THANATOS AND ZOE
I think it must have been soon after this that my uncle bought himself a
horse. I know something of horses now--that is, if much riding and much
love suffice to give a knowledge of them--and the horse which was a glory
and a wonder to me then, is a glory and a wonder to me still. He was
large, big-boned, and powerful, with less beauty but more grandeur than a
thoroughbred, and full of a fiery gentleness. He was the very horse for
sir Philip Sidney!
One day, after he had had him for several months, and had let no one
saddle him but himself, therefore knew him perfectly, and knew that the
horse knew his master, I happened to be in the yard as he mounted. The
moment he was in the saddle, he bent down to me, and held out his hand.
“Come with me, little one,” he said.
Almost ere I knew, I was in the saddle before him. I grasped his hand,
instinctively caught with my foot at his, and was astride the pommel. I
will not say I sat very comfortably, but the memory of that day's delight
will never leave me--not “through all the secular to be.” There must be a
God to the world that could give any such delight as fell then to the
share of one little girl! I think my uncle must soon after have got
another saddle, for I have no recollection of any more discomfort; I
remember only the delight of the motion of the horse under me.
For, after this, I rode with him often, and he taught me to ride as
surely not many have been taught. When he saw me so at home in my seat as
to require no support, he made me change my position, and go behind him.
There I sat sideways on a cloth, like a lady of old time on a pillion.
When I had got used to this, my uncle made me stand on the horse's broad
back, holding on by his shoulders; and it was wonderful how soon, and how
unconsciously, I accommodated myself to every motion of the strength that
bore me, learning to keep my place by pure balance like a rope-dancer. I
had soon quite forgotten to hold by my uncle, and without the least
support rode as comfortably, and with as much confidence, as any rider in
a circus, though with a far less easy pace under me. When my uncle found
me capable of this, he was much pleased, though a little nervous at
times.
Able now to ride his big horse any way, he brought me one afternoon the
loveliest of Shetland ponies, not very small. With the ordinary human
distrust in good, I could hardly believe she was meant for me. She was a
dappled gray--like the twilight of a morning after rain, my uncle said.
He called her Zoe, which means Life. His own horse he called Thanatos,
which means Death. Such as understood it, thought it a terrible name to
give a horse. For most people are so afraid of Death that they regard his
very name with awe.
My uncle had a riding-habit made for me, and after a week found I could
give him no more trouble with my horsewomanship. At once I was at home on
my new friend's back, with vistas of delight innumerable opening around
me, and from that day my uncle seldom rode without me. When he went
wandering, it was almost always on foot, and then, as before, he was
always alone. The idea of offering to accompany him on such an occasion,
had never occurred to me.
But one stormy autumn afternoon--most of my memories seem of the
autumn--my uncle looked worse than usual when he went out, and I felt, I
think for the first time, a vague uneasiness about him. Perhaps I had
been thinking of him more; perhaps I had begun to wonder what the secret
could be that made him so often seem unhappy. Anyhow this evening the
desire awoke to be with him in his trouble whatever it was. There was no
curiosity in the feeling, I think, only the desire to serve him as I had
never served him yet. I had been, as long as I could remember, always at
his beck or lightest call; now I wanted to come when needed without being
called. Was it impossible a girl should do anything for a man in his
trouble? He, a great man, had helped a little girl out of the deepest
despair; could the little girl do nothing for the great man? That the big
people should do everything, did not seem fair! He had told me once that
the world was held together by what every one could do that the others
could not do: there must be something I could do that he could not do!
The rain was coming down on the roof like the steady tramp of distant
squadrons. I was in the study, therefore near the tiles, and that was how
the rain always sounded upon them. Tramp, tramp, tramp, came the whole
army of things, riding, riding, to befall my uncle and me. Tramp, tramp,
came the troops of the future, to take the citadel of the present! I was
not afraid of them, neither sought to imagine myself afraid! I had no
picture in my mind of any evil that could assail me. A little grove of
black poplars under the gable-window, kept swaying their expostulations,
and moaning their entreaties. The great rushing blasts of the wind
through their rooted resistance, made the music of the band that
accompanied the march of the unknown. I sat and listened, with the vague
conviction that something was being done somewhere. It could not be that
only the wind and the trees and the rain were in all that wailing and
marching! The Powers of life and death must somewhere be at work! Then
rose before me the face of my uncle, as he walked from the room, haloed
in a sorrowful stillness. If only I could be with him! If only I knew
where to seek him! Wishing, wishing, I sat and listened to the rain and
the wind.
Suddenly I found myself on my feet, making for the door. I would not have
ventured alone upon the moor in such a night, but I should have Zoe with
me, who knew all the ways of it--had doubtless been used to bogs in her
own country, and her mother before her! Like a small elephant, she would
put out her little foot, and tap, and sound, to see if the surface would
bear her--if the questionable spot was what it looked to her mistress, or
what she herself doubted it. When she had once made up her mind in the
negative, no foolish attempt of mine could overpersuade her--could make
her trust our weight on it a hair's-breadth. In a bog the greenest spots
are the most dangerous, and Zoe knew it: the matted roots might be afloat
on a fathomless depth of water. Backed by my uncle, she soon taught me to
be as much afraid of those green spots as she was herself. I had learned
to trust her thoroughly.
I took my way to the stable, with a hug and a kiss to Martha as I passed
her in the kitchen, I got the cowboy to saddle Zoe, fearing I might not
persuade one of the big men on such a night, and I was not quite able
myself to tighten the girths properly. She had not been out all day, and
when I mounted, she danced at the prospect of a gallop.
I took with me the little lantern I went about the place with when
there was no moon, and with this alight in my hand, we darted off at a
tight-reined gallop into the wet blowing night. What I was going for I
did not know, beyond being with my uncle. So far was I from any fear,
that, but for my shadowy uneasiness about him, I should have been filled
full of the wild joy of battle with the elements. The first part of the
way, I had to cling to the saddle: not otherwise could I keep my seat
against the wind, which blew so fiercely on me sideways, that it
threatened to blow me out of it.
I had not gone far before the saddle began to turn round with me; I was
slipping to the ground. I pulled up, dismounted, undid the girths with
difficulty, set the saddle straight, then pulled at every strap with all
my might. It was to no purpose: I could not get another hole out of one
of them. I mounted and set off again; but the moment a stronger blast
came, the saddle began to turn. Then I thought of something to try:
dismounting once more, I got up on the off side. The wind now pushed me
on to the saddle, freeing it from my leverage, while I had, besides, the
use of my legs against the wind, so that we got on bravely, my Zoe and I.
But, alas! my lantern was out, and it was impossible to light it again,
so that I had now no arrow to shoot at random for my uncle's eye. Before
long we reached a tolerable cart-track, which led across the waste to a
village, and the wind being now behind us, I resumed the more comfortable
seat in the saddle.
We were going at a good speed, and had ridden, as I judged, about three
miles, when there came a great flash of lightning--not like any flash I
had ever seen before. It was neither the reflection of lightning below
the horizon, nor the sudden zigzagged blade, the very idea of force
without weight; it was the burst of a ball-headed torrent of fire from a
dark cloud, like water sudden from a mountain's heart, which went rushing
down a rugged channel, as if the cloud were indeed a mountain, and the
fire one of its cataracts. Its endurance was momentary, but its moments
might have been counted, for it lasted appreciably longer than an
ordinary flash, revealing to my eyes what remains on my mind clear as the
picture of some neighbouring tree on the skin of one slain by lightning.
The torrent tumbled down the cloud and vanished, but left with me the
vision of a man, plainly my uncle, a few hundred yards from me, on a
gigantic gray horse, which reared high with fright. But for its size I
could have testified before a magistrate, that I had not only seen that
horse in the stable as my pony was being saddled, but had stroked and
kissed him on the nose. I conceived at once that his apparent size was an
illusion caused by the suddenness and keenness of the light, and that my
uncle had come home before I had well reached the moor, and had ridden
out after me. With a wild cry of delight, I turned at once to leave the
road and join him. But the thunder that moment burst with a terrific
bellow, and swallowed my cry. The same instant, however, came through it
from the other side the voice of my uncle only a few yards away.
“Stay, little one,” he shouted; “stay where you are. I will be with you
in a moment.”
I obeyed, as ever and always without a thought I obeyed the slightest
word of my uncle: Zoe and I stood as if never yet parted from chaos and
the dark, for Zoe too loved his voice. The wind rose suddenly from a lull
to a great roar, emptying a huge cloudful of rain upon us, so that I
heard no sound of my uncle's approach; but presently out of the dark an
arm was around me, and my head was lying on my uncle's bosom. Then the
dark and the rain seemed the natural elements for love and confidence.
“But, uncle,” I murmured, full of wonder which had had no time to take
shape, “how is it?”
He answered in a whisper that seemed to dread the ear of the wind, lest
it should hear him--
“You saw, did you?”
“I saw you upon Death away there in the middle of the lightning. I was
going to you. I don't know what to think.”
My uncle and I often called the horse by his English name.
“Neither do I,” he returned, with a strange half voice, as if he were
choking. “It must have been--I don't know what. There is a deep bog away
just there. It must be a lake by now!”
“Yes, uncle; I might have remembered! But how was I to think of that when
I saw you there--on dear old Death too! He's the last of horses to get
into a bog: he knows his own weight too well!”
“But why did you come out on such a night? What possessed you, little
one--in such a storm? I begin to be afraid what next you may do.”
“I never do anything--now--that I think you would mind me doing,” I
answered. “But if you will write out a little book of _mays_ and
_maynots_, I will learn it by heart.”
“No, no,” he returned; “we are not going back to the tables of the law!
You have a better law written in your heart, my child; I will trust to
that.--But tell me why you came out on such a night--and as dark as
pitch.”
“Just because it was such a night, uncle, and you were out in it,” I
answered. “Ain't I your own little girl? I hope you ain't sorry I came,
uncle! I am glad; and I shouldn't like ever to be glad at what made you
sorry.”
“What are you glad of?”
“That I came--because I've found you. I came to look for you.”
“Why did you come to-night more than any other night?”
“Because I wanted so much to see you. I thought I might be of use to
you.”
“You are always of use to me; but why did you think of it just to-night?”
“I don't know.--I am older than I was last night,” I replied.
He seemed to understand me, and asked me no more questions.
All the time, we had been standing still in the storm. He took Zoe's head
and turned it toward home. The dear creature set out with slow leisurely
step, heedless apparently of storm and stable. She knew who was by her
side, and he must set the pace!
As we went my uncle seemed lost in thought--and no wonder! for how could
the sight we had seen be accounted for! Or what might it indicate?
Many were the strange tales I had read, and my conviction was that the
vision belonged to the inexplicable. It grew upon me that I had seen my
uncle's double. That he should see his own double would not in itself
have much surprised me--or, indeed, that I should see it; but I had never
read of another person seeing a double at the same time with the person
doubled. During the next few days I sought hard for some possible
explanation of what had occurred, but could find nothing parallel to it
within the scope of my knowledge. I tried _fata morgana, mirage,
parhelion_, and whatever I had learned of recognized illusion, but in
vain sought satisfaction, or anything pointing in the direction of
satisfaction. I was compelled to leave the thing alone. My uncle kept
silence about it, but seemed to brood more than usual. I think he too was
convinced that it must have another explanation than present science
would afford him. Once I ventured to ask if he had come to any
conclusion; with a sad smile, he answered,
“I am waiting, little one. There is much we have to wait for. Where would
be the good of having your mind made up wrong? It only stands in the way
of getting it made up right!”
By degrees the thing went into the distance, and I ceased even
speculating upon it. But one little fact I may mention ere I leave
it--that, just as I was reaching a state of quiet mental prorogation, I
suddenly remembered that, the moment after the flash, my Zoe, startled as
she was, gave out a low whinny; I remembered the quiver of it under me:
she too must have seen her master's double!