and therefore would give him as much time to talk in, as would be
allowed to the whole body of persons he represents, were they actually
in the company which they divert by proxy. Provided however, that the
said pantomime do not, upon any pretence whatsoever, utter anything in
his own particular opinion, language, or character.
I would likewise in the second place grant an exemption from the
elbow-chair to any person who treats the company, and by that means
may be supposed to pay for his audience. A guest cannot take it ill if
he be not allowed to talk in his turn by a person who puts his mouth
to a better employment, and stops it with good beef and mutton. In
this case the guest is very agreeably silenced, and seems to hold his
tongue under that kind of bribery which the ancients called _bos in
lingua_.[274]
If I can once extirpate the race of solid and substantial humdrums,
I hope, by my wholesome and repeated advices, quickly to reduce the
insignificant tittle-tattles and matter-of-fact men that abound in
every quarter of this great city.
Epictetus, in his little system of morality, prescribes the following
rule with that beautiful simplicity which shines through all his
precepts: "Beware that thou never tell thy dreams in company; for
notwithstanding thou mayest take a pleasure in telling thy dreams, the
company will take no pleasure in hearing them."
This rule is conformable to a maxim which I have laid down in a late
paper,[275] and must always inculcate into those of my readers who find
in themselves an inclination to be very talkative and impertinent, that
they should not speak to please themselves, but those that hear them.
It has been often observed by witty essay writers, that the deepest
waters are always the most silent; that empty vessels make the greatest
sound, and tinkling cymbals the worst music. The Marquis of Halifax, in
his admirable "Advice to a Daughter,"[276] tells her, that good sense
has always something sullen in it: but as sullenness does not only
imply silence, but an ill-natured silence, I wish his lordship had
given a softer name to it. Since I am engaged unawares in quotations,
I must not omit the satire which Horace has written against this
impertinent talkative companion, and which, I think, is fuller of
humour than any other satire he has written. This great author, who
had the nicest taste of conversation, and was himself a most agreeable
companion, had so strong an antipathy to a great talker, that he was
afraid some time or other it would be mortal to him, as he has very
humorously described it in his conversation with an impertinent fellow
who had liked to have been the death of him:
_Interpellandi locus hic erat: "Est tibi mater;
Cognati, quis te salvo est opus?" "Haud mihi quisquam.
Omnes composui." "Felices, nunc ego resto.
Confice, namque instat fatum mihi triste, Sabella
Quod puero cecinit divinâ mota anus urnâ:
'Hunc neque dira venena, nec hosticus auseret ensis,
Nec laterum dolor, aut tussis, nec tarda podagra.
Garrulus hunc quando consumet cunque: loquaces,
Si sapiat, vitet, simul atque adoleverit ætas._'"[277]
Thus translated by Mr. Oldham:
Here I got room to interrupt: "Have you
A mother, sir, or kindred living now?"
"Not one, they all are dead." "Troth, so I guessed;
The happier they," said I, "who are at rest.
Poor I am only left unmurdered yet:
Haste, I beseech you, and despatch me quite,
For I am well convinced my time is come;
When I was young, a gipsy told my doom.
'This lad,' said she, and looked upon my hand,
'Shall not by sword or poison come to's end,
Nor by the fever, dropsy, gout, or stone;
But he shall die by an eternal tongue:
Therefore, when he's grown up, if he be wise,
Let him avoid great talkers, I advise.'"
FOOTNOTES:
[271] Edward Lloyd's Coffee-house in Tower Street is first heard of in
1688; in 1692 Lloyd moved to Lombard Street, at the corner of Abchurch
Lane. Periodical sales were held at his house, which was the resort of
merchants and shipowners. The Society of Lloyd's was established in
1770.
[272] The waiter (See No. 1).
[273] See No. 264.
[274] An image of a bull or cow was often stamped on a coin, which was
thence called "bos."
[275] No. 264.
[276] Several passages from the "Advice to a Daughter," by George
Savile, Marquis of Halifax, were used in Steele's "Ladies' Library"
(1714).
[277] Horace, I Sat. ix. 26.
=No. 269.= [STEELE.
From _Tuesday, Dec. 26_, to _Thursday, Dec. 28, 1710_.
----Hæ nugæ seria ducent
In mala.----
HOR., Ars Poet. 451.
_From my own Apartment, Dec. 27._
I find my correspondents are universally offended at me for taking
notice so seldom of their letters, and fear people have taken the
advantage of my silence to go on in their errors; for which reason I
shall hereafter be more careful to answer all lawful questions and just
complaints as soon as they come to my hands. The two following epistles
relate to very great mischiefs in the most important articles of life,
love, and friendship:
* * * * *
_Dorsetshire, Dec. 20._
"Mr. BICKERSTAFF,
"'Tis my misfortune to be enamoured of a lady that is neither very
beautiful, very witty, nor at all well-natured; but has the vanity to
think she excels in all these qualifications, and therefore is cruel,
insolent, and scornful. When I study to please her, she treats me
with the utmost rudeness and ill manners: if I approach her person,
she fights, she scratches me: if I offer a civil salute, she bites
me; insomuch, that very lately, before a whole assembly of ladies and
gentlemen, she ripped out a considerable part of my left cheek. This
is no sooner done, but she begs my pardon in the most handsome and
becoming terms imaginable, gives herself worse language than I could
find in my heart to do, lets me embrace her to pacify her while she is
railing at herself, protests she deserves the esteem of no one living,
says I am too good to contradict her when she thus accuses herself.
This atones for all, tempts me to renew my addresses, which are ever
returned in the same obliging manner. Thus, without some speedy relief,
I am in danger of losing my whole face. Notwithstanding all this, I
dote upon her, and am satisfied she loves me, because she takes me for
a man of sense, which I have been generally thought, except in this one
instance. Your reflections upon this strange amour would be very useful
in these parts, where we are overrun with wild beauties and romps. I
earnestly beg your assistance, either to deliver me from the power of
this unaccountable enchantment, or, by some proper animadversions,
civilise the behaviour of this agreeable rustic. I am,
"Sir,
"Your most humble Servant,
"EBENEZER."[278]
* * * * *
"Mr. BICKERSTAFF,
"I now take leave to address you in your character of censor, and
complain to you, that among the various errors in conversation which
you have corrected, there is one which, though it has not escaped a
general reproof, yet seems to deserve a more particular severity.
'Tis a humour of jesting on disagreeable subjects, and insisting on
the jest the more it creates uneasiness; and this some men think they
have a title to do as friends. Is the design of jesting to provoke? Or
does friendship give a privilege to say things with a design to shock?
How can that be called a jest which has nothing in it but bitterness?
'Tis generally allowed necessary, for the peace of company, that men
should a little study the tempers of each other; but certainly that
must be in order to shun what's offensive, not to make it a constant
entertainment. The frequent repetition of what appears harsh, will
unavoidably leave a rancour that's fatal to friendship; and I doubt
much, whether it would be an argument of a man's good humour, if he
should be roused, by perpetual teasing, to treat those that do it as
his enemies. In a word, whereas 'tis a common practice to let a story
die, merely because it does not touch, I think such as mention one
they find does, are as troublesome to society, and as unfit for it, as
wags, men of fire, good talkers, or any other apes in conversation;
and therefore, for the public benefit, I hope you'll cause them to be
branded with such a name as they deserve. I am,
"Sir, yours,
"PATIENT FRIENDLY."
The case of Ebenezer is a very common one, and is always cured by
neglect. These fantastical returns of affection proceed from a certain
vanity in the other sex, supported by a perverted taste in ours. I
must publish it as a rule, that no faults which proceed from the will,
either in a mistress or a friend, are to be tolerated. But we should be
so complaisant to ladies, to let them displease when they aim at doing
it. Pluck up a spirit, Ebenezer, recover the use of your judgment, and
her faults will appear, or her beauties vanish. "Her faults begin to
please me as well as my own," is a sentence very prettily put into the
mouth of a lover by the comic poet,[279] but he never designed it for a
maxim of life, but the picture of an imperfection. If Ebenezer takes my
advice, the same temper which made her insolent to his love, will make
her submissive to his indifference.
I cannot wholly ascribe the faults mentioned in the second letter to
the same vanity or pride in companions who secretly triumph over their
friends, in being sharp upon them in things where they are most tender.
But when this sort of behaviour does not proceed from that source,
it does from barrenness of invention, and an inability to support a
conversation in a way less offensive. It is the same poverty which
makes men speak or write smuttily, that forces them to talk vexingly.
As obscene language is an address to the lewd for applause, so are
sharp allusions an appeal to the ill-natured. But mean and illiterate
is that conversation where one man exercises his wit to make another
exercise his patience.
ADVERTISEMENT.
Whereas Plagius has been told again and again, both in public and
private, that he preaches excellently well, and still goes on to preach
as well as ever, and all this to a polite and learned audience; this
is to desire, that he would not hereafter be so eloquent, except to
a country congregation, the proprietors of Tillotson's works having
consulted the learned in the law, whether preaching a sermon they have
purchased, is not to be construed publishing their copy.
* * * * *
Mr. Dogood is desired to consider, that his story is severe upon a
weakness, and not a folly.
FOOTNOTES:
[278] There is a letter by Robin Harper on the same subject in Lillie's
"Letters sent to the _Tatler_ and _Spectator_," i. 326.
[279] Congreve, "The Way of the World," act i. sc. 3.
=No. 270.= [STEELE.
From _Thursday, Dec. 28_, to _Saturday, Dec. 30, 1710_.
Cum pulchris tunicis sumet nova consilia et spes.
HOR., 1 Ep. xviii. 33.
_From my own Apartment, Dec. 29._
According to my late resolution, I take the holidays to be no improper
season to entertain the town with the addresses of my correspondents.
In my walks every day there appear all round me very great offenders
in the point of dress. An armed tailor had the impudence yesterday in
the park to smile in my face, and pull off a laced hat to me, as it
were in contempt of my authority and censure. However, it is a very
great satisfaction, that other people as well as myself are offended
with these improprieties. The following notices from persons of
different sexes and qualities are a sufficient instance how useful my
Lucubrations are to the public.
* * * * *
"_Jack's Coffee-house, near
Guildhall, Dec. 27._
"COUSIN BICKERSTAFF,
"It has been the peculiar blessing of our family to be always above
the smiles or frowns of fortune, and by a certain greatness of mind
to restrain all irregular fondnesses or passions. From hence it is,
that though a long decay, and a numerous descent, have obliged many of
our house to fall into the arts of trade and business, no one person
of us has ever made an appearance that betrayed our being unsatisfied
with our own station of life, or has ever affected a mien or gesture
unsuitable to it.
"You have up and down in your writings very justly remarked, that it
is not this or the other profession or quality among men that gives
us honour and esteem, but the well or ill behaving ourselves in those
characters. It is therefore with no small concern, that I behold in
coffee houses and public places my brethren, the tradesmen of this
city, put off the smooth, even, and ancient decorum of thriving
citizens, for a fantastical dress and figure, improper for their
persons and characters, to the utter destruction of that order and
distinction which of right ought to be between St. James's and Milk
Street, the Camp and Cheapside.
"I have given myself some time to find out, how distinguishing the
frays in a lot of muslins, or drawing up a regiment of thread laces, or
making a panegyric on pieces of sagathy[280] or Scotch plaid, should
entitle a man to a laced hat or sword, a wig tied up with ribbons,
or an embroidered coat. The College[281] say, this enormity proceeds
from a sort of delirium in the brain, which makes it break out first
about the head, and, for want of timely remedies, fall upon the left
thigh, and from thence in little mazes and windings run over the whole
body, as appears by pretty ornaments on the buttons, button-holes,
garterings, sides of the breeches, and the like. I beg the favour of
you to give us a discourse wholly upon the subject of habits, which
will contribute to the better government of conversation amongst us and
in particular oblige,
"Sir,
"Your affectionate Cousin,
"FELIX TRANQUILLUS."
"To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esq., Censor of Great Britain.
"_The humble Petition of Ralph Nab, haberdasher of hats and
many other poor sufferers of the same trade:_
"Showeth--That for some years last past the use of gold and
silver galloon[282] upon hats has been almost universal, being
undistinguishably worn by soldiers, squires, lords, footmen, beaus,
sportsmen, traders, clerks, prigs, smarts, cullies, pretty fellows, and
sharpers.
"That the said use and custom has been two ways very prejudicial to
your petitioners: first, in that it has induced men, to the great
damage of your petitioners, to wear their hats upon their heads, by
which means the said hats last much longer whole than they would do
if worn under their arms. Secondly, in that very often a new dressing
and a new lace supply the place of a new hat, which grievance we are
chiefly sensible of in the spring-time, when the company is leaving the
town; it so happening commonly, that a hat shall frequent all winter
the finest and best assemblies without any ornaments at all, and in May
shall be tricked up with gold or silver to keep company with rustics,
and ride in the rain.
"All which premises your petitioners humbly pray you to take into your
consideration, and either to appoint a day in your Court of Honour,
when all pretenders to the galloon may enter their claims, and have
them approved or rejected, or to give us such other relief as to your
great wisdom shall seem meet.
"And your petitioners, &c."
Order my friend near Temple Bar, the author of the "Hunting-Cock," to
assist the court when this petition is read, of which Mr. Lillie to
give him notice.
"To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esq., Censor of Great Britain.
"_The humble Petition of Elizabeth Slender, spinster:_
"Showeth--That on the 20th of this instant December, her friend Rebecca
Hive and your petitioner walking in the Strand, saw a gentleman before
us in a gown, whose periwig was so long and so much powdered, that your
petitioner took notice of it, and said, she wondered that lawyer would
so spoil a new gown with powder. To which it was answered, that he was
no lawyer but a clergyman. Upon a wager of a pot of coffee we overtook
him, and your petitioner was soon convinced she had lost.
"Your petitioner therefore desires your worship to cite the clergyman
before you, and to settle and adjust the length of canonical periwigs,
and the quantity of powder to be made use of in them, and to give such
other directions as you shall think fit.[283]
"And your petitioner, &c."
Q. Whether this gentleman be not chaplain to a regiment, and in such
case allow powder accordingly?
After all that can be thought on these subjects, I must confess, that
the men who dress with a certain ambition to appear more than they are,
are much more excusable than those who betray, in the adorning their
persons, a secret vanity and inclination to shine in things, wherein if
they did succeed, it would rather lessen than advance their character.
For this reason, I am more provoked at the allegations relating to
the clergyman, than any other hinted at in these complaints. I have
indeed a long time with much concern observed abundance of pretty
fellows in sacred orders, and shall in due time let them know, that I
pretend to give ecclesiastical as well as civil censures. A man well
bred and well dressed in that habit, adds to the sacredness of his
function an agreeableness not to be met with among the laity. I own
I have spent some evenings among the men of wit of that profession
with an inexpressible delight. Their habitual care of their character
gives such a chastisement to their fancy, that all which they utter in
company is as much above what you meet with in other conversations,
as the charms of a modest are superior to those of a light woman. I
therefore earnestly desire our young missionaries from the Universities
to consider where they are, and not dress, and look, and move like
young officers. It is no disadvantage to have a very handsome white
hand; but were I to preach repentance to a gallery of ladies, I would,
methinks, keep my gloves on. I have an unfeigned affection to the class
of mankind appointed to serve at the altar, therefore am in danger
of running out of my way, and growing too serious on this occasion;
for which reason I shall end with the following epistle, which, by my
interest in Tom Trot the penny-post, I procured a copy of.
"To the Rev. Mr. RALPH INCENSE, Chaplain to the Countess-Dowager of
Brumpton.
"SIR,
"I heard and saw you preach last Sunday. I am an ignorant young woman,
and understood not half you said: but ah! your manner, when you held up
both your hands toward our pew! Did you design to win me to heaven, or
yourself?
"Your humble Servant,
"PENITENCE GENTLE."
ADVERTISEMENTS.
Mr. Proctorstaff, of Clare Hall, in Cambridge, is received as a
kinsman, according to his request bearing date the 20th instant.
The distressed son of Æsculapius is desired to be more particular.
FOOTNOTES:
[280] A serge material.
[281] College of Physicians.
[282] Close lace made of gold, of silver, or silk.
[283] Anthony Wood says that Nathaniel Vincent, D.D.,
chaplain-in-ordinary to Charles II, preached before him at Newmarket
in a long periwig, &c., according to the then fashion for gentlemen;
and that his Majesty was so offended at it, that he commanded the Duke
of Monmouth, Chancellor to the University of Cambridge, to see the
statutes concerning decency of apparel put in execution; which was
done accordingly. Thiers, in his treatise of perukes, says that no
ecclesiastic wore a peruke before the Restoration.
=No. 271.= [STEELE.[284]
From _Saturday, Dec. 30, 1710_, to _Tuesday, Jan. 2, 1710-1_.
The printer having informed me, that there are as many of these papers
printed as will make four volumes, I am now come to the end of my
ambition in this matter, and have nothing further to say to the world,
under the character of Isaac Bickerstaff. This work has indeed for
some time been disagreeable to me, and the purpose of it wholly lost
by my being so long understood as the author. I never designed in it
to give any man any secret wound by my concealment, but spoke in the
character of an old man, a philosopher, a humourist, an astrologer,
and a censor, to allure my reader with the variety of my subjects, and
insinuate, if I could, the weight of reason with the agreeableness of
wit. The general purpose of the whole has been to recommend truth,
innocence, honour, and virtue, as the chief ornaments of life; but I
considered, that severity of manners was absolutely necessary to him
who would censure others, and for that reason, and that only, chose
to talk in a mask. I shall not carry my humility so far as to call
myself a vicious man; but at the same time must confess, my life is at
best but pardonable. And with no greater character than this, a man
would make but an indifferent progress in attacking prevailing and
fashionable vices, which Mr. Bickerstaff has done with a freedom of
spirit that would have lost both its beauty and efficacy, had it been
pretended to by Mr. Steele.
As to the work itself, the acceptance it has met with is the best proof
of its value; but I should err against that candour which an honest
man should always carry about him, if I did not own, that the most
approved pieces in it were written by others, and those which have been
most excepted against by myself. The hand[285] that has assisted me in
those noble discourses upon the immortality of the soul, the glorious
prospects of another life, and the most sublime ideas of religion and
virtue, is a person who is too fondly my friend ever to own them; but I
should little deserve to be his, if I usurped the glory of them. I must
acknowledge at the same time, that I think the finest strokes of wit
and humour in all Mr. Bickerstaff's Lucubrations are those for which he
is also beholden to him.
As for the satirical parts of these writings, those against the
gentlemen who profess gaming[286] are the most licentious; but the main
of them I take to come from losing gamesters, as invectives against the
fortunate; for in very many of them, I was very little else but the
transcriber. If any have been more particularly marked at, such persons
may impute it to their own behaviour (before they were touched upon) in
publicly speaking their resentment against the author, and professing
they would support any man who should insult him. When I mention this
subject, I hope Major-General Davenport,[287] Brigadier Bisset,[288]
and my Lord Forbes,[289] will accept of my thanks for their frequent
good offices,[290] in professing their readiness to partake any danger
that should befall me in so just an undertaking, as the endeavour
to banish fraud and cozenage from the presence and conversation of
gentlemen.
But what I find is the least excusable part of all this work is, that
I have, in some places in it, touched upon matters which concern both
the Church and State. All I shall say for this is, that the points
I alluded to are such as concerned every Christian and freeholder
in England; and I could not be cold enough to conceal my opinion on
subjects which related to either of those characters. But politics
apart, I must confess, it has been a most exquisite pleasure to me to
frame characters of domestic life, and put those parts of it which
are least observed into an agreeable view; to inquire into the seeds
of vanity and affectation, to lay before my readers the emptiness of
ambition: in a word, to trace human life through all its mazes and
recesses, and show much shorter methods than men ordinarily practise,
to be happy, agreeable, and great.
But to inquire into men's faults and weaknesses has something in it
so unwelcome, that I have often seen people in pain to act before me,
whose modesty only make them think themselves liable to censure. This,
and a thousand other nameless things, have made it an irksome task
to me to personate Mr. Bickerstaff any longer; and I believe it does
not often happen, that the reader is delighted where the author is
displeased.
All I can now do for the further gratification of the town, is to give
them a faithful index and explication of passages and allusions, and
sometimes of persons intended in the several scattered parts of the
work. At the same time, the succeeding volumes shall discover which of
the whole have been written by me, and which by others, and by whom, as
far as I am able, or permitted.[291]
Thus I have voluntarily done what I think all authors should do when
called upon. I have published my name to my writings, and given myself
up to the mercy of the town (as Shakespeare expresses it) with all my
imperfections on my head.[292] The indulgent readers'