A SOFT rain was falling. Umbrellas swayed and gleamed in the light of
the street lamps. The brightness of the shop windows reflected itself in
the muddy mirror of the wet pavements. A miserable night, a dreary
night, a night to tempt the wretched to the glimmering Embankment, and
thence to the river, hardly wetter or cleaner than the gutters of the
London streets. Yet the sight of these same streets was like wine in the
veins to a man who drove through them in a hansom piled with Gladstone
bags and P. and O. trunks. He leaned over the apron of the hansom and
looked eagerly, longingly, lovingly, at every sordid detail: the crowd
on the pavement, its haste as intelligible to him as the rush of ants
when their hill is disturbed by the spade; the glory and glow of corner
public-houses; the shifting dance of the gleaming wet umbrellas. It was
England, it was London, it was home--and his heart swelled till he felt
it in his throat. After ten years--the dream realised, the longing
appeased. London--and all was said.
His cab, delayed by a red newspaper cart, jammed in altercative contact
with a dray full of brown barrels, paused in Cannon Street. The eyes
that drank in the scene perceived a familiar face watching on the edge
of the pavement for a chance to cross the road under the horses'
heads--the face of one who ten years ago had been the slightest of
acquaintances. Now time and home-longing juggled with memory till the
face seemed that of a friend. To meet a friend--this did, indeed, round
off the scene of the home-coming. The man in the cab threw back the
doors and leapt out. He crossed under the very nose-bag of a stationed
dray horse. He wrung the friend--last seen as an acquaintance--by the
hand. The friend caught fire at the contact. Any passer-by, who should
have been spared a moment for observation by the cares of umbrella and
top-hat, had surely said, "Damon and Pythias!" and gone onward smiling
in sympathy with friends long severed and at last reunited.
The little scene ended in a cordial invitation from the impromptu Damon,
on the pavement, to Pythias, of the cab, to a little dance that evening
at Damon's house, out Sydenham way. Pythias accepted with enthusiasm,
though at his normal temperature, he was no longer a dancing man. The
address was noted, hands clasped again with strenuous cordiality, and
Pythias regained his hansom. It set him down at the hotel from which ten
years before he had taken cab to Fenchurch Street Station. The menu of
his dinner had been running in his head, like a poem, all through the
wet shining streets. He ordered, therefore, without hesitation--
Ox-tail Soup.
Boiled Cod and Oyster Sauce.
Roast Beef and Horse-radish.
Boiled Potatoes. Brussels Sprouts.
Cabinet Pudding.
Stilton. Celery.
The cabinet pudding was the waiter's suggestion. Anything that called
itself "pudding" would have pleased as well. He dressed hurriedly, and
when the soup and the wine card appeared together before him he ordered
draught bitter--a pint.
"And bring it in a tankard," said he.
The drive to Sydenham was, if possible, a happier dream than had been
the drive from Fenchurch Street to Charing Cross. There were many
definite reasons why he should have been glad to be in England, glad to
leave behind him the hard work of his Indian life, and to settle down as
a landed proprietor. But he did not think definite thoughts. The whole
soul and body of the man were filled and suffused by the glow that
transfuses the blood of the schoolboy at the end of the term.
The lights, the striped awning, the red carpet of the Sydenham house
thrilled and charmed him. Park Lane could have lent them no further
grace--Belgrave Square no more subtle witchery. This was England,
England, England!
He went in. The house was pretty with lights and flowers. There was
music. The soft-carpeted stair seemed air as he trod it. He met his
host--was led up to girls in blue and girls in pink, girls in satin and
girls in silk-muslin--wrote brief _precis_ of their toilets on his
programme. Then he was brought face to face with a tall dark-haired
woman in white. His host's voice buzzed in his ears, and he caught only
the last words--"old friends." Then he was left staring straight into
the eyes of the woman who ten years ago had been the light of his: the
woman who had jilted him, his vain longing for whom had been the spur to
drive him out of England.
"May I have another?" was all he found to say after the bow, the
conventional request, and the scrawling of two programmes.
"Yes," she said, and he took two more.
The girls in pink, and blue, and silk, and satin found him a good but
silent dancer. On the opening bars of the eighth waltz he stood before
her. Their steps went together like song and tune, just as they had
always done. And the touch of her hand on his arm thrilled through him
in just the old way. He had, indeed, come home.
There were definite reasons why he should have pleaded a headache or
influenza, or any lie, and have gone away before his second dance with
her. But the charm of the situation was too great. The whole thing was
so complete. On his very first evening in England--to meet her! He did
not go, and half-way through their second dance he led her into the
little room, soft-curtained, soft-cushioned, soft-lighted, at the bend
of the staircase.
Here they sat silent, and he fanned her, and he assured himself once
more that she was more beautiful than ever. Her hair, which he had known
in short, fluffy curls, lay in soberly waved masses, but it was still
bright and dark, like a chestnut fresh from the husk. Her eyes were the
same as of old, and her hands. Her mouth only had changed. It was a sad
mouth now, in repose--and he had known it so merry. Yet he could not but
see that its sadness added to its beauty. The lower lip had been,
perhaps, too full, too flexible. It was set now, not in sternness, but
in a dignified self-control. He had left a Greuze girl--he found a
Madonna of Bellini. Yet those were the lips he had kissed--the eyes
that--
The silence had grown to the point of embarrassment. She broke it, with
his eyes on her.
"Well," she said, "tell me all about yourself."
"There's nothing much to tell. My cousin's dead, and I'm a full-fledged
squire with estates and things. I've done with the gorgeous East, thank
God! But you--tell me about yourself."
"What shall I tell you?" She had taken the fan from him, and was furling
and unfurling it.
"Tell me"--he repeated the words slowly--"tell me the truth! It's all
over--nothing matters now. But I've always been--well--curious. Tell me
why you threw me over!"
He yielded, without even the form of a struggle, to the impulse which he
only half understood. What he said was true: he _had_ been--well--curious.
But it was long since anything alive, save vanity, which is immortal,
had felt the sting of that curiosity. But now, sitting beside this
beautiful woman who had been so much to him, the desire to bridge over
the years, to be once more in relations with her outside the
conventionalities of a ball-room, to take part with her in some scene,
discreet, yet flavoured by the past with a delicate poignancy, came upon
him like a strong man armed. It held him, but through a veil, and he
did not see its face. If he had seen it, it would have shocked him very
much.
"Tell me," he said softly, "tell me now--at last--"
Still she was silent.
"Tell me," he said again; "why did you do it? How was it you found out
so very suddenly and surely that we weren't suited to each other--that
was the phrase, wasn't it?"
"Do you really want to know? It's not very amusing, is it--raking out
dead fires?"
"Yes, I do want to know. I've wanted it every day since," he said
earnestly.
"As you say--it's all ancient history. But you used not to be stupid.
Are you sure the real reason never occurred to you?"
"Never! What was it? Yes, I know: the next waltz is beginning. Don't go.
Cut him, whoever he is, and stay here and tell me. I think I have a
right to ask that of you."
"Oh--rights!" she said. "But it's quite simple. I threw you over, as you
call it, because I found out you didn't care for me."
"_I_--not care for _you_?"
"Exactly."
"But even so--if you believed it--but how could you? Even so--why not
have told me--why not have given me a chance?" His voice trembled.
Hers was firm.
"I _was_ giving you a chance, and I wanted to make sure that you would
take it. If I'd just said, 'You don't care for me,' you'd have said,
'Oh, yes I do!' And we should have been just where we were before."
"Then it wasn't that you were tired of me?"
"Oh, no," she said sedately, "it wasn't that!"
"Then you--did you really care for me still, even when you sent back the
ring and wouldn't see me, and went to Germany, and wouldn't open my
letters, and all the rest of it?"
"Oh, yes!"--she laughed lightly--"I loved you frightfully all that time.
It does seem odd now to look back on it, doesn't it? but I nearly broke
my heart over you."
"Then why the devil--"
"You mustn't swear," she interrupted; "I never heard you do that before.
Is it the Indian climate?"
"Why did you send me away?" he repeated.
"Don't I keep telling you?" Her tone was impatient. "I found out you
didn't care, and--and I'd always despised people who kept other people
when they wanted to go. And I knew you were too honourable, generous,
soft-hearted--what shall I say?--to go for your own sake, so I thought,
for your sake, I would make you believe you were to go for mine."
"So you lied to me?"
"Not exactly. We _weren't_ suited--since you didn't love me."
"_I_ didn't love you?" he echoed again.
"And somehow I'd always wanted to do something really noble, and I never
had the chance. So I thought if I set you free from a girl you didn't
love, and bore the blame myself, it _would_ be rather noble. And so I
did it."
"And did the consciousness of your own nobility sustain you
comfortably?" The sneer was well sneered.
"Well--not for long," she admitted. "You see, I began to doubt after a
while whether it was really _my_ nobleness after all. It began to seem
like some part in a play that I'd learned and played--don't you know
that sort of dreams where you seem to be reading a book and acting the
story in the book at the same time? It was a little like that now and
then, and I got rather tired of myself and my nobleness, and I wished
I'd just told you, and had it all out with you, and both of us spoken
the truth and parted friends. That was what I thought of doing at first.
But then it wouldn't have been noble! And I really did want to be
noble--just as some people want to paint pictures, or write poems, or
climb Alps. Come, take me back to the ball-room. It's cold here in the
Past."
But how could he let the curtain be rung down on a scene half finished,
and so good a scene?
"Ah, no! tell me," he said, laying his hand on hers; "why did you think
I didn't love you?"
"I knew it. Do you remember the last time you came to see me? We
quarrelled--we were always quarrelling--but we always made it up. That
day we made it up as usual, but you were still a little bit angry when
you went away. And then I cried like a fool. And then you came back,
and--you remember--"
"Go on," he said. He had bridged the ten years, and the scene was going
splendidly. "Go on; you must go on."
"You came and knelt down by me," she said cheerfully. "It was as good as
a play--you took me in your arms and told me you couldn't bear to leave
me with the slightest cloud between us. You called me your heart's
dearest, I remember--a phrase you'd never used before--and you said such
heaps of pretty things to me! And at last, when you had to go, you swore
we should never quarrel again--and that came true, didn't it?"
"Ah, but _why_?"
"Well, as you went out I saw you pick up your gloves off the table, and
I _knew_--"
"Knew what?"
"Why, that it was the gloves you had come back for and not me--only when
you saw me crying you were sorry for me, and determined to do your duty
whatever it cost you. Don't! What's the matter?"
He had caught her wrists in his hands and was scowling angrily at her.
"Good God! was _that_ all? I _did_ come back for you. I never thought
of the damned gloves. I don't remember them. If I did pick them up, it
must have been mechanically and without noticing. And you ruined my life
for _that_?"
He was genuinely angry; he was back in the past, where he had a right to
be angry with her. Her eyes grew soft.
"Do you mean to say that I was _wrong_--that it was all my fault--that
you _did_ love me?"
"Love you?" he said roughly, throwing her hands from him; "of course I
loved you--I shall always love you. I've never left off loving you. It
was you who didn't love me. It was all your fault."
He leaned his elbows on his knees and his chin on his hands. He was
breathing quickly. The scene had swept him along in its quickening flow.
He shut his eyes, and tried to catch at something to steady
himself--some rope by which he could pull himself to land again.
Suddenly an arm was laid on his neck, a face laid against his face. Lips
touched his hand, and her voice, incredibly softened and tuned to the
key of their love's overture, spoke--
"Oh, forgive me, dear, forgive me! If you love me still--it's too good
to be true--but if you do--ah, you do!--forgive me, and we can forget it
all! Dear, forgive me! I love you so!"
He was quite still, quite silent.
"Can't you forgive me?" she began again. He suddenly stood up.
"I'm married," he said. He drew a long breath and went on hurriedly,
standing before her, but not looking at her. "I can't ask you to forgive
me--I shall never forgive myself."
"It doesn't matter," she said, and she laughed; "I--I wasn't serious. I
saw you were trying to play the old comedy, and I thought I had better
play up to you. If I'd known you were married--but it was only your
glove, and we're such old acquaintances! There's another dance
beginning. Please go--I've no doubt my partner will find me."
He bowed, gave her one glance, and went. Halfway down the stairs he
turned and came back. She was still sitting as he had left her. The
angry eyes she raised to him were full of tears. She looked as she had
looked ten years before, when he had come back to her, and the cursed
gloves had spoiled everything. He hated himself. Why had he played with
fire and raised this ghost to vex her? It had been such pretty fire, and
such a beautiful ghost. But she had been hurt--he had hurt her. She
would blame herself now for that old past; as for the new past, so
lately the present, it would not bear thinking of.
The scene must be rounded off somehow. He had let her wound her pride,
her self-respect. He must heal them. The light touch would be best.
"Look here," he said, "I just wanted to tell you that I knew you weren't
serious just now. As you say, it was nothing between two such old
friends. And--and--" He sought about for some further consolation.
Ill-inspired, with the touch of her lips still on his hand, he said,
"And about the gloves. Don't blame yourself about that. It was not your
fault. You were perfectly right. It _was_ the gloves I came back for."
He left her then, and next day journeyed to Scotland to rejoin his wife,
of whom he was, by habit, moderately fond. He still keeps the white
glove she kissed, and at first reproached himself whenever he looked at
it. But now he only sentimentalises over it now and then, if he happens
to be a little under the weather. He feels that his foolish behaviour at
that Sydenham dance was almost atoned for by the nobility with which he
lied to spare her, the light, delicate touch with which he rounded off
the scene.
He certainly did round it off. By a few short, easy words he
accomplished three things. He destroyed an ideal of himself which she
had cherished for years; he killed a pale bud of hope which she had
loved to nurse--the hope that perhaps in that old past it had been she
who was to blame, and not he, whom she loved; he trampled in the mud the
living rose which would have bloomed her life long, the belief that he
had loved, did love her--the living rose that would have had magic to
quench the fire of shame kindled by that unasked kiss, a fire that frets
for ever like hell-fire, burning, but not consuming, her self-respect.
He did, without doubt, round off the scene.