[An international revolver match by cable is arranged to take
place shortly between English and American teams.]
"Good morning," said a representative of _Mr. Punch_ to the Chief
Umpire of a well-known Telegraphic Agency; "I have come to ask if
you would kindly favour me with some details of your new Sporting
Department."
"Certainly," he replied. "It has a great future before it. We intend
to revolutionise sport in all its branches."
"For instance?"
"Well, as it's in season, take Football. In fact, I've just finished
umpiring in an Association match between England and America, which,
in my unofficial capacity, I'm happy to say we've won--for a change."
"Where was it played?"
"Why, at this desk, of course. You see, _we_ cable over to the
Associated Press full particulars of the imaginary kick-off, and they
look it out in the Code--which doesn't generally take more than ten
minutes--and wire back their return kick (also imaginary), with name,
age, weight, and address of the kicker. This is generally repeated
as a security against the risk of error. The charge for repetition is
one-half the charge for transmission, any fraction of one penny less
than a halfpenny being reckoned as one halfpenny, according to the
admirable wording of the Post Office rules."
"And then?"
[Illustration]
"We wrangle for the rest of the time. This is quite in keeping with
the modern spirit of football, the game now having developed into a
kind of Hibernian debating society."
"But how was it you won to-day?"
"Oh, we had the last word before 'Time' was called, which enabled our
Sporting Editors to prove conclusively that the first kick scored a
goal, and was not 'offside.' Our American colleagues, however, have
appealed to the Central International Committee of Football Referees,
so that the wires will be kept warm for the next half-year on the
subject in the most sportsman-like manner."
"Capital! And have you any other telegraphic developments?"
"Oh yes! There's our Ladies Inter-Varsity Stay-at-Home Hockey
Contest--that's played over there in the corner every afternoon by
sixpenny telegram. The Dramatic and Novelist Editors attend to that,
in order to acquaint themselves with the workings of the feminine
mind. The Golf Department is in charge of the Scottish Editors. They
have an anxious time of it, as most of the language used is not fit
for transmission, and bunker them badly.... That's the River Editor,
hard at work in that arm-chair, rowing against Yale by cable. And
there you see our Racing Authority, busily engaged over a Horseless
Derby with the French Staff.... My Second-in-Command is now arranging
the Corbett-Fitzsimmons fight, which will take place at last by
telegraph on opposite sides of the Atlantic.... We do a bit of Comic
Volunteer Man[oe]uvres as well, but I'm sorry to say that our Shouting
Editor, whose idea of humour is somewhat noisy, has just broken the
telephone with one of his ejaculations.... But I must ask you to
excuse me now, as I have a billiard tournament, a yacht race, and a
cricket match with all Australia to manage simultaneously, and the
spectators--I mean newspaper readers--are getting impatient."
* * * * *
REWARD OF MERIT.--SIR FRANK LOCKWOOD, Q.C., M.P., having been
_M.P._owered to appear for the _M-P_-ire before the L. C. C.
licensers, and having successfully scored all his Imperial Pints, is
to be decorated with an Order [not admitted after eight], and allowed
to practice at any of the Bars of the Empire. The restriction of "No
Fees" is not in accordance with Imperial practice.
* * * * *
[Illustration: COMPENSATION.
_The Future Bridegroom._ "WELL--IN ANOTHER WEEK I SURRENDER MY
LIBERTY!"
_The Future Bride._ "AND I GAIN _MINE!_"
[_They dissemble their joy._
]
* * * * *