four smartly dressed young men, who were between twenty and twenty-five
years of age, the more did I fear them, and I hoped we might encounter a
policeman, so that I might voluntarily surrender myself to the toils of
the law, as I expected to be killed by this party. But I have learned by
experience that a policeman can never be found when needed most. Some
civilian pedestrians were met, but I was afraid of the consequences of
appealing to them.
Arrived at 29th Street, they stated their purpose of leading me down
this particularly dark and deserted thoroughfare, probably in order to
assault and rob me, and this prospect made me more anxious than ever to
be delivered out of their hands. A chance of deliverance presented
itself. There are steam railroad tracks in the middle of 10th Avenue and
a long freight train happened to be passing slowly. Two horse-cars, each
containing several passengers, were waiting at the corner of 29th Street
until the train passed. The four drivers and conductors were all
outside. As my captors led me within three feet of one of the platforms,
I suddenly broke away and attempted to board the car. But they jerked me
away, struggling and crying out to the conductor, only an arm’s length
distant: “I want to board this car and they won’t let me! Won’t you
please make them leave me alone?”
[Sidenote: _One of the Worst Assaults._]
But he did not make a move or say a word, any more than if he had been a
statue. The other three drivers and conductors were likewise interested
spectators, but made no move to help me. When I saw their inaction, I
screamed “Help! Help!” hoping to alarm the passengers. Such a procedure
angered my captors to the exploding point, and they all pitched into me,
threw me to the ground, pounded me, kicked me, and stamped upon me. The
two conductors stood for a moment directly over my prostrate body, but
remained neutral. I screamed as I have never screamed on any other
occasion, but none of the passengers appeared to hear me.
In about a minute the train had passed and the two horse-cars started on
their way. As I saw them disappearing and leaving me alone with my
assailants, all hope of life departed. I found myself exceedingly calm
and resigned to my fate. My life and consciousness seemed to be
flickering, ready to be entirely extinguished. The next thing I knew, I
was vomiting violently, and then my senses began to come back. I found
myself all alone, and also found that my pockets had been ransacked.
[Sidenote: _Career of Fille de Joie in Paris Meditated._]
For several days my whole body was so sore as to make it painful to move
about. Moreover, for several days I experienced a season of mental
depression with impulses toward suicide. Few souls ever had such a
burden to bear. Yet the world has no sympathy for these unhappiest of
mortals, the refined sexual inverts. Thousands of them are driven to
suicide out of every generation, and yet the world is unmoved by their
sorrows. Every other human creature when in sorrow and trouble receives
comfort from his fellows, but mankind heaps sorrow on sorrow upon the
head of the already despairing invert. Even his own family turn their
backs on him and disown him.
About this time, thoughts came to me of going over to London or Paris,
far from my family, where they could never learn of my shame, and
passing the remainder of my youth wholly given up to the life of a fille
de joie. But I did not take this step, chiefly out of love for my
parents, to save them sorrow on my account.
* * * * *
I have now reached a period of my life lasting over two years during
which it was my luck to serve as private secretary to a millionaire
septuagenarian living in the suburbs of the metropolis. Though
surrounded with all the comforts of wealth, and having every opportunity
for intellectual growth and enjoyment, the “procreative” instinct
allowed me no rest. At times I would wish for a life of poverty in the
slums with a mate to living in my refined and elegant surroundings
without any opportunity for gratification of this instinct. I found it
absolutely necessary to spend one night out of fourteen in the city’s
slums. The curative value of a good environment is evident from the fact
that I was fully satisfied with that frequency.
[Sidenote: _The Why of a Double Life._]
The _Why_ of a double life has already been sufficiently
indicated—namely, at least in my own case, mental peculiarity, a
constitution different from the normal. Does the reader suppose the
author led a double life because he _wanted_ to? Not at all, but simply
because Nature and society forced it upon him. Many could remain
celibate all their days with no sense of a great void in their life, and
with no suffering to themselves; but the author, remaining celibate much
beyond a month, would ordinarily rave, as a drug-victim raves when
unable to obtain his anodyne. It is a confession that I shrink from
making, but I feel that medical science should know it. At this period
of my life I had to escape to the slums to find opportunity for fellatio
in order to save myself from fellatio cum cani magno. The involuntary
desire for fellatio was irresistible and I would have sacrificed
everything for it. I trust all my readers are broadminded enough to see
that I was irresponsible for this condition, and that it was entirely
counter to my own wishes.
Secondly, the author was not at all to be blamed for having recourse to
the slums. For me it was the only way then open to satisfy the most
exacting demands of Nature. To frequent the forts had not yet been
seriously considered. How easy it is, comparatively, for the normal man
to gratify the procreative instinct! The man of high moral ideals can in
most cases marry, and possess his beloved every day and night, not for
only a few hours each month, as was the case with me during nearly all
my career. The rake obtains all the companions he wishes with no risk of
suffering violence. But an androgyne, if having any regard for his
reputation, has often, as already seen, to run the gauntlet of assault,
robbery, imprisonment, and even death, when he seeks his counterpart. To
no respectable young man of my acquaintance did I dare make known my
dreadful secret, which I believed would alienate from me every
respectable member of society who should learn it. Because of society’s
misunderstanding and prejudging my peculiarity, I was compelled to run
the risks of the slums. Mankind would ostracize me for it, but instead
they should pity me as one with whom the Almighty has dealt very
bitterly.
[Sidenote: _Some Eminent Men Are Inverts._]
Some eminent men in all callings are numbered among the inverts. Their
terrible secret is hidden from the world. If it should become known,
they are irretrievably lost, and would be ostracized with the greatest
possible disgust and repugnance, although these emotions have no basis
in reason. These inverts, who were brought up in refinement and hold
honorable positions in society, deplore their lot in life. They greatly
regret that they have to resort to such shameful and lamentable means as
they do. By reason of the universal hatred of mankind for those of the
race who are built on a different plan from the vast majority, these
inverts, well educated, holding an honorable position in the world, and
possessing a good income, are necessarily driven to subterfuges,
artifices, and deceptions of which the world, which now holds them in
honor, would believe them incapable. But they suffer from a craving
which _must_ be satisfied, even at the risk of the loss of property,
reputation, life itself. This craving, which medical writers like
Krafft-Ebing, who have made a study of the phenomenon, say is, in its
intensity, often immeasurably beyond the normal procreative instinct in
man, drives these unfortunates to “pick up” a poor young man whom they
come across in a part of the city remote from where they are known. But
everywhere there are traps set for these unfortunates—truly
unfortunates, since their repulsive instincts are no fault of their own,
being congenital—and in their search for the mate which is necessary for
their contented existence, they sometimes come to grief. Not only does
the blackmailer spread his net for these stepchildren of nature. The
civil authorities have also their detectives out after them.
[Sidenote: _Melancholy as Spree Approached._]
The _How_ of a double life during this period of my career will now be
described. On the eve of one of my fortnightly female-impersonation
sprees, the reader probably supposes that I would be happy in
anticipation. On the contrary, a great weight of sorrow and anxiety
always oppressed me. There was of course an attraction which drew me to
the city, but it was more than counterbalanced by the realization of the
risks of my losing my then enviable position in life, and the dread of
the danger I had to put myself in, in order to obtain the satisfaction
of my instincts. A peculiar phenomenon was vivid images of violent blows
in the face, since I had been the victim of such a number of times. But
even apart from the dread of the real dangers, even if there were no
such dangers, an overwhelming feeling of sadness and anxiety always came
over me as the time to go forth on my peculiar quest approached. On the
eve of a female-impersonation spree during this period, I always felt
like a soldier on entering a great battle from which he realized he
might never come back alive, or like a murderer on the eve of his
electrocution. On such occasions I habitually sang to myself:
“Why oh why should we be melancholy, boys,
Whose business ’tis to die?”
[Sidenote: _Preliminaries to Spree._]
Just before leaving my residence, I always knelt and prayed the Heavenly
Father to bring me back safe, and on my return likewise my first act was
to thank Him for it. Arrived in New York, my melancholy and dread would
almost entirely disappear, and in their place a sense of gladness would
spring up that in the great metropolis I was lost to all who knew me. I
was in the habit of putting up at a third-class hotel in a poor quarter
of the city, registering under an assumed name. About eight in the
evening, I would retire to my room, remove my outer clothing, conceal my
valuables, dress myself in a rather shabby suit, and saunter forth,
hurrying past hotel employees so that they would not observe my change
of apparel. Reaching the Bowery or some other street among those named
in the account of my “low-class fairie” period, I would experience a
feeling of exultation at finding myself again on Jennie June’s stamping
ground. I had left behind all my masculinity, such as it was. The
feminine in me, suppressed for two weeks, now held sway. My first care
was to hide a reserve fund in a small black box on a ledge of the old
market on the site of the present Police Headquarters on Centre Street.
[Sidenote: _Encounters with Police._]
I occasionally visited the scene of my fairie apprenticeship on Mulberry
Street. But a resident adolescent once remarked with much truth: “You
come around here looking like a tramp, but we have seen you up on Fifth
Avenue with fine clothes on. You look as though you didn’t have a cent,
but your shoes are full of money.” For success with this class, it is
almost necessary that an invert be looked upon as belonging to the same
social stratum.
On one occasion I was turned over to a policeman by a blackmailer, but
the former refused to arrest me, although he believed the accusations.
On another evening when I had not come to the city for a
female-impersonation spree, but nevertheless took a walk on the Bowery,
I scraped acquaintance with a high-class adolescent from the country who
was stranded in the city. We walked down a side street until we came to
a deserted block, and entered the pitch-dark portal of a closed factory.
But a huckster on the nearest corner happened to notice us skulk into
the portal, and supposing we were thieves, notified the first policeman
who passed, who sought another policeman that they might together
investigate. The two suddenly confronted us. I was horror-struck, as it
was the worst possible time for me to be arrested since I had on me
marks of my identity. They searched us and then made a correct guess.
One said with reference to me: “This fellow is a ——. We won’t touch him
because he can’t help it, but we’ll give this other fellow a good
clubbing.” They made us depart in opposite directions, clubbing my
companion a little.
[Sidenote: _Adventures with Thugs._]
On another evening I had been robbed of all my money. When we reached
the street I demanded back part of it. But my companion shouted “Police!
Police!” in order to frighten me away, saying he was going to have me
arrested because I was an invert. To a couple of young men he cried out:
“This fellow is a ——. Call a cop for me, will you? I want to have him
arrested.” But those addressed were too busy to interfere. A horse-car
then happened along, on which he jumped. I ran behind for a hundred
feet, crying to the conductor on the rear platform: “Put him off! He’s a
thief! He has robbed me!” But neither the conductor nor the men
passengers on the platform cared to interfere.
I occupied a room with a young ruffian at a third-class hotel other than
that where I had left my ordinary clothing and valuables. Before
retiring I withdrew to the toilet-room and placed the bulk of my money,
a five-dollar bill, in the toe of a sock. As I undressed, I was careful
to throw it far under the bed. After half an hour, we closed our eyes.
But I intended to remain awake until he had fallen asleep in order to
hide the door key lest he leave with my money and clothing while I
slept. He intended to remain awake until I slept, and then depart as
described. He tried to soothe me to sleep, exactly like a mother her
infant, but finally losing all hope, said: “Do you know how much you can
get for this? Twenty years in state’s prison!”
He dressed, ransacked my clothing, and then tied it in a bundle to carry
away, repeatedly warning me not to interfere under penalty of arrest. I
lay in consternation, meditating what steps to take. He finally demands:
“Where’s your other sock? I’m on to all the sly ways of you fairies!”
[Sidenote: _A Steamboat Flirtation._]
I now sprang out of bed, and started for the door, but he quickly
removed the key. Though expecting to be brained, I cried “Help! Help!”
“Stop your racket and you’ll get your things back!” But I kept pounding
and shrieking until the hall-boy opened the door. I remained standing
just outside until my companion left, watching that he took none of my
belongings. He said that he was going after a policeman in order to have
me arrested. The hall-boy appeared to be totally indifferent over the
accusation of my associate.
* * * * *
A steamboat flirtation: In my extensive globe-trotting, only two or
three times did I indulge in coquetry on a public conveyance, for fear
of disgrace or even robbery. But on the present occasion I was so
smitten that I took the risk. I had occasion to accompany my employer on
a trip to Boston. We went by the all-sea route around Cape Cod. During
the evening my employer preferred to remain inside, while I was out on
deck. I discovered a handsome adolescent seated alone, clad in a golf
suit, which always heightened to me a young man’s charms. I seated
myself near him, dying with desire to enter into conversation, but for a
while unable to surmount my bashfulness. But I soon began a conversation
which lasted a large part of the night. I drew from him the whole story
of his life. His last adventure had been a bicycle ride from Boston to
New York. The more I gazed at him, the more I heard about his life, and
the more I read his character from his countenance, his manners, and his
adventures, the more did I discover in him lovable qualities. His
ravishing beauty, his countenance ever beaming with smiles, his kindly
disposition toward me, his hot sensual nature, his fearlessness,
dare-deviltry, and thorough recklessness, and his intense masculinity in
general, attracted me so strongly that I became ready—as already
stated—to run the great risk of disclosing to my employer my perverted
nature, and thus losing the excellent position I held. We talked on
numerous subjects. After I had ascertained that he was a good-hearted
fellow who would not easily take offense, and a Don Juan, I began to
prepare to disclose my nature.
[Sidenote: _Method of Leading Up._]
“You have a beautiful golf suit on.”
“I shall never wear the rag again except to go skating in next winter.”
“You must not do that. It sets your form off beautifully. You are the
handsomest and the best dressed fellow on the boat.”
“Thank you. I’d give you a quarter for the compliment if I had the
change.”
“You appear to think I am flattering you, or making sport of you, but I
mean what I say. You have a beautiful build, and know how to dress in
good taste.”
“From my hips down I am well enough built, but higher up I am too
skinny.”
“Not a bit of it. You are just perfection all over. Your form is as
beautiful as that of Apollo.”
After a while, before I had been able to come to the point of distinctly
disclosing that I was an invert, he said he must go inside on account of
the chilliness of the air, and I plead with him not to go.
[Sidenote: _Year 1898._]
“I’ll see you later.”
“Be sure not to forget. I shall be in misery until you are again by my
side.”
He laughed, apparently not yet fully understanding my feeling for him,
and departed. A moment later I myself went inside, and took a seat
beside my employer. My new acquaintance happened to pass, and gave me
the sweetest, most loving smile I ever received. I was dying to follow
the smiler, but feared my employer would detect my attraction. After
several minutes, I followed in the direction in which he had
disappeared, and finding him seated alone a little distance off, I
whispered: “Come out on deck.”
We seated ourselves close together. It was dark and there were no others
sitting very near. I took one of his hands in mine, and asked if I might
kiss it. He replied: “You can do anything to me you want to.”
I now opened my heart to him fully. Though I loved him even to frenzy, I
found him hardly less drawn to me. He reciprocated my affection as no
lover ever before. We sat together for hours. Soon all the other
passengers had retired, and I reclined in my lord’s arms. Long after
midnight, my lord, desiring to get some sleep, repeatedly requested me
to leave him for the night, saying we could meet again in Boston. But I
knew that on account of my being in the company of my employer, I could
never meet the young man again, and could not yet tear myself away.
Several times he good-humoredly wrenched himself from my grip, saying he
must get some sleep. But each time, advancing toward the taff-rail, I
would call out: “I am going to jump into the sea if you leave me alone.”
With other intimates, I had used the ruse of suicide if they did not
yield to my entreaties, but they had only replied: “If you want to be
such a fool as to kill yourself, I won’t stop you.” But this noble
fellow ran after me and restrained me, and said he would sit up a little
longer.
[Sidenote: _A Measure of My Affection._]
Towards four A. M., the poor young man was in a predicament as to how to
get rid of me, who had lost my reason. He was of such a kindly
disposition that he did not wish to hurt or offend me, but my continuous
kisses and caresses finally became so annoying that in the hope of
bringing an end to them, not at all with malice, he clutched me by the
throat as if in anger. But I exclaimed: “Your cruelty only makes me love
you the more!” and again started in to cover him with kisses—hair, face,
hands, arms, and clothing, even his shoes.
“You must want to get into your mouth all the dust I picked up off the
road yesterday.”
“That’s just what I do. Its coming into contact with your dear body has
transformed it and etherialized it. Oh, I love you so much! So much! No
other girl ever worshipped her lord as I worship you. I know it is wrong
to hate, and I pray God to forgive me, but I now feel only hatred toward
everybody who stands in the way of our being one, and living out our
lives together.”
After some time, as a last resort, pretending to be very angry, he
kicked me, and ordered me to go down to the other end of the boat. Such
treatment humiliated and saddened me, because I thought it an evidence
that I was despised. I immediately became repentant for having so
imposed on his good nature, asked his pardon, and departed.
[Sidenote: _In My Twenty-Fifth Year._]
When I left, I expected never to set eyes on him again. The next morning
I purposely lay abed very late, in order that he might have taken his
departure before I should leave my state-room. I was afraid he might
encounter me with my employer, and in some way betray to the latter my
sexual peculiarity. But as it happened, he also did not leave the boat
until late, and caught sight of me seated at the breakfast table with my
employer. On seeing him approach, I was stricken with terror, fearing he
might denounce me. As he passed, I hardly dared look at him. He made a
sign for me to rise and follow him. For fear my employer might somehow
suspect something, and in order to discourage any farther approach, I
appeared not to notice his beckoning. Moreover, I did not dare follow
him immediately, though I would have given a fortune to have been at
full liberty to do so. I realized that I might be losing forever a
companion and mate for life whom I slavishly adored.
Five minutes afterward, as soon as I felt I could leave my employer’s
side without exciting his suspicion, I followed in the direction the
young man had taken, but saw nothing of him. Wringing my hands in
desperation, I rushed all over the vessel, peering into every nook and
corner. Then I went out on the wharf, and looked everywhere there. I
returned on board, and searched the whole boat from top to bottom three
times before giving up in despair. What a pang went through my heart
when I found he had gone and I not heard the message he had evidently
wished to give me! Never before in my life had I regretted anything as
much as not having inquired his name and address. As I was unwilling to
give my own, I did not like to ask for his. Furthermore, during our
evening together, I did not anticipate we could ever meet again, and so
thought it useless to ask. He, probably, as well as I, preferred that
his identity remain unknown.
[Sidenote: _Loss of My Best Chance._]
I had rarely felt more disconsolate, or more angry with the world, and I
experienced but little pleasure during my week in Boston. All the time,
the thought uppermost in my mind was to run across this young man again.
I spent as much time as possible in the most frequented localities,
peering into the face of every young man who passed to see if he were
not the one for whom I was pining. Several nights, after my employer had
retired, I stole out of my room, and seated myself on the steps of the
most frequented subway station until midnight, in the forlorn hope of
meeting by chance one particular individual out of the million in the
Boston metropolitan district.
He had informed me that he was an electrician. I spent many hours in
calling at shops where such workmen had their headquarters. Under some
pretext, I obtained permission to go through the works, and looked over
every young man employed there. I wrote letters to a number of his trade
whose names I found in the city directory, inquiring whether I had met
them on the steamer. On returning to New York, I engaged an electrical
apprentice to continue the search, but all my efforts proved fruitless.
* * * * *
[Sidenote: _Fairie Adventures in Europe._]