--A TALE OF A "TENNER."
London is not _only_ gloomy and ghostish, at least Cabby's London
is not, by a dollop,
But chock-full of fun. Wot _is_ fun you may ask. Well, I'd like to
refer you to "CARROTTY CHOLLOP"!
Spot arf-a-dozen of street-boys or gutter-snipes doin' a skylark
or slum double-shuffle,
And you'll find _one_ of 'em a native born _comique_ who'll make
you crack sides with a kick or a snuffle.
Same with a cab-rank! There's mostly one cove with a mug like a
clown's, needing no chalk or scarlet;
"CARROTTY CHOLLOP" 's a natural grin-maker; don't seem to _try_,
the mischeevious young varlet.
Trying's no good, for you can't _learn_ the comic; it comes, like
a knowledge of 'osses, spontanyus.
And if without props, with the flags for a stage, you can make
people _laugh_--well, that's wot _I_ call janyus.
ROBERTS and PENLEY theirselves can't do _more_. Tell you "CARROTTY
CHOLLOP" can "gag," and no error.
To bumptious 'bus drivers and 'igh-'anded bobbies and fussy old
toffs 'e's a fair 'oly terror.
Never says nothink offensive--not CHOLLOP!--'e's far too
hartistic, 'is voice soft as gruel;
But still 'e can make puffy Crushers go purple with just one
tongue-snack as goes 'ome and stings cruel.
Can't score off CHOLLOP. "'E leaves nothink on," says our champion
cue-'andler, "JOHNNY THE JIGGER."
'E can make fun out of anythink, CHOLLOP can, jam-full of jokes,
if 'e just pulls the trigger,
Bang goes 'is charge, sweeping like a machine-gun; old "CARROTTY"
ramming 'is 'ands in 'is pockets,
And cocking 'is queer ginger-scrub of a chin, while the wheezes
fly round 'im like crackers and rockets.
Fussy young coppers fight shy of 'im mostly, for 'e knows the
ropes, and 'e can't be caught napping.
No "two-and-six-and-two" (fine and costs) knock _'im_ at Marlboro'
Street, 'long o' loitering _or_ lapping.
Sharp as a weasel, and slippy as jelly, 'e's got such a manner of
landing 'is wheezes
As makes the most wooden-chumped constable snigger behind 'is own
cuff; _then_ it's go as 'e pleases!
_Actor?_ 'E's good as a pantermine, CHOLLOP is. 'E can play simple
and soft as a babby;
Make you emagine 'e's some gawping chawbacon 'stead of a hartful
and up-to-date Cabby.
Struck a bright once. At the risk of 'is life stopped a runaway
carriage. Old gent, name o' JENNER,
Told 'im to call at 'is 'ouse the next day; and, when CHOLLOP
turned up, old gent _tipped 'im a tenner!_
_'E_ set some store on 'is life, that old codger did. Many a
swell, whose sole motter seems "collar,"
After a sharp risky service like that, would 'a' thought a mere
Cabby well paid with a dollar.
Many a charge against Cabbies is cackled, and many a bit o' sharp
practice recorded,
But 'onesty don't come as sweet as it should when you know wot
some mean by the words "well rewarded."
Wealth 'as rum notions of _wages_--sometimes. I once 'ad a case as
tots up in this manner:--
To saving a bosky old toff from two footpads, and drivin' 'im 'ome
(two miles) two-and-a-tanner!
Watch they were grabbing was worth fifty quid, and _he_--I
persoom--was worth _somethink_, to someone,
Though I wouldn't buy such at tuppence a stun. In the matter o'
meanness this world _is_ a rum one.
CHOLLOP was luckier. "JACK," 'e says, rubbing 'is rhububy chin,
like a old nutmeg-grater;
"JACK, I was fair discumfuddled _that_ journey. 'Ardly knew wich
was my bloomin' equator,
And wich my North Pole. Left my 'at on the 'arthrug, and tried to
shake 'ands with the mortar-haired flunkey!
Scott! if you'd seen 'im dror back with a shudder! 'Twould fetch a
fair grin from a blessed brass monkey.
"A tenner! The fust my ten fingers 'ad 'andled. As crisp and as
clean as my Sunday-best dickey.
Wanted to change it right off; 'fraid o' losing, _or_ lighting my
pipe with it. Paper's so tricky;
Popped in a shop for a ounce o' best shag and a sixpenny briar.
But when the old codger
Clapped heyes on the flimsy in _my_ bunch o' fives, wy 'e set me
down, strite, for a fair Hartful Dodger.
"'Where did you get _this?_' 'e croaked, down 'is throat, like a
pompous old Beak bullyragging a Cabby;
'Lawks, 'ere's a lark on!' I sez to myself. 'Hay? _Git_ it?' I
drawls, making heyes like a babby.
'_Found_ it, perhaps?' sneers the Josser. 'Ah! p'r'aps so,' sez I,
'or maybe, dontcherknow, it was _guv_ me.'
Lor, 'ow 'e bossed at me over 'is barnacles. Tenners, 'e thought,
looked a long cut above me.
"'If you carn't give more straightforrard account of 'ow this
ten-pun note came into _your_ possession,
Wy, I shall detain it, and send for a constable,' snorts 'e,
a-thinkin' 'e'd made a himpression.
'Well,' sez I, 'umble, 'a gentleman guv it me, if you _must_
know.' Then 'e wagged 'is old pow-wow
And sez, 'I must 'ave that gent's name and address, and see _into_
the thing, as I think sounds all bow-wow.'
"'Well, shall I take you to see 'im,' I asks, mild and mealy and
timersome-like. Sniffin' orty
'E pops on a topper, and _jumps in my cab_. Then I _druv_
'im,--no, _not_ to a 'undred and forty
In Topsawyer Square, but to Scotland Yard, strite! Then I alters
my part, playing up hinjured virtue.
'_Now charge me!_' I sez. 'E went squelch like this hegg. 'Look
ere, Cabby,' 'e starts, 'I've no wish for to 'urt you----'
"Larf? 'Ow the bobbies and me did a chortle to see 'im cave in and
squirm round and skedaddle.
'Hi! Stop, Sir!' I shouts. 'For a fourteen-stun lump of fat
helderly fuss, you _are_ prompt on the paddle.
But--fare, if you please,--from your shop to the Yard!
Eighteen-pence, Sir, to _you_, though it _should_ be two
shillin'.'
That fare knocked 'im silly, at fust. But 'e parted; and I never
took a fare's money more willin'."
CHOLLOP should go on the boards, so I tell 'im. I've 'eard 'im
change patter with regular pros.
Hegged on by their lydies to take the shine out of 'im. When
they've squared up, 'tis but little _'e_ owes.
Ah! the world's tenners are sprinkled unreglar; but talent does
not always follow the money,
And many a _comique_ at ten quid a week, though much fatter than
CHOLLOP, is not arf as funny.
* * * * *
NOTE FROM THE OPERA.--Dash my LUDWIG, but this artist is mighty good
as the _Flying Dutchman_ at Covent Garden. Likewise Madame DUMA, as
_Senta_, enthusiastically applauded and showered with bouquets. And
that DUDLEY BUCK, too! Delightful name for a lady-killing lover is the
Deadly BUCK, who appropriately played the forester _Erik_ in love
with _Senta_. Capital performance and first-rate house. Conductor, Mr.
FELD. Recognised his style of conducting at once. Merely saw his back,
and exclaimed, "That's FELD to the ground!"
* * * * *
CONCERNING THAT LITTLE PARTY.--A correspondent objects to the
suggestion made in these columns last week that Dr. GRACE should give
a dance in honour of his recent cheque from the _Daily Telegraph_
without consultation with the representative of domestic Home Rule.
"It is possible," writes the scribe, "that were such an appeal made
to such an umpire, the verdict might be 'no ball,' and cause some
confusion." Were such a thing to happen, the champion cricketer might
be "put out"--a contingency so highly improbable, that it does not
merit a moment's consideration.
* * * * *
SHAKSPEARIAN QUOTATION FOR MIDLAND RAILWAY.--"My word, we'll not carry
coals!" (_Aside._) But we must, and not on our own terms. (See _Romeo
and Juliet_, Act I., Sc. 1)
* * * * *
Shortly to be published, in illustrated form, by the Punch Press,
"_Historic Peeps's Diary_."
* * * * *