AN EMPHATIC CLINCHER.
One of the last specimen _letters_ that I will offer I received late in
the year of our Lord 1854, which afforded me as much amusement
(considering the circumstances of the case) as any one I ever yet
received, of the thousands that found their way to "Geo. P. Burnham,
Esq.; Boston, Mass." Here it is, word for word:
"GEORG BURNAM:
"More'n a yeer aggo i cent yu twenty six dollers in a leter for 3
coshin chiner Chickns, an yu sed tha wus perfeck pure bludds an yu
lade yerseff lyble tu a Sute of prosekushn fer letin such dam stuf
go intu yure yard or out of it, eether.
"i bred them orl by themselfs an never had no uther cockrill on my
plase. an i _no_ yu cheeted me like the devl, an yu no it 2. the
fust lot of chickns i gut was awl _wite_ as snobawls. but i didnt
sa nothin, cause wy? Wat did I Want tu let fokes no ide bin fuled
an suckt in by a Corntemtible yanky, fer! i sed nothin an kep
shaidy, an stuk to it that i gut em to _breed_ wite fouls out
on--caus i Ment peeple shudent larf at me, no how!
"Wel, the nex lot of chickns i gut wus _black_ as thunder! _black_,
Geo Burnam--bred out of yur Patent yaller impoted preemum stock,
that yu an the lyin Noospappers ced wus pure bludds. i chocked
Every wun on em quicker 'n _scatt_--wen i found um, an ef Yude a
bin thare then i guess you Wuddent razed not more'n ten thowsen
more fouls to cheet Peeple with after ide a gut a holt on yure
desaitful gullet.
"never yu mind now, yuve gut my monny an yu can maik the most of
it. aint yu a Pooty kine of mann? dont yu think yu ort tu hav yure
Naim put in the nuspapper an let em say more'n fifty times a Munth
that yu breed onny pure Impoted stock? dont yu feel nice wen Yu
heer about the luck that peeple has with the stuf you impose on em
in this shaimfull maner? Yu muss be a Nise kine of a sort of mann,
i _dont_ think.
"i tell yu wot i think on yu. i think if yu Shud taik to sum onnest
imploiment, sech as drivin a express Waggin or sorring wood, yude
be Considurd a gentle mann Compaired with wat yu now be. everyboddy
nose how yu ar cheetin and Gougin and bleadin the publick, an yur
naim stinks wuss'n a ole Hen-cupe enny how. i spose tho ef yu
_shud_ taik to enny kine of onness sort of way tu git a livin it ud
kill yu dam quik cos yu aint uste tu it, an that wud serv yu rite,
yu Cheetin lyin onprinsipled nave. ide orter taikn bennits an
Minur's advise, an then i Shudent bin suckt by yu. _tha_ air Gentle
mann to yu, an tha aint no better then tha shud be Neyther--_no_
how!
"i dont mine the Eckspence, it aint no cornsidable matter of
konsekens Tu me, i 'shure yu. i can _stan_ it, yu needn't be
Afeered of that. i can aford tu be suckt wunce. But ide like yu tu
tell me how Blak chickns an wite chickns an sum of em _orl_ Cullers
tu, can cum out of pure bludded Aigs, or pure bludded fouls? tha
_carnt_, an yu kno it. an yu kno'de it afore, an yure Welcom tu orl
yule evver maik More out of _me_, bait yure life on that, georg
Burnam!
"go ahed. suc em as long as Yu can. tha wunt fine yu out fer a
wile, an yu can maik sum cornsidable mor Monny out of the flatts,
yit. yu thort yude suckt _me_ I spoze. well i own up. yu _did_. yu
gut twenty six dollers of my monny an i spose yu chukled about it,
same's yu did Wen yu stuk them roten aigs onto bill turner. Yude
beter cum here, this wa, sum fine da an See the stock here thats
bred out of yure preemum fouls. praps Yude git hoam agin without a
saw hed. i think yu wood. haddn't yu Better try it on--_hay_?
"dont yu wish ide pade the postige on this leter? Yule git a wus
wun nex time. ile rite yu agin, wunct a weak, cee ef i dont. ile
Meat yu sum day at sum of the _fares_ an then cee if i dont Rake
yu down with a corse comb. i haint harf dun with yu yit, by a dam
site. so wate.
"In haist,
"B---- F---- L----.
"_Poss Skrip._--P.S. i seen in boston _Times_ yisterday that yu
'Lade six aigs on The editurs table, 8 inchis long an 4 inchis
Round.' This was put in that paper i Spose sose yu cud cell Aigs.
yu ma pool wull over thair ies But yu dont fule _Me_. i doant
bleeve yu ever Lade a aig in yur life--yu Hombugg. go tu the devl
gorge Burnam!"
A German friend of mine once temporarily left the profession to which he
had been educated thoroughly, and, with a few hundred dollars in hand,
purchased a small place, a dozen miles out from the city, which was
called by the seller of it "a farm."
Mynheer went to work lustily at his new vocation, slaving and sweating
and puffing away over his lately acquired grounds, every moment of time
that he could borrow or steal from his legitimate duties, and expending
upon his "farm" every dollar he could rake and scrape together.
In the fall of his first year as a "practical agriculturist," I met him
casually, and I said,
"A----, how does the farming succeed with you? How have you made it?"
"By gar," he replied, "I 'av try vera hard all de time, I 'av plant
potato an quash an corn an all dat, I 'av hire all my neighbors to 'elp,
I buy all de manoor in town, I 'av spent all my monish--an wot you tink,
now, Burnham--wot you tink I get--eh? Well, I git one dam big
watermel'n, dass all;--but _he never git ripe, by gar_!"
When I had read the letter which I have just quoted above, I thought of
my friend A----, and I said that my correspondent (like a good many
before him), as did Mynheer A----, had undertaken a business which was
entirely beyond his comprehension.
His letter was complimentary, (!) to say the least of it. But the young
man was easily excited, I think. He did pay me some twenty-six dollars
for four chickens, and from some cause (unknown to this individual) he
got only white or black progeny from the _yellow_ fowls I sent him! Was
that any business of _mine_? He should have thanked, rather than have
abused me, surely,--for didn't he thus obtain a _variety_ of "pure"
stock, from one and the same source?
Such fortune as this was by no means uncommon. The yellow stock was
crossed in China, oftentimes, long before we ever saw it here; and there
was only one means of redress that I could ever recommend to these
unlucky wights, conscientiously, and that was to buy _more_, and try it
again.
_Sometimes_ "like would breed its like" in poultry; not often, however,
within _my_ humble experience! The amateurs were continually trying
experiments, and grumbling, and constantly dodging from one "fancy" kind
of fowl to another, in search of the _right_ thing; and I endeavored to
aid them in their pursuit; though they did not always attain their
object, even when they purchased of _me_.
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