add to their

misfortune by insulting or ill-treating them. A good heart never

reminds people of their misfortune, but endeavors to alleviate, or, if

possible, to make them forget it."

The writer in _Life Illustrated_, quoted in a previous chapter, states

the case very clearly as follows:

"It is in the sacredness of their rights that men are equal. The

smallest injustice done to the smallest man on earth is an offense

against all men; an offense which all men have a personal and equal

interest in avenging. If John Smith picks my pocket, the cause in

court is correctly entitled, 'The PEOPLE _versus_ John Smith.' The

whole State of New York has taken up my quarrel with John, and arrays

itself against John in awful majesty; because the pockets, the

interests, the rights of a man are _infinitely_, and therefore

_equally_, sacred.

"The conviction of this truth is the beginning and basis of the

science of republican etiquette, which acknowledges no _artificial_

distinctions. Its leading principle is, that courtesy is due to all

men from all men; from the servant to the served; from the served to

the servant; and from both for precisely the same reason, namely,

because both are human beings and _fellow_-citizens!"

V.--A REMARK OR TWO TO BE REMEMBERED.

We purpose, in succeeding chapters, to set forth briefly but clearly,

what the actual requirements of good society are in reference to

behavior. You must look at these in the light of the general

principles we have already laid down. It is not for us to say how far

you ought or can conform to any particular custom, usage, or rule of

etiquette. We believe that even the most arbitrary and capricious of

them either have or have had a reason and a meaning. In many cases,

however, the reason may no longer exist, and the form be meaningless;

or while it embodies what is a living truth to others, you may have

outgrown it or advanced beyond it. _You have an undoubted right,

politely but firmly, to decline to do what seems to you, looking upon

the matter from your highest stand-point, to be clearly wrong, and it

is no breach of good manners to do so_; but at the same time you

should avoid, as far as possible, putting yourself in positions which

call for the exercise of this right. If you can not conscientiously

wear a dress coat, or a stove-pipe hat, or cut your hair, or eat

flesh-meat, or drink wine, you will naturally avoid, under ordinary

circumstances, the circles in which non-conformity in these matters

would be deemed a breach of good manners. When it is necessary that

you should mingle with people whose customs you can not follow in all

points without a violation of principle, you will courteously, and

with proper respect for what they probably think entirely right, fall

back upon the "higher law;" but if it is a mere matter of gloved or

ungloved hands, cup or saucer, fork or knife, you will certainly have

the courtesy and good sense to conform to usage.

DOMESTIC MANNERS.

Home is a little world of itself, and furnishes a sphere for

the exercise of every virtue and for the experience of every

pleasure or pain. If one profit not by its opportunities, he

will be likely to pay dearly for less agreeable lessons in

another school.--_Harrison._

I.--A TEST OF GOOD MANNERS.

Good manners are not to be put on and off with one's best clothes.

Politeness is an article for every-day wear. If you don it only on

special and rare occasions, it will be sure to sit awkwardly upon you.

If you are not well behaved in your own family circle, you will hardly

be truly so anywhere, however strictly you may conform to the

observances of good breeding, when in society. The true gentleman or

lady is a gentleman or lady at all times and in all places--at home as

well as abroad--in the field, or workshop, or in the kitchen, as well

as in the parlor. A snob is--a _snob_ always and everywhere.

If you see a man behave in a rude and uncivil manner to his father or

mother, his brothers or sisters, his wife or children; or fail to

exercise the common courtesies of life at his own table and around his

own fireside, you may at once set him down as a boor, whatever

_pretensions_ he may make to gentility.

Dc not fall into the absurd error of supposing that you may do as you

please at home--that is, unless you please to behave in a perfectly

gentlemanly or ladylike manner. The same rights exist there as

elsewhere, and the same duties grow out of them, while the natural

respect and affection which should be felt by each member of the

family for all the other members, add infinitely to their sacredness.

Let your good manners, then, begin at home.

II.--PARENTS AND CHILDREN.

American children (we are sorry to be obliged to say it) are not, as a

general rule, well behaved. They are rude and disrespectful, if not

disobedient. They inspire terror rather than love in the breasts of

strangers and all persons who seek quiet and like order. In our

drawing-rooms, on board our steamers, in our railway cars and stage

coaches, they usually contrive to make themselves generally and

particularly disagreeable by their familiarity, forwardness, and

pertness. "Young America" can not brook restraint, has no conception

of superiority, and reverences nothing. His ideas of equality admit

neither limitation nor qualification. He is born with a full

comprehension of his own individual rights, but is slow in learning

his social duties. Through whose fault comes this state of things?

American boys and girls have naturally as much good sense and

good-nature as those of any other nation, and, when well trained, no

children are more courteous and agreeable. The fault lies in their

education. In the days of our grandfathers, children were taught

manners at school--a rather rude, backwoods sort of manners, it is

true, but better than the no manners at all of the present day. We

must blame parents in this matter rather than their children. If you

would have your children grow up beloved and respected by their elders

as well as their contemporaries, teach them good manners in their

childhood. The young sovereign should first learn to obey, that he may

be the better fitted to command in his turn.

Those who are old enough to study this book, are old enough to take

the matter in to their own hands, and remedy the defects and supply

the deficiencies of their early education. We beg them to commence at

once, and _at home_.

Allow no false ideas of "liberty and equality" to cause you to forget

for a moment the deference due to your father and your mother. The

fifth commandment has not been and can not be abrogated. We commend to

you the example of the Father of his Country. Look into the life of

Washington, and mark what tender and respectful attentions

characterized his intercourse with his only surviving parent. _He_

never, we venture to say, spoke of his mother as "the old woman," or

addressed her with incivility. "Never," an old friend of yours adjures

you, "let youthful levity or the example of others betray you into

forgetfulness of the claims of your parents or elders to a certain

deference." Nature, a counselor still more sage, we doubt not, has

written the same injunction upon your heart. _Let your manners do

justice to your feelings!_

"Toward your father," that polished and courtly "gentleman of the old

school," the author of the "American Gentleman's Guide to Politeness

and Fashion," says, "preserve always a deferential manner, mingled

with a certain frankness indicating that thorough confidence--that

entire understanding of each other, which is the best guarantee of

good sense in both, and of inestimable value to every young man

blessed with a right-minded parent. Accept the advice dictated by

experience with respect, receive even reproof without impatience of

manner, and hasten to prove afterward that you cherish no resentful

remembrance of what may have seemed to you too great severity or a too

manifest assumption of authority.... In the inner temple of _home_, as

well as where the world looks on, render him reverence due.

"There should be mingled with the habitual deference and attention

that marks your manner to your mother the indescribable tenderness

and rendering back of care and watchfulness that betokens remembrance

of early days. No other woman should ever induce you to forget this

truest, most disinterested friend, nor should your manner ever

indicate even momentary indifference to her wishes or her affection."

III.--BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

The intercourse of brothers and sisters should be marked by the

frankness and familiarity befitting their intimate relation; but this

certainly does not preclude the exercise of all the little courtesies

of life. Young man, be polite to your sister. She is a woman, and all

women have claims on you for courteous attentions; and the affection

which exists between you adds tenfold to the sacredness of the claims

she has upon you, not only for protection, but for the exercise toward

her of all the sweet amenities of life. Except your mother and your

wife or affianced mistress (if you have one), no one can possibly have

an equal right to your attentions. If you are young and have neither

wife nor lady-love, let your mother and your sisters be to you the

embodiment of all that is tenderest, most beautiful, and best in the

human world. You can have no better school than your daily intercourse

with them, to fit you for female society in general. The young man who

loves his sisters and always treats them with the politeness,

deference, and kindness which is their due, is almost certain to be a

favorite with their sex generally; so, _as you value your reputation

for good manners and your success with other ladies, fail in no act of

courtesy to your sisters_.

The gentle and loving sister will need no injunction to treat an

affectionate, polite, and attentive brother with the tender and

respectful consideration which such a brother deserves. The charming

little courtesies which you practice so gracefully in your

intercourse with other gentlemen will not, you may be sure, be lost

upon him. True politeness is never lost, and never out of place; and

nowhere does it appear more attractive than at home.

Stiff formality and cold ceremoniousness are repulsive anywhere, and

are particularly so in the family circle; but the easy, frank, and

genial intercourse of the fireside, instead of being marred, is

refined and made still more delightful by courtesy.

IV.--THE HUSBAND AND WIFE.

Reader, are you married? But excuse us, if the question is not a

proper one. If you are not, you doubtless hope to be, sooner or later,

and therefore we will address you just as if you were.

The husband should never cease to be a _lover_, or fail in any of

those delicate attentions and tender expressions of affectionate

solicitude which marked his intercourse before marriage with his

heart's queen. All the respectful deference, every courteous

observance, all the self-sacrificing devotion that can be claimed by a

mistress is certainly due to a wife, and he is no true husband and no

true _gentleman_ who withholds them. It is not enough that you honor,

respect, and love your wife. You must put this honor, respect, and

love into the forms of speech and action. Let no unkind word, no

seeming indifference, no lack of the little attentions due her, remind

her sadly of the sweet days of courtship and the honey-moon. Surely

the love you thought would have been cheaply purchased at the price of

a world is worth all you care to preserve. Is not the wife more, and

better, and dearer than the sweetheart? We venture to hint that it is

probably your own fault if she is not.

The chosen companion of your life, the mother of your children, the

sharer of all your joys and sorrows, as she possesses the highest

place in your affections, should have the best place everywhere, the

choicest morsels, the politest attentions, the softest, kindest words,

the tenderest care. Love, duty, and good manners alike require it.

And has the wife no duties? Have the courteous observances, the tender

watchfulness, the pleasant words, the never-tiring devotion, which won

your smiles, your spoken thanks, your kisses, your very self, in days

gone by, now lost their value? Does not the husband rightly claim as

much, at least, as the lover? If you find him less observant of the

little courtesies due you, may this not be because you sometimes fail

to reward him with the same sweet thanks and sweeter smiles? Ask your

own heart.

Have the comfort and happiness of your husband always in view, and let

him _see_ and _feel_ that you still look up to him with trust and

affection--that the love of other days has not grown cold. Dress for

his eyes more scrupulously than for all the rest of the world; make

yourself and your home beautiful for his sake; play and sing (if you

can) to please him; try to beguile him from his cares; retain his

affections in the same way you won them, and--be polite even to your

husband.

V.--ENTERTAINERS AND THEIR GUESTS.

Hospitality takes a high rank among the social virtues; but we fear it

is not held in so high esteem as formerly. Its duties are often

fatiguing and irksome, no doubt, and sometimes quite unnecessarily so.

One of the most important maxims of hospitality is, "Let your guests

alone!" If it were generally observed it would save both hosts and

visitors a world of trouble. Your first object should be to make your

guests feel at home. This they never can do while your needless bustle

and obtrusive attentions constantly remind them that they are not at

home, and perhaps make them wish they were.

You will not, of course, understand us to mean that you should devote

no attention to your guests. On the contrary, you should assiduously

labor to promote their comfort and enjoyment, opening to them every

source of entertainment within your reach; but it should be done in

that easy, delicate, considerate way which will make it seem a matter

of course, and no trouble whatever to you. You should not seem to be

conferring but receiving a favor.

Begging your visitors to "make themselves at home," does not give them

the home _feeling_. Genuine, unaffected friendliness, and an

unobtrusive and almost unperceived attention to their wants alone will

impart this. Allow their presence to interfere as little as possible

with your domestic arrangements; thus letting them see that their

visit does not disturb you, but that they fall, as it were, naturally

into a vacant place in your household.

Observe your own feelings when you happen to be the guest of a person

who, though he may be very much your friend, and really glad to see

you, seems not to know what to do either with you or himself; and

again, when in the house of another, you feel as much at ease as in

your own. Mark the difference, more easily felt than described,

between the manners of the two, and deduce therefrom a lesson for your

own improvement.

Furnish your rooms and table for your guests in as good style as your

means and the circumstances of the case will permit, and make no fuss

about it. To be unnecessarily sparing shows meanness, and to be

extravagantly profuse is absurd as well an ruinous. Probably your

visitors know whether your income is large or small and if they do not

they will soon learn, on that point, all that it is necessary for

them to know. But if any circumstance out of the ordinary course of

things should render an apology necessary, make it at once and say no

more about it.

Avoid by all means the very common but very foolish habit of

depreciating your own rooms, furniture, or viands, and expressing

uncalled-for regrets that you have nothing better to offer, merely to

give your guests an opportunity politely to contradict you. But you

need not go to the other extreme and extol the meats you set before

them. Say nothing about these matters.

When visitors show any intention of leaving, you will of course

express the desire you feel to have them stay longer, but good manners

do not require you to endeavor to retain them against their wishes or

sense of duty. It is to be supposed that they know their own affairs

best.

Guests sometimes forget (if they ever learned) that _they_ have any

duties. We beg leave to jog their memory with the following hints from

the graceful pen of "Mrs. Manners:"

"To accommodate yourself to the habits and rules of the family, in

regard to hours of rising or retiring, and particularly the hours for

meals, is the first duty of a guest. Inform yourself as soon as

possible when the meals occur--whether there will be a dressing-bell--at

what time they meet for prayers, and thus become acquainted with all the

family regulations. _It is always the better way for a family to adhere

strictly to all their usual habits_; it is a much simpler matter for

one to learn to conform to those than for half a dozen to be thrown out

of a routine, which may be almost indispensable to the fulfillment of

their importunate duties. It certainly must promote the happiness of

any reasonable person to know that his presence is no restraint and

no inconvenience.

"Your own good sense and delicacy will teach you the desirability of

keeping your room tidy, and your articles of dress and toilet as much

in order as possible. If there is a deficiency of servants, a lady

will certainly not hesitate to make her own bed, and to do for herself

as much as possible, and for the family all that is in her power. I

never saw an elegant lady of my acquaintance appear to better

advantage than when once performing a service which, under other

circumstances, might have been considered menial; yet, in her own

house, she was surrounded by servants, and certainly she never used a

broom or made a bed a her life."

VI.--SERVANTS.

We are all dependent, in one way or another, upon others. At one time

we serve, at another we are served, and we are equally worthy of honor

and respect in the one case as in the other. The man or the woman who

serves us may or may not be our inferior in natural capacity,

learning, manners, or wealth. Be this as it may, the relation in which

we stand to him or her gives us no right beyond the exaction of the

service stipulated or implied in that relation. The right to tyrannize

over our inferiors in social position, to unnecessarily humiliate

them, or to be rude and unkind can not exist, because it would be an

infringement of other rights. Servants have rights as well as those

whom they serve, and the latter have duties as well as the former. We

owe those who labor for us something more than their wages. They have

claims on us for a full recognition of their manhood or womanhood, and

all the rights which grow out of that state.

The true gentleman is never arrogant, or overbearing, or rude to

domestics or _employees_. His commands are requests, and all

services, no matter how humble the servant, are received with thanks,

as if they were favors. We might say the same with still greater

emphasis of the true lady. There is no surer sign of vulgarity than a

needless assumption of the tone of authority and a haughty and

supercilious bearing toward servants and inferiors in station

generally. It is a small thing to say, "I thank you," but those little

words are often better than gold. No one is too poor to bestow, or too

rich to receive them.

VI.

THE OBSERVANCES OF EVERY-DAY LIFE.

Good manners are the settled medium of social, as specie is of

commercial life: returns are equally expected in both; and

people will no more advance their civility to a bear, than

their money to a bankrupt.--_Chesterfield._

I.--A PRELIMINARY REMARK.

In going out into the great world which lies outside of home we have

no new principles to lay down for your guidance. Those we have set

forth and illustrated in previous chapters are of universal

application and meet all contingencies. We shall now essay a brief

exposition of the established laws of etiquette, leaving each reader

to judge for himself how far he can and ought to conform to them, and

what modifications they require to adapt them to a change of time,

place, and circumstances.

II.--INTRODUCTIONS.

It is neither necessary nor desirable to introduce everybody to

everybody; and the promiscuous presentations sometimes inflicted upon

us are anything but agreeable. You confer no favor on us, and only a

nominal one on the person presented, by making us acquainted with one

whom we do not desire to know; and you _may_ inflict a positive injury

upon both. Yon also put yourself in an unpleasant position; for "an

introduction is a social indorsement," and yell become to a certain

extent responsible for the person you introduce. If he disgraces

himself in any way you share, in a greater or less degree, in his

disgrace. Be as cautious in this matter as you would in writing your

name on the back of another man's note.

As a general rule, no gentleman should be presented to a lady without

her permission being previously obtained. Between gentlemen this

formality is not always necessary, but you should have good reason to

believe that the acquaintance will be agreeable to both, before

introducing any persons to each other. If a gentleman requests you to

present him to another gentleman who is his superior in social

position, or to a lady, you should either obtain permission of the

latter, or decline to accede to his request, on the ground that you

are not sufficiently intimate yourself to take the liberty.

If you are walking with a friend, and are met or joined by another, it

is not necessary to introduce them to each other; but you may do so if

you think they would be glad to become acquainted. The same rule will

apply to other accidental meetings.

When two men call upon a stranger on a matter of business, each should

present the other.

The inferior should be introduced to the superior--the gentleman to

the lady, as, "Miss Brown, permit me to introduce Mr. Smith." A lady

may, however, be introduced to a gentleman much her superior in age or

station. Gentlemen and ladies who are presumed to be equals in age and

position are mutually introduced; as, "Mr. Wilson, allow me to make

you acquainted with Mr. Parker; Mr. Parker, Mr. Wilson."

In presenting persons be very careful to speak their names plainly;

and on being introduced to another, if you do not catch the name, say,

without hesitation or embarrassment, "I beg your pardon, I did not

hear the name."

It is the common custom in this country to shake hands on being

introduced. It is better that this should be optional with the person

to whom you are presented or with you, if you stood in the position

of the superior. If a lady or a superior in age or social position

offers the hand, you of course accept it cordially. You will have too

much self-respect to be the first to extend the hand in such a case.

In merely formal introductions a bow is enough. Feeling should govern

in this matter.

In introducing members of your own family you should always mention

the name. Say, "My father Mr. Jones," "My daughter Miss Jones," or

"Miss Mary Jones." Your wife is simply "Mrs. Jones;" and if there

happen to be another Mrs. Jones in the family, she may be "Mrs. Jones,

my sister-in-law," etc. To speak of your wife as "my lady," or enter

yourselves on a hotel register as Mr. Jones and lady, is particularly

_snobbish_.

Introductions by letter are subject to the same general rules as

verbal ones: we should, however, be still more cautious in giving

them; but for directions on this point, as well as forms for letters

of introduction, see "How to Write," Chapter IX.

But may we not speak to a person without an introduction? In many

cases we most certainly may and should. There is no reason in the

world why two persons who may occupy the same seat in a railway car or

a stage coach should remain silent during the whole journey because

they have not been introduced, when conversation might be agreeable to

both. The same remark will apply to many other occasions. You are not

obliged, however to know these _extempore_ acquaintances afterward.

If you are a gentleman, do not, we beg you, permit the lack of an

introduction to prevent you from promptly offering your services to

any unattended lady who may need them. Take off your hat and politely

beg the honor of protecting, escorting, or assisting her, and when the

service has been accomplished, bow and retire.

III.--SALUTATIONS.

"Salutation," a French writer says, "is the touchstone of good

breeding." Your good sense will teach you that it should vary in style

with persons, times, places, and circumstances. You will meet an

intimate friend with a hearty shake of the hand and an inquiry

indicative of real interest, in reference to his health and that of

his family. To another person you how respectfully without speaking. A

slight note of recognition suffices in another case. But you should

never come into the presence of any person, unless you feel at liberty

to ignore their existence altogether, without some form of salutation.

If you meet in company a person with whom you have a quarrel, it is

better in general to bow coldly and ceremoniously than to seem not to

see him.

It is a great rudeness not to return a salutation, no matter how

humble the person who salutes you. "A bow," La Fontaine says, "is a

note drawn at sight. If you acknowledge it, you must pay the full

amount." The two best bred men in England, Charles the Second and

George the Fourth, never failed to take off their hats to the meanest

of their subjects. A greater man than either, and a true "gentleman of

the old school," George Washington, was wont to lift his hat even to

the poor negro slave, who took off his as that great man passed.

IV.--RECEPTIONS.

The duty of receiving visitors usually devolves upon the mistress of

the house, and should be performed in an easy, quiet, and self

possessed manner, and without any unnecessary ceremony. In this way

you will put your guests at their ease, and make their call or visit

pleasant both to them and to yourself. From a little book before us

entitled "Etiquette for Ladies," we condense a few useful hints on

this subject:

"When any one enters, whether announced or not, rise immediately,

advance toward him, and request him to sit down. If it is a young man,

_offer_ him an arm-chair, or a stuffed one; if an elderly man,

_insist_ upon his _accepting_ the arm-chair; if a lady, beg her to be

seated upon the sofa. If the master of the house receives the

visitors, he will take a chair and place himself at a little distance

from them; if, on the contrary, it is the mistress of the house, and

if she is intimate with the lady who visits her, she will place

herself near her. If several ladies come at once, we give the most

honorable place to the one who, from age or other considerations, is

most entitled to respect. In winter, the most honorable places are

those at the corners of the fireplace.

"If the visitor is a stranger, the master or mistress of the house

rises, and any persons who may be already in the room should do the

same. If some of them then withdraw, the master or mistress of the

house should conduct them as far as the door. But whoever the person

may be who departs, if we have other company, we may dispense with

conducting farther than the door of the room."

Quiet self-possession and unaffected courtesy will enable you to make

even a ceremonious morning call tolerable, if not absolutely pleasant

to both the caller and yourself.

V.--VISITS AND CALLS.

Visits are of various kinds, each of which has its own terms and

observances. There are visits of ceremony, visits of congratulation,

visits of condolence, visits of friendship.

Visits of ceremony, though they take up a large share of the time of

the fashionable lady, are very stupid affairs as a general thing, and

have little to recommend them except--Fashion. The best thing about

them is that they may and should be short.

You pay visits of congratulation to your friends on the occurrence of

any particularly auspicious event in his family, or on his appointment

to any office or dignity.

Visits of condolence should be made within the week after the event

which calls for them.

Let visits of friendship be governed by friendship's own laws, and the

universal principles of good manners. We shall give no particular

rules for the regulation of their time or their length.

"Morning calls," the "Illustrated Manners Book" says "are the small

change of social commerce; parties and assemblies are the heavy

drafts. A call is not less than ten nor more than twenty minutes in

the city; in the country a little longer. The time for a morning call

is between eleven and two o'clock, unless your friends are so

fashionable as to dine at five or six, in which case you can call from

twelve to three. Morning, in fashionable parlance, means any time

before dinner."

In a morning call or visit of ceremony, the gentleman takes his hat

and cane, if he carries one, into the room. The lady does not take off

her bonnet and shawl. In attending ladies who are making morning

calls, a gentleman assists them up the steps, rings the bell,

_follows_ them into the room, and waits till they have finished their

salutations, unless he has a part to perform in presenting them.

Ladies should always be the first to rise in terminating a visa, and

when they have made their _adieux_ their cavaliers repeat the

ceremony, and follow them out.

Soiled overshoes or wet garments should not be worn into any room

devoted to the use of ladies. Gentlemen must never remain seated in

the company of ladies with whom he is ceremoniously associated, while

they are standing. Always relieve ladies of their parcels, parasols,

shawls, etc. whenever this will conduce to their convenience.[B]

If you call on a person who is "engaged," or "not at home," leave your

card. If there are several persons you desire to see, leave a card for

each, or desire a servant to present your compliments to them

severally. All visits should be returned, personally or by card, just

as one should speak when spoken to, or answer a respectful letter.

In visiting at a hotel, do not enter your friend's room till your card

has announced you. If not at home, send your card to his room with

your address written upon it as well as the name of the person for

whom it is intended, to avoid mistakes.[C]

When you are going abroad, intending to be absent for some time, you

inclose your card in an envelope, having first, written T. T. L. [to

take leave], or P. P. C. [_pour prendre conge_] upon it--for a man the

former is better--and direct it outside to the person for whom it is

intended. In taking leave of a _family_, you send as many cards as you

would if you were paying an ordinary visit. When you return from your

voyage, all the persons to whom, before going, you have sent cards,

will pay you the first visit. If, previously to a voyage or his

marriage, any one should not send his card to another, it is to be

understood that he wishes the acquaintance to cease. The person,

therefore, who is thus _dis_carded, should never again visit the

other.[D]

Visiting cards should be engraved or handsomely written. Those

printed on type are considered vulgar, simply, no doubt, because they

are cheap. A gentleman's card should be of medium size, unglazed,

ungilt, and perfectly plain. A lady's card may be larger and finer,

and should be carried in a card-case.

If you should happen to be paying an evening visit at a house, where,

unknown to you, there is a small party assembled, you should enter and

present yourself precisely as you would have done had you been

invited. To retire precipitately with an apology for the intrusion

would create a _scene_, and be extremely awkward. Go in, therefore,

converse with ease for a few moments, and then retire.

In making morning calls, usage allows a gentleman to wear a frock

coat, or a sack coat, if the latter happen to be in fashion. The frock

coat is now, in this country, _tolerated_ at dinner-parties, and even

at a ball, but is not considered in good _ton_ or style.

"Ladies," according to the authority of a writer of their own sex,

"should make morning calls in an elegant and simple _neglige_, all the

details of which we can not give, on account of their multiplicity and

the numerous modifications of fashion. It is necessary for them, when

visiting at this time, to arrange their toilet with great care."

VI.--APPOINTMENTS.

Be exact in keeping all appointments. It is better never to avail

yourself of even the quarter of an hour's grace sometimes allowed.

If you make an appointment with another at your own house, you should

be invisible to the rest of the world, and consecrate your time solely

to him.

If you accept an appointment at the house of a public officer or a

man of business, be very punctual, transact the affair with dispatch,

and retire the moment it is finished.

At a dinner or supper to which you have accepted an invitation, be

absolutely punctual. It is very annoying to arrive an hour before the

rest, and still worse to be too late. If you find yourself in the

latter predicament on an occasion where ceremony is required, send in

your card, with an apology, and retire.

VII.--TABLE MANNERS.

We shall speak in another place of the ceremonious observances

requisite at formal dinner parties. Our observations here will be of a

more general character, and of universal application.

Take your seat quietly at the table. Sit firmly in your chair, without

lolling, leaning back, drumming, or any other uncouth action. Unfold

your napkin and lay it in your lap, eat soup delicately with a spoon,

holding a piece of bread in your left hand. Be careful to make no

noise in chewing or swallowing your food.

Cut your food with your knife; but the fork is to be used to convey it

to your mouth. A spoon is employed for food that can not be eaten with

a fork. Take your fork or spoon in the right hand. Never use both

hands to convey anything to your month. Break your bread, not cut or

bite it. Your cup was made to drink from, and your saucer to hold the

cup. It is not well to drink anything hot; but you can wait till your

tea or coffee cools. Eggs should be eaten from the shell (chipping off

a little of the _larger_ end), with or without an egg-cup. The egg-cup

is to hold the shell, and not its contents.

Be attentive to the wants of any lady who may be seated next to you,

especially where there are no servants, and pass anything that may be

needful to others.

When you send up your plate for anything, your knife and fork should

go with it. When you have finished the course, lay your knife and fork

on your plate, parallel to each other, with the handles toward your

right hand. Of course, you should never put your knife into the butter

or the salt, or your spoon into the sugar-bowl. _Eat moderately and

slowly_, for your health's sake; but rapid, gross, and immoderate

eating is as vulgar as it is unwholesome. Never say or do anything at

table that is liable to produce disgust. Wipe your nose, if needful,

but never blow it. If it is necessary to do this, or to spit, leave

the table.

It is almost unnecessary to mention that the table-cloth is not the

place to put your salt. Bread is the only comestible which the custom

of well-bred people permits to be laid off your plate.

It is well not to seem too much in haste to commence, as if you are

famishing, but neither is it necessary to wait till everybody is

served before you commence.

It is perfectly proper to "take the last piece," if you want it,

always presuming that there is more of the same in reserve.

VIII.--CONVERSATION.

As conversation is the principal business in company, we can not well

pay too much attention to it; but having devoted another work to the

subject, we shall make this section briefer than would otherwise be

allowable, and refer our readers for complete instructions in this

important art to "How to Talk."[E] The maxims which follow are mostly

compiled from other works now before us.

The wit of conversation consists more in finding it in others than in

showing a great deal yourself. He who goes from your conversation

pleased with himself and his own wit, is perfectly well pleased with

you. The most delicate pleasure is to please another.[F]

Men of all sorts of occupations meet in society. As they go there to

unbend their minds and escape from the fetters of business, you should

never, in an evening, speak to a man about his profession. Do not talk

of politics to a journalist, of fevers to a physician, of stocks to a

broker. Talk to a mother about her children. Women are never tired of

hearing of themselves and their children.[G]

In promiscuous companies you should vary your address agreeably to the

different ages of the persons to whom you speak. It would be rude and

absurd to talk of your courtships or your pleasures to men of certain

dignity and gravity, to clergymen, or men in years. To women you

should always address yourself with great respect and attention; their

sex is entitled to it, and it is among the duties of good manners; at

the same time, that respect is very properly and very agreeably mixed

with a degree of gayety, if you have it.

In relating anything, avoid repetitions, or very hackneyed

expressions, such as, _says he_, or _says she_. Some people will use

these so often as to take off the hearer's attention from the story;

as, in an organ out of tune, one pipe shall perhaps sound the whole

time we are playing, and confuse the piece so as not to be understood.

Carefully avoid talking either of your own or other people's domestic

concerns. By doing the one, you will be thought vain; by entering into

the other, you will be considered officious. Talking of yourself is

an impertinence to the company; your affairs are nothing to them;

besides, they can not be kept too secret. As to the affairs of others,

what are they to you?

You should never help out or forestall the slow speaker, as if you

alone were rich in expressions, and he were poor. You may take it for

granted that every one is vain enough to think he can talk well,

though he may modestly deny it. [There is an exception to this rule.

In speaking with foreigners, who understand our language imperfectly,

and may be unable to find the right word, it is sometimes polite to

assist them by suggesting the word they require.]

Giving advice unasked is another piece of rudeness. It is, in effect,

declaring ourselves wiser than those to whom we give it; reproaching

them with ignorance and inexperience. It is a freedom that ought not

to be taken with any common acquaintance.

Those who contradict others upon all occasions, and make every

assertion a matter of dispute, betray, by this behavior, a want of

acquaintance with good breeding.

Vulgarism in language is the next and distinguishing characteristic of

bad company and a bad education. A man of fashion avoids nothing with

more care than that. Proverbial expressions and trite sayings are the

flowers of the rhetoric of a vulgar man.[H]

Never descend to flattery; but deserved compliments should never be

withheld. Be attentive to any person who may be speaking to you, and

be equally ready to speak or to listen, as the case may require. Never

dispute. As a general rule, do not ride your own _hobbies_ in a mixed

company, nor allow yourself to be "trotted out" for their amusement.

IX.--MUSIC.

When music commences, conversation should cease. It is very rude to

talk while another person is singing or playing.

A lady should never exhibit any anxiety to sing or play; but if she

intends to do so, she should not affect to refuse when asked, but

obligingly accede at once. If you can not sing, or do not choose to,

say so with seriousness and gravity, and put an end to the expectation

promptly. After singing once or twice, cease and give place to others.

The complaint is as old as the days of Horace, that a singer can with

the greatest difficulty be set agoing, and when agoing, can not be

stopped.

In playing an accompaniment for another, do not forget that it is

intended to aid, and not to interrupt, and that the instrument is

subordinate to the singer.

When a lady is playing, it is desirable that some one should turn the

leaves for her. Some gentleman will be generally at hand to do this,

but unless he be able to read music, his services may as well be

dispensed with.

X.--LETTERS AND NOTES.

Few accomplishments are more important than letter writing--in fact,

it is absolutely indispensable to every man or woman who desires to

fill a respectable position it society. But good letter-writers are

rare. Too little attention is paid to the subject in our systems of

education; and the lack of the ability to write a decent letter, or

even a note of invitation, acceptance, or regret, is often the cause

of great mortification, to say nothing of the delays, misunderstandings,

and losses resulting in business affairs from bungling and incorrectly

written letters.

The impossibility of doing justice to the subject in the very limited

space that we could devote to it in this work, compels us to refer the

reader to our little manual of Composition and Letter-Writing,

entitled "How to Write," in which the whole subject is thoroughly

explained and illustrated.

XI.--MISCELLANEOUS HINTS.

1. _Which goes First?_

In ascending or descending stairs with a lady, it is proper to offer

your arm, provided the stair-case is sufficiently wide to permit two

to go up or down abreast.

But if it is not, which should go first? Authorities disagree. Usage

is not settled. It is a general rule of etiquette to give ladies the

precedence everywhere. Is there a sufficient reason for making this an

exception? One says that if you follow a lady in going down stairs,

you are liable to tread on her dress, and that if she precedes you in

going up, she might display a large foot or a thick ankle which were

better concealed. He thinks the gentleman should go first. Another

calls this a maxim of prudery and the legacy of a maiden aunt. Colonel

Lunettes, our oft-quoted friend of the old _regime_, speaks very

positively on this point. "Nothing is more absurd," he says, "than the

habit of preceding ladies in ascending stairs, adopted by some men--as

if by following just behind them, as one should if the arm be

disengaged, there can be any impropriety. Soiled frills and unmended

hose must have originated this vulgarity." Let the ladies decide.

2. _An American Habit._

There is a habit peculiar to the United States, and from which even

some females, who class themselves as ladies, are not entirely

free--that of lolling back, balanced upon the two hind legs of a

chair. Such a breach of good breeding is rarely committed in Europe.

Lolling is carried even so for in America, that it is not uncommon to

see the attorneys lay their feet upon the council table; and the

clerks and judges theirs also upon their desks in open court.

3. _Gloved or Ungloved?_

In shaking hands it is more respectful to offer an ungloved hand; but

if two gentlemen are both gloved, it is very foolish to keep each

other waiting to take them off. You should not, however, offer a

gloved hand to a lady or a superior who is ungloved. Foreigners are

sometimes very sensitive in this matter, and might deem the glove an

insult. It is well for a gentleman to carry his right-hand glove in

his hand where he is likely to have occasion to shake hands. At a ball

or a party the gloves should not be taken off.

4. _Equality._

In company, though none are _free_, yet all are _equal_. All,

therefore, whom you meet should be treated with equal respect,

although interest may dictate toward each different degrees of

attention. It is disrespectful to the inviter to shun any of her

guests.

5. _False Shame._

In a letter to his son, Lord Chesterfield makes the following

confession: "I have often wished an obscure acquaintance absent, for

meeting and taking notice of me when I was in what I thought and

called fine company. I have returned his notice shyly, awkwardly, and

consequently offensively, for fear of a momentary joker not

considering, as I ought to have done, that the very people who would

have joked upon me at first, would have esteemed me the more for it

afterward."

A good hint for us all.

6. _Pulling out one's Watch._

Pulling out your watch in company, unasked, either at home or abroad,

is a mark of ill-breeding. If at home, it appears as if you were tired

of your company, and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the

hours dragged heavily, and you wished to be gone yourself. If you want

to know the time, withdraw; besides, as the taking what is called

French leave was introduced, that, on one person's leaving the

company, the rest might not be disturbed, looking at your watch does

what that piece of politeness was designed to prevent.

7. _Husband and Wife._

A gentleman speaks of his wife in a mixed company as Mrs. ----, and a

lady of her husband as Mr. ----. So one does not say in speaking to

another, "your wife," or "your husband," but Mrs. or Mr. ----. Among

intimates, however, to say "my wife," or "my husband," is better,

because less formal. Let there be a _fitness_ in everything, whatever

conventional rules you may violate.

8. _Bowing vs. Curtseying._

Curtseying is obsolete. Ladies now universally bow instead. The latter

is certainly a more convenient, if not a more graceful form of

salutation, particularly on the street.

9. _Presents._

Among friends, presents ought to be made of things of small value; or,

if valuable, their worth should be derived from the style of the

workmanship, or from some accidental circumstance, rather than from

the inherent and solid richness. Especially never offer to a lady a

gift of great cost; it is in the highest degree indelicate, and looks

as if you were desirous of placing her under an obligation to you, and

of buying her good-will.

The gifts made by ladies to gentlemen are of the most refined nature

possible; they should be little articles not purchased, but deriving a

priceless value as being the offspring of their gentle skill; a little

picture from their pencil or a trifle from their needle.

A present should be made with as little parade and ceremony as

possible. If it is a small matter, a gold pencil-case, a thimble to a

lady, or an affair of that sort, it should not be offered formally,

but in an indirect way.

Emerson says: "Rings and other jewels are not gifts, but apologies for

gifts. The only gift is a portion of thyself. Thou must bleed for me.

Therefore the poet brings his poem; the shepherd, his lamb; the

farmer, his corn; the miner, a gem; the sailor, coral and shells; the

painter, his picture; the girl, a handkerchief of her own sewing."

10. _Snobbery._

When you hear a man insisting upon points of etiquette and fashion;

wondering, for instance, how people can eat with steel forks and

survive it, or what charms existence has for persons who dine at three

without soup and fish, be sure that that individual is a snob.

11. _Children._

Show, but do not show off, your children to strangers. Recollect, in

the matter of children, how many are born every hour, each are almost

as remarkable as yours in the eyes of its papa and mamma.

FOOTNOTES:

[B] "Colonel Lunettes."

[C] "Manners Book."

[D] "Etiquette for Gentlemen."

[E] "How to Talk: A Pocket Manual of Conversation, Public Speaking,

and Debating." New York. Fowler and Wells. Price 80 cents.

[F] La Bruyere

[G] "Etiquette for Gentlemen."

[H] Chesterfield.

VII.

THE ETIQUETTE OF OCCASIONS.

Great plenty, much formality, small cheer,

And everybody out of his own sphere.--_Byron._

I.--DINNER PARTIES.

A young man or a young woman, unaccustomed to the settled observances

of such occasions, can hardly pass through a severer ordeal than a

formal dinner. Its terrors, however, are often greatly magnified. Such

a knowledge of the principal points of table etiquette as you may

acquire from this book, complete self-possession, habits of

observation, and a fair share of practical good sense, will carry one

safely if not pleasantly through it.

You may entertain the opinion that such dinners, and formal parties in

general, are tiresome affairs, and that there might be quite as much

real courtesy and a great deal more enjoyment with less ceremony, and

we may entirely agree with you; but what _is_, and not what _might

be_, is the point to be elucidated. We are to take society as we find

it. You may, as a general rule, decline invitations to dinner parties

without any breach of good manners, and without giving offense, if you

think that neither your enjoyment nor your interests will be promoted

by accepting; or you may not go into what is technically called

"society" at all, and yet you are liable, at a hotel, on board a

steamer, or on some extraordinary occasion, to be placed in a position

in which ignorance of dinner etiquette will be very mortifying and

the information contained in this section be worth a hundred times the

cost of the book.

We now proceed to note the common routine of a fashionable dinner, as

laid down in books and practiced in polite society. On some points

usage is not uniform, but varies in different countries, and even in

different cities in the same country, as well as in different circles

in the same place. For this reason you must not rely wholly upon this

or any other manners book, but, keeping your eyes open and your wits

about you, _wait and see what others do_, and follow the prevailing

mode.

1. _Invitations._

Invitations to a dinner are usually issued several days before the

appointed time--the length of time being proportioned to the grandeur

of the occasion. On receiving one, you should answer at once,

addressing the lady of the house. You should either accept or decline

unconditionally, as they will wish to know whom to expect, and make

their preparations accordingly.

2. _Dress._

You must go to a dinner party in "full dress." Just what this is, is a

question of time and place. Strictly interpreted, it allows gentlemen

but little choice. A black dress coat and trowsers, a black or white

vest and cravat, white gloves, and pumps and silk stockings were

formerly rigorously insisted upon. But the freedom-loving "spirit of

the age" has already made its influence felt even in the realms of

fashion, and a little more latitude is now allowed in most circles.

The "American Gentleman's Guide" enumerates the essentials of a

gentleman's dress for occasions of ceremony in general, as follows:

"A stylish, well-fitting cloth coat, of some dark color and of

unexceptionable quality, nether garments to correspond, or in warm

weather, or under other suitable circumstances, white pants of a

fashionable material and make, the finest and purest linen,

embroidered in white, if at all; a cravat and vest of some dark or

neutral tint, according to the physiognomical peculiarities of the

wearer and the _prevailing mode_; an entirely fresh-looking,

fashionable black hat, and carefully-fitted modish boots, white

gloves, and a soft, thin, white handkerchief."

A lady's "full dress" is not easily defined, and fashion allows her

greater scope for the exercise of her taste in the selection of

materials, the choice of colors, and the style of making. Still, she

must "be in the fashion."

3. _Punctuality._

Never allow yourself to be a minute behind the time. The dinner can

not be served till all the guests have arrived. If it is spoiled

through your tardiness, you are responsible not only to your inviter,

but to his outraged guests. Better be too late for the steamer or the

railway train than for a dinner!

4. _Going to the Table._

When dinner is announced, the host rises and requests all to walk to

the dining-room, to which he leads the way, having given his arm to

the lady who, from age or any other consideration, is entitled to

precedence. Each gentleman offers his arm to a lady, and all follow in

order. If you are not the principal guest, you must be careful not to

offer your arm to the handsomest or most distinguished lady.

5. _Arrangement of Guests._

Where rank or social position are regarded (and where are they not to

some extent?), the two most distinguished gentlemen are placed next

the mistress of the house, and the two most distinguished ladies next

the master of the house. The right hand is especially the place of

honor. If it is offered to you, you should not refuse it.

It is one of the first and most difficult things properly to arrange

the guests, and to place them in such a manner that the conversation

may always be general during the entertainment. If the number of

gentlemen is nearly equal to that of the ladies, we should take care

to intermingle them. We should separate husbands from their wives, and

remove near relations as far from one another as possible, because

being always together they ought not to converse among themselves in a

general party.

6. _Duties of the Host._

To perform faultlessly the honors of the table is one of the most

difficult things in society; it might indeed be asserted, without much

fear of contradiction, that no man has as yet ever reached exact

propriety in his office as host. When he receives others, he must be

content to forget himself; he must relinquish all desire to shine, and

even all attempts to please his guests by conversation, and rather do

all in his power to let them please one another.

Help ladies with a due appreciation of their delicacy, moderation, and

fastidiousness of their appetites; and do not overload the plate of

any person you serve. Never pour gravy on a plate without permission.

It spoils the meat for some persons.

Do not insist upon your guests partaking of particular dishes; never

ask persons more than once, and never put anything by force upon their

plates. It is extremely ill-bred, though extremely common, to press

one to eat of anything.

The host should never recommend or eulogize any particular dish; his

guests will take it for granted that anything found at his table is

excellent.

The most important maxim in hospitality is to leave every one to his

own choice and enjoyment, and to free him _from an ever-present sense

of being entertained_. You should never send away your own plate until

all your guests have finished.

7. _Duties of the Guests._

Gentlemen must be assiduous but not officious in their attentions to

the ladies. See that they lack nothing, but do not seem to watch them.

If a "grace" is to be asked, treat the observance with respect. Good

manners require this, even if veneration fails to suggest it.

Soup will come first. _You must not decline it_; because nothing else

can be served till the first course is finished, and to sit with

nothing before you would be awkward. But you may eat as little of it

as you choose. The host serves his left-hand neighbor first, then his

right hand, and so on till all are served. Take whatever is given you,

and do _not_ offer it to your neighbor; and begin at once to eat. You

must not suck soup into your month, blow it, or send for a second

plate. The second course is fish, which is to be eaten with a fork,

and without vegetables. The last part of this injunction does not, of

course, apply to informal dinners, where fish is the principal dish.

Fish, like soup, is served but once. When you have eaten what you

wish, you lay your fork on your plate, and the waiter removes it. The

third course brings the principal dishes--roast and boiled meats,

fowl, etc., which are followed by game. There are also side dishes of

various kinds. At dessert, help the ladies near you to whatever they

may require. Serve strawberries with a spoon, but pass cherries,

grapes, or peaches for each to help himself with his fingers. You need

not volunteer to pare an apple or a peach for a lady, but should do

so, of course, at her request, using her fork or some other than your

own to hold it.

We have said in our remarks on table manners in general, in a previous

chapter, that in sending your plate for anything, you should leave

your knife and fork upon it. For this injunction we have the authority

of most of the books on etiquette, as well as of general usage. There

seems also to be a reason for the custom in the fact, that to hold

them in your hand would be awkward, and to lay them on the table-cloth

might soil it; but the author of the "American Gentleman's Guide,"

whose acquaintance with the best usage is not to be questioned, says

that they should be retained, and either kept together in the hand, or

rested upon your bread, to avoid soiling the cloth.

Eat deliberately and decorously (there can be no harm in repeating

this precept), masticate your food thoroughly, and _beware of drinking

too much ice-water_.

If your host is not a "temperance man," that is, one pledged to total

abstinence, wine will probably be drunk. You can of course decline,

but you must do so courteously, and without any reflection upon those

who drink. You are not invited to deliver a temperance lecture.

Where finger-glasses are used, dip the tips of your fingers in the

water and wipe them on your napkin; and wet a corner of the napkin and

wipe your mouth. Snobs sometimes wear gloves at table. It is not

necessary that you should imitate them.

The French fashion of having the principal dishes carved on a

side-table, and served by attendants, is now very generally adopted at

ceremonious dinners in this country, but few gentlemen who go into

company at all can safely count upon never being called upon to carve,

and the _art_ is well worth acquiring. Ignorance of it sometimes

places one in an awkward position. You will find directions on this

subject in almost any cook-book; you will learn more, however, by

watching an accomplished carver than in any other way.

Do not allow yourself to be too much engrossed in attending to the

wants of the stomach, to join in the cheerful interchange of

civilities and thoughts with those near you.

We must leave a hundred little things connected with a dinner party

unmentioned; but what we have said here, together with the general

canons of eating laid down in Chapter VI. (Section 7, "Table

Manners"), and a little observation, will soon make you a proficient

in the etiquette of these occasions, in which, if you will take our

advice, you will not participate very frequently. An _informal_

dinner, at which you meet two or three friends, and find more cheer

and less ceremony, is much to be preferred.

II.--EVENING PARTIES.

Evening parties are of various kinds, and more or less ceremonious, as

they are more or less fashionable. Their object is or should be social

enjoyment, and the manners of the company ought to be such as will

best promote it. A few hints, therefore, in addition to the general

maxims of good behavior already laid down, will suffice.

1. _Invitations._

Having accepted an invitation to a party, never fail to keep your

promise, and especially do not allow bad weather, of any ordinary

character, to prevent your attendance. A married man should never

accept an invitation from a lady in which his wife is not included.

2. _Salutations._

When you enter a drawing-room where there is a party, you salute the

lady of the house before speaking to any one else. Even your most

intimate friends are enveloped in an opake atmosphere until you have

made your bow to your entertainer.[I] You then mix with the company,

salute your acquaintances, and join in the conversation. You may

converse freely with any person you meet on such an occasion, without

the formality of an introduction.

3. _Conversation._

When conversation is not general, nor the subject sufficiently

interesting to occupy the whole company, they break up into different

groups. Each one converses with one or more of his neighbors on his

right and left. We should, if we wish to speak to any one, avoid

leaning upon the person who happens to be between. A gentleman ought

not to lean upon the arm of a lady's chair, but he may, if standing,

support himself by the back of it, in order to converse with the lady

partly turned toward him.[J]

The members of an invited family should never be seen conversing one

with another at a party.

4. _French Leave._

If you desire to withdraw before the party breaks up, take "French

leave"--that is, go quietly out without disturbing any one, and

without saluting even the mistress of the house, unless you can do so

without attracting attention. The contrary course would interrupt the

rest of the company, and call for otherwise unnecessary explanations

and ceremony.

5. _Sports and Games._

Among young people, and particularly in the country, a variety of

sports or plays, as they are called, are in vogue. Some of them are

fitting only for children; but others are more intellectual, and may

be made sources of improvement as well as of amusement.

Entering into the spirit of these sports, we throw off some of the

restraints of a more formal intercourse; but they furnish no excuse

for rudeness. You must not forget your politeness in your hilarity, or

allow yourself to "take liberties," or lose your sense of delicacy and

propriety.

The selection of the games or sports belongs to the ladies, though any

person may modestly propose any amusement, and ask the opinion of

others in reference to it. The person who gives the party will

exercise her prerogative to vary the play, that the interest may be

kept up.

If this were the proper place, we should enter an earnest protest

against the promiscuous kissing which sometimes forms part of the

performances in some of these games, but it is not our office to

proscribe or introduce observances, but to regulate them. No true

gentleman will _abuse_ the freedom which the laws of the game allows;

but if required, will delicately kiss the hand, the forehead, or, at

most, the cheek of the lady. A lady will offer her lips to be kissed

only to a lover or a husband, and not to him in company. The French

code is a good one: "Give your hand to a gentleman to kiss, your cheek

to a friend, but keep your lips for your lover."

Never prescribe any forfeiture which can wound the feelings of any of

the company, and "pay" those which may be adjudged to you with

cheerful promptness.

6. _Dancing._

An evening party is often only another name for a ball. We may have as

many and as weighty objections to dancing, as conducted at these

fashionable parties, as to the formal dinners and rich and late

suppers which are in vogue in the same circles, but this is not the

place to discuss the merits of the quadrille or the waltz, but to lay

down the etiquette of the occasions on which they are practiced. We

condense from the various authorities before us the following code:

1. According to the hours now in fashion in our large cities, ten

o'clock is quite early enough to present yourself at a dance. You will

even then find many coming after you. In the country, you should go

earlier.

2. Draw on your gloves (white or yellow) in the dressing-room, and do

not be for one moment with them off in the dancing-rooms. At supper

take them off; nothing is more preposterous than to eat in gloves.

3. When you are sure of a place in the dance, you go up to a lady and

ask her if she will _do you the honor_ to dance with you. If she

answers that she is engaged, merely request her to name the earliest

dance for which she is not engaged, and when she will do you the honor

of dancing with you.

4. If a gentleman offers to dance with a lady, she should not refuse,

unless for some _particular_ and _valid_ reason, in which case she

can accept the next offer. But if she has no further objection than a

temporary dislike or a piece of coquetry, it is a direct insult to him

to refuse him and accept the next offer; besides, it shows too marked

a preference for the latter.

5. When a woman is standing in a quadrille, though not engaged in

dancing, a man not acquainted with her partner should not converse

with her.

6. When an unpracticed dancer makes a mistake, we may apprize him of

his error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him

a lesson.

7. Unless a man has a very graceful figure, and can use it with great

elegance, it is better for him to _walk_ through the quadrilles, or

invent some gliding movement for the occasion.

8. At the end of the dance, the gentleman re-conducts the lady to her

place, bows, and thanks her for the honor which she has conferred. She

also bows in silence.

9. The master of the house should see that all the ladies dance. He

should take notice particularly of those who seem to serve as

_drapery_ to the walls of the ball-room (or _wall flowers_, as the

familiar expression is), and should see that they are invited to

dance.

10. Ladies who dance much should be very careful not to boast before

those who dance but little or not at all, of the great number of

dances for which they are engaged in advance. They should also,

without being perceived, recommend these less fortunate ladies to

gentlemen of their acquaintance.

11. For any of the members, either sons or daughters, of the family at

whose house the ball is given, to dance frequently or constantly,

denotes decided ill-breeding; the ladies should not occupy those

places in a quadrille which others may wish to fill, and they should,

moreover, be at leisure to attend to the rest of the company; and the

gentlemen should be entertaining the married women and those who do

not dance.

12. Never hazard taking part in a quadrille, unless you know how to

dance tolerably; for if you are a novice, or but little skilled, you

would bring disorder into the midst of pleasure.

13. If you accompany your wife to a dance, be careful not to dance

with her, except perhaps the first set.

14. When that long and anxiously desiderated hour, the hour of supper,

has arrived, you hand the lady you attend up or down to the

supper-table. You remain with her while she is at the table, seeing

that she has all that she desires, and then conduct her back to the

dancing-rooms.

15. A gentleman attending a lady should invariably dance the first set

with her, and may afterward introduce her to a friend for the purpose

of dancing.

16. Ball-room introductions cease with the object--viz.: dancing; nor

subsequently anywhere else can a gentleman approach the lady by

salutation or in any other mode without a re-introduction of a formal

character.

This code must be understood as applying in full only to fashionable

dancing parties in the city, though most of the rules should be

adhered to in any place. The good sense of the reader will enable him

to modify them to suit any particular occasion.

III.--ANNUAL FESTIVALS.

1. _Christmas._

At Christmas people give parties and make presents. In Europe, and in

some portions of our own country, it is the most important festive

occasion in the year. Beyond the religious observances of the

Catholics, Episcopalians, and some other sects, and the universal

custom of making presents to all our relatives and intimate friends,

and especially to the children, there is no matter of etiquette

peculiar to Christmas which it is necessary for us to note. We have

already spoken of presents; and religious ceremonies will find a place

in another chapter.

2. _The New Year._

In New York, and some other cities and towns which have adopted its

customs, every gentleman is expected to call on all his lady

acquaintances on New Year's day; and each lady on her part must be

prepared properly to do the honors of her house. Refreshments are

usually provided in great profusion. The etiquette of these occasions

does not differ materially from that of ceremonious morning calls,

except that the entire day is devoted to them, and they may be

extended beyond the limits of one's ordinary visiting list. The ladies

may make their calls on the next day, or any time within the week.

3. _Thanksgiving._

This is the great family festival of New England--the season of home

gatherings. Sons and daughters, scattered far and wide, then turn

instinctively toward the old homestead, and the fireside of their

childhood is again made glad by their presence and that of their

little ones. Etiquette requires fat turkeys, well roasted, a plenty of

_pumpkin pies_, unbounded hospitality, genuine friendliness, and

cheerful and thankful hearts.

4. _Birthdays._

Birthdays are sometimes made family festivals at which parties are

given, and presents made to the one whose anniversary is celebrated.

In France, these occasions are observed with great merry making and

many felicitations and gifts.

IV.--EXCURSIONS AND PICNICS.

Picnic excursions into the country are not occasions of ceremony, but

call for the exercise of all one's real good nature and good breeding.

On leaving the carriage, cars, or steamboat, gentlemen should of

course relieve the ladies they attend of the shawls, baskets, etc.,

with which they may have provided themselves, and give them all

necessary assistance in reaching the spot selected for the

festivities. It is also their duty and their happiness to accompany

them in their rambles, when it is the pleasure of the fair ones to

require their attendance, but _not_ to be _obtrusive_. They may

sometimes wish to be alone.

If a lady chooses to seat herself upon the ground, you are not at

liberty to follow her example unless she invites you to be seated. She

must not have occasion to think of the possibility of any impropriety

on your part. You are her servant, protector, and guard of honor. You

will of course give her your hand to assist her in rising. When the

sylvan repast is served, you will see that the ladies whose cavalier

you have the honor to be, lack nothing. The ladies, social queens

though they be, should not forget that every favor or act of courtesy

and deference, by whoever shown, demands some acknowledgment on their

part--a word, a bow, a smile, or at least a kind look.

V.--WEDDINGS.

We copy from one of the numerous manners books before us the following

condensed account of the usual ceremonies of a formal wedding. A

simpler, less ceremonious, and more private mode of giving legal

sanction to an already existing union of hearts would be more to _our_

taste; but, as the French proverb has it, _Chacun a son gout_.[K]

For a stylish wedding, the lady requires a bridegroom, two

bridesmaids, two groomsmen, and a parson or magistrate, her relatives

and whatever friends of both parties they may choose to invite. For a

formal wedding in the evening, a week's notice is requisite. The lady

fixes the day. Her mother or nearest female relation invites the

guests. The evening hour is 8 o'clock; but if the ceremony is private,

and the happy couple to start immediately and alone, the ceremony

usually takes place in the morning at eleven or twelve o'clock.

If there is an evening party, the refreshments must be as usual on

such occasions, with the addition of wedding cake, commonly a pound

cake with rich frosting, and a fruit cake.

The dress of the bride is of the purest white; her head is commonly

dressed with orange flowers, natural or artificial, and white roses.

She wears few ornaments, and none but such as are given her for the

occasion. A white lace vail is often worn on the head. White long

gloves and white satin slippers complete the costume.

The dress of the bridegroom is simply the full dress of a gentleman,

of unusual richness and elegance.

The bridesmaids are dressed also in white, but more simply than the

bride.

At the hour appointed for the ceremony, the second bridesmaid and

groomsman, when there are two, enter the room; then, first bridesmaid

and groomsman; and lastly the bride and bridegroom. They enter, the

ladies taking the arms of the gentlemen, and take seats appointed, so

that the bride is at the right of the bridegroom, and each supported

by their respective attendants.

A chair is then placed for the clergyman or magistrate in front of the

happy pair. When he comes forward to perform the ceremony, the bridal

party rises. The first bridesmaid, at the proper time, removes the

glove from the left hand of the bride; or, what seems to us more

proper, both bride and bridegroom have their gloves removed at the

beginning of the ceremony. In joining hands they take each other's

right hand, the bride and groom partially turning toward each other.

The wedding ring, of plain fine gold, provided beforehand by the

groom, is sometimes given to the clergyman, who presents it. It is

placed upon the third finger of the left hand.

When the ceremony is ended, and the twain are pronounced one flesh,

the company present their congratulations--the clergyman first, then

the mother, the father of the bride, and the relations; then the

company, the groomsmen acting as masters of ceremonies, bringing

forward and introducing the ladies, who wish the happy couple joy,

happiness, prosperity; but not exactly "many happy returns."

The bridegroom takes an early occasion to thank the clergyman, and to

put in his hand, at the same time, nicely enveloped, a piece of gold,

according to his ability and generosity. The gentleman who dropped two

half dollars into the minister's hands, as they were held out, in the

prayer, was a little confused by the occasion.

When a dance follows the ceremony and congratulations, the bride

dances, first, with the first groomsman, taking the head of the room

and the quadrille, and the bridegroom with the first bridesmaid;

afterwards as they please. The party breaks up early--certainly by

twelve o'clock.[L]

The cards of the newly married couple are sent to those only whose

acquaintance they wish to continue. No offense should be taken by

those whom they may choose to exclude. Send your card, therefore, with

the lady's, to all whom you desire to include in the circle of your

future acquaintances. The lady's card will have engraved upon it,

below her name, "At home, ---- evening, at--o'clock." They should be

sent a week previous to the evening indicated.

VI.--FUNERALS.

When any member of a family is dead, it is customary to send

intelligence of the misfortune to all who have been connected with the

deceased in relations of business or friendship. The letters which are

sent contain a special invitation to assist at the funeral. Such a

letter requires no answer.

At an interment or funeral service, the members of the family are

entitled to the first places. They are nearest to the coffin, whether

in the procession or in the church. The nearest relations go in a full

mourning dress.

We are excused from accompanying the body to the burying-ground,

unless the deceased be a relation or an intimate friend. If we go as

far as the burying-ground, we should give the first carriage to the

relations or most intimate friends of the deceased. We should walk

with the head uncovered, silently, and with such a mien as the

occasion naturally suggests.

FOOTNOTES:

[I] "Etiquette for Gentlemen."

[J] Madame Celnart

[K] Each one to his taste.

[L] "Manners Book."

VIII.

THE ETIQUETTE OF PLACES.

To ladies always yield your seat,

And lift your hat upon the street.--_Uncle Dan._

I.--ON THE STREET.

Nowhere has a man or a woman occasion more frequently to exercise the

virtue of courtesy than on the street; and in no place is the

distinction between the polite and the vulgar more marked. The

following are some of the rules of street etiquette:

Except in a case of necessity, you should not stop a business man on

the street during business hours. He may have appointments, and, in

any event, his time is precious. If you must speak with him, walk on

in his direction, or if you detain him, state your errand briefly, and

politely apologize for the detention.

Do not allow yourself to be so absent-minded or absorbed in your

business as not to recognize and salute your acquaintances on the

street. You must not make the pressure of your affairs an excuse for

rudeness. If you do not intend to stop, on meeting a friend, touch

your hat, say "Good-morning," or "I hope you are well," and pass on.

If you stop, you may offer a gloved hand, if necessary, without

apology. Waiting to draw off a tight glove is awkward. In stopping to

talk on the street, you should step aside from the human current. If

you are compelled to detain a friend, when he is walking with a

stranger, apologize to the stranger and release your friend as soon as

possible. The stranger will withdraw, in order not to hear your

conversation. Never leave a friend suddenly on the street, either to

join another or for any other reason, without a brief apology.

In walking with gentlemen who are your superiors in age or station,

give them the place of honor, by taking yourself the outer side of the

pavement.

When you meet a lady with whom you are acquainted, you should lift

your hat, as you bow to her; but unless you are intimate friends, it

is the lady's duty to give some sign of recognition first, as she

might _possibly_ choose to "cut" you, and thus place you in a very

awkward position; but unless you have forfeited all claims to respect,

she certainly _should_ not do such a thing.

In meeting a gentleman whom you know, walking with a lady with whom

you are not acquainted, you are to bow with grave respect to her

also.[M] If you are acquainted with both, you bow first to the lady,

and then, less profoundly, to the gentleman.

If your glove be dark colored, or your hand ungloved, do not offer to

shake hands with a lady in full dress. If you wish to speak with a

lady whom you meet on the street, turn and walk with her; but you

should not accompany her far, except at her request, and should always

lift your hat and bow upon withdrawing.

Be careful to avoid intrusion everywhere; and for this reason be very

sure that such an addition to their party would be perfectly agreeable

before you join a lady and gentleman who may be walking together;

otherwise you might find yourself in the position of an "awkward

third."

In walking with ladies on the street, gentlemen will of course treat

them with the most scrupulous _politeness_. This requires that you

place yourself in that relative position in which you can best shield

them from danger or inconvenience. You generally give them the wall

side, but circumstances may require you to reverse this position.

You must offer your arm to a lady with whom you are walking whenever

her safety, comfort, or convenience may seem to require such attention

on your part. At night, in taking a long walk in the country, or in

ascending the steps of a public building, your arm should always be

tendered.

In walking with ladies or elderly people, a gentleman must not forget

to accommodate his speed to theirs. In walking with _any_ person you

should _keep step_ with military precision.

If a lady with whom you are walking receives the salute of a person

who is a stranger to you, you should return it, not for yourself, but

for her.

When a lady whom you accompany wishes to enter a shop, or _store_ (if

we must use an Americanism to explain a good English word), you should

hold the door open and allow her to enter first, if practicable; for

you must never pass before a lady anywhere, if you can avoid it, or

without an apology.

If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman on the street, he will

lift his hat, or at least touch it respectfully, as he replies. If he

can not give the information required, he will express his regrets.

"When tripping over the pavement," Madame Celnart says, "a lady should

gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle. With her right

hand she should hold together the folds of her gown and draw them

toward the right side. To raise the dress on both sides, and with both

hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can be tolerated only for a

moment, when the mud is very deep." This was written in Paris, and not

in New York.

American ladies dress too richly and elaborately for the street. You

should dress well--neatly and in good taste, and in material adapted

to the season; but the full costume, suitable to the carriage or the

drawing-room, is entirely out of place in a shopping excursion, and

does not indicate a refined taste; in other words, it looks

_snobbish_.

The out-door costume of ladies is not complete without a shawl or a

mantle. Shawls are difficult to wear gracefully, and few American

ladies wear them well. You should not drag a shawl tight to your

shoulders, and stick out your elbows, but fold it loosely and

gracefully, so that it may fully envelop the figure.

II.--SHOPPING.

Madame Celnart has the following hints to the ladies on this important

subject. Having enjoined the most patient and forbearing courtesy on

the part of the shopkeeper,[N] she proceeds:

"Every civility ought to be reciprocal, or nearly so. If the officious

politeness of the shopkeeper does not require an equal return, he has

at least a claim to civil treatment; and, finally, if this politeness

proceed from interest, is this a reason why purchasers should add to

the unpleasantness of his profession, and disregard violating the

laws of politeness? Many very respectable people allow themselves so

many infractions in this particular, that I think it my duty to dwell

upon it.

"You should never say, _I want such a thing_, but _Show me, if you

please, that article_, or use some other polite form of address. If

they do not show you at first the articles you desire, and you are

obliged to examine a great number, apologize to the shopkeeper for the

trouble you give him. If after all you can not suit yourself, renew

your apologies when you go away.

"If you make small purchases, say, _I am sorry for having troubled you

for so trifling a thing_. If you spend a considerable time in the

selection of articles, apologize to the shopkeeper who waits for you

to decide.

"If the price seems to you too high, and the shop has not fixed

prices, ask an abatement in brief and civil terms, and without ever

appearing to suspect the good faith of the shopkeeper. If he does not

yield, do not enter into a contest with him, but go away, after

telling him politely that you think you can obtain the article cheaper

elsewhere, but if not, that you will give him the preference."

III.--AT CHURCH.

If you go to church, be in season, that you may not interrupt the

congregation by entering after the services have commenced. The

celebrated Mrs. Chapone said that it was a part of her religion not to

disturb the religion of others. We may all adopt with profit that

article of her creed. Always remove your hat on entering a church. If

you attend ladies, you open the door of the slip for them, allowing

them to enter first. Your demeanor should of course be such as becomes

the place and occasion. If you are so unfortunate as to have no

religious feelings yourself, you must respect those of others.

It is the custom in some places for gentlemen who may be already in a

slip or pew to deploy into the aisle, on the arrival of a lady who may

desire admittance, allow her to enter, and then resume their seats.

This is a very awkward and annoying maneuver.

You should pay due respect to the observances of the church you

attend. If you have conscientious scruples against kneeling in an

Episcopal or Catholic church, you should be a little more

conscientious, and stay away.

Good manners do not require young gentlemen to stand about the door of

a church to see the ladies come out; and the ladies will excuse the

omission of this mark of admiration.

IV.--AT PLACES OF AMUSEMENT.

Gentlemen who attend ladies to the opera, to concerts, to lectures,

etc., should endeavor to go early in order to secure good seats,

unless, indeed, they have been previously secured, and to avoid the

disagreeable crowd which they are liable to encounter if they go a

little later.

Gentlemen _should_ take off their hats on entering _any_ public room

(or dwelling either). They will, of course, do so if attending ladies,

on showing them their seats. Having taken your seats, remain quietly

in them, and avoid, unless absolute necessity require it, incommoding

others by crowding out and in before them. If obliged to do this,

politely apologize for the trouble you cause them.

To talk during the performance is an act of rudeness and injustice.

You thus proclaim your own ill-breeding and invade the rights of

others, who have paid for the privilege of hearing the performers, and

not for listening to you.

If you are in attendance upon a lady at any opera, concert, or

lecture, you should retain your seat at her side; but if you have no

lady with you, and have taken a desirable seat, you should, if need

be, cheerfully relinquish it in favor of a lady, for one less

eligible.

Be careful to secure your _libretto_ or opera book, concert bill or

programme, before taking your seat.

To the opera, ladies should wear opera hoods, which are to be taken

off on entering. In this country, custom _permits_ the wearing of

bonnets; but as they are (in our opinion) neither comfortable nor

beautiful, we advise the ladies to dispense with their use whenever

they can.

Gloves should be worn by ladies in church, and in places of public

amusement. Do not take them off to shake hands. Great care should be

taken that they are well made and fit neatly.

V.--IN A PICTURE GALLERY.

A gallery of paintings or sculpture is a temple of Art, and he is

little better than a barbarian who can enter it without a feeling of

reverence for the presiding divinity of the place. Loud talking,

laughing, pushing before others who are examining a picture or statue,

moving seats noisily, or any rude or discourteous conduct, seems like

profanation in such a place. Avoid them by all means, we entreat you;

and though you wear your hat everywhere else, reverently remove it

here.

VI.--THE PRESENCE.

"The mode in which respect to the presence of a human being should be

shown maybe left to custom. In the East, men take off their shoes

before entering an apartment. We take off the hat, and add a verbal

salutation. The mode is unimportant; it may vary with the humor of the

moment; it may change with the changing fashion; but no one who

respects himself, and has a proper regard for others, will omit to

give _some_ sign that he recognizes an essential difference between a

horse and a man, between a stable and a house."[O]

VII.---TRAVELING.

Under no circumstances is courtesy more urgently demanded, or rudeness

more frequently displayed, than in traveling. The infelicities and

vexations which so often attend a journey seem to call out all the

latent selfishness of one's nature; and the commonest observances of

politeness are, we are sorry to say, sometimes neglected. In the

scramble for tickets, for seats, for state-rooms, or for places at a

public table, good manners are too frequently elbowed aside and

trampled under foot. Even our national deference for women is

occasionally lost sight of in our headlong rush for the railway cars

or the steamer.

To avoid the scramble we have alluded to, purchase tickets and secure

state-rooms in advance, if practicable, especially if you are

accompanied by ladies, and, in any event, _be in good time_.

In the cars or stage-coach never allow considerations of personal

comfort or convenience to cause you to disregard for a moment the

rights of your fellow-travelers, or forget the respectful courtesy

due to woman. The pleasantest or most comfortable seats belong to the

ladies, and no gentleman will refuse to resign such seats to them with

a cheerful politeness. In a stage-coach you give them the back seat,

unless they prefer another and take an outside seat yourself, if their

convenience requires it. But a word to--_Americans_ will be enough on

this point.

And what do good manners require of the ladies? That which is but a

little thing to the bestower, but of priceless value to the

receiver--_thanks_--a smile--a grateful look at least. Is this too

much?

Mr. Arbiter, whom we find quoted in a newspaper, has some rather

severe strictures on the conduct of American ladies. He says:

"We boast of our politeness as a nation, and point out to foreigners,

with pride, the alacrity with which Americans make way for women in

all public places. Some love to call this chivalry. It is certainly an

amiable trait of character, though frequently carried to an absurd

extent. But what the men possess in this form of politeness the women

appear to have lost. They never think of acknowledging, in any way,

the kindness of the gentleman who gives up his seat, but settle

themselves triumphantly in their new places, as if they were entitled

to them by divine right."

We are compelled to admit that there is at least an appearance of

truth in this charge. We have had constant opportunities to observe

the behavior of ladies in omnibuses and on board the crowded

ferry-boats which ply between some of our large cities and their

suburbs. We have, of course (as what gentleman has not?), relinquished

our seats hundreds of times to ladies. _For the occasional bow or

smile of acknowledgment, or_ _pleasant "Thank you," which we have

received in return, we have almost invariably been indebted to some

fair foreigner._

We believe that American ladies are as polite _at heart_ as those of

any other nation, but _they do not say it_.

The fair readers of our little book will, we are sure, excuse us for

these hints, since they are dictated by the truest and most reverent

love for their sex, and a sincere desire to serve them.

If in traveling you are thrown into the company of an invalid, or an

aged person, or a woman with children and without a male protector,

feelings of humanity, as well as sentiments of politeness, will

dictate such kind attentions as, without being obtrusive, you can find

occasion to bestow.

You have no right to keep a window open for your accommodation, if the

current of air thus produced annoy or endanger the health of another.

There are a sufficient number of discomforts in traveling, at best,

and it should be the aim of each passenger to lessen them as much as

possible, and to cheerfully bear his own part. Life is a journey, and

we are all fellow-travelers.

If in riding in an omnibus, or crossing a ferry with a friend, he

wishes to pay for you, never insist on paying for yourself or for

both. If he is before you, let the matter pass without remark, and

return the compliment on another occasion.

FOOTNOTES:

[M] "Colonel Lunettes"

[N] For hints on the importance of politeness as an element of success

in business, see "How to Do Business."

[O] James Parton.

IX.

LOVE AND COURTSHIP.

Learn to win a lady's faith

Nobly, as the thing is high;

Bravely, as for life and death,

With a loyal gravity.

Lead her from the festive boards;

Point her to the starry skies;

Guard her by your truthful words

Pure from courtship's flatteries.--_Mrs. Browning._

I.--A HINT OR TWO.

To treat the subject of love and courtship in all its bearings would

require a volume. It is with the etiquette of the tender passion that

we have to do here. A few preliminary hints, however, will not be

deemed out of place.

Boys often fall in love (and girls too, we believe) at a very tender

age. Some charming cousin, or a classmate of his sister, in the

village school, weaves silken meshes around the throbbing heart of the

young man in his teens. This is well. He is made better and happier by

his boyish loves--for he generally has a succession of them, but they

are seldom permanent. They are only beautiful foreshadowings of the

deeper and more earnest love of manhood, which is to bind him to his

_other self_ with ties which only death can sever. Read Ik Marvel's

"Dream Life."

Before a young man has reached the proper age to marry--say

twenty-five, as an average--he ought to have acquired such a knowledge

of himself, physically and mentally considered, and of the principles

which ought to decide the choice of matrimonial partners and govern

the relations of the sexes, as will enable him to set up a proper

standard of female excellence, and to determine what qualities,

physical and mental, should characterize the woman who is to be the

angel of his home and the mother of his children. With this knowledge

he is prepared to go into society and choose his mate, following

trustingly the attractions of his soul. Love is an affair of the

heart, but the head should be its privy counselor.

Do not make up your mind to wait till you have acquired a fortune

before you marry. You should not, however, assume the responsibilities

of a family without a reasonable prospect of being able to maintain

one. If you are established in business, or have an adequate income

for the immediate requirements of the new relation, you may safely

trust your own energy and self-reliance for the rest.

Women reach maturity earlier than men, and may marry earlier--say (as

an average age), at twenty. The injunction, "Know thyself," applies

with as much emphasis to a woman as to a man. Her perceptions are

keener than ours, and her sensibilities finer, and she may trust more

to _instinct_, but she should add to these natural qualifications a

thorough knowledge of her own physical and mental constitution, and of

whatever relates to the requirements of her destiny as wife and

mother. The importance of sound _health_ and _a perfect development_,

can not be overrated. _Without these you are_ NEVER _fit to marry_.[P]

Having satisfied yourself that you really love a woman--be careful, as

you value your future happiness and hers, not to make a _mistake_ in

this matter--you will find occasion to manifest, in a thousand ways,

your preference, by means of those tender but delicate and

deferential attentions which love always prompts. "Let the heart

speak." The heart you address will understand its language. Be

earnest, sincere, self-loyal, and manly in this matter above all

others. Let there be no nauseous flattery and no sickly sentimentality

Leave the former to fops and the latter to beardless school-boys.

Though women do not "propose"--that is, as a general rule--they "make

love" to the men none the less; and it is right. The divine attraction

is mutual, and should have its proper expression on both sides. If you

are attracted toward a man who seems to you an embodiment of all that

is noble and manly, you do injustice both to him and yourself if you

do not, in some way entirely consistent with maiden modesty, allow him

to _see_ and _feel_ that he pleases you. But _you_ do not need our

instructions, and we will only hint, in conclusion, that forwardness,

flirting, and a too _obtrusive_ manifestation of preference are _not_

agreeable to men of sense. As a man should be _manly_, so should a

woman be _womanly_ in her love.

II.--OBSERVANCES.

1. _Particular Attentions._

Avoid even the slightest appearance of _trifling_ with the feelings of

a woman. A female coquette is bad enough. A male coquette ought to be

banished from society. Let there be a clearly perceived, if not an

easily defined, distinction between the attentions of common courtesy

or of friendship and those of love. All misunderstanding on this point

can and must be avoided.

The particular attentions you pay to the object of your devotion

should not make you rude or uncivil to other women. Every woman is

_her_ sister, and should be treated with becoming respect and

attention. Your special attentions to her in society should not be

such as to make her or you the subject of ridicule. Make no public

exhibition of your endearments.

2. _Presents._

If you make presents, let them be selected with good taste, and of

such cost as is fully warranted by your means. Your mistress will not

love you better for any extravagance in this matter. The value of a

gift is not to be estimated in dollars and cents. A lady of good sense

and delicacy will discourage in her lover all needless expenditure in

ministering to her gratification, or in proof of his devotion.

3. _Confidants._

Lovers usually feel a certain need of confidants in their affairs of

the heart. In general, they should be of the opposite sex. A young man

may with profit open his heart to his mother, an elder sister, or a

female friend considerably older than himself. The young lady may with

equal advantage make a brother, an uncle, or some good middle-aged

married man the repository of her love secrets, her hopes, and her

fears.

4. _Declarations._

We shall make no attempt to prescribe a form for "popping the

question." Each must do it in his own way; but let it be clearly

understood and admit no evasion. A single word--yes, less than that,

on the lady's part, will suffice to answer it. If the carefully

studied phrases which you have repeated so many times and so fluently

to yourself, will persist in sticking in your throat and choking you,

put them correctly and neatly on a sheet of the finest white note

paper, inclosed in a fine but plain white envelope (see "How to

Write"), seal it handsomely with _wax_, address and direct it

carefully, and find some way to convey it to her hand. The lady's

answer should be frank and unequivocal, revealing briefly and modestly

her real feelings and consequent decision.

5. _Asking "Pa."_

Asking the consent of parents or guardians is, in this country, where

women claim a right to choose for themselves, a mere form, and may

often be dispensed with. The lady's wishes, however, should be

complied with in this as in all other matters. And if consent is

refused? This will rarely happen. If it does, there is a remedy, and

we should have a poor opinion of the love or the spirit of the woman

who would hesitate to apply it. If she is of age, she has a legal as

well as a moral right to bestow her love and her hand upon whom she

pleases. If she does not love you well enough to do this, _at any

sacrifice_, you should consider the refusal of her friends a very

fortunate occurrence. If she is not of age, the legal aspect of the

affair may be different, but, at worst, she can wait until her

majority puts her in possession of all her rights.

6. _Refusals._

If a lady finds it necessary to say "no" to a proposal, she should do

it in the kindest and most considerate manner, so as not to inflict

unnecessary pain; but her answer should be definite and decisive, and

the gentleman should at once withdraw his suit. If ladies will my "no"

when they mean "yes," to a sincere and earnest suitor, they must

suffer the consequences.

7. _Engagement._

The "engaged" need not take particular pains to proclaim the nature of

the relation in which they stand to each other, neither should they

attempt or desire to conceal it. Their intercourse with each other

should be frank and confiding, but prudent, and their conduct in

reference to other persons of the opposite sex, such as will not give

occasion for a single pang of jealousy.

Of the "getting ready," which follows the engagement, on the part of

the lady, our fair readers know a great deal more than we could tell

them.

8. _Breaking Off._

Engagements made in accordance with the simple and brief directions

contained in the first section of this chapter, will seldom be broken

off. If such a painful _necessity_ occurs, let it be met with

firmness, but with delicacy. If you have made a _mistake_, it is

infinitely better to correct it at the last moment than not at all. A

_marriage_ is not so easily "broken off."

On breaking off an engagement, all letters, presents, etc., should be

returned, and both parties should consider themselves pledged to the

most honorable and delicate conduct in reference to the whole matter,

and to the private affairs of each other, a knowledge of which their

former relation may have put into their possession.

9. _Marriage._

It devolves upon the lady to fix the day. She will hardly disregard

the stereotyped request of the impatient lover to make it an "early"

one; but she knows best how soon the never-to-be-neglected

"preparations" can be made. For the wedding ceremonies see Chapter

VII. A few hints to husbands and wives may be found in Chapter V.

FOOTNOTE:

[P] See "Physical Perfection; or How to Acquire and Retain Beauty,

Grace, and Strength," now (1857) in the course of preparation.

PARLIAMENTARY ETIQUETTE.

The object of a meeting for deliberation is, of course, to

obtain a free expression of opinion and a fair decision of the

questions discussed. Without rules of order this object would,

in most cases, be utterly defeated; for there would be no

uniformity in the modes of proceeding, no restraint upon

indecorous or disorderly conduct, no protection to the rights

and privileges of members, no guarantee against the caprices

and usurpations of the presiding officer, no safeguard against

tyrannical majorities, nor any suitable regard to the rights of

the minority.--_McElligott._

I.--COURTESY IN DEBATE.

The fundamental principles of courtesy, so strenuously insisted upon

throughout this work, must be rigorously observed in the debating

society, lyceum, legislative assembly, and wherever questions are

publicly debated. In fact, we have not yet discovered _any_ occasion

on which a gentleman is justified in being anything less than--a

gentleman.

In a paragraph appended to the constitution and by-laws of a New York

debating club, members are enjoined to treat each other with delicacy

and respect, conduct all discussions with candor, moderation, and open

generosity, avoid all personal allusions and sarcastic language

calculated to wound the feelings of a brother, and cherish concord and

good fellowship. The spirit of this injunction should pervade the

heart of every man who attempts to take part in the proceedings of any

deliberative assembly.

II.--ORIGIN OF THE PARLIAMENTARY CODE.

The rules of order of our State Legislatures, and of other less

important deliberative bodies, are, in almost all fundamental points,

the same as those of the National Congress, which, again, are

derived, in the main, from those of the British Parliament, the

differences which exist growing out of differences in government and

institutions. It is in allusion to its origin that the code of rules

and regulations thus generally adopted is often called "The Common

Code of Parliamentary Law."

III.--RULES OF ORDER.

1. _Motions._

A deliberative body being duly organized, motions are in order. The

party moving a resolution, or making a motion in its simplest form,

introduces it either with or without remarks, by saying: "Mr.

President, I beg leave to offer the following resolution," or "I move

that," etc. A motion is not debatable till seconded. The member

seconding simply says: "I second that motion." The resolution or

motion is then stated by the chairman, and is open for debate.

2. _Speaking._

A member wishing to speak on a question, resolution, or motion, must

rise in his place and respectfully address his remarks to the chairman

or president, _confining himself to the question, and avoiding

personality_. Should more than one member rise at the same time, the

chairman must decide which is entitled to the floor. No member must

speak more than once till every member wishing to speak shall have

spoken. In debating societies (and it is for their benefit that we

make this abstract) it is necessary to define not only how many times,

but how long at each time a member may speak on a question.

3. _Submitting a Question._

When the debate or deliberation upon a subject appears to be at a

close, the presiding officer simply asks, "Is the society [assembly,

or whatever the body may be] ready for the question?" or, "Are you

ready for the question?" If no one signifies a desire further to

discuss or consider the subject, he then submits the question in due

form.

4. _Voting._

The voting is generally by "ayes and noes," and the answers on both

sides being duly given, the presiding officer announces the result,

saying, "The ayes have it," or, "The noes have it," according as he

finds one side or the other in the majority. If there is a doubt in

his mind which side has the larger number, he says, "The ayes _appear_

to have it," or, "The noes _appear_ to have it," as the case may be.

If there is no dissent, he adds, "The ayes _have_ it," or, "The noes

_have_ it." But should the president be unable to decide, or if his

decision be questioned, and a division of the house be called for, it

is his duty immediately to divide or arrange the assembly as to allow

the votes on each side to be accurately counted; and if the members

are equally divided, the president must give the casting vote. It is

the duty of every member to vote; but in some deliberative bodies a

member may be excused at his own request. Sometimes it is deemed

advisable to record the names of members in connection with the votes

they give, in which case the roll is called by the secretary, and each

answers "yes" or "no," which is noted or marked opposite his name.

5. _A Quorum._

A quorum is such a number of members as may be required, by rule or

statute, to be present at a meeting in order to render its

transactions valid or legal.

6. _The Democratic Principle._

All questions, unless their decision be otherwise fixed by law, are

determined by a majority of votes.

7. _Privileged Questions._

There are certain motions which are allowed to supersede a question

already under debate. These are called privileged questions. The

following are the usually recognized privileged questions:

1. _Adjournment._--A motion to adjourn is always in order, and takes

precedence of all others; but it must not be entertained while a

member is speaking, unless he give way for that purpose, nor while a

vote is in progress. It is not debatable, and can not be amended.

2. _To Lie on the Table._--A motion to lay a subject on the

table--that is, to set it aside till it is the pleasure of the body to

resume its consideration--generally takes precedence of all others,

except the motion to adjourn. It can neither be debated nor amended.

3. _The Previous Question._--The intention of the previous question is

to arrest discussion and test at once the sense of the meeting. Its

form is, "Shall the main question now be put?" It is not debatable,

and can not be amended. An affirmative decision precludes all further

debate on the main question. The effect of a negative decision,

_unless otherwise determined by a special rule_, is to leave the main

question and all amendments just as it found them.

4. _Postponement._--A motion to postpone the consideration of a

question indefinitely, which is equivalent to setting it aside

altogether, may be amended by inserting a certain day. It is not

debatable.

5. _Commitment._--A motion to commit is made when a question,

otherwise admissible, is presented in an objectionable or

inconvenient form. If there be no standing committee to which it can

be properly submitted, a select committee may be raised for the

purpose. It may be amended.

6. _Amendment._--The legitimate use of a motion to amend is to correct

or improve the original motion or resolution; but a motion properly

before an assembly may be altered in _any_ way; even so as to turn it

entirely from its original purpose, unless some rule or law shall

exist to prevent this subversion. An amendment may be amended, but

here the process must cease. An amendment must of course be put to

vote before the original question. A motion to amend holds the same

rank as the previous question and indefinite postponement, and that

which is moved first must be put first. It may be superseded, however,

by a motion to postpone to a certain day, or a motion to commit.

7. _Orders of the Day._--Subjects appointed for a specified time are

called orders of the day, and a motion for them takes precedence of

all other business, except a motion to adjourn, or a question of

privilege.

8. _Questions of Privilege._--These are questions which involve the

rights and privileges of individual members, or of the society or

assembly collectively. They take precedence over all other

propositions, except a motion to adjourn.

9. _Questions of Order._--In case of any breach of the rules of the

society or body, any member may rise to the point of order, and insist

upon its due enforcement; but in case of a difference of opinion

whether a rule has been violated or not, the question must be

determined before the application of the rule can be insisted upon.

Such a question is usually decided upon by the presiding officer,

without debate; but any member may appeal from his decision, and

demand a vote of the house on the matter. A question of order is

debatable, and the presiding officer, contrary to rule in other cases,

may participate in the discussion.

10. _Reading of Papers._--When papers or documents of any kind are

laid before a deliberative assembly, every member has a right to have

them read before he can be required to vote upon them. They are

generally read by the secretary, on the reading being called for,

without the formality of a vote.

11. _Withdrawal of a Motion._--Unless there be a rule to that effect,

a motion once before the assembly can not be withdrawn without a vote

of the house, on a motion to allow its withdrawal.

12. _The Suspension of Rules._--When anything is proposed which is

forbidden by a special rule, it must be preceded by a motion for the

suspension of the rule, which, if there be no standing rule to the

contrary, may be carried by a majority of votes; but most deliberative

bodies have an established rule on this subject, requiring a fixed

proportion of the votes--usually two thirds.

13. _The Motion to Reconsider._--The intention of this is to enable an

assembly to revise a decision found to be erroneous. The time within

which a motion to reconsider may be entertained is generally fixed by

a special rule; and the general rule is, that it must emanate from

some member who voted with the majority. In Congress, a motion to

reconsider takes precedence of all other motions, except the motion to

adjourn.

8. _Order of Business._

In all permanently organized bodies there should be an order of

business, established by a special rule or by-law; but where no such

rule or law exists, the president, unless otherwise directed by a

vote of the assembly, arranges the business in such order as he may

think most desirable. The following is the order of business of the

New York Debating Club, referred to in a previous section. It may be

easily so modified as to be suitable for any similar society:

1. Call to order.

2. Calling the roll.

3. Reading the minutes of previous meeting.

4. Propositions for membership.

5. Reports of special committee.

6. Balloting for candidates.

7. Reports of standing committee.

8. Secretary's report.

9. Treasurer's report.

10. Reading for the evening.

11. Recitations for the evening.

12. Candidates initiated.

13. Unfinished business.

14. Debate.

15. New business.

16. Adjournment.

9. _Order of Debate._

1. A member having got the floor, is entitled to be heard to the end,

or till the time fixed by rule has expired; and all interruptions,

except a call to order, are not only out of order, but rude in the

extreme.

2. A member who temporarily yields the floor to another, is generally

permitted to resume as soon as the interruption ceases, but he can not

claim to do so as a right.

3. It is neither in order nor in good taste to designate members by

name in debate, and they must in no case be directly addressed. Such

forms as, "The gentleman who has just taken his seat," or, "The member

on the other side of the house," etc., may be made use of to designate

persons.

4. Every speaker is bound to confine himself to the question. This

rule is, however, very liberally interpreted in most deliberative

assemblies.

5. Every speaker is bound to avoid personalities, and to exercise in

all respects a courteous and gentlemanly deportment. Principles and

measures are to be discussed, and not the motives or character of

those who advocate them.[Q]

FOOTNOTE:

[Q] The foregoing rules of order have been mainly condensed from that

excellent work, "The American Debater," by James N. McElligott, LL.D.,

to which the reader is referred for a complete exposition of the whole

subject of debating. Published by Ivison and Phinney, New York, and

for sale by Fowler and Wells.

XI.

MISCELLANEOUS MATTERS.

These, some will say, are little things. It is true, they are

little but it is equally clear that they are necessary

things.--_Chesterfield._

I.--REPUBLICAN DISTINCTIONS.

We have defined equality in another place. We fully accept the

doctrine as there set forth. We have no respect for mere conventional

and arbitrary distinctions. Hereditary titles command no deference

from us. Lords and dukes are entitled to no respect simply because

they are lords and dukes. If they are really _noble men_, we honor

them accordingly. Their titles are mere social fictions.

True republicanism requires that every man shall have an equal

chance--that every man shall be free to become as unequal as he can.

No man should be valued the less or the more on account of his

grandfather, his position, his possessions, or his occupation. The MAN

should be superior to the accidents of his birth, and should take that

rank which is due to his merit.[R]

The error committed by our professedly republican communities

consists, not in the recognition of classes and grades of rank, but in

placing them, as they too often do, on artificial and not on natural

grounds. We have had frequent occasion, in the preceding pages, to

speak of superiors and inferiors. We fully recognize the relation

which these words indicate. It is useless to quarrel with Nature, who

has nowhere in the universe given us an example of the absolute,

unqualified, dead-level equality which some pseudo-reformers have

vainly endeavored to institute among men. Such leveling is neither

possible nor desirable. Harmony is born of difference, and not of

sameness.

We have in our country a class of toad-eaters who delight in paying

the most obsequious homage to fictitious rank of every kind. A vulgar

millionaire of the Fifth Avenue, and a foreign adventurer with a

meaningless title, are equally objects of their misplaced deference.

Losing sight of their own manhood and self-respect, they descend to

the most degrading sycophancy. We have little hope of benefiting them.

They are "joined to their idols; let them alone."

But a much larger class of our people are inclined to go to the

opposite extreme, and ignore veneration, in its human aspect,

altogether. They have no reverence for anybody or anything. This class

of people will read our book, and, we trust, profit by its well-meant

hints. We respect them, though we can not always commend their

manners. They have independence and manliness, but fail to accord due

respect to the manhood of others. It is for their special benefit that

we leave touched with considerable emphasis on the deference due to

age and _genuine_ rank, from whatever source derived.

Your townsman, Mr. Dollarmark, has no claim on you for any special

token of respect, simply because he inherited half a million, which

has grown in his hands to a million and a half, while you can not

count half a thousand, or because he lives in his own palatial

mansion, and you in a hired cottage; but your neighbor, Mr. Anvil,

who, setting out in life, like yourself, without a penny, has amassed

a little fortune by his own unaided exertions, and secured a high

social position by his manliness, integrity, and good breeding, is

entitled to a certain deference on your part--a recognition of his

merits and his superiority. Mr. Savant, who has gained distinction for

himself and conferred honor on his country by his scientific

discoveries, and your aged friend Mr. Goodman, who, though a stranger

to both wealth and fame, is drawing toward the close of a long and

useful life, during which he has helped to build up and give character

to the place in which he lives, have, each in his own way, _earned_

the right to some token of deference from those who have not yet

reached an equally elevated position.

It is not for birth, or wealth, or occupation, or any other accidental

circumstance, that we ask reverence, but for _inherent nobility

wrought out in life_. This is what should give men rank and titles in

a republic.

Your hired man, Patrick, may be your inferior, but it is not because

he is your hired man. Another man, who is your _superior_ in every

way, may stand in the same business relation to you. He may sell you

certain stipulated services for a stipulated amount of money; but you

bargain for no deference that your real social position and character

do not call for from him. He, and not you, may be entitled to the

"wall side," and to precedence everywhere.

II.--CITY AND COUNTRY.

The words _civil_ and _civilized_ are derived from the Latin _civitas_

(Ital., _citta_), a city, and _polite_, from the Greek [Greek: polis]

(_polis_), a city; because cities are the first to become civilized,

or _civil_, and polite, or _polished_ (Latin, _polire_). They are

still, as a general rule, the home of the most highly cultivated

people, as well as of the rudest and most degraded, and unquestioned

arbiters of fashion and social observances. For this reason the rules

of etiquette laid down in this and all other works on the subject of

manners, are calculated, as the astronomers say, for the meridian of

the city. The observances of the country are borrowed from the city,

and modified to suit the social condition and wants of the different

localities. This must always be borne in mind, and your behavior

regulated accordingly. The white or pale yellow gloves, which you must

wear during the whole evening at a fashionable evening party in the

city, under pain of being set down as unbearably vulgar, would be very

absurd appendages at a social gathering at a farm-house in the

country. None but a _snob_ would wear them at such a place. So with

other things.

III.--IMPORTED MANNERS.

N. P. Willis says, "We should be glad to see a distinctly American

school of good manners, in which all useless etiquette were thrown

aside, but every politeness adopted or invented which could promote

sensible and easy exchanges of good-will and sociability. Good sense

and consideration for others should be the basis of every usage of

polite life that is worth regarding. Indeed, we have long thought that

our country was old enough to adopt measures and etiquettes of its

own, based, like all other politeness, upon benevolence and common

sense. To get rid of imported etiquette is the first thing to do for

American politeness."

This is an important truth well stated. We have had enough of mere

imported conventionalism in manners. Our usages should not be English

or French usages, further than English and French usages are founded

on universal principles. Politeness is the same everywhere and always,

but the forms of etiquette must change with times and places; for an

observance which may be proper and useful in London or Paris, may be

abundantly absurd in New York.

IV.--FICTITIOUS TITLES.

In answer to a correspondent who inquires whether an American citizen

should address a European nobleman by his title, _Life Illustrated_

says:

"We answer, unhesitatingly, No. Most of the European titles are purely

fictitious, as well as ridiculous. The Duke of Northumberland, for

example, has nothing in particular to do with Northumberland, nor does

he exercise dukeship (or leadership) over anything except his private

estate. The title is a perfect absurdity; it means nothing whatever;

it is a mere nickname; and Mr. Percy is a fool for permitting himself

to be addressed as 'My Lord Duke,' and 'Your Grace.' Indeed, even in

England, gentlemen use those titles very sparingly, and servants alone

habitually employ then. American citizens who are thrown, in their

travels, or in their intercourse with society, into communication with

persons bearing titles, may treat them with all due respect without

Gracing or My-Lording them. In our opinion, they should do so. And we

have faith enough in the good sense of the English people to believe

that the next generation, or the next but one, will see a general

abandonment of fictitious titles by the voluntary action of the very

people who hold them. At the same time, we are inclined to think that

the bestowment of real titles--titles which mean something, titles

given in recognition of distinguished worth and eminent services,

titles not hereditary--will be one of the most cherished prerogatives

of the enlightened states of the good time coming. The first step,

however, must be the total abolition of all titles which are

fictitious and hereditary."

V.--A MIRROR FOR CERTAIN MEN.

The following rather broad hints to certain bipeds who _ought_ to be

gentlemen, were clipped from some newspaper. We are sorry we do not

know to whom to credit the article:

"Who can tell why women are expected, on pain of censure and

avoidance, to conform to a high standard of behavior, while men are

indulged in another a great deal lower? We never could fully

understand why men should be tolerated in the chewing of tobacco, in

smoking and in spitting everywhere almost, and at all times, whereas a

woman can not do any of these things without exciting aversion and

disgust. Why ought a man to be allowedly so self-indulgent, putting

his limbs and person in all manner of attitudes, however uncouth and

distasteful, merely because such vulgarities yield him temporary

eases, while a woman is always required to preserve an attitude, if

not of positive grace, at least of decency and propriety, from which

if she departs, though but for an instant, she forfeits respect, and

is instantly branded as a low creature!

"Can any one say why a man when he has the tooth-ache, or is called to

suffer in any other way, should be permitted, as a matter of course,

to groan and bellow, and vent his feelings very much in the style of

an animal not endowed with reason, while a woman similarly suffering

must bear it in silence and decorum? Why, should men, as a class,

habitually, and as a matter of right, boldly wear the coarsest

qualities of human nature on the outside, and swear and fight, and

beastify themselves, so that they are obliged to be put into separate

pens in the cars on railroads, and at the depots, while woman must

appear with an agreeable countenance, if not in smiles, even when the

head, or perhaps the heart, aches, and are expected to permit nothing

ill-tempered, disagreeable, or even unhappy to appear outwardly, but

to keep all these concealed in their own bosoms to suffer as they may,

lest they might otherwise lessen the cheerfulness of others?

"These are a few suggestions only among many we would hint to the

stronger and more exciting sex to be reflected on for the improvement

of their tastes and manners. In the mirror thus held up before them,

they can not avoid observing the very different standards by which the

behavior of the two sexes is constantly regulated. If any reason can

be assigned why one should always be a lady, and the other hardly ever

a gentleman, we hope it will be done."

VI.--WASHINGTON'S CODE OF MANNERS.

Every action ought to be with some sign of respect to those present.

Be no flatterer; neither play with any one who delights not to be

played with. Read no paper or book in company. Come not near the

papers or books of another when he is writing. Let your countenance be

cheerful; but in serious matters be grave. Let your discourse with

others, on matters of business, be short. It is good manners to let

others speak first. When a man does all he can, do not blame him,

though he succeeds not well. Take admonitions thankfully. Be not too

hasty to receive lying reports to the injury of another. Let your

dress be modest, and consult your condition. _Play not the peacock by

looking vainly at yourself._ It is better to be alone than in bad

company. Let your conversation be without malice or envy. Urge not

your friend to discover a secret. Break not a jest where none take

pleasure in mirth. Gaze not on the blemishes of others. When another

speaks, be attentive.

VII.--MARKED PASSAGES.

On turning over the leaves of the various works on etiquette which we

have had occasion to consult in the preparation of this little manual,

we have marked with our pencil a large number of passages which seemed

to us to embody important facts or thoughts, with the hope of being

able to weave them into our work, each in its appropriate place. Some

of them we have made use of according to our original intention; a few

others not elsewhere used, we purpose to throw together here without

any attempt at classification.

1. _Our Social Uniform._

The universal partiality of our countrymen for _black_, as the color

of dress clothes, at least, is frequently remarked upon by foreigners.

Among the best dressed men on the Continent, as well as in England,

black, through not confined to the clergy, is in much less general use

than here. They adopt the darker shades of blue, brown, and green, and

for undress almost as great diversity of colors as of fabrics.

2. _A Hint to the Ladies._

Don't make your rooms gloomy. Furnish them for light and let them have

it. Daylight is very cheap, and candle or gas light you need not use

often. If your rooms are dark, all the effect of furniture, pictures,

walls, and carpets is lost. Finally, if you have beautiful things,

make them useful. The fashion of having a nice parlor, and then

shutting it up all but three or four days in the year, when you have

company; spending your own life in a mean room, shabbily furnished, or

an unhealthy basement, to save your things, is the meanest possible

economy. Go a little further--shut up your house, and live in a

pig-pen! The use of nice and beautiful things is to act upon your

spirit--to educate you and make you beautiful.

3. _Another._

Don't put your cards around the looking-glass, unless in your private

boudoir. If you wish to display them, keep them in a suitable basket

or vase on the mantle or center-table.

4. _An Obliging Disposition._

Polite persons are necessarily obliging. A smile is always on their

lips, an earnestness in their countenance, when we ask a favor of

them. They know that to render a service with a bad grace, is in

reality not to render it at all. If they are obliged to refuse a

favor, they do it with mildness and delicacy; they express such

feeling regret that they still inspire us with gratitude; in short,

their conduct appears so perfectly natural that it really seems that

the opportunity which is offered them of obliging us, is obliging

themselves; and they refuse all our thanks, without affectation or

effort.

5. _Securing a Home._

Let me, as a somewhat scrutinizing observer of the varying phases of

social life, in our own country especially, enter my earnest protest

against the practice so commonly adopted by newly-married persons, of

_boarding_, in place of at once establishing for themselves the

distinctive and ennobling prerogatives of HOME. Language and time

would alike fail me in an endeavor to set forth the manifold evils

inevitably growing out of this fashionable system. Take the advice of

an old man, who has tested theories by prolonged experience, and at

once establish your PENATES within four walls, and under a roof that

will, at times, exclude all who are not properly denizens of your

household, upon assuming the rights and obligations of married life.

Do not be deterred from this step by the conviction that you can not

shrine your home deities upon pedestals of marble. _Cover their bases

with flowers_--God's free gift to all--and the plainest support will

suffice for them if it be but _firm_.

6. _Taste vs. Fashion._

A lady should never, on account of economy, wear either what she deems

an ugly or an ungraceful garment; such garments never put her at her

ease, and are neglected and cast aside long before they have done her

their true service. We are careful only of those things which suit us,

and which we believe adorn us, and the mere fact of believing that we

look well, goes a great way toward making us do so. Fashion should be

sacrificed to taste, or, at best, followed at a distance; it does not

do to be _entirely out_, nor _completely in_, what is called

"fashion," many things being embraced under that term which are

frivolous, unmeaning, and sometimes meretricious.

7. _Special Claims._

There are persons to whom a lady or gentleman should be especially

polite. All elderly persons, the unattractive, the poor, and those

whose dependent positions may cause them to fear neglect. The

gentleman who offers his arm or gives his time to an old lady, or asks

a very plain one to dance, or attends one who is poorly dressed, never

looses in others' estimation or his own.

8. _Propriety of Deportment._

Propriety of deportment is the valuable result of a knowledge of one's

self, and of respect for the rights of others; it is a feeling of the

sacrifices which are imposed on self-esteem by our social relations;

it is, in short, a sacred requirement of harmony and affection.

9. _False Pride._

False pride and false dignity are very mean qualities. A true

gentleman will do anything proper for him to do. He can soil his hands

or use his muscles when there is occasion. The truest gentleman is

more likely to carry home a market-basket, or a parcel, or to wheel a

barrow through Broadway, than many a conceited little snob of a

shop-boy.

10. _The Awkwardness of being "Dressed."_

When dressed for company, strive to appear as easy and natural as if

you were in undress. Nothing is more distressing to a sensitive

person, or more ridiculous to one gifted with an _esprit moquer_ [a

disposition to "make fun"], than to see a lady laboring under the

consciousness of a fine gown; or a gentleman who is stiff, awkward,

and ungainly in a brand-new coat.

FOOTNOTE:

[R] _Life Illustrated._

XII.

MAXIMS FROM CHESTERFIELD.

The pages of the "Noble Oracle" are replete with sound advice,

which all may receive with profit. Genuine politeness is the

same always and everywhere.--_Madame Bienceance._

1. _Cheerfulness and Good Humor._

It is a wonderful thing that so many persons, putting in claims to

good breeding, should think of carrying their spleen into company, and

entertaining those with whom they converse with a history of their

pains, head-aches, and ill-treatment. This is, of all others, the

meanest help to social happiness; and a man must have a very mean

opinion of himself, who, on having detailed his grievances, is

accosted by asking the news. Mutual good-humor is a dress in which we

ought to appear, whenever we meet; and we ought to make no mention of

ourselves, unless it be in matters wherein our friends ought to

rejoice. There is no real life but cheerful life; therefore

valetudinarians should be sworn before they enter into company not to

say a word of themselves until the meeting breaks up.

2. _The Art of Pleasing._

The art of pleasing is a very necessary one to possess, but a very

difficult one to acquire. It can hardly be reduced to rules; and your

own good sense and observation will teach you more of it than I can.

Do as you would be done by, is the surest method that I know of

pleasing. Observe carefully what pleases you in others, and probably

the same things in you will please others. If you are pleased with

the complaisance and attention of others to you, depend upon it the

same complaisance and attention, on your part, will equally please

them. Take the tone of the company you are in, and do not pretend to

give it; be serious or gay, as you find the present humor of the

company. This is an attention due from every individual to the

majority.

3. _Adaptation of Manners._

Ceremony resembles that base coin which circulates through a country

by the royal mandate. It serves every purpose of real money at home,

but is entirely useless if carried abroad. A person who should attempt

to circulate his native trash in another country would be thought

either ridiculous or culpable. He is truly well-bred who knows when to

value and when to despise those national peculiarities which are

regarded by some with so much observance. A traveler of taste at once

perceives that the wise are polite all the world over, but that fools

are polite only at home.

4. _Bad Habits._

Keep yourself free from strange tricks or habits, such as thrusting on

your tongue, continually snapping your fingers, rubbing your hands,

sighing aloud, gaping with a noise like a country fellow that has been

sleeping in a hay-loft, or indeed with any noise; and many others that

I have noticed before. These are imitations of the manners of the mob,

and are degrading to a gentleman. It is rude and vulgar to lean your

head back and destroy the appearance of fine papered walls.

5. _Do what You are About._

_Hoc age_ was a maxim among the Romans, which means, "Do what you are

about, and do that only." A little mind is hurried by twenty things

at once; but a man of sense does but one thing at a time, and resolves

to excel in it; for whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing

well. Therefore, remember to give yourself up entirely to the thing

you are doing, be it what it may, whether your book or your play; for

if you have a right ambition, you will desire to excel all boys of

your age, at cricket, at trap-ball, as well as in learning.

6. _People who never Learn._

There have been people who have frequented the first companies all

their lifetime, and yet have never divested themselves of their

natural stiffness and awkwardness; but have continued as vulgar as if

they were never out of a servants' hall. This has been owing to

carelessness, and a want of attention to the manners and behavior of

others.

7. _Conformity to Local Manners._

Civility, which is a disposition to accommodate and oblige others, is

essentially the same in every country; but good-breeding, as it is

called, which is the manner of exerting that disposition, is different

in almost every country, and merely local; and every man of sense

imitates and conforms to that local good-breeding or the place which

he is at.

8. _How to Confer Favors._

The greatest favors may be done so awkwardly and bunglingly as to

offend; and disagreeable things may be done so agreeably as almost to

oblige. Endeavor to acquire this great secret. It exists, it is to be

found, and is worth a great deal more than the grand secret of the

alchymists would be, if it were, as it is not, to be found.

9. _Fitness._

One of the most important points of life is decency, which means doing

what is proper, and where it is proper; for many things are proper at

one time, and in one place, that are extremely improper in another.

Read men, therefore, yourself, not in books, but in nature. Adopt no

systems, but study them yourself.

10. _How to Refuse._

A polite manner of refusing to comply with the solicitations of a

company is also very necessary to be learned; for a young man who

seems to have no will of his own, but does everything that is asked of

him, may be a very good-natured, but he is a very silly, fellow.

11. _Civility to Women._

Civility is particularly due to all women; and remember that no

provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every

woman; and the greatest man in the world would be justly reckoned a

brute, if he were not civil to the meanest woman.

12. _Spirit._

Spirit is now a very fashionable word. To act with spirit, to speak

with spirit, means only to act rashly, and to talk indiscreetly. An

able man shows his spirit by gentle words and resolute actions; he is

neither hot nor timid.

XIII.

ILLUSTRATIVE ANECDOTES.

It is well to combine amusement with instruction, whether you

write for young or old.--_Anonymous._

I.--ELDER BLUNT AND SISTER SCRUB.

The house of the excellent Squire Scrub was the itinerant's home; and

a right sweet, pleasant home it would have been but for a certain

unfortunate weakness of the every other way _excellent_ Sister Scrub.

The weakness I allude to was, or at least it was suspected to be, _the

love of praise_. Now the good sister was really worthy of high praise,

and she often received it; but she had a way of disparaging herself

and her performances which some people thought was intended to invite

praise. No housewife kept her floors looking so clean and her walls so

well whitewashed as she. Every board was scrubbed and scoured till

further scrubbing and scouring would have been labor wasted. No one

could look on her white ash floor and not admire the polish her

industry gave it. The "Squire" was a good provider, and Sister Scrub

was an excellent cook; and so their table groaned under a burden of

good things on all occasions when good cheer was demanded. And yet you

could never enter the house and sit half an hour without being

reminded that "Husband held Court yesterday, and she couldn't keep the

house decent." If you sat down to eat with them, she was sorry she

"hadn't anything fit to eat." She had been scrubbing, or washing, or

ironing, or she had been half sick, and she hadn't got such and such

things that she ought to have. Nor did it matter how bountiful or how

well prepared the repast really was, there was always _something_

deficient, the want of which furnished a text for a disparaging

discourse on the occasion. I remember once that we sat down to a table

that a king might have been happy to enjoy. There was the light

snow-white bread; there were the potatoes reeking in butter; there

were chickens swimming in gravy; there were the onions and the

turnips, and I was sure Sister Scrub had gratified her ambition for

once. We sat down, and a blessing was asked; instantly the good sister

began; she was afraid her coffee was too much burned, or that the

water had been smoked, or that she hadn't roasted the chicken enough.

There ought to have been some salad, and it was too bad that there was

nothing nice to offer us.

We, of course, endured those unjustifiable apologies as well as the

could, simply remarking that everything was really nice, and proving

by our acts that the repast was tempting to our appetites.

I will now introduce another actor to the reader--Elder Blunt, the

circuit preacher. Elder Blunt was a good man. His religion was of the

most genuine, experimental kind. He was a _very_ plain man. He, like

Mr. Wesley, would no more dare to preach a _fine_ sermon than wear a

fine coat. He was celebrated for his common-sense way of exhibiting

the principles of religion. He _would_ speak just what he thought, and

as he felt. He somehow got the name of being an eccentric preacher, as

every man, I believe, does who _never_ prevaricates, and always acts

and speaks as he thinks. Somehow or other, Elder Blunt had heard of

Sister Scrub, and that infirmity of hers, and he resolved to cure

her. On his first round he stopped at "Squire Scrub's," as all other

itinerants had done before him. John, the young man, took the elder's

horse and put him in the stable, and the preacher entered the house.

He was shown into the best room, and soon felt very much at home. He

expected to hear something in due time disparaging the domestic

arrangements, but he heard it sooner than he expected. This time, if

Sister Scrub could be credited, her house was all upside down; it

wasn't fit to stay in, and she was sadly mortified to be caught in

such a plight. The elder looked all around the room, as if to observe

the terrible disorder, but he said not a word. By-and-by the dinner

was ready, and the elder sat down with the family to a well spread

table. Here, again, Sister Scrub found everything faulty; the coffee

wasn't fit to drink, and she hadn't anything fit to eat. The elder

lifted his dark eye to her face; for a moment he seemed to penetrate

her very soul with his austere gaze; then slowly rising from the

table, he said, "Brother Scrub, I want my horse immediately; I must

leave!"

"Why, Brother Blunt, what is the matter?"

"Matter? Why, sir, your house isn't fit to stay in, and you haven't

anything fit to eat or drink, and I won't stay."

Both the "Squire" and his lady were confounded. This was a piece of

eccentricity entirely unlooked for. They were stupefied. But the elder

was gone. He wouldn't stay in a house not fit to stay in, and where

there wasn't anything fit to eat and drink.

Poor Sister Scrub! She wept like a child at her folly. She "knew it

would be all over town," she said, "and everybody would be laughing at

her." And then, how should she meet the blunt, honest elder again?

"She hadn't meant anything by what she had said." Ah! she never

thought how wicked it was to say _so much_ that didn't mean anything.

The upshot of the whole matter was, that Sister Scrub "saw herself as

others saw her." She ceased making apologies, and became a wiser and

better Christian. Elder Blunt always puts up there, always finds

everything as it should be, and, with all his eccentricities, is

thought by the family the most agreeable, as he is acknowledged by

everybody to be the most consistent, of men.--_Rev. J. V. Watson._

II.--THE PRESENCE.

Mr. Johnson, an English traveler, relates, in his notes on North

America, the following story:

"At Boston," he says, "I was told of a gentleman in the neighborhood

who, having a farm servant, found him very satisfactory in every

respect, except that he invariably came into his employer's room with

his hat on.

"'John,' said he to the man one day, 'you always keep your hat on when

you come into the room.'

"'Well, sir,' said John, 'and haven't I a right to?'

"'Yes,' was his employer's reply, 'I suppose you have.'

"'Well,' said John, 'if I have a right to, why shouldn't I?'

"This was a poser from one man to another, where all have equal

rights. So, after a moment's reflection the gentleman asked:

"'Now, John, what will you take, how much more wages will you ask, to

take off your hat whenever you come in?'

"'Well, that requires consideration, I guess,' said the man.

"'Take the thing into consideration, then,' rejoined the employer,

'and let me know to-morrow morning.'

"The morrow comes, and John appears.

"'Well, John, have you considered what additional wages you are to

have for taking your hat off?'

"'Well, sir, I guess it's worth a dollar a month.'

"'It's settled, then, John; you shall have another dollar a month.'

"So the gentleman retained a good man, while John's hat was always in

his hand when he entered the house."

This story, to one who knows New England, is not altogether

incredible. Toward the democratization of this country, yet most

incomplete, it will perhaps be one day conceded that the South has

contributed ideas, and New England sentiment; while the Great West

will have made a partial application of both to the conduct of life.

The Yankees are the kindest and the acutest of our people, and the

most ungraceful. Nowhere in the world is there so much good feeling,

combined with so much rudeness of manner, as in New England. The

South, colonized by Cavaliers, retains much of the Cavalier

improvidence and careless elegance of manner; and Southerners, like

the soil they till, are generous. But the Yankees, descended from

austere and Puritanic farmers, and accustomed to wring their

subsistence from an unwilling soil, possess the sterling virtues of

human nature along with a stiff-jointed awkwardness of manner, and a

sharp angularity of thought, which renders them unpleasing even to

those who respect them most. A Yankee seldom ceases to be provincial.

But John is waiting, hat in hand, to hear what we have to say

respecting his case.

We say that John was wrong in not taking off his hat voluntarily, but

that the feeling which prevented his doing so was right. He was right

in feeling that the accidental circumstance of his being a hired man

gave his employer no claim to any special mark of respect from him;

and, as he considered that the removal of his hat would have been a

special mark of respect, and thus an acknowledgment of social

inferiority, he declined to make that acknowledgment. But John was

mistaken. The act referred to would not have borne such an

interpretation. John ought to have felt that on coming into the

presence of a man, a fellow-citizen and co-sovereign, and particularly

on entering his abode, one of the innumerable royal residences of the

country, some visible sign of respect, some kind of deferential

salutation, is _due_ from the person entering. John should have risen

superior to the mere accident of his position, and remembered only

that he and his employer were men and equals. The positions of the two

men might be reversed in a day; their equality as men and citizens,

nothing but crime could affect.--_James Parton._

III.--A LEARNED MAN AT TABLE.

Some of the many errors which are liable to be committed through

ignorance of usage, are pleasantly pointed out in the following story,

which is related by a French writer:

The Abbe Cosson, professor in the _College Mazarin_, thoroughly

accomplished in the art of teaching, saturated with Greek, Latin, and

literature, considered himself a perfect well of science: he had no

conception that a man who knew all Persius and Horace by heart could

possibly commit an error--above all, an error at table. But it was not

long before he discovered his mistake. One day, after dining with the

Abbe de Radonvilliers at Versailles, in company with several courtiers

and marshals of France; he was boasting of the rare acquaintance with

etiquette and custom which he had exhibited at dinner. The Abbe

Delille, who heard this eulogy upon his own conduct, interrupted his

harangue by offering to wager that he had committed at least a hundred

improprieties at the table. "How is it possible?" exclaimed Cosson. "I

did exactly like the rest of the company."

"What absurdity!" said the other. "You did a thousand things which no

one else did. First, when you sat down at the table, what did you do

with your napkin?" "My napkin! why, just what everybody else did with

theirs. I unfolded it entirely, and fastened it to my button-hole."

"Well, my dear friend," said Delille, "you were the only one that did

_that_, at all events. No one hangs up his napkin in that style; they

are contented with placing it on their knees. And what did you do when

you took soup?" "Like the others, I believe. I took any spoon in one

hand and my fork in the other--" "Your fork! Who ever ate soup with a

fork? But to proceed: after your soup, what did you eat?" "A fresh

egg." "And what did you do with the shell?" "Handed it to the servant

who stood behind my chair." "Without breaking it, of course?" "Well,

my dear Abbe, nobody ever eats an egg without breaking the shell."

"And after your egg--?" "I asked the Abbe Radonvilliers to send me a

piece of the hen near him." "Bless my soul! a piece of the _hen_! You

never speak of hens excepting in the barn-yard. You should have asked

for fowl, or chicken. But you say nothing of your mode of drinking."

"Like all the rest, I asked for _claret_ and _champagne_." "Let me

inform you, then, that persons always ask for _claret wine_ and

_champagne wine_. But tell me, how did you eat your bread?" "Surely I

did that properly. I cut it with my knife in the most regular manner

possible." "Bread should always be broken, not cut. But the coffee,

how did you manage it?" "It was rather too hot, and I poured a little

of it into my saucer." "Well, you committed here the greatest fault of

all. You should never pour your coffee into the saucer, but always

drink it from the cup." The poor Abbe was confounded. He felt that

though one might be master of the seven sciences, yet that there was

another species of knowledge which, if less dignified, was equally

important.

This occurred many years ago, but there is not one of the observances

neglected by the Abbe Cosson which is not enforced with equal

rigidness in the present day.

IV.--ENGLISH WOMEN IN HIGH LIFE.

Lord Hardwicke's family consists of his countess, his eldest son

(about eighteen or twenty, Lord Royston by courtesy), three of the

finest-looking daughters you ever saw, and several younger sons. The

daughters--Lady Elizabeth, Lady Mary, and Lady Agnita--are

surpassingly beautiful; such development--such rosy cheeks, laughing

eyes, and unaffected manners--you rarely see combined. They take a

great deal of out-door exercise, and came aboard the Merrimac, in a

heavy rain, with Irish shoes thicker soled than you or I ever wore,

and cloaks and dresses almost impervious to wet. They steer their

father's yacht, walk the Lord knows how many miles, and don't care a

cent about rain, besides doing a host of other things that would shock

our ladies to death; and yet in the parlor are the most elegant

looking women, in their satin shoes and diamonds, I ever saw.... After

dinner the ladies play and sing for us, and the other night they got

up a game of blind-man's-buff; in which the ladies said we had the

advantage, inasmuch as their "petticoats rustled so that they were

easily caught." They call things by their names here. In the course of

the game, Lord Hardwicke himself was blindfolded, and, trying to catch

some one, fell over his daughter's lap on the floor, when two or three

of the girls caught him by the legs and dragged his lordship--roaring

with laughter, as we all were--on his back into the middle of the

floor. Yet they are perfectly respectful, but appear on a perfect

equality with each other.--_Letter from an Officer of the "Merrimac."_

V.--"VIL YOU SAY SO, IF YOU PLEASE?"

"Speaking of _not speaking_," said I, when the general amusement had

abated, "reminds me of an amusing little scene that I once witnessed

in the public parlor of a New England tavern, where I was compelled to

wait several hours for a stage-coach. Presently there entered a

bustling, sprightly-looking little personage, who, after frisking

about the room, apparently upon a tom of inspection, finally settled

herself very comfortably in the large cushioned rocking-chair--the

only one in the room--and was soon, as I had no reason to doubt, sound

asleep. It was not long, however, before a noise of some one entering

aroused her, and a tall, gaunt, old Yankee woman, hung around with

countless bags, bonnet-boxes, and nondescript appendages of various

sizes and kinds, presented herself to our vision. After slowly

relieving herself of the numberless incumbrances that impeded her

progress in life, she turned to a young man who accompanied her, and

said, in a tone so peculiarly shrill that it might have been mistaken,

at this day, for a railroad whistle--

"'Now, Jonathan, don't let no grass grow under your feet while you go

for them toothache drops; I am a'most crazy with pain!' laying a hand

upon the affected spot as she spoke; 'and here,' she called out, as

the door was closing upon her messenger, 'just get my box filled at

the same time,' diving with her disengaged hand into the unknown

depths of, seemingly, the most capacious of pockets, and bringing to

light a shining black box of sufficient size to hold all the jewels of

a modern belle. 'I thought I brought along my snuff-bladder, but I

don't know where I put it, my head is so stirred up.'

"By this time the little woman in the rocking-chair was fairly

aroused, and rising, she courteously offered her seat to the stranger,

her accent at once betraying her claim to be ranked with the politest

of nations (a bow, on my part, to the fair foreigner in the group).

With a prolonged stare, the old woman coolly ensconced herself in the

vacated seat, making not the slightest acknowledgment of the civility

she had received. Presently she began to groan, rocking herself

furiously at the same time. The former occupant of the stuffed chair,

who had retired to a window and perched herself in one of a long row

of wooden seats, hurried to the sufferer. 'I fear, madame,' said she,

'that you suffare ver' much--vat can I do for you?' The representative

of Yankeedom might have been a wooden clock-case for all the response

she made to this amiable inquiry, unless her rocking more furiously

than ever might be construed into a reply.

"The little Frenchwoman, apparently wholly unable to class so

anomalous a specimen of humanity, cautiously retreated.

"Before I was summoned away, the toothache drops and the snuff

together (both administered in large doses) seemed to have gradually

produced the effect of oil poured upon troubled waters.

"The sprightly Frenchwoman again ventured upon the theater of action.

"'You find yourself now much improved, madame?' she asked, with

considerable vivacity. A very slight nod was the only answer.

"'And you feel dis _fauteuil_ really very _com-for-ta-ble_?' pursued

the little woman, with augmented energy of voice. Another nod was just

discernible.

"No intonation of mine can do justice to the very ecstasy of

impatience with which the pertinacious questioner actually _screamed_

out:

"'_Bien_, madame, _vil you say so_, if you please?'

"_Henry Lunettes._"

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How to Behave: A Pocket Manual of Republican Etiquette, and Guide to Correct Personal Habits Embracing an Exposition of the Principles of Good Manners; Useful Hints on the Care of the Person, Eating, Drinking, Exercise, Habits, Dress, Self-culture, and Behavior at Home; the Etiquette of Salutations, Introductions, Receptions, Visits, Dinners, Evening Parties, Conversation, Letters, Presents, Weddings, Funerals, the Street, the Church, Places of Amusement, Traveling, Etc., with Illustrative Anecdotes, a Chapter on Love and Courtship, and Rules of Order for Debating Societies · 第 1 / 9 章