The KAISER has conferred upon the Turkish GRAND VIZIER the Order of the
Black Eagle. The GRAND VIZIER has had persistent bad luck.
***
"A few weeks ago," says Mr. ROBERT BLATCHFORD, I asked, "What manner of man
is the Tsar? And now he has abdicated." We understand that the EX-TSAR
absolves Mr. BLATCHFORD from all blame.
***
The Amsterdam rumour to the effect that eighty thousand German soldiers had
surrendered was followed the next day by the report that it was really
ninety thousand. It appears that a recount was demanded.
***
_The Evening News,_ ever ready to assist with economical hints, now throws
out suggestions for renovating last year's suit. No mention is made,
however, of the fact that people with fur coats can now obtain quite cheap
butterfly-nets for the moth-chasing season.
***
In the Reichstag a member of the Socialist Minority Party has denounced the
KAISER as the originator of the War. The denunciation made little
impression on the House, as it was generally felt that he must have been
listening to some idle street-corner gossip.
***
A cat's-meat-man informed the Southwark Tribunal at a recent sitting that
he served over four hundred families a day. The unwisdom of permitting cats
to have families in war-time has been made the subject of adverse comment.
***
"I swear by Almighty God that I will speak the truth, no nonsense, and
won't be foolish," was the form of oath taken by a witness at a recent case
in the Bloomsbury County Court. It was explained to him that this was only
suitable for persons taking office under the Crown.
***
It was urged on behalf of a man at the Harrow Tribunal that there would be
no boots in the Army to fit him. If a small enough pair can be found for
him it is understood that he will join the police.
***
We fear an injustice has been done to the large number of Mexicans who have
lately entered the United States. It was at first suggested that they were
of pro-German sympathies, but it now appears that they were only fugitives
who had fled from the elections in Mexico.
***
[Illustration: _Impressionable Grocer._ "BELIEVE, ME, MISS, IN WAR-TIME A
GROCER NEEDS A 'EART AS COLD AS AN 'INDENBURG."]
***
A man at Bristol charged as an absentee said that he had been so busy
wilting poetry that he had forgotten all about military matters. His very
emphatic assurance that he will now push on with the War has afforded the
liveliest satisfaction to the authorities concerned.
***
"Owing to restrictions on the output of beer," says a contemporary, "the
passing of the village inn is merely a question of time." Even before the
War it often took hours and hours.
***
It is announced that a wealthy American lady with Socialistic leanings
will, at the end of the War, marry a well-known conscientious objector at
present undergoing a term of imprisonment. The American craze for
curio-hunting has not abated one bit.
***
A woman in North London who two years ago offered her services to the
Government in any capacity has just been informed that her offer is noted.
There is good reason to believe that she will he among the first women
called upon for service in our next war.
***
Because a man had jilted her fifteen years ago, a Spanish woman shot him
while he was being married to another woman. It is a remarkable thing, but
rarely does a marriage ceremony go off in Spain without some little hitch
or other.
***
Proper mastication of food is necessary in these times, and we are not
surprised to hear that one large dental firm are advertising double sets of
teeth with a two-speed gear attachment.
***
According to _The Pall Mall Gazette,_ Mr. LLOYD GEORGE'S double was seen at
Cardiff the other day. The suggestion that there are two Lloyd Georges in
the world has caused consternation among the German Headquarters Staff.
***
The bones of a woolly rhinoceros have been dug up twenty-three feet below
the surface at High Wycombe, and very strong expressions have been used in
the locality concerning this gross example of food-hoarding.
***
Complaint has been made by a brass finisher at Oldham that his
fellow-workmen will not speak to him because he receives less wages than
they do. To end an awkward situation it is hoped that the good fellow may
eventually consent to accept a weekly wage on the higher scale.
* * * * *