f(1) Simonides was very avaricious, and sold his pen to the
highest bidder. It seems that Sophocles had also started
writing for gain.
HERMES Into Simonides? How so?
TRYGAEUS Because, though old and broken-down as he is, he would put to
sea on a hurdle to gain an obolus.(1)
f(1) i.e. he would recoil from no risk to turn an honest
penny.
HERMES And wise Cratinus,(1) is he still alive?
f(1) A comic poet as well known for his love of wine as for
his writings; he died in 431 B.C., the first year of the
war, at the age of ninety-seven.
TRYGAEUS He died about the time of the Laconian invasion.
HERMES How?
TRYGAEUS Of a swoon. He could not bear the shock of seeing one of his
casks full of wine broken. Ah! what a number of other misfortunes our
city has suffered! So, dearest mistress, nothing can now separate us
from thee.
HERMES If that be so, receive Opora here for a wife; take her to the
country, live with her, and grow fine grapes together.(1)
f(1) Opora was the goddess of fruits.
TRYGAEUS Come, my dear friend, come and accept my kisses. Tell me,
Hermes, my master, do you think it would hurt me to love her a little,
after so long an abstinence?
HERMES No, not if you swallow a potion of penny-royal afterwards.(1) But
hasten to lead Theoria(2) to the Senate; 'twas there she lodged before.
f(1) The scholiast says fruit may be eaten with impunity in
great quantities if care is taken to drink a decoction of
this herb afterwards.
f(2) Theoria is confided to the care of the Senate, because
it was this body who named the deputies appointed to go and
consult the oracles beyond the Attic borders to be present
at feats and games.
TRYGAEUS Oh! fortunate Senate! Thanks to Theoria, what soups you will
swallow for the space of three days!(1) how you will devour meats and
cooked tripe! Come, farewell, friend Hermes!
f(1) The great festivals, e.g. the Dionysia, lasted three
days. Those in honour of the return of Peace, which was so
much desired, could not last a shorter time.
HERMES And to you also, my dear sir, may you have much happiness, and
don't forget me.
TRYGAEUS Come, beetle, home, home, and let us fly on a swift wing.
HERMES Oh! he is no longer here.
TRYGAEUS Where has he gone to then?
HERMES He is harnessed to the chariot of Zeus and bears the thunder
bolts.
TRYGAEUS But where will the poor wretch get his food?
HERMES He will eat Ganymede's ambrosia.
TRYGAEUS Very well then, but how am I going to descend?
HERMES Oh! never fear, there is nothing simpler; place yourself beside
the goddess.
TRYGAEUS Come, my pretty maidens, follow me quickly; there are plenty of
folk awaiting you with ready weapons.
CHORUS Farewell and good luck be yours! Let us begin by handing over all
this gear to the care of our servants, for no place is less safe than a
theatre; there is always a crowd of thieves prowling around it, seeking
to find some mischief to do. Come, keep a good watch over all this.
As for ourselves, let us explain to the spectators what we have in our
minds, the purpose of our play.
Undoubtedly the comic poet who mounted the stage to praise himself
in the parabasis would deserve to be handed over to the sticks of the
beadles. Nevertheless, oh Muse, if it be right to esteem the most honest
and illustrious of our comic writers at his proper value, permit our
poet to say that he thinks he has deserved a glorious renown. First of
all, 'tis he who has compelled his rivals no longer to scoff at rags
or to war with lice; and as for those Heracles, always chewing and ever
hungry, those poltroons and cheats who allow themselves to be beaten
at will, he was the first to cover them with ridicule and to chase them
from the stage;(1) he has also dismissed that slave, whom one never
failed to set a-weeping before you, so that his comrade might have
the chance of jeering at his stripes and might ask, "Wretch, what has
happened to your hide? Has the lash rained an army of its thongs on
you and laid your back waste?" After having delivered us from all these
wearisome ineptitudes and these low buffooneries, he has built up for
us a great art, like a palace with high towers, constructed of fine
phrases, great thoughts and of jokes not common on the streets.
Moreover 'tis not obscure private persons or women that he stages in his
comedies; but, bold as Heracles, 'tis the very greatest whom he attacks,
undeterred by the fetid stink of leather or the threats of hearts of
mud. He has the right to say, "I am the first ever dared to go straight
for that beast with the sharp teeth and the terrible eyes that flashed
lambent fire like those of Cynna,(2) surrounded by a hundred lewd
flatterers, who spittle-licked him to his heart's content; it had a
voice like a roaring torrent, the stench of a seal, a foul Lamia's
testicles and the rump of a camel."(3)
I did not recoil in horror at the sight of such a monster, but fought
him relentlessly to win your deliverance and that of the Islanders. Such
are the services which should be graven in your recollection and entitle
me to your thanks. Yet I have not been seen frequenting the wrestling
school intoxicated with success and trying to tamper with young boys;(4)
but I took all my theatrical gear(5) and returned straight home. I
pained folk but little and caused them much amusement; my conscience
rebuked me for nothing. Hence both grown men and youths should be on my
side and I likewise invite the bald(6) to give me their votes; for, if I
triumph, everyone will say, both at table and at festivals, "Carry this
to the bald man, give these cakes to the bald one, do not grudge the
poet whose talent shines as bright as his own bare skull the share he
deserves."
Oh, Muse! drive the War far from our city and come to preside over our
dances, if you love me; come and celebrate the nuptials of the gods, the
banquets of us mortals and the festivals of the fortunate; these are the
themes that inspire thy most poetic songs. And should Carcinus come to
beg thee for admission with his sons to thy chorus, refuse all traffic
with them; remember they are but gelded birds, stork-necked dancers,
mannikins about as tall as a pat of goat dung, in fact machine-made
poets.(7) Contrary to all expectation, the father has at last managed
to finish a piece, but he owns himself that a cat strangled it one fine
evening.(8)
Such are the songs(9) with which the Muse with the glorious hair
inspires the able poet and which enchant the assembled populace, when
the spring swallow twitters beneath the foliage;(10) but the god spare
us from the chorus of Morsimus and that of Melanthius!(11) Oh! what a
bitter discordancy grated upon my ears that day when the tragic
chorus was directed by this same Melanthius and his brother, these two
Gorgons,(12) these two harpies, the plague of the seas, whose gluttonous
bellies devour the entire race of fishes, these followers of old women,
these goats with their stinking arm-pits. Oh! Muse, spit upon them
abundantly and keep the feast gaily with me.
f(1) In spite of what he says, Aristophanes has not always
disdained this sort of low comedy--for instance, his
Heracles in 'The Birds.'
f(2) A celebrated Athenian courtesan of Aristophanes' day.
f(3) Cleon. These four verses are here repeated from the
parabasis of 'The Wasps,' produced 423 B.C., the year before
this play.
f(4) Shafts aimed at certain poets, who used their renown as
a means of seducing young men to grant them pederastic
favours.
f(5) The poet supplied everything needful for the production
of his piece--vases, dresses, masks, etc.
f(6) Aristophanes was bald himself, it would seem.
f(7) Carcinus and his three sons were both poets and
dancers. (See the closing scene of 'The Wasps.') Perhaps
relying little on the literary value of their work, it seems
that they sought to please the people by the magnificence of
its staging.
f(8) He had written a piece called 'The Mice,' which he
succeeded with great difficulty in getting played, but it
met with no success.
f(9) This passage really follows on the invocation, "Oh,
Muse! drive the War," etc., from which indeed it is only
divided by the interpolated criticism aimed at Carcinus.
f(10) The scholiast informs us that these verses are
borrowed from a poet of the sixth century B.C.
f(11) Sons of Philocles, of the family of Aeschylus, tragic
writers, derided by Aristophanes as bad poets and notorious
gluttons.
f(12) The Gorgons were represented with great teeth, and
therefore the same name was given to gluttons. The Harpies,
to whom the two voracious poets are also compared, were
monsters with the face of a woman, the body of a vulture and
hooked beak and claws.
TRYGAEUS Ah! 'tis a rough job getting to the gods! my legs are as good
as broken through it. How small you were, to be sure, when seen from
heaven! you had all the appearance too of being great rascals; but seen
close, you look even worse.
SERVANT Is that you, master?
TRYGAEUS So I've been told.
SERVANT What has happened to you?
TRYGAEUS My legs pain me; it is such a plaguey long journey.
SERVANT Oh! tell me...
TRYGAEUS What?
SERVANT Did you see any other man besides yourself strolling about in
heaven?
TRYGAEUS No, only the souls of two or three dithyrambic poets.
SERVANT What were they doing up there?
TRYGAEUS They were seeking to catch some lyric exordia as they flew by
immersed in the billows of the air.
SERVANT Is it true, what they tell us, that men are turned into stars
after death?
TRYGAEUS Quite true.
SERVANT Then who is that star I see over yonder?
TRYGAEUS That is Ion of Chios,(1) the author of an ode beginning
"Morning"; as soon as ever he got to heaven, they called him "the
Morning Star."
f(1) A tragic and dithyrambic poet, who had written many
pieces, which had met with great success at Athens.
SERVANT And those stars like sparks, that plough up the air as they dart
across the sky?(1)
f(1) The shooting stars.
TRYGAEUS They are the rich leaving the feast with a lantern and a light
inside it.--But hurry up, show this young girl into my house, clean out
the bath, heat some water and prepare the nuptial couch for herself and
me. When 'tis done, come back here; meanwhile I am off to present this
one to the Senate.
SERVANT But where then did you get these pretty chattels?
TRYGAEUS Where? why in heaven.
SERVANT I would not give more than an obolus for gods who have got to
keeping brothels like us mere mortals.
TRYGAEUS They are not all so, but there are some up there too who live
by this trade.
SERVANT Come, that's rich! But I bethink me, shall I give her something
to eat?
TRYGAEUS No, for she would neither touch bread nor cake; she is used to
licking ambrosia at the table of the gods.
SERVANT Well, we can give her something to lick down here too.
CHORUS Here is a truly happy old man, as far as I can judge.
TRYGAEUS Ah! but what shall I be, when you see me presently dressed for
the wedding?
CHORUS Made young again by love and scented with perfumes, your lot will
be one we all shall envy.
TRYGAEUS And when I lie beside her and caress her bosoms?
CHORUS Oh! then you will be happier than those spinning-tops who call
Carcinus their father.(1)
f(1) It has already been mentioned that the sons of Carcinus
were dancers.
TRYGAEUS And I well deserve it; have I not bestridden a beetle to save
the Greeks, who now, thanks to me, can make love at their ease and sleep
peacefully on their farms?
SERVANT The girl has quitted the bath; she is charming from head to
foot, both belly and buttocks; the cake is baked and they are kneading
the sesame-biscuit;(1) nothing is lacking but the bridegroom's virility.
f(1) It was customary at weddings, says Menander, to give
the bride a sesame-caked as an emblem of fruitfulness,
because sesame is the most fruitful of all seeds.
TRYGAEUS Let us first hasten to lodge Theoria in the hands of the
Senate.
SERVANT But tell me, who is this woman?
TRYGAEUS Why, 'tis Theoria, with whom we used formerly to go to
Brauron,(1) to get tipsy and frolic. I had the greatest trouble to get
hold of her.
f(1) An Attic town on the east coast, noted for a
magnificent temple, in which stood the statue of Artemis,
which Orestes and Iphigenia had brought from the Tauric
Chersonese and also for the Brauronia, festivals that were
celebrated every four years in honour of the goddess. This
was one of the festivals which the Attic people kept with
the greatest pomp, and was an occasion for debauchery.
SERVANT Ah! you charmer! what pleasure your pretty bottom will afford me
every four years!
TRYGAEUS Let us see, who of you is steady enough to be trusted by the
Senate with the care of this charming wench? Hi! you, friend! what are
you drawing there?
SERVANT I am drawing the plan of the tent I wish to erect for myself on
the isthmus.(1)
f(1) Competitors intending to take part in the great
Olympic, Isthmian and other games took with them a tent,
wherein to camp in the open. Further, there is an obscene
allusion which the actor indicates by a gesture.
TRYGAEUS Come, who wishes to take the charge of her? No one? Come,
Theoria, I am going to lead you into the midst of the spectators and
confide you to their care.
SERVANT Ah! there is one who makes a sign to you.
TRYGAEUS Who is it?
SERVANT 'Tis Ariphrades. He wishes to take her home at once.
TRYGAEUS No, I'm sure he shan't. He would soon have her done for,
absorbing all her life-force. Come, Theoria, put down all this gear.(1)
Senate, Prytanes, look upon Theoria and see what precious blessings
I place in your hands. Hasten to raise its limbs and to immolate the
victim. Admire the fine chimney,(2) it is quite black with smoke, for
'twas here that the Senate did their cooking before the war. Now that
you have found Theoria again, you can start the most charming games from
to-morrow, wrestling with her on the ground, either on your hands and
feet, or you can lay her on her side, or stand before her with bent
knees, or, well rubbed with oil, you can boldly enter the lists, as
in the Pancratium, belabouring your foe with blows from your fist or
otherwise. The next day you will celebrate equestrian games, in which
the riders will ride side by side, or else the chariot teams, thrown one
on top of another, panting and whinnying, will roll and knock against
each other on the ground, while other rivals, thrown out of their
seats, will fall before reaching the goal, utterly exhausted by their
efforts.--Come, Prytanes, take Theoria. Oh! look how graciously yonder
fellow has received her; you would not have been in such a hurry to
introduce her to the Senate, if nothing were coming to you through
it;(3) you would not have failed to plead some holiday as an excuse.
f(1) Doubtless the vessels and other sacrificial objects and
implements with which Theoria was laden in her character of
presiding deity at religious ceremonies.
f(2) Where the meats were cooked after sacrifice; this also
marks the secondary obscene sense he means to convey.
f(3) One of the offices of the Prytanes was to introduce
those who asked admission to the Senate, but it would seem
that none could obtain this favour without payment. Without
this, a thousand excuses would be made; for instance, it
would be a public holiday, and consequently the Senate could
receive no one. As there was some festival nearly every
day, he whose purse would not open might have to wait a very
long while.
CHORUS Such a man as you assures the happiness of all his
fellow-citizens.
TRYGAEUS When you are gathering your vintages you will prize me even
better.
CHORUS E'en from to-day we hail you as the deliverer of mankind.
TRYGAEUS Wait until you have drunk a beaker of new wine, before you
appraise my true merits.
CHORUS Excepting the gods, there is none greater than yourself, and that
will ever be our opinion.
TRYGAEUS Yea, Trygaeus of Athmonia has deserved well of you, he has
freed both husbandman and craftsman from the most cruel ills; he has
vanquished Hyberbolus.
SERVANT Well then, what must be done now?
TRYGAEUS You must offer pots of green-stuff to the goddess to consecrate
her altars.
SERVANT Pots of green-stuff(1) as we do to poor Hermes--and even he
thinks the fare but mean?
f(1) This was only offered to lesser deities.
TRYGAEUS What will you offer them? A fatted bull?