It was a Sunday afternoon, not bright, but dull. All the long day the
low clouds had been dropping freshness down;--the soft May-rain, which
falls warm and silent, as if the spring were weeping itself away for
very gladness. Through the open window came the faint odour which
the earth gives forth during rain--an odour of bursting leaves and
dew-covered flowers. On the lawn you could almost “have seen the grass
grow.” And though the sky was dull and grey, still the whole air was so
full of summer, so rich in the promise of what the next day would be,
that you did not marvel to hear the birds singing as merrily as if
it had been sunshine. There was one thrush to which Olive had stood
listening for half-an-hour. He sat sheltered in the heart of the
great syringa bush. Though the rain kept dropping continually from its
flowers, he poured out a song so long and merry, that he even disturbed
his friends in the parlour--the happy silent three--mother, son, and the
son's betrothed.
Mrs. Gwynne, who sat in the far corner, put down her book--the best
Book, for Sunday and all other days--the only one she ever read now.
Harold, still feeble, lying back in his armchair by the window, listened
to the happy bird.
“Do you like to hear it, or shall I close the window?” said Olive,
coming towards him.
“Nay, it does me good; everything does me good now,” he answered,
smiling. And then he lay a long time, quietly looking on the garden and
the misty view beyond. Olive sat, looking alone at him; watching him
in that deep peace, that satisfied content with which our eyes drink in
every lineament beloved, when, all sorrow past, the fulness of love has
come. No need had she to seek his, as though asking restlessly, “Do you
love me?” In her own love's completeness she desired no demonstration of
his. To her it was perfect joy only to sit near him and to look at his
face; the face which, whether seen or remembered, shone distinct from
every other face in the wide world; and had done so from the first
moment when it met her sight. Very calm and beautiful it was now; so
beautiful, that even his mother turned round and looked at him for a
moment with dimmed eyes.
“You are sure you feel quite well to-day? I mean as well as usual. You
are not sitting up too long, or wearying yourself too much?”
“Oh, no, mother! I think I could even exert myself more; but there is
such sweetness in this dreamy life. I am so happy! It will be almost a
pain to go back to the troublesome world again.”
“Do not say so, my son. Indeed, we must have you quite well soon--the
sooner the better--and then you will return to all your old duties. When
I sat in church this morning, I was counting how many Sundays it would
possibly be before I heard my son Harold's voice there again.”
Harold moved restlessly.
“What say you, Olive, my dear?” continued Mrs. Gwynne. “Will it not be a
pleasure to hear him in his own pulpit again? How soon, think you, will
he be able to preach?”
“I cannot tell,” answered Olive, in a low voice; and she looked
anxiously at her betrothed. For well she knew his heart, and well she
guessed that though that heart was pure and open in the sight of God and
in _her_ sight, it might not be so in that of every man. And although
his faith was now the Christian faith--even, in many points, that of the
Church--still Olive doubted whether he would ever be a Church of England
minister again. No wonder that she watched his face in anxious love, and
then looked from him to his mother, who, all unconscious, continued to
speak.
“In truth, all your parishioners will be glad to have you back. Even
Mrs. Fludyer was saying so yesterday; and noticing that it was a whole
year since you had preached in your own church. A long absence! Of
course, it could not be helped; still it was rather a pity. Please God,
it shall not happen again--shall it, Harold?”
“Mother--mother!” His hands were crushed together, and with a look of
pain. Olive stole to his side.
“Perhaps we are talking too much. Shall we go away, Harold, and leave
you to sleep?”
“Hush, Olive! hush!” he whispered. “I have thought of this before. I
knew I must tell it to her--all the truth.”
“But not now--not now. Wait till you are stronger; wait a week--a day.”
“No, not an hour. It is right!”
“What are you talking to my son about?” said Mrs. Gwynne, with a quick
jealousy, which even yet was not altogether stilled.
Neither of the betrothed spoke.
“You are not hiding anything from me, Harold; from me, your mother!”
“My mother--my noble, self-denying, mother!” murmured Harold, as if
thinking aloud. “Surely, if I sinned for her, God will forgive me!”
“Sinned for me! What are you talking of, Harold? Is there anything in
your mind--anything I do not know?” And her eyes--still tender, yet with
a half-formed suspicion--were fixed searchingly on her son. And when,
as if to shield him even from his mother, Olive leaned over him, Mrs.
Gwynne's voice grew stern with reproof.
“Stand aside, Olive. Let me see his face. Not even you have a right to
interpose between me and my son.”
Olive moved a little aside. Very meek was she--as one had need to
be whom Mrs. Gwynne would call daughter and Harold wife. Yet by her
meekness she had oftentimes controlled them both. She did so now.
“Olive--darling,” whispered Harold, his eyes full of love; “my mother
says right Let her come and sit by me a little. Nay, stay near, though.
I must have you in my sight--it will strengthen me.”
She pressed his hand, and went away to the other end of the room.
Then Harold said, tenderly, “Mother, I want to tell you something.”
“It is no misfortune--no sin? O, my son, I am too old to bear either!”
she answered, as she sat down, trembling a little.
“My own mother--my mother that I love, dearer now than ever in my life
before--listen to me, and then judge me. Twelve or fourteen years ago,
there was a son--an only son--who had a noble mother. She had sacrificed
everything for him--the time came when he had to sacrifice something for
her. It was a point of conscience; light, perhaps, _then_--but still it
caused him a struggle. He must conquer it, and he did so. He stifled all
scruples, pressed down all doubts, and became a minister of a Church in
whose faith he did not quite believe.”
“Go on,” said Mrs. Gwynne, hurriedly. “I had a fear once--a bitter fear.
But no matter! Go on!”
“Well, he did this sin, for sin it was, though done for his mother's
sake. He had better have supported her by the labour of his hands, than
have darkened his soul by a lie. But he did not think of that then. All
the fault was his--not his mother's; mind--I say _not his mother's._”
She looked at him, and then looked away again.
“He could blame no one but himself--he never did--though his first faint
doubts grew, until they prisoned him like a black mist, through which he
could see neither earth nor heaven. Men's natures are different; his
was not meant for that of a quiet village priest. Circumstances,
associations, habits of mind--all were against him. And so his
scepticism and his misery increased, until in despair of heaven, he
plunged into the oblivion of an earthly passion. He went mad for a
woman's beauty,--for her beauty only!”
Harold pressed his hand upon his brow, as if old memories stung him
still. His betrothed saw it, but she felt no pain. She knew that her own
love had shone down into his heart's dark depths, removing every stain,
binding up every wound. By that love's great might she had saved him,
won him, and would have power to keep him evermore.
“Mother,” Harold pursued, “I must pass on quickly to the end. This man's
one error seemed to cause all fate to rise against him that he might
become an infidel to God and to man. At last he had faith in no living
soul except his mother. This alone saved him from being the vilest
wretch that ever crawled, as he was already the most miserable.”
A faint groan--only one--broke from the depth of the mother's heart, but
she never spoke.
“There was no escape--his pride shut out that. So, year after year, he
fulfilled his calling, and lived his life, honestly, morally--towards
man, at least; but towards Heaven it was one long, awful lie. For he--a
minister in God's temple--was in his heart an infidel.”
Harold stopped. In his strong excitement he had forgotten his mother.
She, letting go his hand, glided to her knees; there she knelt for a
long time, her lips moving silently. At last she rose, her grand figure
lifted to its utmost height, her face very stern, her voice without one
tone of tremulous age, or mother's anguish.
“And this hypocrite in man's sight--this blasphemer in the face of
God--is my son Harold?”
“Was, but is not--never will be more. Oh, mother, have mercy! for Heaven
has had mercy too.--I am no sceptic now. I believe, ay, fervently and
humbly believe.”
Mrs. Gwynne uttered a great cry, and fell on his neck. Never since the
time when he was a child in her arms had he received such a passionate
clasp--an embrace mingled with weeping that shook the whole frame of the
aged mother. For a moment she lifted her head, murmured a thanksgiving
for the son who “was dead, and alive again--was lost and found,” and
then she clung to him once more.
“Olive kept aloof, until, seeing what a ghastly paleness was coming over
the face of her betrothed, she came and stood beside him, saying,
“Do not talk more, you are too weak. Let me tell the rest.”
“You there, Olive? Go! Leave my son to me; you have no part here.”
But Harold held his betrothed fast. “Nay, mother. Take her and bless
her, for it was she who saved your son.”
And then, in a few broken words, he told the rest of the tale; told it
so that not even his mother could be wounded by the thought of a secret
known to Olive and concealed from her--of an influence that over her son
was more powerful than her own. Afterwards, when Olive's arms were round
her neck, and Olive's voice was heard imploring pardon for both, her
whole heart melted within her. Solemnly she blessed her son's betrothed,
and called her “daughter.”
“Now, my Harold!” she said, when, all trace of emotion having passed
from either, she sat quietly by her son's side. “Now I understand
all. Olive is right; with your love of action, and a spirit that would
perhaps find a limitation in the best forms of belief, you never can
be again a minister of the English Church. We must not think of it any
more.”
“But, mother, how shall we live? That is what tortures me! Whither
shall we turn if we go from Harbury? Alone, I could bear anything, but
you”----
“No matter for me! My Harold,” she added, a little moved, “if you had
trusted me, and told me your sufferings at any time all these years,--I
would have given up everything here, and lived, as I once did, when you
were a youth at college. It was not hard then, nor would it have been
now. O my son, you did not half know your mother!”
He looked at her, and slowly, slowly there rose in his eyes--those
clear, proud, manly eyes!--two great crystal tears. He was not ashamed
of them; he let them gather and fall. And Olive loved him dearer, ay,
ten thousand times, even though these tears--the first and last she ever
beheld him shed--were given not to her, but to his mother.
Mrs. Gwynne resumed.
“Let us think what we must do; for we have no time to lose. As soon as
you are quite strong, you must give up the curacy, and we will leave
Harbury.”
“Leave Harbury! your dear old home, from which you have often said you
could never part! Oh, mother, mother!”
“It is nothing--do not think of it, my son! Afterwards, what must you
do?”
“I cannot tell. Olive, think for me!” said Harold, looking helplessly
towards her.
Olive advised--timidly at first, but growing firmer as she
proceeded--that he should carry out his old plan of going to America.
They talked over the project for a long time, until it grew matured.
Ere the afternoon closed, it was finally decided on--at least, so far as
Harold's yet doubtful health permitted.
“But I shall grow strong now, I know. Mother--Olive! my heart is
lightened of the load of years!”
And truly it seemed so. Nay, when tea-time came he even rose and walked
across the room with something of his old firm step, as if the returning
health were strong within him.
After tea, Harbury bells broke out in their evening chime. Mrs. Gwynne
rose; Olive asked if she were thinking of going to church!
“Yes--to thank God!”
“Go with her, Olive,” said Harold, as he watched his mother from the
room. Olive followed, but Mrs. Gwynne said she would rather go to church
alone, and Harold must not be left. Olive stayed with her a few minutes,
rendering all those little services which youth can so sweetly pay to
age. And sweet too was the reward when Harold's mother kissed her,
and once more called her “daughter.” So, full of content, she went
down-stairs to her betrothed.
Harold was again sitting in his favourite arm-chair by the window. The
rain had lately ceased, and just at the horizon there had come to the
heavy grey sky a golden fringe--a line of watery light, so dazzling that
the eye could scarcely bear it. It filled the whole room, and fell
like a glory on Harold's head. Olive stood still to look at him. Coming
closer, she saw that he was not asleep, though his eyes were cast down
in painful thought. Something in his expression reminded her of that
which he had worn on the night when he first came to Edinburgh, and she
had leaned over him, longing to comfort him--as she had now a right to
do. She did so! He felt the kiss on his brow, and smiled.
“Little Olive--good little Olive, she always comes when I most need
her,” he said, fondly.
“Little Olive is very happy in so doing. And now tell me what you were
thinking of, that you pressed your lips together, and knotted your
forehead--the broad beautiful forehead that I love? It was not good of
you, my Harold.”
“Do not jest, Olive; I cannot. If I go abroad, I must go alone. What
will become of my mother and Ailie?”
“They shall stay and comfort me. Nay, you will not forbid it. How could
I go on with my painting, living all alone?”
“Ay, there is another sting,” he answered. “Not one word say you;--but I
feel it. How many years you may have still to work on alone!”
“Do you think I fear that? Nay--I do not give my heart like some women I
have known--from dread of living to be an old maid, or to gain a house,
a name, and a husband;--I gave it for love, pure love! If I were to
wait for years--if I were never your wife at all, but died only your
betrothed, still I should die satisfied. Oh, Harold, you know not how
sweet it is to love you, and be loved by you--to share all your cares,
and rejoice in all your joys! Indeed--indeed I am content.”
“You might, my gentle one, but not I. Little you think how strong is
man's pride--how stronger still is man's love. We will not look to such
a future--I could not bear it. If I go, you shall go with me, my wife!
Poor or not, what care I, so you are mine?”
He spoke hurriedly, like the proud Harold of old--ay, the pride mingled
with a stronger passion still. But Olive smiled both down.
“Harold,” she said, parting his hair with her cool soft hands, “do not
be angry with me! You know I love you dearly. Sometimes I think I must
have loved you before you loved me, long. Yet I am not ashamed of this.”
“Ah!” he muttered, “how often ignorantly I must have made you suffer,
how often, blindly straggling with my own pride, have I tortured you.
But still--still I loved you. Forgive me, dear!”
“Nay, there is nothing to forgive. The joy has blotted out all the
pain.”
“It shall do so when you are once mine. That must be soon, Olive--soon.”
She answered firmly, though a little blushing the while: “It should
be to-morrow; if for your good. But it would not be. You must not be
troubled with worldly cares. To see you so would break my heart. No--you
must be free to work, and gain fame and success. My love shall never
fetter you down to anxious poverty. I regard your glory even dearer than
yourself, you see!”
Gradually she led him to consent to her entreaty that they should both
work together for their dearest ones; and that in the home which she
with her slender means could win, there should ever be a resting-place
for Mrs. Gwynne and for little Ailie.
Then they put aside all anxious talk, and sat in the twilight, with
clasped hands, speaking softly and brokenly; or else never speaking at
all; only feeling that they were together--they two, who were all in
all to each other, while the whole world of life went whirling outside,
never touching that sweet centre of complete repose. At last, Olive's
full heart ran over.
“Oh, Harold!” she cried, “this happiness is almost more than I can bear.
To think that you should love me thus--me poor little Olive! Sometimes I
feel--as I once bitterly felt--how unworthy I am of you.”
“Darling! why?”
“Because I have no beauty; and, besides--I cannot speak it, but you
know--you know!”
She hid her face burning with blushes. The words and act revealed how
deeply in her heart lay the sting which had at times tortured her her
whole life through--shame for that personal imperfection with which
Nature had marked her from her birth, and which, forgotten in an hour
by those who learned to love her, still seemed to herself a perpetual
humiliation. The pang came, but only for the last time, ere it quitted
her heart for ever.
For, dispelling all doubts, healing all wounds, fell the words of her
betrothed husband--tender, though grave: “Olive, if you love me, and
believe that I love you, never grieve me by such thoughts again. To me
you are all beautiful--in heart and mind, in form and soul.”
Then, as if silently to count up her beauties, he kissed her little
hands, her soft smiling mouth, her long gold curls. And Olive hid her
face in his breast, murmuring,
“I am content, since I am fair in your sight, my Harold--my only love!”