time, I wandered into Mr. George Hewlitt's emporium of chance,
armed with six iron dollars and a gold collar-button. They took my
six dollars away from me as though I wasn't fit to be trusted with
'em, and then I sprung my collar-button for another stack. As far
as I could see, that collar-button was all that stood between me
and a long, wide, thick, and cold winter. Hows'mever, there was no
unmanly tears in the eyes of the support of the noble house of
Scraggs when he plunked the lot on the corner.
"'Slave,' says I to the dealer in the language I learned shiftin'
scenes for a week, back in old St. Looey. 'Slave!' says I. 'I've
stacked my life agin the cast in your eye, and I will stand the
razzle of your dyestuff. Shoot! You're faded!'
"And he was, too. I caught that turn and about every other in the
deal; split him in half on the last card, and from that on I ripped
him up the back and knocked chunks off'n him until everybody got
interested.
"The game grew too small for both of us. I had four hundred
dollars in checks before me, and my original collar-button. I
asked him for his limit. He replied that notwithstandin' the
enormous and remarkable growth of institutions of learning
throughout the country and the widespread interest in arithmetic,
it hadn't been figured out yet.
"'Make good,' says I, tappin' the table with the finger of
authority.
"'I got you,' says he, and slams his roll upon the table. 'There's
eight hundred dollars.'
"'Well,' says I, 'I shall descend upon it in two flies, not
counting odd chips. Shall we cut?'
"He shoved out a deck. I cut a four-spot. It come to me all of a
sudden how futeel is human endeavors, how fleetin' is man's hopes,
for we was playin' it high man wins. And then he cut a
three-specker, and talked unwisely. Then he cut a king, and a soft
smile lighted his face. I cut an ace. He looked at it, reached
up, and took down a sign:
ACE IS ALWAYS
HIGH IN THIS HOUSE.
--a sign he'd made with his own fair hands, and he says to me, 'You
don't mind if I keep this as a sooveneer of the joyful occasion, do
you? You can have the rest of the place, for I move after two
beats like that.'
"So then the crowd was uproarious, and I treated several times for
Mrs. Scraggs and several times for myself, divided the money
square, wrapped her half in a parcel with 'God Bless our Home'
marked on it and sent it around to her.
"It then occurred to me I weren't dressed according to my
prosperity. So I cut the boys and ambled around to Eichenstein's
to get some clothes.
"Old Eichy clasped his hands with innocent glee.
"'I have got id!' says he, clawing out some black duds. 'You
remember dat 'biscobal mineesder who beat der sheriff to der drain?
Dat is der close he orter t' und didn't bay for--dey fid you like a
finger in der mud.'
"I tried to explain to Eichy that I didn't need no minister
clothes, but he was shocked at the idea, so I bought 'em and put
'em on.
"It next occurred to me that with a new soot of clothes and money
in my pocket I'd orter travel and see a little of the world once
more, so I gathers the boys and four members of the Dogtown band,
and we went eight miles to the station in good shape. It made the
people look to see us marchin' in.
"'Gimme a ticket,' says I to the station man.
"'Where are you going to?' says he.
"If there's one thing I can't put up with it's impudence from a
railroad man.
"'What in the hereafter business is that of yours?' says I. 'You
gimme a ticket, quick, or there'll be a wreckin' train due at this
spot.'
"'Well, how can I tell what to do?' says he. 'Pay me for the
ticket, and you get it.'
"'Sir!' says I. 'Do you mean to insinooate that I can't or won't
pay for a dirty little railroad ticket? There you are--gimme a
ticket!'
"I slapped what I had loose on the counter; he counted it careful
and give me my paste-board, just as the engine come a-hissin' and
a-roarin' in. Gee, she did look bully to me! I hadn't seen a
train of cars for two years. We detained 'em no longer than was
necessary to treat the engineer and the rest of the crew proper in
the matter of drinks, and I was off, leanin' back comfortable in
the smoker, puffin' huge and prosperous puffs of real seegar smoke
into the air, and with the careless thumb of wealth tucked into the
armpit of my vest. I reckoned I must have dozed, for bimeby the
conductor shook me by the arm and says, respectful, 'We're nearin'
your station, sir.'
"I looked out, and I see down the track the most lonesome inhabited
spot on the face of this earth. If houses has ghosts I should say
that the ghosts of some forty houses that had committed the crime
of not bein' properly built had collected themselves there--why,
even the snow around the cussed things looked second-hand.
"I made up my mind on the instant that I'd never really intended to
go there. But it was too late now. I didn't propose to back down
before that conductor.
"'The names of all these little towns is so much alike,' says I,
'that I've forgot the name of this one already.'
"'Yes?' says he, raisin' his eyebrows. Of course, as a matter of
fact, I hadn't thought to look at my ticket; but having started on
this line I meant to buck through.
"'Yes,' says I. 'Would you mind giving it to me?'
"'Oggsouash,' says he.
"There was silence for a second.
"'Hog's wash,' says I, musin'. 'Don't seem like I ort to have
forgot that, does it?'
"'No,' says he; 'it don't.'
"There come a kind of awkward silence again, me thanking the Lord
that we was almost there.
"'Injun name,' says the conductor.
"'Sure,' says I; 'of course; certainly; I remember now distinctly.
What saloon do you recommend?'
"'Saloon?' says he, steppin' back.
"'Saloon,' says I, wonderin' where he found the queerness of my
words.
"'Saloon?' says he. 'Why, man, it's a Prohibition, Presbyterian,
Vegetarian Colony. I didn't know what to make of your actions when
you got aboard, but from your face and clothes I supposed you was
one of them ministers coming to scare the kids to death for a
Christmas present. Ain't you one of 'em?'
"'I'm a sort--sort of connection,' says I with my expirin' breath.
"He looked at me as if he couldn't quite see the connection.
'Well,' says he, 'here we are, and they're expectin' you, for
there's a lady waitin' on the platform.'
"'A lady?' says I, risin' from my tomb. I'd begun to think before
there was truth in the sayin', 'You can't win at two games on the
same day,' but when I heard there was a lady waitin' for me--well,
if there's any man in this here bull-pen can think what I thought,
let him whisper it in confidence, and I'll make it right with him.
"I never knew how I got off that train of cars.
"Well, I oughtn't to have been scart--it was the littlest,
thinnest, palest, tremblingest woman you ever saw--why, there
wasn't a Mrs. Scraggs on the face of the earth that couldn't 'a'
dandled her in her arms like a baby.
"'Is this the Reverend Silas Hardcrop?' says she.
"'Yes, madam,' says I, thinkin' it best to humor her, even if she
was small.
"'I wanted to meet you first--I wanted to say--to speak--there's
something I felt I must tell you,' she says.
"Thinks I: 'No, you don't. So long's I've got a gun in each hind
pocket I reckon the men folks and me will get long all right, but
private conversations with ladies is off the bill-of-fare.' So I
says:
"'Y-a-a-s?' in a tone of voice to put out a bonfire.
"'Oh, it doesn't matter,' she said quick and shaky; 'it was silly
of me. I only thought----' Well, she was tremblin' with cold or
somethin', and kind of near cryin', too--one of them women that
wears themselves out by botherin' to be good, and if they are good,
botherin' about what ought to be done next. In short, as the
saying is, I forgot my part.
"'Why, you poor little critter,' says I; 'you're near froze to
death--take a drop of this,' pullin' out a flask of Peg-leg's best.
"'What?' she says, starting back in horror. 'Can that be _whisky_?'
"'Madam!' says I, rememberin', 'how dast you? That's a
prescription put up by my favorite physician--a small dose will do
you a large good. Try a piece, and we'll go in the station, where
it's warmer, I hope, and talk it over.'
"She strangled some, but downed a trifle.
"There was a good old lignite fire blazin' away 'n the station.
"'Now that you've been _so_ kind to me,' she says, 'I dare tell you
what I thought.'
"She had stopped shiverin'--Peg-leg's best knocked shivers quick.
"'I don't want you to think I do not believe in our tenets, because
I do, I _do_!' says she; 'but it's been such a hard and weary year,
with no brightness in it, and the old times come to me so, and they
haven't had anything--really, you know, and it's awful to think of
Christmas going by without--without--I know it's a Pagan festival,
and that Christians should pass the day in meditation and fasting,
but--don't you see?'
"'Certainly,' says I. 'If there ever was a guilty party that
didn't do it, why, she's not him--you and me agree there, entirely.'
"'I beg your pardon?' says she, lookin' at me with them scart-deer
eyes of hers. 'I don't quite understand--I'm so stupid.'
"'Yes, that's what's apt to come of vegetables,' says I. 'But tell
me more about the Pagan festival.'
"I fancy Peg-leg's best couraged her up some.
"'I don't think it's a Pagan festival for children to have fun and
toys for Christmas. I don't,' she says, 'I can't. And to think of
them sitting there in that cold church for hours to-morrow--ugh!'
she says.
"Well, dear friends and brothers, I did think of 'em sittin' in
that cold church. There was a time when I uset to behave fine for
a month previous to December twenty-fifth, for the priv'lige of
seein' Uncle Santy Claus tumble down the chimbley; and I want to
say right here that all the good times I have seen sence ain't got
near enough to them good times to catch their dust. Besides which,
the merry Christmas in glassified form with which I had encouraged
myself at Peg-leg's, and the wad of that beautiful sensitive plant,
the long green, which was reposin' on my heart, says to me:
'Scraggsy, spring yourself--jump, boy, jump!'
"And furthermore, in the wildest dreams of my youth I had never
figgered on spendin' a cold and cloudy Christmas in the bosom of a
Presbyterian, Prohibition, Vegetarian Colony. It stood to reason
if I didn't do something to that colony the colony would do a thing
to Scraggs. I made up my mind that right here was where I jarred
Oggsouash to a finish.
"And further still, that poor little deluded, cold-potato-fed woman
was on my mind.
"'You mean,' says I to her--my eddication in the Mormon Church, and
what I learned about play-actin' in St. Looey, standin' me in handy
for manners--'that these here children, the offspring of cold water
and vegetables, is expected to pass to-morrow in prayer and
meditation, and be better for it?'
"'Yes, sir!' says she, impressed by my manners.
"'Well, then, madam,' says I, 'if you'll excuse my onprofessional
language, I'll say that that's a low-down, Scandahoovian outrage.'
"'Now,' says she, eager, 'that's just what I think.'
"'Madam,' says I, bowin', 'I'm enchanted to see such a spirit--I'll
think kindly of turnips from this day on. Let us prescribe for
ourselves once more--the directions say take one every three
minutes until you feel better. Besides, you got to help me, and
you'll need your strength. My duties demand that I leave here by
the night freight, but before that----' And I give her her
directions. She jumped up and hustled out, as young as ever she
was.
"Then I went up to the telegrapher. 'Where can I buy some toys and
truck, to come out on Number Three?' says I.
"He didn't pay no attention.
"I reached in and took him gently by the hair, drawin' him part way
through his cubby-hole so's he could hear plain.
"'My young friend,' says I, 'is it any part of your notion that I
grew up on cabbages? Does it please your youthful fancy to picture
me picketed out to grass, and chewin' my cud on a sunny slope?'
"'Ow!' says he. 'Leggo m' hair!'
"'You are now in the hands of E. G. W. Scraggs,' says I, 'an honor
which I shall give you cause to appreciate if you don't lend me
your ears to what I say. Do you think you can hear me now?'
"'Yes, sir. Oh, yessir, yessir,' says he.
"'Good,' says I. 'Then telegraph to the first place east to send
one hundred dollars' worth of toys out here on Number Three.
Here's your money.'
"Well, he picked away, and then we waited. Bimeby we got the
foolishest kind of answer: 'What sort of toys? How much of each?'
etc.
"'Michael and the Archangels all,' says I, 'how am I supposed to
know? Ain't that part of a toy-shop man's business? Here, young
man, you tick-tack 'em that I want toys--children's toys--to use up
one hundred plunks--I want 'em on Number Three--and if they don't
arrive I will. I will arrive in their little old toy-shop and play
with them till they holler for ma. Tell 'em I never felt more
impatient in my life than I am this minute, and that I'm getting
more so per each and every clock tick. Mention the name of Zeke
Scraggs, so they won't think it's Mr. Anonymous behavin' frivolous.
Tell 'em I mean every word of it. Go on; do it.'
"So he did.
"Then comes a sensible answer: 'Goods go forward by Number Three.'
"'Sure,' says I. 'ill you join me?'
"'I certainly will,' says he, and bimeby he cried because I looked
so like his father, who was just the same kind of short, thick-set,
hairy kind of person I was.
"Then my poor little deer-eyed woman come back with a roll of
cotton-battin'; at the same minute Number Three pulled in. 'You
get Jimmy, there,' says I to her, 'to help you whack up the
play-toys, whilst I disguise myself as Santy Claus."
"She stopped and looked at me, then she says in a scart whisper,
'Are you _really_ the Reverend Silas Hardcrop?'
"'I'm just as near bein' the Reverend Silas Hardcrop as I shall
ever get,' says I.
"There come a twinkle of somethin' almost like fun in her eye. 'I
told them.' says she, 'that you would address them at seven, sharp.'
"She and me an Jimmy finished Jimmy's lunch and sat around, whilst
I told 'em anecdotes concernin' life as it was lived outside the
bonds of Oggsouash, till quarter to seven rolled around. Then we
took the back way to the church.
"I don't think it has ever been my privilege to gaze on one hundred
and fifty faces all so astonished at one and the same time as when
I stepped forward to the center of the stage at Oggsouash and
addressed the meetin', me bein' clad as Santy Claus, in flowin'
white whiskers, hair to match. Jimmy's coat that come down almost
to my waist, a baggage-truck of toys behind me, and a gun in each
hand.
"'Dearly beloved brethren,' says I, 'I shall try to interest you
for a few minutes, and I urge and beg and pray of you that if any
male member of your number here assembled feels in any way nervous
or fidgety during the course of my remarks that he will conceal it
with all possible haste and discreshun, because otherwise I ain't
goin' to have the bill for the consequences in my mail.
[Illustration: "'Dearly beloved brethren,' says I."]
"'How Oggsouash and I come together is neither here nor there,
although I could find it in my heart to wish it was,' I says. 'But
now that the worst has happened, let us meet the consequences like
men--you, like men raised and prostrated by such things as
cauliflower, sweet potatoes, and hay, washed down by the water
which flows in all its glistening uselessness among the hop-toads
and mud-turtles of Oggsouash Creek; and me, like men that pick the
hindleg of an ox at a sittin' and make the spirits in Peg-leg's
place go down like the approach of Arctic breezes.
"'To resume,' says I. 'It may be that there ain't a man drifted
further from what the standards of this here place is than I be,
but I'm willin' to put my hand to an affydavit statin' it never
crossed my mind to draft a set of rules as an improvement on the
Almighty's. There's where you put it all over me. I have held up
a train to hear what the passengers would say, but lackin' the
advantages that has doubtless been yours, I duck when it comes to
reformin' Heaven.
"'It struck me with the force of a revelation when I arrived at
your glowin' mertroppollus this afternoon that to make any human
bein', particlerly children, forget for a time that they lived in
Oggsouash was a religious duty. I have therefore furnished a few
trifles for the purpose. I move you, ladies and gentlemen, that we
turn this Christmas Eve into a Pagan festival. All in favor of
this motion will keep their seats--contrary minded will please
rise,' and I cocked both guns.
"'Carried, unanimous,' says I. 'Now, please let each young person
come forward as his, her, or its name is called. I shall be
severely displeased if you don't.'
"Then I read from the list the lady had furnished me, and the kids
come up. The last party on the list was a little gal that had been
poppin' up an' down like a prairie-dog, fearin' she was goin' to
git left, and when at last I sings out 'Annabella Angelina
Hugginswat!' here she come, her eyes snatched wide open by the two
little pigtails that stuck out behind, walkin' knock-kneed and
circular, as some little girls does, and stiff er'n a poker in her
j'ints from scart-to-death and gladness.
"'Angelina,' says I, pickin' up the big doll-baby I'd saved for
her, 'you must be the fond parient of this child,' says I. 'Raise
it kindly; teach it that it's been damned since the year of our
Lord B. C. 7604; feed it vegetables, Angelina, and keep it away
from strong drink, even if you have to use force.'
"Angelina, she didn't mind my pursyflage, but she just stood there
quiverin' all over, lookin' at her prize.
"'Ith that my dolly?' she says.
"'That's your sure-enough dolly, little gal,' I says.
"She took hold of it--her little arms was stiff as railroad ties
and her hands was cold.
"She looked at me again and whispered: "'Ith that my dolly,
_really_, _truly_, mithter?'
"She looked so darned funny standin' there that I grabbed her right
up and kissed her.
"'If anybody tries to take that dolly away from you, you let _me_
know--skip!' says I, and down the aisle she runs hollerin': 'Oh,
papa, papa! Thee my dolly!' Seems she didn't have no mother, poor
little thing.
"Well, sir, old human nature is human nature, after all--elsewise
it would be a darned funny state of affairs--but anyhow, that
little gal's holler did something to my friends, the Oggsouashers.
I don't think I overstep the mark when I say some of 'em smiled a
kindly smile.
"'But I didn't have no time to study it. If I missed my freight I
stayed in Oggsouash over night, so, reasonin' thus, the tall form
of E. G. W. Scraggs might 'a' been seen proceedin' toward the
railroad track at the rate of seventeen statute miles per hour.
Just as I hooked on to the caboose comes a feller pastin' after me.
"'Say!' he whoops. 'Say! We want to thank you!'
"'Turn it in to the kids,' says I. 'Good-night, Oggsouash,
good-night,' I says, 'Partin' is such sweet sorrow that I could say
good-night as long as my wind held out.'
"Well, sir, it was nigh three in the mornin' when I hit Castle
Scraggs agin, after the coldest walk to be found anywhere outdoors;
but when Mrs. Scraggs come to the door--and it was one of the
blackest-eyed and snappiest of the race--and she says, 'Zeke
Scraggs! Where you been?' I just fell into her arms.
"'Bear with me, Susan, or Mary Ann, or whatever your name is,' says
I, 'for I've had a ter'ble time.'
"'You behave yourself, you old idiot, or I'll do you personal
harm,' says she.
"'Thank you, thank you for them sweet words, spoke by somebody
_alive_, anyhow,' says I. 'And this much more, Mrs. Scraggs,' says
I, 'before we part. If ever you hear me complain of anythin'
concernin' you ladies just you say "Oggsouash" to me and hold your
hand, so, to indicate an empty glass.
"'Good-night, Susanna--Merry Christmas,' says I. 'On my word of
honor, there has been one moment of my life when I was glad to see
you.'
"And I left her standin' there, with the candle in her hand,
paralyzed.
"And I can conclood, as I suggested in the beginning, that I had
not foresaw one item of these occurrences when I risked that
collar-button."
IV
THE SIEGE OF THE DRUG STORE
"Once upon a time, when I was scarcely married at all, you might
say," began Mr. Scraggs, "I quit workin' for a livin' and started a
scientific school."
"_You_ did?" cried Red, after one astonished second vanished in the
past.
"Yes, sir," replied Mr. Scraggs, "I did. _It_ was for the
investigation and pursuit of this, here doctrine of chances. The
idee was to put a little box full of playin'-cards on the table,
and draw them forth one at a time, to see just how they'd fall.
Some of the students got that interested they bet on the results."
"Oh!" said Charley, "I took a course in that one winter myself.
Did you always draw _one_ card at a time out'n that box, Zeke?"
"So help me, Bob! I did," returned Mr. Scraggs most earnestly.
"Hence I didn't get rich. It sometimes happened that a Wild Wolf
from Up the Creek would breeze in, full of rum, plumb foolishness,
and money. Oh, man! High or low, red or black, odd or even,
coppered or open, on the corner or let her rip, last turn and in
the middle, from soda-card to hock, them brier-whiskered
sons-of-guns would whipsaw my poor little bank till there wasn't
much left of her but sawdust. Yes, sir," mourned Mr. Scraggs, "I
made enough out of the early birds to eat, but them Roarin' Bears
from Bruindale uset sometimes to apply the flat of their hands to
my seat of learning till the sparks flew out of my eyes. In short,
this sportin' life was too much up and down hill for me. No sooner
would I git ready to declare a dividend than one of my outside
customers would come in and take that dividend and wipe both feet
on it, roll on it, stomp it, fly ten foot in the air and come down
on it, bite chunks out of it, and then I'd light a match, gather
the crumbs from the floor, and wisht I could git holt of something
at once easy and reliable.
"Well, there was a friend of mine lived at the Transcontinental
Hotel. The partition between his room and mine didn't come clear
to the ceiling, so when I arrived home late I uset to heave a boot
over on top of him and have a chin. He was a nice feller, Hadds.
A pale, thin sort of man, very red-headed--that is to say, not
red-headed like some parties I have known, but a sort of bashful
red, that would ha' been different if it could; and he wore eight
large freckles on his face. There would have been more if there
had been more room. Hadds was then workin' for the railroad
company, but not happy. He was in the dispatcher's office, and I'd
hear him holler in his nightmares, 'There they go! Bang!
Everybody killed! I always expected it!'
"You see, he lived in fear of running two excursion trains
together. Nervous cuss--oh, awful! Not without reason, neither.
Seems when he was at college he studied chemistry. Always
experimentin'. Mixed two things that was born to live apart.
Hadds left simooltaniously with that corner of the buildin'. He
didn't stop till he reached the Transcontinental Hotel.
"Hadds worked at me to start a drug store with him. He'd saved
some out of his wages, and he knew I had a fluctuatin' roll. He
says, 'You're goin' bust some day, young man--why don't you quit
it? You come with me and we'll make a decent thing. It's mighty
lucky for the gang that they swill patent medicines instead of
lettin' that Jones up the street give' em a quick finish over the
prescription counter. That pill-wrangler couldn't tell the
difference between an auger-hole riffle-board and a porous plaster
if there wasn't a label on the box. Jeeminnetticus!' says Hadds,
'when he mixes coffin varnish for a man you'd think he was
scramblin' eggs. Come on, Washy,' he says, 'while you got the
price. You'd like the business.'
"One night it happened Bitter Water Simpson was borne on the wings
of evening to my place of business, and he calculated that the last
two cards in the box would come out, queen first, trey next. He
was so sure he inquired about the theory of limits.
"'The limit,' says I, 'is the clothes and contents, body and
immortal soul of E. G. W. Scraggs. You slam your wad down and I'll
cash it.'
"It had occurred to me there was no use foolin' longer. If I
busted this gun-fighter I went into the drug business; if he busted
me I'd take a walk.
"He laid down one thousand dollars' worth of Government promises,
and I took a long breath, drew forth, first trey, next queen,
removed his money from the table with a light, sure touch, threw
the layout in the stove, blew out the lamp, remarked that the bank
was closed, and stood prepared to deal in chemicals instead of
playin'-cards.
"Simpson was surprised. 'Ain't I goin' to get satisfaction?' says
he.