He had, by those words, spoken at the right time, so completely cured
me, that I had no particular inclination to see him and his patients
again. The correspondence with Frederica became more animated. She
invited me to a festival, to which also some friends from the other
side of the Rhine would come. I was to make arrangements for a longer
time. This I did, by packing a stout portmanteau upon the diligence,
and in a few hours I was in her presence. I found a large merry party,
took the father aside, and handed him the plan, at which he testified
great delight. I talked over with him what I had thought while
completing it. He was quite beside himself with joy, and especially
praised the neatness of the drawing. This I had practised from my
youth upwards, and had on this occasion taken especial pains, with the
finest paper. But this pleasure was very soon marred for our good host,
when, against my counsel, and in the joy of his heart, he laid the
sketch before the company. Far from uttering the desired sympathy, some
thought nothing at all of this precious work; others, who thought they
knew something of the matter, made it still worse, blaming the sketch
as not artistical, and, when the old man looked off for a moment,
handled the clean sheets as if they were only so many rough draughts,
while one, with the hard strokes of a lead-pencil, marked his plans of
improvement on the fine paper, in such a manner, that a restoration of
the primitive purity was not to be thought of.
I was scarcely able to console the extremely irritated man, whose
pleasures had been so outrageously destroyed, much as I assured him
that I myself looked upon them only as sketches, which we would talk
over, and on which we would construct new drawings. In spite of all
this he went off in a very ill-humour, and Frederica thanked me for
my attention to her father, as well as for my patience during the
unmannerly conduct of the other guests.
[Side-note: Festival at the Parsonage.]
But I could feel no pain nor ill-humour in her presence. The party
consisted of young and tolerably noisy friends, whom, nevertheless,
an old gentleman tried to outdo, proposing even odder stuff than they
practised. Already, at breakfast, the wine had not been spared. At a
very well-furnished dinner-table there was no want of any enjoyment,
and the feast was relished the more by everybody, after the violent
bodily exercise during the somewhat warm weather, and if the official
gentleman went a little too far in the good things, the young people
were not left much behind him.
I was happy beyond all bounds at the side of Frederica;--talkative,
merry, ingenious, forward, and yet kept in moderation by feeling,
esteem, and attachment. She, in a similar position, was open, cheerful,
sympathizing, and communicative. We all appeared to live for the
company, and yet lived only for each other.
After the meal they sought the shade, social games were begun, and the
turn came to forfeits. On redeeming the forfeits, everything of every
kind was carried to excess; the gestures which were commanded, the acts
which were to be done, the problems which were to be solved, all showed
a mad joy which knew no limits. I myself heightened these wild jokes
by many a comical prank, and Frederica shone by many a droll thought;
she appeared to me more charming than ever, all hypochondriacal
superstitious fancies had vanished, and when the opportunity offered of
heartily kissing one whom I loved so tenderly, I did not miss it, still
less did I deny myself a repetition of this pleasure.
The hope of the party for music was at last satisfied; it was heard,
and all hastened to the dance. _Allemandes_, waltzing and turning, were
beginning, middle and end. All had given up to this national dance;
even I did honour enough to my private dancing-mistress, and Frederica,
who danced as she walked, sprang, and ran, was delighted to find in
me a very expert partner. We generally kept together, but were soon
obliged to leave off, and she was advised on all sides not to go on any
further in this wild manner. We consoled ourselves by a solitary walk,
hand in hand, and when we had reached that quiet spot, by the warmest
embrace and the most faithful assurance that we loved each other
heartily.
Older persons, who had risen with us from the game, took us with them.
At supper people did not return to their sober senses. Dancing went on
far into the night, and there was as little want of healths and other
incitements to drinking as at noon.
I had scarcely for a few hours slept very profoundly, when I was
awakened by a heat and tumult in my blood. It is at such times and in
such situations that care and repentance usually attack man, who is
stretched out defenceless. My imagination at once presented to me the
liveliest forms; I saw Lucinda, how, after the most ardent kiss, she
passionately receded from me, and, with glowing cheek and sparkling
eyes, uttered that curse, by which she intended to menace her sister
only, but by which she also unconsciously menaced innocent persons,
who were unknown to her. I saw Frederica standing opposite to her,
paralysed at the sight, pale, and feeling the consequences of the
curse, of which she knew nothing. I found myself between them, as
little able to ward off the spiritual effects of the adventure, as to
avoid the evil-boding kiss. The delicate health of Frederica seemed
to hasten the threatened calamity, and now her love to mo wore a most
unhappy aspect, and I wished myself at the other side of the world.
But something still more painful to me, which lay in the background,
I will not conceal. A certain conceit kept that superstition alive
in me;--my lips, whether consecrated or cursed, appeared to me more
important than usual, and with no little complacency was I aware of my
self-denying conduct, in renouncing many an innocent pleasure, partly
to preserve my magical advantage, partly to avoid injuring a harmless
being by giving it up.
But now all was lost and irrevocable: I had returned into a mere common
position, and I thought that I had harmed, irretrievably injured, the
dearest of beings. Thus, far from my being freed from the curse, it was
flung back from my lips into my own heart.
All this together raged in my blood, already excited by love and
passion, "wine and dancing, confused my thoughts and tortured my
feelings, so that, especially as contrasted with the joys of the day
before, I felt myself in a state of despair which seemed unbounded.
Fortunately daylight peered in upon me through a chink in the shutter,
and the sun stepping forth and vanquishing all the powers of night, set
me again upon my feet; I was soon in the open air, and refreshed, if
not restored.
[Side-note: Correspondence with Frederica.]
Superstition, like many other fancies, very easily loses in power,
when, instead of flattering our vanity, it stands in its way, and
would fain produce an evil hour to this delicate being. "We then see
well enough that we can get rid of it when we choose; we renounce it
the more easily, as all of which we deprive ourselves turns to our
own advantage. The sight of Frederica, the feeling of her love, the
cheerfulness of everything around me--all reproved me, that in the
midst of the happiest days I could harbour such dismal night-birds in
my bosom. The confiding conduct of the dear girl, which became more and
more intimate, made me thoroughly rejoiced, and I felt truly happy,
when, at parting, she openly gave a kiss to me, as well as the other
friends and relations.
In the city many occupations and dissipations awaited me, from the
midst of which I collected myself for the sake of my beloved, by means
of a correspondence, which we regularly established. Even in her
letters she always remained the same; whether she related anything new,
or alluded to well-known occurrences, lightly described or cursorily
reflected, it was always as if, even with her pen, she appeared going,
coming, running, bounding with a step as light as it was sure. I also
liked very much to write to her, for the act of rendering present her
good qualities increased my affection even during absence, so that this
intercourse was little inferior to a personal one, nay, afterwards
became pleasanter and dearer to me.
For that superstition had been forced to give way altogether. It was
indeed based upon the impressions of earlier years, but the spirit of
the day, the liveliness of youth, the intercourse with cold sensible
men, all was unfavourable to it, so that it would not have been easy to
find among all who surrounded me a single person to whom a confession
of my whims would not have been perfectly ridiculous. But the worst
of it was, that the fancy, while it fled, left behind it a real
contemplation of that state in which young people are placed, whose
early affections can promise themselves no lasting result. So little
was I assisted in getting free from error, that understanding and
reflection used me still worse in this instance. My passion increased
the more I learned to know the virtue of the excellent girl, and the
time approached when I was to lose, perhaps for ever, so much that was
dear and good.
We had quietly and pleasantly passed a long time together, when friend
Weyland had the waggery to bring with him to Sesenheim the _Vicar of
Wakefield_, and when they were, talking of reading aloud, to hand
it over to me unexpectedly, as if nothing further was to be said. I
managed to collect myself, and read with as much cheerfulness and
freedom as I could. Even the faces of my hearers at once brightened,
and it did not seem unpleasant to them to be again forced to a
comparison. If they had found comical counterparts to Raymond and
Melusina, they here saw themselves in a glass which by no means gave a
distorted likeness. They did not openly confess, but they did not deny,
that they were moving among persons akin both by mind and feeling.
All men of a good disposition feel, with increasing cultivation, that
they have a double part to play in the world,--a real one and an
ideal one, and in this feeling is the ground of everything noble to
be sought. The real part which has been assigned to us we experience
but too plainly; with respect to the second, we seldom come to a clear
understanding about it. Man may seek his higher destination on earth
or in heaven, in the present or in the future, he yet remains on this
account exposed to an eternal wavering, to an influence from without
which ever disturbs him, until he once for all makes a resolution to
declare that that is right which is suitable to himself.
Among the most venial attempts to acquire something higher, to place
oneself on an equality with something higher, may be classed the
youthful impulse to compare oneself with the characters in novels. This
is highly innocent, and whatever may be urged against, it, the very
reverse of mischievous. It amuses at times when we should necessarily
die of _ennui_, or grasp at the recreation of passion.
How often is repeated the litany about the mischief of novels--and yet
what misfortune is it if a pretty girl or a handsome young man put
themselves in the place of a person who fares better or worse than
themselves? Is the citizen life worth so much? or do the necessities
of the day so completely absorb the man, that he must refuse every
beautiful demand which is made upon him?
[Side-note: Results of Novel-Reading.]
The historico-poetical Christian names which have intruded into the
German church in the place of the sacred names, not unfrequently to
the annoyance of the officiating clergyman, are without doubt to be
regarded as small ramifications of the romantico-poetical pictures.
This very impulse to honour one's child by a well-sounding name--even
if the name has nothing further behind it--is praiseworthy, and this
connexion of an imaginary world with the real one diffuses an agreeable
lustre over the whole life of the person. A beautiful child, whom
with satisfaction we call "Bertha," we should think we offended if we
were to call it "Urselblandine." With a cultivated man, not to say a
lover, such a name would certainly falter on the lips. The cold world,
which judges only from one side, is not to be blamed if it sets down
as ridiculous and objectionable all that comes forward as imaginary,
but the thinking connoisseur of mankind must know how to estimate it
according to its worth.
For the position of the loving couple on the fair Rhine-bank, this
comparison, to which a wag had compelled them produced the most
agreeable results. We do not think of ourselves when we look in a
mirror, but we feel ourselves, and allow ourselves to pass. Thus is it
also with those moral imitations, in which we recognise our manners and
inclinations, our habits and peculiarities, as in a _silhouette_, and
strive to grasp it and embrace it with brotherly affection.
The habit of being together became more and more confirmed, and nothing
else was known but that I belonged to this circle. The affair was
allowed to take its course without the question being directly asked
as to what was to be the result. And what parents are there who do
not find themselves compelled to let daughters and sons continue for
a while in such a wavering condition, until accidentally something is
confirmed for life, better than it could have been produced by a long
arranged plan.
It was thought that perfect confidence could be placed both in
Frederica's sentiments and in my rectitude, of which, on account of
my forbearance even from innocent caresses, a favourable opinion
had been entertained. We were left unobserved, as was generally the
custom, there and then, and it depended on ourselves to go over the
country, with a larger or smaller party, and to visit the friends in
the neighbourhood. On both sides of the Rhine, in Hagenau, Fort-Louis,
Philippsburg, the Ortenau, I found dispersed those persons whom I had
seen united at Sesenheim, every one by himself, a friendly, hospitable
host, throwing open kitchen and cellar just as willingly as gardens and
vineyards, nay, the whole spot. The islands on the Rhine were often a
goal for our water-expeditions. There, without pity, we put the cool
inhabitants of the clear Rhine into the kettle, on the spit, into the
boiling fat, and would here, perhaps more than was reasonable, have
settled ourselves in the snug fishermen's huts, if the abominable
Rhine-gnats (_Rhein-schnaken_) had not, after some hours, driven us
away. At this intolerable interruption of one of our most charming
parties of pleasure, when everything else was prosperous, when the
affection of the lovers seemed to increase with the good success of
the enterprise, and we had nevertheless come home too soon, unsuitably
and inopportunely. I actually, in the presence of the good reverend
father, broke out into blasphemous expressions, and assured him that
these gnats alone were sufficient to remove from me the thought that
a good and wise Deity had created the world. The pious old gentleman,
by way of reply, solemnly called me to order, and explained to me that
these gnats and other vermin had not arisen until after the fall of
our first parents, or that if there were any of them in Paradise, they
had only pleasantly hummed there, and had not stung. I certainly felt
myself calmed at once, for an angry man may easily be appeased if we
can succeed in making him smile; but I nevertheless asserted that there
was no need of the angel with the burning sword to drive the guilty
pair out of the garden; my host, I said, must rather allow me to think
that this was effected by means of great gnats on the Tigris and the
Euphrates. And thus I again made him laugh; for the old man understood
a joke, or at any rate let one pass.
[Side-note: The Pastor's Chair.]
However, the enjoyment of the day-time and season in this noble country
was more serious and more elevating to the heart. One had only to
resign oneself to the present, to enjoy the clearness of the pure
sky, the brilliancy of the rich earth, the mild evenings, the warm
nights, by the side of a beloved one, or in her vicinity. For months
together we were favoured with pure ethereal mornings, when the sky
displayed itself in all its magnificence, having watered the earth with
superfluous dew; and that this spectacle might not become too simple,
clouds after clouds piled themselves over the distant mountains,
now in this spot, now in that. They stood for days, nay, for weeks,
without obscuring the pure sky, and even the transient storms refreshed
the country, and gave lustre to the green, which again glistened in
the sunshine before it could become dry. The double rainbow, the
two-coloured borders of a dark grey and nearly black streak in the
sky, were nobler, more highly coloured, more decided, but also more
transient, than I had ever observed.
In the midst of these objects the desire of poetising, which I had not
felt for a long time, again came forward. For Frederica I composed many
songs to well-known melodies. They would have made a pretty little
book; a few of them still remain, and will easily be found among my
others.
Since on account of my strange studies and other circumstances I was
often compelled to return to the town, there arose for our affection a
new life, which preserved us from all that unpleasantness which usually
attaches itself as an annoying consequence to such little love-affairs.
Though far from me, she yet laboured for me, and thought of some new
amusement against I should return; though far from her, I employed
myself for her, that by some new gift or new notion I myself might be
again new to her. Painted ribbons had then just come into fashion, I
painted at once for her a few pieces, and sent them on with a little
poem, as on this occasion I was forced to stop away longer than I had
anticipated. That I might fulfil and even go beyond my promise to the
father of a new and elaborated plan, I persuaded a young adept in
architecture to work instead of myself. He took as much pleasure in
the task as he had kindness for me, and was still further animated by
the hope of a good reception in so agreeable a family. He finished the
ground-plan, sketch, and section of the house; court-yard and garden
were not forgotten, and a detailed but very moderate estimate was
added, to show the possibility of carrying out an extensive project.
These testimonials of our friendly endeavours obtained for us the
kindest reception; and since the good father saw that we had the best
will to serve him, he came forward with one wish more; it was the wish
to see his pretty but one-coloured chair adorned with flowers and other
ornaments. We showed ourselves accommodating. Colours, pencils, and
other requisites were fetched from the tradesmen and apothecaries of
the nearest towns. But that we might not be wanting in a _Wakefield_
mistake, we did not remark, until all had been most industriously and
variously painted, that we had taken a false varnish which would not
dry; neither sunshine nor draught, neither fair nor wet weather were
of any avail. In the meanwhile we were obliged to make use of an old
lumber-room, and nothing was left us but to rub out the ornaments with
more assiduity than we had painted them. The unpleasantness of this
work was still increased when the girls intreated us, for heaven's
sake, to proceed slowly and cautiously, for the sake of sparing the
ground; which, however, after this operation, was not again to be
restored to its former brilliancy.
By such little disagreeable contigencies, which happened at intervals,
we were, however, just as little interrupted in our cheerful life as
Dr. Primrose and his amiable family; for many an unexpected pleasure
befell both ourselves and our friends and neighbours. Weddings and
christenings, the erection of a building, an inheritance, a prize in
the lottery, were reciprocally announced and enjoyed. We shared all joy
together, like a common property, and wished to heighten it by mind and
love. It was not the first nor the last time that I found myself in
families and social circles at the very moment of their highest bloom,
and if I may flatter myself that I contributed something towards the
lustre of such epochs, I must, on the other hand, be reproached with
the fact, that on this very account such times passed the more quickly
and vanished the sooner.
[Side-note: The Visit to Strasburg.]
But now our love was to undergo a singular trial. I will call it a
trial (_Prüfung_), although this is not the right word. The country
family with which I was intimate was related to some families in
the city of good note and respectability, and comfortably off as to
circumstances. The young towns-people were often at Sesenheim. The
older persons, the mothers and aunts, being less moveable, heard so
much of the life there, of the increasing charms of the daughters, and
even of my influence, that they first wished to become acquainted with
me, and after I had often visited them, and had been well received
by them, desired also to see us once altogether, especially as they
thought they owed the Sesenheim folks a friendly reception in return.
There was much discussion on all sides. The mother could scarcely leave
her household affairs, Olivia had a horror of the town, for which she
was not fitted, and Frederica had no inclination for it; and thus the
affair was put off, until it was at last brought to a decision by
the fact, that it happened to be impossible for me to come into the
country; for it was better to see each other in the city, and under
some restraint, than not to see each other at all. And thus I now
found my fair friends, whom I had been only accustomed to see in a
rural scene, and whose image had only appeared to me hitherto before a
background of waving boughs, flowing brooks, nodding field-flowers, and
a horizon open for miles; I now saw them, I say, for the first time, in
town-rooms, which were indeed spacious, but yet narrow, if we take into
consideration the carpets, glasses, clocks, and porcelain figures.
The relation to that which one loves is so decided, that the
surrounding objects have little to do with it, but nevertheless the
heart desires that these shall be the suitable, natural, and usual
objects. With my lively feeling for everything present, I could not at
once adapt myself to the contradiction of the moment. The respectable
and calmly noble demeanour of the mother was perfectly adapted to the
circle; she was not different from the other ladies; Olivia, on the
other hand, showed herself as impatient as a fish out of water. As she
had formerly called to me in the gardens, or beckoned me aside in the
fields, if she had anything particular to say to me, she also did the
same here, when she drew me into the recess of a window. This she did
awkwardly and with embarrassment, because she felt that it was not
becoming, and did it notwithstanding. She had the most unimportant
things in the world to say to me--nothing but what I knew already;
for instance, that she wished herself by the Rhine, over the Rhine,
or even in Turkey. Frederica, on the contrary, was highly remarkable
in this situation. Properly speaking, she also did not suit it, but
it bore witness to her character, that, instead of finding herself
adapted to this condition, she unconsciously moulded the condition
according to herself. She acted here as she had acted with the society
in the country. She knew how to animate every moment. Without creating
any disturbance, she put all in motion, and exactly by this pacified
society, which really is only disturbed by _ennui._ She thus completely
fulfilled the desire of her town aunts, who wished for once, on their
sofas, to be witnesses of those rural games and amusements. If this was
done to satisfaction, so also were the wardrobe, the ornaments, and
whatever besides distinguished the town nieces, who were dressed in
the French fashion, considered and admired without envy. With me also
Frederica had no difficulty, since she treated me the same as ever. She
seemed to give me no other preference but that of communicating her
desires and wishes to me rather than to another, and thus recognising
me as her servant.