dromedaries, and other strange creatures, but I never saw so great an
assembly of spectators as were met together at the opening of this
great piece of waxwork. We were all placed in a large hall, according
to the price that we had paid for our seats. The curtain that hung
before the show was made by a master of tapestry, who had woven it
in the figure of a monstrous hydra that had several heads, which
brandished out their tongues, and seemed to hiss at each other. Some
of these heads were large and entire; and where any of them had been
lopped away, there sprouted up several in the room of them; insomuch
that for one head cut off, a man might see ten, twenty, or a hundred
of a smaller size, creeping through the wound. In short, the whole
picture was nothing but confusion and bloodshed. On a sudden," says my
friend, "I was startled with a flourish of many musical instruments
that I had never heard before, which was followed by a short tune
(if it might be so called), wholly made up of jars and discords.
Among the rest, there was an organ, a bagpipe, a groaning-board,[215]
a stentorophonic-trumpet, with several wind instruments of a most
disagreeable sound, which I do not so much as know the name of. After
a short flourish, the curtain was drawn up, and we were presented with
the most extraordinary assembly of figures that ever entered into a
man's imagination. The design of the workman was so well expressed in
the dumb show before us, that it was not hard for an Englishman to
comprehend the meaning of it.
"The principal figures were placed in a row, consisting of seven
persons. The middle figure, which immediately attracted the eyes of
the whole company, and was much bigger than the rest, was formed like
a matron, dressed in the habit of an elderly woman of quality in Queen
Elizabeth's days. The most remarkable parts of her dress was the beaver
with the steeple crown, the scarf that was darker than sable, and the
lawn apron that was whiter than ermine. Her gown was of the richest
black velvet, and just upon her heart studded with large diamonds of
an inestimable value, disposed in the form of a cross. She bore an
inexpressible cheerfulness and dignity in her aspect; and though she
seemed in years, appeared with so much spirit and vivacity, as gave
her at the same time an air of old age and immortality. I found my
heart touched with so much love and reverence at the sight of her, that
the tears ran down my face as I looked upon her; and still the more
I looked upon her, the more my heart was melted with the sentiments
of filial tenderness and duty. I discovered every moment something
so charming in this figure, that I could scarce take my eyes off it.
On its right hand there sat the figure of a woman so covered with
ornaments, that her face, her body, and her hands were almost entirely
hid under them. The little you could see of her face was painted; and
what I thought very odd, had something in it like artificial wrinkles;
but I was the less surprised at it when I saw upon her forehead an
old-fashioned tower of grey hairs. Her head-dress rose very high by
three several storeys or degrees; her garments had a thousand colours
in them, and were embroidered with crosses in gold, silver and silk:
she had nothing on, so much as a glove or a slipper, which was not
marked with this figure; nay, so superstitiously fond did she appear
of it, that she sat cross-legged. I was quickly sick of this tawdry
composition of ribands, silks, and jewels, and therefore cast my eye
on a dame which was just the reverse of it. I need not tell my reader,
that the lady before described was Popery, or that she I am now going
to describe is Presbytery. She sat on the left hand of the venerable
matron, and so much resembled her in the features of her countenance,
that she seemed her sister; but at the same time that one observed a
likeness in her beauty, one could not but take notice, that there was
something in it sickly and splenetic. Her face had enough to discover
the relation, but it was drawn up into a peevish figure, soured with
discontent, and overcast with melancholy. She seemed offended at the
matron for the shape of her hat, as too much resembling the triple
coronet of the person who sat by her. One might see likewise, that she
dissented from the white apron and the cross; for which reasons she had
made herself a plain, homely dowdy, and turned her face towards the
sectaries that sat on her left hand, as being afraid of looking upon
the matron, lest she should see the harlot by her.
"On the right hand of Popery sat Judaism, represented by an old man
embroidered with phylacteries, and distinguished by many typical
figures, which I had not skill enough to unriddle. He was placed among
the rubbish of a temple; but instead of weeping over it (which I
should have expected from him), he was counting out a bag of money upon
the ruins of it.
"On his right hand was Deism, or natural religion. This was a figure
of a half-naked, awkward country wench, who with proper ornaments and
education would have made an agreeable and beautiful appearance; but
for want of those advantages, was such a spectacle as a man would blush
to look upon.
"I have now," continued my friend, "given you an account of those who
were placed on the right hand of the matron, and who, according to the
order in which they sat, were Deism, Judaism, and Popery. On the left
hand, as I told you, appeared Presbytery. The next to her was a figure
which somewhat puzzled me: it was that of a man looking, with horror in
his eyes, upon a silver basin filled with water. Observing something
in his countenance that looked like lunacy, I fancied at first that
he was to express that kind of distraction which the physicians call
the hydrophobia; but considering what the intention of the show was, I
immediately recollected myself, and concluded it to be Anabaptism.
"The next figure was a man that sat under a most profound composure of
mind: he wore a hat whose brims were exactly parallel with the horizon:
his garment had neither sleeve nor skirt, nor so much as a superfluous
button. What they called his cravat, was a little piece of white linen
quilled with great exactness, and hanging below his chin about two
inches. Seeing a book in his hand, I asked our artist what it was, who
told me it was the Quaker's religion; upon which I desired a sight of
it. Upon perusal, I found it to be nothing but a new-fashioned grammar,
or an art of abridging ordinary discourse. The nouns were reduced to a
very small number, as the 'light,' 'friend,' 'Babylon.' The principal
of his pronouns was 'thou'; and as for 'you,' 'ye,' and 'yours,' I
found they were not looked upon as parts of speech in this grammar. All
the verbs wanted the second person plural; the participles ended all in
'ing' or 'ed,' which were marked with a particular accent. There were
no adverbs besides 'yea' and 'nay.' The same thrift was observed in
the prepositions. The conjunctions were only 'hem!' and 'ha!' and the
interjections brought under the three heads of 'sighing,' 'sobbing,'
and 'groaning.'
"There was at the end of the grammar a little nomenclature, called 'The
Christian Man's Vocabulary,' which gave new appellations, or (if you
will) Christian names, to almost everything in life. I replaced the
book in the hand of the figure, not without admiring the simplicity of
its garb, speech, and behaviour.
"Just opposite to this row of religions, there was a statue dressed in
a fool's coat, with a cap of bells upon his head, laughing and pointing
at the figures that stood before him. This idiot is supposed to say in
his heart what David's fool did some thousands of years ago, and was
therefore designed as a proper representative of those among us who are
called atheists and infidels by others, and free-thinkers by themselves.
"There were many other groups of figures which I did not know the
meaning of; but seeing a collection of both sexes turning their backs
upon the company, and laying their heads very close together, I
inquired after their religion, and found that they called themselves
the Philadelphians, or the Family of Love.
"In the opposite corner there sat another little congregation of
strange figures, opening their mouths as wide as they could gape, and
distinguished by the title of the Sweet Singers of Israel.
"I must not omit, that in this assembly of wax there were several
pieces that moved by clockwork, and gave great satisfaction to the
spectators. Behind the matron there stood one of these figures, and
behind Popery another, which, as the artist told us, were each of them
the genius of the person they attended. That behind Popery represented
Persecution, and the other Moderation. The first of these moved by
secret springs towards a great heap of dead bodies that lay piled
upon one another at a considerable distance behind the principal
figures. There were written on the foreheads of these dead men
several hard words, as 'Pre-Adamites, 'Sabbatarians,' 'Cameronians,'
'Muggletonians,' 'Brownists,' 'Independents,' 'Masonites,' 'Camisards,'
and the like. At the approach of Persecution, it was so contrived, that
as she held up her bloody flag, the whole assembly of dead men, like
those in the 'Rehearsal,'[216] started up and drew their swords. This
was followed by great clashings and noise, when, in the midst of the
tumult, the figure of Moderation moved gently towards this new army,
which upon her holding up a paper in her hand, inscribed, 'Liberty of
Conscience,' immediately fell into a heap of carcasses, remaining in
the same quiet posture that they lay at first."
FOOTNOTES:
[215] "At the sign of the Woolsack in Newgate Market, is to be seen
a strange and wonderful thing, which is, an elm-board; being touched
with a hot iron, it doth express itself as if it were a man dying with
groans and trembling, to the great admiration of all hearers. It hath
been presented before the King and his nobles, and hath given great
satisfaction" (Advertisement of 1682, in Sloane MSS., 958).
[216] In act ii. sc. 5, Bayes says, "Now here's an odd surprise: all
these dead men you shall see rise up presently, at a certain note that
I have made, in effaut flat, and fall a-dancing. Do you hear, dead
men?"
=No. 258.= [STEELE.
From _Thursday, Nov. 30_, to _Saturday, Dec. 2, 1710_.
Occidit miseros crambe repetita----
JUV., Sat. vii. 154.
_From my own Apartment, Dec. 1._
When a man keeps a constant table, he may be allowed sometimes to serve
up a cold dish of meat, or toss up the fragments of a feast into a
ragout. I have sometimes, in a scarcity of provisions, been obliged
to take the same kind of liberty, and to entertain my reader with the
leavings of a former treat. I must this day have recourse to the same
method, and beg my guests to sit down to a kind of Saturday's dinner.
To let the metaphor rest, I intend to fill up this paper with a bundle
of letters relating to subjects on which I have formerly treated, and
have ordered my bookseller to print at the end of each letter the
minutes with which I endorsed it, after the first perusal of it.
"To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esq.[217]
* * * * *
_Nov, 22, 1710._
"SIR,
Dining yesterday with Mr. South British and Mr. William North Briton,
two gentlemen who, before you ordered it otherwise,[218] were known by
the names of Mr. English and Mr. William Scott. Among other things,
the maid of the house (who in her time I believe may have been a North
British warming-pan) brought us up a dish of North British collops. We
liked our entertainment very well, only we observed the table-cloth,
being not so fine as we could have wished, was North British cloth: but
the worst of it was, we were disturbed all dinner-time by the noise
of the children, who were playing in the paved court at North British
hoppers; so we paid our North Briton sooner than we designed, and took
coach to North Britain Yard, about which place most of us live. We had
indeed gone afoot, only we were under some apprehensions lest a North
British mist should wet a South British man to the skin.
"We think this matter properly expressed, according to the accuracy
of the new style settled by you in one of your late papers. You will
please to give your opinion upon it to,
"Sir,
"Your most humble Servants,
"J. S.
"M. P.
"N. R."
See if this letter be conformable to the directions given in the
_Tatler_ above mentioned.
* * * * *
"To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esq.
_Kent, Nov. 22, 1710_.
"SIR,
"A gentleman in my neighbourhood, who happens to be brother to a lord,
though neither his father nor grandfather were so, is perpetually
making use of this phrase, 'a person of my quality.' He has it in his
mouth fifty times a day, to his labourers, his servants, his children,
his tenants, and his neighbours. Wet or dry, at home or abroad, drunk
or sober, angry or pleased, it is the constant burden of his style.
Sir, as you are Censor of Great Britain, as you value the repose of
a loyal county, and the reputation of my neighbour, I beg you will
take this cruel grievance into your consideration, else, for my own
particular, I am resolved to give up my farm, sell my stock, and remove
with my wife and seven children next spring to Falmouth or Berwick, if
my strength will permit me, being brought into a very weak condition. I
am (with great respect),
"Sir,
"Your most obedient and
"Languishing Servant, &c."
Let this be referred to the Court of Honour.
* * * * *
"Mr. BICKERSTAFF,
"I am a young lady of a good fortune, and at present invested by
several lovers who lay close siege to me, and carry on their attacks
with all possible diligence. I know which of them has the first place
in my own heart, but would freely cross my private inclinations to
make choice of the man who loves me best, which it is impossible for
me to know, all of them pretending to an equal passion for me. Let me
therefore beg of you, dear Mr. Bickerstaff, to lend me your Ithuriel's
spear,[219] in order to touch this troop of rivals; after which I will
most faithfully return it to you again, with the greatest gratitude. I
am,
Sir, &c."
Query 1. What figure this lady doth think her lover will appear in? Or
what symptoms he will betray of his passion upon being touched?
2. Whether a touch of her fan may not have the same efficacy as a touch
of Ithuriel's spear?
* * * * *
"_Great Lincoln's Inn
Square, Nov 29._
"HONOURED SIR,
"Gratitude obliges me to make this public acknowledgment of the
eminent service you have done myself in particular, and the whole
body of chaplains, I hope, in general.[220] Coming home on Sunday
about dinner-time, I found things strangely altered for the better;
the porter smiled in my face when he let me in, the footman bowed
to me as I passed him, the steward shook me by the hand, and Mrs.
Beatrice dropped me a curtsey as she went along. I was surprised at
all this civility, and knew not to what I might ascribe it, except to
my bright beaver and shining scarf that were new that day. But I was
still more astonished to find such an agreeable change at the table:
my lord helped me to a fat slice of venison with his own hand, and my
lady did me the honour to drink to me. I offered to rise at my usual
time, but was desired to sit still, with this kind expression, 'Come,
doctor, a jelly or a conserve will do you no harm; don't be afraid of
the dessert.' I was so confounded with the favour, that I returned my
thanks in a most awkward manner, wondering what was the meaning of this
total transformation: but my lord soon put an end to my admiration,
by showing me a paper that challenged you, sir, for its author, and
rallied me very agreeably on the subject, asking me, which was best
handled, the lord or his chaplain? I owned myself to think the banter
sharpest against ourselves, and that these were trifling matters, not
fit for a philosopher to insist on. His lordship was in so good a
humour, that he ordered me to return his thanks with my own, and my
lady joins in the same, with this one exception to your paper, that the
chaplain in her family was always allowed mince-pies from All-Hallows
to Candlemas. I am,
"Sir,
"Your most obliged,
"Humble Servant,
"T.W."
Requires no answer.
* * * * *
_Oxford, November 27_.
"Mr. CENSOR,
"I have read your account of Nova Zembla[221] with great pleasure,
and have ordered it to be transcribed in a little hand, and inserted
in Mr. Tonson's late edition of "Hudibras." I could wish you would
furnish us with more notes upon that author, to fill up the place of
those dull annotations with which several editions of that book have
been encumbered. I would particularly desire of you to give the world
the story of Talicotius,[222] who makes a very eminent figure in the
first canto, not having been able to meet with any account of the said
Talicotius in the writings of any other author. I am (with the most
profound respect),
"The most humble of your Admirers,
"Q. Z."
To be answered next Thursday, if nothing more material intervenes.
* * * * *
"Mr. CENSOR,
"In your survey of the people, you must have observed crowds of single
persons that are qualified to increase the subjects of this glorious
island, and yet neglect that duty to their country. In order to reclaim
such persons, I lay before you this proposal.
"Your most obedient Servant,
"TH. CL."[223]
This to be considered on Saturday next.
FOOTNOTES:
[217] "Steele, the rogue, has done the impudentest thing in the world:
he said something in a _Tatler_, that we ought to use the word 'Great
Britain,' and not 'England,' in common conversation; as, 'the finest
lady in Great Britain,' &c. Upon this Rowe, Prior, and I sent him a
letter, turning this into ridicule. He has to-day printed the letter,
and signed it J. S., M. P., and N. R., the first letters of all our
names. Congreve told me to-day, he smoked it immediately" (Swift's
"Journal," December 2, 1710).
[218] See No. 241.
[219] See No. 237.
[220] See No. 255.
[221] See No. 254.
[222] See No. 260.
[223] Thomas Clement (see No. 261).
=No. 259.= [ADDISON and STEELE.
From _Saturday, Dec. 2_, to _Tuesday, Dec. 5, 1710_.
----Vexat censura columbas.--JUV., Sat. ii. 63.
A Continuation of the Journal of the Court of Honour, held in
Sheer Lane, on Monday, the 27th of November, before ISAAC
BICKERSTAFF, Esq., Censor of Great Britain.[224]
Elizabeth Makebate,[225] of the parish of St. Catherine's, spinster,
was indicted for surreptitiously taking away the hassock from under
the Lady Grave-Airs, between the hours of four and five, on Sunday the
26th of November. The prosecutor deposed, that as she stood up to make
a curtsey to a person of quality in a neighbouring pew, the criminal
conveyed away the hassock by stealth, insomuch that the prosecutor
was obliged to sit all the while she was at church, or to say her
prayers in a posture that did not become a woman of her quality. The
prisoner pleaded inadvertency; and the jury were going to bring it in
chance-medley, had not several witnesses been produced against the said
Elizabeth Makebate, that she was an old offender, and a woman of a bad
reputation. It appeared in particular, that on the Sunday before she
had detracted from a new petticoat of Mrs. Mary Doelittle, having said
in the hearing of several credible witnesses, that the said petticoat
was scoured,[226] to the great grief and detriment of the said Mary
Doelittle. There were likewise many evidences produced against the
criminal, that though she never failed to come to church on Sunday,
she was a most notorious Sabbath-breaker, and that she spent her whole
time, during divine service, in disparaging other people's clothes, and
whispering to those who sat next her. Upon the whole, she was found
guilty of the indictment, and received sentence to ask pardon of the
prosecutor upon her bare knees, without either cushion or hassock under
her, in the face of the court.
_N.B._--As soon as the sentence was executed on the criminal, which
was done in open court with the utmost severity, the first lady of the
bench on Mr. Bickerstaff's right hand stood up, and made a motion to
the court, that whereas it was impossible for women of fashion to dress
themselves before the church was half done, and whereas many confusions
and inconveniences did arise thereupon, it might be lawful for them to
send a footman, in order to keep their places, as was usual in other
polite and well-regulated assemblies.[227] The motion was ordered to
be entered in the books, and considered at a more convenient time.
Charles Cambric, linen-draper, in the city of Westminster, was indicted
for speaking obscenely to the Lady Penelope Touchwood. It appeared,
that the prosecutor and her woman going in a stage-coach from London
to Brentford, where they were to be met by the lady's own chariot, the
criminal and another of his acquaintance travelled with them in the
same coach, at which time the prisoner talked bawdy for the space of
three miles and a half. The prosecutor alleged that over against the
Old Fox at Knightsbridge he mentioned the word "linen"; that at the
farther end of Kensington he made use of the term "smock"; and that
before he came to Hammersmith, he talked almost a quarter of an hour
upon wedding-shifts. The prosecutor's woman confirmed what her lady
had said, and added further, that she had never seen her lady in so
great a confusion, and in such a taking, as she was during the whole
discourse of the criminal. The prisoner had little to say for himself,
but that he talked only in his own trade, and meant no hurt by what he
said. The jury, however, found him guilty, and represented by their
forewoman, that such discourses were apt to sully the imagination, and
that by a concatenation of ideas, the word "linen" implied many things
that were not proper to be stirred up in the mind of a woman who was
of the prosecutor's quality, and therefore gave it as their verdict,
that the linen-draper should lose his tongue. Mr. Bickerstaff said, he
thought the prosecutor's ears were as much to blame as the prisoner's
tongue, and therefore gave sentence as follows: that they should both
be placed over against one another in the middle of the court, there
to remain for the space of one quarter of an hour, during which time
the linen-draper was to be gagged, and the lady to hold her hands close
upon both her ears, which was executed accordingly.
Edward Callicot was indicted as an accomplice to Charles Cambric,
for that he, the said Edward Callicot, did, by his silence and his
smiles, seem to approve and abet the said Charles Cambric in everything
he said. It appeared, that the prisoner was foreman of the shop to
the aforesaid Charles Cambric, and by his post obliged to smile at
everything that the other should be pleased to say: upon which he was
acquitted.
Josias Shallow was indicted in the name of Dame Winifred, sole relict
of Richard Dainty, Esq., for having said several times in company,
and in the hearing of several persons there present, that he was
extremely obliged to the widow Dainty, and that he should never be
able sufficiently to express his gratitude. The prosecutor urged that
this might blast her reputation, and that it was in effect a boasting
of favours which he had never received. The prisoner seemed to be much
astonished at the construction which was put upon his words, and said
that he meant nothing by them, but that the widow had befriended him
in a lease, and was very kind to his younger sister. The jury finding
him a little weak in his understanding, without going out of the court,
brought in their verdict Ignoramus.
Ursula Goodenough was accused by the Lady Betty Wouldbe, for having
said that she, the Lady Betty Wouldbe, was painted. The prisoner
brought several persons of good credit to witness to her reputation,
and proved by undeniable evidences, that she was never at the place
where the words were said to have been uttered. The Censor observing
the behaviour of the prosecutor, found reason to believe that she had
indicted the prisoner for no other reason but to make her complexion
be taken notice of, which indeed was very fresh and beautiful: he
therefore asked the offender with a very stern voice, how she could
presume to spread so groundless a report? and whether she saw any
colours in the Lady Wouldbe's face that could procure credit to such a
falsehood? "Do you see," says he, "any lilies or roses in her cheeks,
any bloom, any probability----" The prosecutor, not able to bear such
language any longer, told him, that he talked like a blind old fool,
and that she was ashamed to have entertained any opinion of his wisdom:
but she was soon put to silence, and sentenced to wear her mask for
five months, and not to presume to show her face till the town should
be empty.
Benjamin Buzzard, Esq., was indicted for having told the Lady Everbloom
at a public ball, that she looked very well for a woman of her years.
The prisoner not denying the fact, and persisting before the court that
he looked upon it as a compliment, the jury brought him in _non compos
mentis_.
* * * * *
The court then adjourned to Monday the 11th instant.
"_Copia vera._--CHARLES LILLIE."
FOOTNOTES:
[224] See Nos. 253, 256.
[225] A makebate is breeder of quarrels. Swift says, "Outrageous party
writers are like a couple of makebates who inflame small quarrels by a
thousand stories."
[226] In Defoe's "Apparition of Mrs. Veal," her deceased friend told
Mrs. Bargrave that the dress she was wearing had been scoured.
[227] It was a common practice to send servants to the theatre to keep
seats for their employers.