* * * * *
Certainly Hans the Hun does not seem to be enjoying the same high spirits
he did of yore. Possibly he is beginning to regret the day he left the old
beer garden, his ample Gretchen, and the fatty foods his figure demands.
The story of Patrick and Goldilocks would tend to prove as much.
The other day Patrick was engaged in one of those little "gains" which
straighten out the unsightly kinks in the "line" and give the
War-correspondents a chance to get their names in print.
Patrick and his friends attacked in a snowstorm, dropped into a German
post, gave the occupants every assistance in evacuating, and prepared to
make themselves at home. While they were clearing up the mess, they found
they had taken a prisoner, a blond Bavarian hero who had found it
impossible to leave with his friends on account of half-a-ton of sandbags
on his chest. They excavated him, told him if he was a good boy they'd give
him a ticket to Donington Hall at nightfall, christened him Goldilocks for
the time being, and threw him some rations, among which was a tin of
butter.
He listened to all they had to say in a dazed sulky fashion, but at the
sight of the tin of butter he gurgled drunkenly and seemed to go
light-headed. He spent a perfect day revelling in the joys of
anticipation, crooning over that butter, cuddling it, hiding it in one
pocket after the other. Towards dusk down came the snow again, and under
cover thereof the Bosch counter-attacked.
Patrick says he suddenly heard the bull voice of a Hun officer hic-coughing
gutturals, and they were on him. He had no time to send up an S.O.S.
rocket, and his machine-gun jammed. In a minute they were all mixed up, at
it tooth and claw as merry as a Galway election, the big Bosch officer,
throwing off a hymn of hate, the life and soul of the party. He came for
Patrick with an automatic, and Patrick thought all was up; and so it would
have been but for Goldilocks, who materialized suddenly out of nowhere,
deftly tripped up his officer from behind, and, dancing on his stomach with
inspired hooves, trod him out of sight.
Their moving spirit being wiped out, the Huns lost whatever heart they had
had, and went through their "Kamerad" exercise without further ado.
When the excitement was over Patrick sought out Goldilocks, and, shaking
him warmly by the hand, thanked him for suppressing the officer and saving
the situation.
"Situation be damned" (or words to that effect), Goldilocks retorted. "He
would have pinched my butter!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Clerk._ "YES, SIR, IT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT, SIR. TWINS I AM
HAPPY TO SAY, SIR. ANOTHER FIVE POUNDS A WEEK WILL COME IN VERY HANDY,
SIR."
_Employer_ (_imagining him to mean a rise in salary_). "ANOTHER FIVE POUNDS
A WEEK! GOOD LORD!!"
_Clerk._ "YES SIR. LORD DEVONPORT, SIR."]
* * * * *