(_With compliments to those it may concern_)
The _entrepreneur_ had conducted, the visitor here, there, and
everywhere. He had shown the stage, the auditorium, and the tea
and cake-room. Every feature of the reformed scheme had been duly
explained.
"No singing allowed in the entertainment?" queried the visitor.
"None at all," was the reply; "we consider that music is a mistake.
Of course same songs are good, but as others are bad it is better
to prohibit them altogether, and thus escape the risk of a mistaken
choice."
"And no dancing?"
"Of course not. That would be entirely contrary to our principles. If
people require exercise they can walk or run."
"But how about the poetry of motion? How about the grace of movement?"
"We desire to have nothing to do with either," returned the
_entrepreneur_. "You see our object is to have an entirely new
entertainment, and consequently we reject all items, that have figured
in other programmes."
"Well, well," murmured the visitor; "you may be right. But I should
like to see the result. I will wait until the performance is given,
and judge for myself."
"I am sorry I cannot assist you to carry out this scheme," declared
the Manager of the Progressive Music Hall, "because we are not going
to have an entertainment."
"No, of course not. Of course it won't be an entertainment in the
usual sense of the word. It can't naturally be an entertainment--I
should have said a performance."
"But we give neither entertainment nor performance."
"Why not?"
Then came the answer, which was more convincing than
surprising--"Because, my dear Sir, we can't get an audience!"
* * * * *
THE NEW HOTEL ON THE EMBANKMENT.-- Our Dear _Daily News_, in a recent
note, says that the "Hôtel Magnifique" (as it ought to be called,
reminding us as the D. _D. N._ justly observes of the _Hôtel
Splendide_ in Paris) has been already styled by its proprietors _The
Cecil_. "The Cecil!"--"There is only one in it," observes bluntly a
certain well-known comedian, quoting the song "_There's only one
in it, that's me!_" And pleased is ARTHUR CECIL with the gratuitous
advertisement. But _The Cecil!_ Good name for club, not for
hotel. _The Sarum_ sounds too ecclesiastical; so we return to _The
Magnificent_, which can be familiar in our mouths as "_The Mag._"
"_Omne ignotum pro magnifico._"
* * * * *
"Odd notice!" observed a short-sighted man, who had been cursorily
inspecting a card stuck up in a Restaurant's. "What is?" inquired his
friend. "Why this," was the short-sighted one's reply, pointing to the
notice; "'_No charge for changing plates._' Who ever heard of----"
But here his friend broke in, "Why, you noodle, you've been reading a
photographer's advertisement!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: A SIMPLE DEFINITION.
MASTER JOHNNY BULL. "MONROE DOCTRINE! WHAT _IS_ THE 'MONROE
DOCTRINE'?"
MASTER JONATHAN. "WA-AL--GUESS IT'S THAT EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE
BE-LONGS TO _US!_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A NICE DISTINCTION.
_Porter._ "TRAIN'S AWA, MAN. YE SHOULD HAE RAN FASTER."
_Passenger._ "RAN FASTER! DOD, 'A RAN FAST ENEUGH, BUT 'A SHOULD HA'E
STARTIT SOONER."]
* * * * *