from the first hole at the Missing Links, "you never seem to weary of
the game of golf. What is its precise charm in your eyes,--the
health-giving qualities of the game or its capacity for bad lies?"
"I owe my life to it," replied the Baron. "That is to say to my
precision as a player I owe one of the many preservations of my
existence which have passed into history. Furthermore it is ever
varying in its interest. Like life itself it is full of hazards and no
man knows at the beginning of his stroke what will be the requirements
of the next. I never told you of the bovine lie I got once while
playing a match with Bonaparte, did I?"
"I do not recall it," said Ananias, foozling his second stroke into
the stone wall.
"I was playing with my friend Bonaparte, for the Cosmopolitan
Championship," said Munchausen, "and we were all even at the
thirty-sixth hole. Bonaparte had sliced his ball into a stubble field
from the tee, whereat he was inclined to swear, until by an odd
mischance I drove mine into the throat of a bull that was pasturing on
the fair green two hundred and ninety-eight yards distant. 'Shall we
take it over?' I asked. 'No,' laughed Bonaparte, thinking he had me.
'We must play the game. I shall play my lie. You must play yours.'
'Very well,' said I. 'So be it. Golf is golf, bull or no bull.' And
off we went. It took Bonaparte seven strokes to get on the green
again, which left me a like number to extricate my ball from the
throat of the unwelcome bovine. It was a difficult business, but I
made short work of it. Tying my red silk handkerchief to the end of my
brassey I stepped in front of the great creature and addressing an
imaginary ball before him made the usual swing back and through
stroke. The bull, angered by the fluttering red handkerchief, reared
up and made a dash at me. I ran in the direction of the hole, the bull
in pursuit for two hundred yards. Here I hid behind a tree while Mr.
Bull stopped short and snorted again. Still there was no sign of the
ball, and after my pursuer had quieted a little I emerged from my
hiding place and with the same club and in the same manner played
three. The bull surprised at my temerity threw his head back with an
angry toss and tried to bellow forth his wrath, as I had designed he
should, but the obstruction in his throat prevented him. The ball had
stuck in his pharynx. Nothing came of his spasm but a short hacking
cough and a wheeze--then silence. 'I'll play four,' I cried to
Bonaparte, who stood watching me from a place of safety on the other
side of the stone wall. Again I swung my red-flagged brassey in front
of the angry creature's face and what I had hoped for followed. The
second attempt at a bellow again resulted in a hacking cough and a
sneeze, and lo the ball flew out of his throat and landed dead to the
hole. The caddies drove the bull away. Bonaparte played eight, missed
a putt for a nine, stymied himself in a ten, holed out in twelve and I
went down in five."
"Jerusalem!" cried Ananias. "What did Bonaparte say?"
[Illustration: "Again I swung my red-flagged brassey in front of the angry
creature's face, and what I had hoped for followed." _Chapter XV._]
"He delivered a short, quick nervous address in Corsican and retired
to the club-house where he spent the afternoon drowning his sorrows in
Absinthe high-balls. 'Great hole that, Bonaparte,' said I when his
geniality was about to return. 'Yes,' said he. 'A regular lu-lu, eh?'
said I. 'More than that, Baron,' said he. 'It was a Waterlooloo.' It
was the first pun I ever heard the Emperor make."
"We all have our weak moments," said Ananias drily, playing nine from
behind the wall. "I give the hole up," he added angrily.
"Let's play it out anyhow," said Munchausen, playing three to the
green.
"All right," Ananias agreed, taking a ten and rimming the cup.
Munchausen took three to go down, scoring six in all.
"Two up," said he, as Ananias putted out in eleven.
"How the deuce do you make that out? This is only the first hole,"
cried Ananias with some show of heat.
"You gave up a hole, didn't you?" demanded Munchausen.
"Yes."
"And I won a hole, didn't I?"
"You did--but--"
"Well that's two holes. Fore!" cried Munchausen.
The two walked along in silence for a few minutes, and the Baron
resumed.
"Yes, golf is a splendid game and I love it, though I don't think I'd
ever let a good canvasback duck get cold while I was talking about it.
When I have a canvasback duck before me I don't think of anything else
while it's there. But unquestionably I'm fond of golf, and I have a
very good reason to be. It has done a great deal for me, and as I have
already told you, once it really saved my life."
"Saved your life, eh?" said Ananias.
"That's what I said," returned Mr. Munchausen, "and so of course that
is the way it was."
"I should admire to hear the details," said Ananias. "I presume you
were going into a decline and it restored your strength and vitality."
"No," said Mr. Munchausen, "it wasn't that way at all. It saved my
life when I was attacked by a fierce and ravenously hungry lion. If I
hadn't known how to play golf it would have been farewell forever to
Mr. Munchausen, and Mr. Lion would have had a fine luncheon that day,
at which I should have been the turkey and cranberry sauce and mince
pie all rolled into one."
Ananias laughed.
"It's easy enough to laugh at my peril now," said Mr. Munchausen, "but
if you'd been with me you wouldn't have laughed very much. On the
contrary, Ananias, you'd have ruined what little voice you ever had
screeching."
"I wasn't laughing at the danger you were in," said Ananias. "I don't
see anything funny in that. What I was laughing at was the idea of a
lion turning up on a golf course. They don't have lions on any of the
golf courses that I am familiar with."
"That may be, my dear Ananias," said Mr. Munchausen, "but it doesn't
prove anything. What you are familiar with has no especial bearing
upon the ordering of the Universe. They had lions by the hundreds on
the particular links I refer to. I laid the links out myself and I
fancy I know what I am talking about. They were in the desert of
Sahara. And I tell you what it is," he added, slapping his knee
enthusiastically, "they were the finest links I ever played on. There
wasn't a hole shorter than three miles and a quarter, which gives you
plenty of elbow room, and the fair green had all the qualities of a
first class billiard table, so that your ball got a magnificent roll
on it."
"What did you do for hazards?" asked Ananias.
"Oh we had 'em by the dozen," replied Mr. Munchausen. "There weren't
any ponds or stone walls, of course, but there were plenty of others
that were quite as interesting. There was the Sphynx for instance; and
for bunkers the pyramids can't be beaten. Then occasionally right in
the middle of a game a caravan ten or twelve miles long, would begin
to drag its interminable length across the middle of the course, and
it takes mighty nice work with the lofting iron to lift a ball over a
caravan without hitting a camel or killing an Arab, I can tell you.
Then finally I'm sure I don't know of any more hazardous hazard for a
golf player--or for anybody else for that matter--than a real hungry
African lion out in search of breakfast, especially when you meet him
on the hole furthest from home and have a stretch of three or four
miles between him and assistance with no revolver or other weapon at
hand. That's hazard enough for me and it took the best work I could do
with my brassey to get around it."
"You always were strong at a brassey lie," said Ananias.
"Thank you," said Mr. Munchausen. "There are few lies I can't get
around. But on this morning I was playing for the Mid-African
Championship. I'd been getting along splendidly. My record for fifteen
holes was about seven hundred and eighty-three strokes, and I was
flattering myself that I was about to turn in the best card that had
ever been seen in a medal play contest in all Africa. My drive from
the sixteenth tee was a simple beauty. I thought the ball would never
stop, I hit it such a tremendous whack. It had a flight of three
hundred and eighty-two yards and a roll of one hundred and twenty
more, and when it finally stopped it turned up in a mighty good lie on
a natural tee, which the wind had swirled up. Calling to the monkey
who acted as my caddy--we used monkeys for caddies always in Africa,
and they were a great success because they don't talk and they use
their tails as a sort of extra hand,--I got out my brassey for the
second stroke, took my stance on the hardened sand, swung my club
back, fixed my eye on the ball and was just about to carry through,
when I heard a sound which sent my heart into my boots, my caddy
galloping back to the club house, and set my teeth chattering like a
pair of castanets. It was unmistakable, that sound. When a hungry lion
roars you know precisely what it is the moment you hear it, especially
if you have heard it before. It doesn't sound a bit like the miauing
of a cat; nor is it suggestive of the rumble of artillery in an
adjacent street. There is no mistaking it for distant thunder, as some
writers would have you believe. It has none of the gently mournful
quality that characterises the soughing of the wind through the
leafless branches of the autumnal forest, to which a poet might liken
it; it is just a plain lion-roaring and nothing else, and when you
hear it you know it. The man who mistakes it for distant thunder might
just as well be struck by lightning there and then for all the chance
he has to get away from it ultimately. The poet who confounds it with
the gentle soughing breeze never lives to tell about it. He gets
himself eaten up for his foolishness. It doesn't require a Daniel come
to judgment to recognise a lion's roar on sight.
"I should have perished myself that morning if I had not known on the
instant just what were the causes of the disturbance. My nerve did not
desert me, however, frightened as I was. I stopped my play and looked
out over the sand in the direction whence the roaring came, and there
he stood a perfect picture of majesty, and a giant among lions, eyeing
me critically as much as to say, 'Well this is luck, here's breakfast
fit for a king!' but he reckoned without his host. I was in no mood to
be served up to stop his ravening appetite and I made up my mind at
once to stay and fight. I'm a good runner, Ananias, but I cannot beat
a lion in a three mile sprint on a sandy soil, so fight it was. The
question was how. My caddy gone, the only weapons I had with me were
my brassey and that one little gutta percha ball, but thanks to my
golf they were sufficient.
"Carefully calculating the distance at which the huge beast stood, I
addressed the ball with unusual care, aiming slightly to the left to
overcome my tendency to slice, and drove the ball straight through the
lion's heart as he poised himself on his hind legs ready to spring
upon me. It was a superb stroke and not an instant too soon, for just
as the ball struck him he sprang forward, and even as it was landed
but two feet away from where I stood, but, I am happy to say, dead.
"It was indeed a narrow escape, and it tried my nerves to the full,
but I extracted the ball and resumed my play in a short while, adding
the lucky stroke to my score meanwhile. But I lost the match,--not
because I lost my nerve, for this I did not do, but because I lifted
from the lion's heart. The committee disqualified me because I did not
play from my lie and the cup went to my competitor. However, I was
satisfied to have escaped with my life. I'd rather be a live runner-up
than a dead champion any day."
"A wonderful experience," said Ananias. "Perfectly wonderful. I never
heard of a stroke to equal that."
"You are too modest, Ananias," said Mr. Munchausen drily. "Too modest
by half. You and Sapphira hold the record for that, you know."
"I have forgotten the episode," said Ananias.
"Didn't you and she make your last hole on a single stroke?" demanded
Munchausen with an inward chuckle.
"Oh--yes," said Ananias grimly, as he recalled the incident. "But you
know we didn't win any more than you did."
"Oh, didn't you?" asked Munchausen.
"No," replied Ananias. "You forget that Sapphira and I were two down
at the finish."
And Mr. Munchausen played the rest of the game in silence. Ananias had
at last got the best of him.
* * * * *
Transcriber's note:
Spellings were left as found.
Illustrations were moved when they interrupted paragraphs.