drooping over fours of Irish; and one day his late instructor happened
to come in and find him thus, with his melancholy nose over the edge of
his glass.
"Haven't got your Head Above Water, I see?" said the Master Genius.
"Sorry you haven't Made your Mark."
"I've made a good many," said Downs, pointing to the wet rings on the
counter.
"Ah, that sort of mark's no use--unless you make it in Company," said
the Genius.
[Illustration: "HAVEN'T GOT YOUR HEAD ABOVE WATER, I SEE?"]
One day, as young Bansted Downs sat in his cistern-cupboard biting his
nails, a step was heard on the stair, and his late instructor entered.
"I've been all wrong," he said, sitting down on the cistern. "I put you
all wrong--I've put all my pupils all wrong. I fell down stairs lately
and knocked my head, and when I got up I saw everything--the light broke
in upon me!"
"Why, you've cut your hair, and you're dressed quite neatly--I should
hardly have known you for a Master Genius at all!" exclaimed young
Bansted Downs.
"I am no longer a Genius--I am now the M.W.K.A.A.I.--the Man Who Knows
All About It. I now know why genius fails to get the Ear of the Public,
and is not appreciated----"
"Fault of the public--everybody knew that before," growled young Bansted
Downs.
"Pardon me, it is not the fault of the poor public, but the fault of the
system. We--the entertainers--have made the mistake of being geniuses;
whereas we had no business to meddle with genius at all.
"It is the public who ought to have the genius; _they_ should have the
lively appreciation, the keen sense of humour, the afflatus, and all
that; and then those who cater for them would not need to trouble about
those things--they would only have to cater, and leave the public to
perceive, by means of their genius, the excellences of the fare
provided. If a plain person does something, and geniuses perceive
greatness in it, that's a right state of affairs; but if a genius does
something great, and plain persons fail to appreciate it, that's a wrong
state of things, and a waste of material---see?"
"And what do you propose to do?" asked young Bansted Downs.
"That's very simple--just make geniuses of the public. Of course the
public, having their own affairs to attend to, will not wish to turn
caterers and originate--their province is to appreciate, perceive,
applaud, and pay at the doors--see? By this system any dullard is
enabled, without effort, fatigue, or preliminary study, to Make his Mark
and get his F.I., his E.P., and his H.A.W. A child could use it."
"But," objected young Bansted Downs, "under your system, dullardism
paying so well, everybody would want to cater for the public, and there
wouldn't be any audience--any public."
"Pooh! The system at present in vogue is all I require--compulsory
education. Everybody will have to be educated as a genius, except a few
who will be specially exempted from attendance at the Board schools to
enable them to lie fallow and fit themselves for originators.
"Of course, you may say that it would not be _necessary_ for the
entertainer to be dull. Of course it would not; but, as it is not
necessary for him to be a genius either, there would be a waste of
public money in educating him as one. In fact, it might be a
disadvantage for both originator and appreciator to be geniuses, and
their conceptions might clash and create confusion. It's better for a
conception to be lighted from one side only, as you get more contrast."
"But would not the genius of the spectator simply perceive the dulness
of the originator?"
"Not in the least. It's just the sphere of genius to perceive, in a
given production, excellences which the ordinary observer fails to
detect; and it's only a question of degree of genius. I take it that
perfect genius can detect perfect excellence in everything submitted to
its discrimination. And now, will you be kind enough to come and vote
for me, as for the furtherance of my scheme I am offering myself as
Chairman of the School Board?"
In due course, the Man Who Knew All About It was elected to the School
Board. He secured this by publishing handbills declaring his intention
to squander the rate-payers' money like water, and provide free food,
clothing, lodging, sweets, tobacco, drinks, theatres, and pianos to all
the Board school children and their parents, relatives, and friends. The
public judged by the proceedings of past candidates, all of whom had
deliberately broken their promises on coming into office; and they
concluded that this one would do so as well, and refuse to spend a
penny. The Board were compelled to choose him as Chairman; and he at
once commenced his work of reform.
Genius took the place of all the former studies at the Board schools: no
pupil was permitted to leave until he had passed the fifth standard,
which turned him out a full-fledged genius; and he had to attend until
he _could_ pass it, even if he became old and decrepit. This was a wise
step; for, had this rule been relaxed, those unable to pass the standard
would have joined the ranks of the originators, and thus flooded the
market.
[Illustration: "THE GENIUS CLASS AT THE BOARD SCHOOL."]
Young Bansted Downs now set himself to steadily forgetting all the
genius he had learned, feeling that it would be nothing but an
incumbrance in his new career; and he succeeded so well that in the
course of a few years he had become as dull as ditch-water.
Meanwhile a new public were growing up, a public of such brilliant
perceptions--so great a faculty of appreciation--that they were quite
bewildered with the excellences they perceived in everything around
them.
To take the sense of humour alone: they possessed it to so marvellous an
extent that they could perceive a joke in the passing cloud,
facetiousness in the growth of flowers, a choice witticism in the rates
and taxes, an incentive to mirth in strikes. Not that they were
incessantly giggling--that would have argued a something wanting; no,
they drank in and appreciated and enjoyed the universal humour, and
their eyes were bright.
So, when young Bansted Downs was middle-aged Bansted Downs he started
all over again in quite a different way: he just wrote twaddle, and
painted twaddle, and composed twaddle; and went on to a platform and
twaddled about twaddle: and the public genius detected the brilliancy
lurking in it all, and they were in ecstacies.
A terrible thing happened to the Boom Department of the Press. One day
the public arose as one man and remarked that they were capable of
finding out merit for themselves and no longer required the Department;
and they took large stones, and bad eggs, and dead cats, and fagots of
wood, and proceeded to the Boom Department; and it was in vain that the
head of the Department came out on the balcony and pleaded that the
Booming System, as practised by the Press, had nothing to do with the
finding-out of merit; for the public smashed the windows and burned the
offices, and abolished the Boom Department.
[Illustration: "A CHOICE WITTICISM IN THE RATES AND TAXES."]
However, nobody required Booming now, as absence of ability was no
longer a bar to fame; and things worked far more happily than they ever
had under the old system. Authors and others no longer pined under want
of appreciation; on the contrary, they were always wildly surprised at
the wonderful things the public discovered in their work; and as for the
public, they were vastly contented.
It's the true system--there's not a question about that.
J. F. SULLIVAN.
[Illustration: TABLES OF ALL AGES]
[Illustration: COMPLIMENTARY (A FACT).
GLADYS: "GRANDPA, WHAT ARE THOSE STRINGS MADE OF?"
GRANDPA: "CAT-GUT, MY DEAR."
GLADYS: "WHAT'S THAT?"
GRANDPA (JOKINGLY): "OH, THE INSIDES OF PUSSIES DEAR."
GLADYS (AFTER A PAUSE): "I SUPPOSE THEY FOUND OUT THEY WERE
GOOD FOR THAT ON ACCOUNT OF THE NOISE CATS MAKE!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: TURN THESE UPSIDE DOWN.]
INDEX.
PAGE
ADJUTANT'S LOVE STORY, THE. From the French of LE COMTE ALFRED
DE VIGNY
(_Illustrations_ by H. R. MILLAR.) 528
ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES. By A. CONAN DOYLE.
(_Illustrations_ by SIDNEY PAGET.)
XIV.--THE ADVENTURE OF THE CARDBOARD BOX 61
XV.--THE ADVENTURE OF THE YELLOW FACE 162
XVI.--THE ADVENTURE OF THE STOCKBROKER'S CLERK 281
XVII.--THE ADVENTURE OF THE "GLORIA SCOTT" 395
XVIII.--THE ADVENTURE OF THE MUSGRAVE RITUAL 479
XIX.--THE ADVENTURE OF THE REIGATE SQUIRE 601
"AUTHOR! AUTHOR!" By E. W. HORNUNG 241
(_Illustrations_ by W. S. STACEY.)
BARNARDO, DR. (_See_ "ILLUSTRATED INTERVIEWS.") 173
BEAUTIES:--
I.--LADIES: THE COUNTESS OF ANNESLEY, THE MISSES HATHAWAY
(TWINS), MISS HAYTER, MISS LEE, MISS MENCE 74
II.--CHILDREN: MISS BEAUMONT, MISS CROSS, MISS DUNLOP, MISS
MARGUERITE FOSTER, MISS SERJEANT, MISS WATERLOW, MISS WHITE,
MISSES WHITE, MISS WINSTEAD 186
III.--LADIES: PRINCESS AHMADEE, MADAME ARNOLDSON, MISS DOROTHY
DORR, MISS FLO HENDERSON, MISS KINGSLEY, MISS ALICE
LETHBRIDGE, MADAME SCHIRMER-MAPLESON, MLLE. DEL TORRE,
MISS WEBSTER 292
IV.--LADIES: MISS ARCHER, LADY CHARLES BERESFORD, MISS FLO
BERESFORD, MISS BRANSON, MRS. BRATE, MISS LLOYD, MISS
DECIMA MOORE, MISS RIPLEY, MISS NELLIE SIMMONS 415
V.--CHILDREN: MISS KATE BIRCH, MISS DORIS COLLINS, MISS ERNA
COLLINS, MISS GASCOYNE DALZIEL, MISS ELSIE DIEDRICHS, MISS
GLADYS HERBERT, MISS DOROTHY NORCUTT, MISS MAUDE WALLIS,
MISS KATHLEEN WHITE 525
VI.--LADIES: LADY ABERDEEN, MISS ELLA BANISTER, MISS C. L. FOOTE,
MISS FRIEND, MISS L. HAROLD, MISS A. HUGHES, MRS. MARSH, MISS
ALICE RAVENSCROFT, MISS NORAH WILLIAMS 613
CARDS, PECULIAR PLAYING 77, 148
CHILD'S TEAR, A. From the French of EDOUARD LEMOINE 95
(_Illustrations_ by PAUL HARDY.)
COURTSHIP OF HALIL, THE. By A. F. BURN 84
(_Illustrations_ by H. R. MILLAR.)
DARK TRANSACTION, A. By MARIANNE KENT 362
(_Illustrations_ by PAUL HARDY.)
DEAD OF NIGHT, AT. By MRS. NEWMAN 498
(_Illustrations_ by W. B. WOLLEN.)
DICTATES OF FASHION, FUTURE 551
(_Written_ and _Illustrated_ by W. CADE GALL.)
FASHION, FUTURE DICTATES OF 551
FURNISS, MR. HARRY. (_See_ "ILLUSTRATED INTERVIEWS.") 571
GAME OF CHESS, A. Translated from the French 219
(_Illustrations_ by PAUL HARDY.)
HANDS. By BECKLES WILLSON 119, 295
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs of Casts.)
HUMANE SOCIETY, ROYAL. With Portraits of Winners of the Medals 370, 446
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs.)
ILLUSTRATED INTERVIEWS. By HARRY HOW.
XIX.--THE LORD BISHOP OF RIPON 12
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs by Messrs. ELLIOTT & FRY.)
XX.--DR. BARNARDO 173
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs by Messrs. ELLIOTT & FRY.)
XXI.--MR. AND MRS. KENDAL 228
(_Illustrations_ by MR. KENDAL; and from Photographs by Messrs.
ELLIOTT & FRY.)
XXII.--SIR ROBERT RAWLINSON 513
(_Illustrations_ from Drawings and Paintings; and from Photographs
by Messrs. ELLIOTT & FRY.)
XXIII.--MR. HARRY FURNISS 571
(_Illustrations_ by HARRY FURNISS; and from Photographs by
Messrs. ELLIOTT & FRY.)
KENDAL, MR. AND MRS. (_See_ "ILLUSTRATED INTERVIEWS.") 228
LIEUTENANT GAUTHIER. From the French of JOSÉ DE CAMPOS 616
(_Illustrations_ by H. R. MILLAR.)
LITTLE SURPRISE, A. Adapted from the French of A. DREYFUS by
CONSTANCE BEERBOHM 25
(_Illustrations_ by W. S. STACEY.)
MAJOR'S COMMISSION, THE. By W. CLARK RUSSELL 138
(_Illustrations_by W. CHRISTIAN SYMONS.)
NANKEEN JACKET, THE. From the French of GUSTAVE GUESVILLER 418
(_Illustrations_ by H. R. MILLAR.)
ONE AND TWO. By WALTER BESANT 44
(_Illustrations_ by JOHN GÜLICH.)
PIERRE AND BAPTISTE. By BECKLES WILLSON 547
(_Illustrations_ by PAUL HARDY.)
PLAYING CARDS, PECULIAR. By GEORGE CLULOW 77, 148
(_Illustrations_ from facsimiles of Curious Playing Cards.)
PORTRAITS OF CELEBRITIES AT DIFFERENT TIMES OF THEIR LIVES:--
ABEL, SIR FREDERICK, BART. 589
ADLER, DR. HERMANN 278
ALISON, SIR ARCHIBALD 279
BATTERSEA, LORD 274
BERESFORD, LORD CHARLES 393
COWEN, FREDERIC H. 161
FURNISS, HARRY 586
GIRARD, MISS DOROTHEA 59
GOULD, REV. S. BARING 392
HADING, MADAME JANE 280
HALLÉ, SIR CHARLES 277
HALLÉ, LADY 276
HARDY, MISS IZA DUFFUS 473
HAWEIS, REV. H. R. 160
HERKOMER, MR. HUBERT, R.A. 474
HOUGHTON, LORD 156
HUNTER, COLIN, A.R.A. 588
KELVIN, LORD 590
KNILL, MR. STUART (LORD MAYOR) 60
LESLIE, THE LATE FRED 58
LLOYD, EDWARD 478
MACWHIRTER, JOHN, R.A. 476
NICOL, ERSKINE, A.R.A. 475
ORCHARDSON, W. Q., R.A. 275
PETTIE, JOHN, R.A. 157
POTTER, MRS. BROWN 389
PRINCESS MARIE OF EDINBURGH 56
PRINCE FERDINAND OF ROUMANIA 57
PRINCE OF WALES 390
PRINCESS OF WALES 391
REID, SIR GEORGE, P.R.S.A. 587
ROBERTS, JOHN 394
ROBERTSON, J. FORBES 477
RUSSELL, W. CLARK 55
TECK, DUCHESS OF 158
TECK, DUKE OF 159
VAUGHAN, CARDINAL 591
VAUGHAN, CARDINAL, FATHER AND BROTHERS OF 592
PRINCE OF WALES AT SANDRINGHAM, THE 327
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs by BEDFORD LEMERE and W. & D.
DOWNEY.)
QUASTANA THE BRIGAND. From the French of ALPHONSE DAUDET 124
(_Illustrations_ by JEAN DE PALÉOLOGUE.)
QUEER SIDE OF THINGS, THE:--
BOTTLE FROM THE DEEP SEA, A 214
CHILDREN OF A THOUSAND YEARS 542
CLOAKS AND MANTLES 106
CROCODILE STORY, A 324
DRINKING VESSELS OF ALL AGES 322
DWINDLING HOUR, THE 98
EXPLOSION OF A LOCOMOTIVE 214
HORSE AND ITS OCCUPATIONS, THE 430
HUNTER AND THE BIRD, THE 108
JUDGE'S PENANCE, THE 535
MANDRAKE ROOTS 105
MISCELLANEOUS 648
N.P.M.C., THE 315
OLD JOE'S PICNIC 423
PAL'S PUZZLES 104, 215
ROOM PAPERED WITH STAMPS 321
SAGACITY OF A DOG 216
STORY OF THE KING'S IDEA 209
TABLES OF A CENTURY 646
TURNIP RESEMBLING A HUMAN HAND 321
USE FOR GENIUS 639
VEGETABLE ODDITIES 214, 432
WHO ARE THESE? 544
RAWLINSON, SIR ROBERT. (_See_ "ILLUSTRATED INTERVIEWS.") 513
RIPON, THE LORD BISHOP OF. (_See_ "ILLUSTRATED INTERVIEWS.") 12
ROSITA. From the French of PITRE CHEVALIER 302
(_Illustrations_ by H. R. MILLAR.)
SANDRINGHAM, THE PRINCE OF WALES AT 327
(_Illustrations_ from Photographs.)
SHADOW OF THE SIERRAS, IN THE. By IZA DUFFUS HARDY 433
(_Illustrations_ by PAUL HARDY.)
SHAFTS FROM AN EASTERN QUIVER. By CHARLES J. MANSFORD, B.A.
VII.--MARGARITA, THE BOND QUEEN OF THE WANDERING DHAHS 3
VIII.--THE MASKED RULER OF THE BLACK WRECKERS 189
IX.--MAW SAYAH, THE KEEPER OF THE GREAT BURMAN NAT 258
X.--THE HUNTED TRIBE OF THREE HUNDRED PEAKS 340
XI.--IN QUEST OF THE LOST GALLEON 453
XII.--THE DAUGHTER OF LOVETSKI THE LOST 561
(_Illustrations_ by A. PEARSE.)
SLAVE, A. By LEILA HANOUM. Translated from a Turkish Story 203
(_Illustrations_ by H. R. MILLAR.)
SPEAKER'S CHAIR, FROM BEHIND THE. Viewed by H. W. LUCY 89, 198, 267,
381, 490, 624
(_Illustrations_ by F. C. GOULD.)
STRANGE REUNION, A. By T. G. ATKINSON 376
(_Illustrations_ by A. J. JOHNSON.)
TYPES OF ENGLISH BEAUTY. (_See_ "BEAUTIES.")
WEATHERCOCKS AND VANES 351
(_Written_ and _Illustrated_ by WARRINGTON HOGG.)
WEDDING GIFT, A. By LEONARD OUTRAM 111
(_Illustrations_ by PAUL HARDY.)
WORK OF ACCUSATION, A. By HARRY HOW 633
(_Illustrations_ by JOHN GÜLICH.)
ZIG-ZAGS AT THE ZOO. By ARTHUR MORRISON.
VII.--ZIG-ZAG CURSOREAN 35
VIII.--ZIG-ZAG PHOCINE 129
IX.--ZIG-ZAG CONKAVIAN 248
X.--ZIG-ZAG OPHIDIAN 407
XI.--ZIG-ZAG MARSUPIAL 464
XII.--ZIG-ZAG ACCIPITRAL 593
(_Illustrations_ by J. A. SHEPHERD.)
GEORGE NEWNES, LIMITED. 8, 9, 10 AND 11, SOUTHAMPTON STREET, AND EXETER
STREET, STRAND. W.C.