All this was like the last crystal of salt thrown into a saturated
solution; quickly, needle-like crystals began to appear, to grow
more substantial and solid. It was clear to me; the decision was
made and tomorrow morning _I shall do it_! It amounts to suicide
but perhaps then I shall be re-born. For only what is killed can be
re-born.
Every second the sky twitched in convulsion there in the west. My
head was burning and pulsating inside; I was up all night and I fell
asleep only at about seven o'clock in the morning when the darkness
of the night was already dispelled and becoming gray and when the
roofs crowded with birds became visible....
I woke up; ten o'clock. Evidently the bell did not ring today. On
the table--left from yesterday--there stood the glass of water.
I gulped the water down with avidity and I ran; I had to do it
quickly, as quickly as possible.
The sky was deserted, blue, all eaten up by the storm. Sharp corners
of shadows.... Everything seemed to be cut out of blue autumnal
air--thin, dangerous to touch; it seemed so brittle, ready to
disperse into glass dust. Within me something similar; I ought not
to think; it was dangerous to think, for....
And I did not think, perhaps I did not even see properly; I
only registered impressions. There on the pavement, thrown from
somewhere, branches were strewn; their leaves were green, amber and
cherry-red. Above, crossing each other, birds and aeros were tossing
about. Here below heads, open mouths, hands waving branches.... All
this must have been shouting, buzzing, chirping....
Then--streets empty as if swept by a plague. I remember I stumbled
over something disgustingly soft, yielding yet motionless. I bent
down--a corpse. It was lying flat, the legs apart. The face.... I
recognized the thick negro lips which even now seemed to sprinkle
with laughter. His eyes, firmly screwed in, laughed into my face.
One second.... I stepped over him and ran. I could no longer.... I
had to have everything done as soon as possible, or else I felt I
would break, I would break in two like an overloaded sail....
Luckily it was not more than twenty steps away; I already saw the
sign with the golden letters: "The Bureau of Guardians." At the
door I stopped for a moment to gulp down as much air as I could and
stepped in.
Inside, in the corridor stood an endless chain of numbers, holding
small sheets of paper and heavy note-books. They moved slowly,
advancing a step or two and stopping again. I began to be tossed
about along the chain, my head was breaking to pieces; I pulled
them by the sleeves, I implored them as a sick man implores to be
given something that would even at the price of sharpest pain end
everything, forever.
A woman with a belt tightly clasped around her waist over the unif
and with two distinctly protruding squatty hemispheres tossing about
as if she had eyes on them, chuckled at me:
"He has a belly-ache! Show him to the room second door to the
right!"
Everybody laughed, and because of that laughter something rose in my
throat; I felt I should either scream or ... or....
Suddenly from behind some one touched my elbow. I turned around.
Transparent wing-ears! But they were not pink as usual; they were
purplish red; his Adam's apple was tossing about as though ready to
tear the covering....