_House of Commons, Monday, June 15_.--RICHARD CHAMBERLAIN back
to-night, after long absence. Been up the Nile, calling on PTOLEMY and
PHARAOH, and visiting scenes connected with the early life of Brother
JOSEPH. Much enjoyed the trip; entered House to-night full of life and
energy; suddenly pulled up; hair rose; flesh crept; blood chilled.
Was it true? Could it be possible? Yes; no doubt about it. There was
Prince ARTHUR still lounging on Treasury Bench with MADDEN in reserve.
About a score of Members present, including WINDBAG SEXTON, looking on
with his irritating smile of supreme superiority, whilst SAGE of QUEEN
ANNE'S GATE moved rejection of Irish Land Purchase Bill.
[Illustration: Brother Dick]
"Why!" exclaimed Brother DICK, his hair still visibly rising, "when I
was here last, weeks and months ago, they were discussing Irish Land
Bill; Prince ARTHUR sprawled on Treasury Bench; LABBY was denouncing
the Bill as pernicious; and SEXTON, having just sat down and just
going to follow, looked on with sort of pitying toleration of other
people who assumed to know anything of the Bill. Do I dream, or are
there visions about? Think I'll go and pinch JESSE COLLINGS, and see
if I'm awake."
Yes; wide awake; no mistake about the situation; still harping on the
Irish Land Bill; but, thank a merciful Providence, this is the last
night. JOHN MORLEY, who never shrinks from call of duty, rises, and
makes one of those formal, official, somewhat tiresome protests,
recapitulating objections which everyone only too familiar with
through this gruesome spring and saddened summer. Then SAGE OF QUEEN
ANNE'S GATE cracks a few jokes; MORTON appears on scene; attempt made
to Count Out; talk kept going through dinner hour. At eleven o'clock
Prince ARTHUR rises; benches fill up; then, when everyone ready for
Division, strangers in Gallery startled by mighty roar of execration;
looking round with startled gaze in search of explanation, discover at
corner-seat below Gangway a dapper figure uplifted on supernaturally
high-heeled boots, with trousers tightly drawn to display proportions
of limbs that would have made _Sim Tappertit_ green with envy; a black
frock coat, buff waistcoat, coloured tie, a high collar, a wizened
countenance, just now wrinkled with spasmodic contortion, kindly meant
for an ingratiating smile.
This is SEYMOUR KEAY. House may roar at him as the dog that crosses
the Epsom Course when the bell rings for the Derby is howled at. He
has, in return for the contumely, only a smile, a deprecatory wave of
the hand and a speech. House keeps up the roar; KEAY waves his ringed
hand, nods pleasantly at the SPEAKER, and at anything approaching
a lull, shouts half a sentence at top of his voice. For full ten
minutes contest continued. Then SPEAKER rises; KEAY sits down, glad
of interval of rest, and hopeful that SPEAKER is about to rebuke his
interrupters.
"The question is," said the SPEAKER, "that this Bill be now read a
Third Time." Before KEAY realised situation, House is cleared for
Division, and his final speech on Land Purchase Bill remains unspoken.
_Business done._--Irish Land Bill read a Third Time by 225 votes
against 96.
_Tuesday._--GORST gave House to-night thorough surprise. The SQUIRE
of MALWOOD brought on Manipur business; moved Resolution asking for
more papers. Incidentally indicted the Government at home and in
India. GORST put up to reply. An average Minister would have made an
ordinary speech; GORST's reply accepted by common consent as the most
extraordinary ever heard from the Treasury Bench since DIZZY left
it. Instead of evading responsibilities, colouring facts, doing what
Ministers usually do when in a fix, GORST simply, boldly, cynically,
told the truth. The SENAPATTI of MANIPUR was an ambitious, capable,
popular man who might breed mischief for the rule of the EMPRESS
of INDIA. So the SENAPATTI must be got rid of at earliest possible
moment, and in most absolutely complete fashion. Arbitrary this;
tyrannical perhaps; unjust possibly. None of GORST's business to
defend or extenuate it. All he could say was it is not a new thing;
done wherever British flag waves under foreign skies; in New Zealand
with the Maori King; in South Africa with CETEWAYO; in Egypt with
ARABI; in the Soudan with ZEBEHR. "In India," said GORST, leaning his
elbow lightly on the table, "they have always hated and discouraged
independent and original talent; always loved and promoted
mediocrity."
As he finished this pregnant and delightful aphorism, GORST looked up
at the Peers' Gallery, where sat his Chief, GRAND CROSS, successor of
CLIVE in the Government of India. His glance travelled downward, till
it rested on the Treasury Bench, and fell gently on the figure of OLD
MORALITY.
How DIZZY would have delighted in this speech, with this last
exquisite touch! The SQUIRE of MALWOOD, in his secret breast, not less
appreciative; but debate must be kept up, and he joined in the hue
and cry with which Mediocrity resented this fresh and original way
of treating things. Even CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN shook his head. "It is
brilliant," he said, "but it is not discretion."
_Business done._--A good deal.
_Thursday._--Government met with awkward defeat on Factories Bill.
Not quite certain to whom they chiefly owe it, whether to GORST or
MATTHEWS. Question arose on SYDNEY BUXTON's Amendment, raising the
age of child-labourers to a minimum of eleven years. Debate lasted all
night; a pleasant contrast to the unreality of Irish Debate; Benches
crowded; audience interested; speeches practical; GORST in attendance,
though doubtful whether he would speak. Usually sits in modest
retirement under shadow of SPEAKER's Chair. To-night marked slight
difference of opinion from his colleagues by taking up corner-seat on
Treasury Bench by Gangway, quite out of reach of hand-shake from HOME
SECRETARY.
[Illustration: No Relation of Prince Arthur's.]
MUNDELLA, longing to be at MATTHEWS, waiting on Front Opposition
Bench; MATTHEWS, earnestly desiring collision with MUNDELLA, lingered
the long night through on Treasury Bench. At last dragged into arena
by JOHN MORLEY. Painfully conscious of GORST on his right hand. Why
couldn't he go away? Why sit there smiling when MATTHEWS floundered,
and why turn over the pages of the Blue Book with such subtle air
of contradiction when MATTHEWS quoted from proceedings of Berlin
Conference?
As midnight drew on, excitement increased. Uncertain how Division
would go. Rumours of possible defeat of the Government; AKERS-DOUGLAS
moving about smiling; therefore all must be well. House surging with
excitement; movement to and fro; a buzz of conversation rising above
the voice of Member addressing the Chair. Only one placid figure under
the glass roof. Seated in side Gallery facing Treasury Bench was J.S.
BALFOUR; (no relation of Prince ARTHUR's, _bien entendu_) Question
put; Division bell rang; the bustle of eight hundred departing feet
disturbed J.S.B., and, stepping carefully down from the inconveniently
high Bench, he walked out to take part in the Division.
"All very well, dear TOBY," he said, "talking about eleven being the
age for half-timers. Eleven seems to me about the figure at which we
should knock off here. When it gets on to twelve in this hot weather,
I almost feel as if I could go to sleep." _Business done._--SYDNEY
BUXTON's Amendment to Factories Bill carried by 202 Votes against 186.
_Friday._--Question to-night, how would Government take their defeat
of yesterday? Soon settled; at earliest moment MATTHEWS appeared
at table, announced that Government "fully and cordially" accepted
decision of House. It was true that they had resisted, with fullest
strength, SYDNEY BUXTON's proposal. He himself, in powerful speech,
had demonstrated that, if Amendment were added to the Bill, the
heavens would fall, and the British Empire would stagger to its doom.
But that only his play; GORST really obliged to the House for beating
them, and Clause would be added to Bill. Done accordingly. Report
stage of Factories' Bill run through, and Third Reading taken.
Odd thing befell the universe last week. Happening to mention in this
Diary WOOTON ISAACSON, Member for Tower Hamlets, the dissolute Artist
drew fancy portrait of LEWIS ISAACS, Member for Newington; labelled
it from _Dod_, "A Progressive Conservative." Oddly enough, both
ISAACS and ISAACSON write themselves down in _Dod_ "A Progressive
Conservative." So our Artist (occasionally quite clear-headed),
got mixed up with the family; descended, so to speak, from ISAAC to
ISAAC'S SON. Not quite sure to which apology is due. Just as well
to mention it, so that, when the New Zealander reads his _Punch_ a
century or two hence, he may have a clear conception of the actuality.
_Business done_.--Quite a lot.
* * * * *
MORE RUSSIAN TYRANNY.--_Punch_ is not admitted into Russia unless
bound.
* * * * *
"THE SHODKIN."
[In a Jewish divorce case it was alleged that the petitioner
and respondent had been brought together by a "Shodkin." The
Shodkin, it was explained, was a person who brought about
marriages between members of the Jewish community, and was
paid a fee by one or both the parties.]
"I thank thee, Jew, for teaching me that word."--_Merchant of Venice_.
"Give me new rhymes," the poet cries,
"I want another rhyme for 'bodkin,'"
And here comes dropping from the skies
That comfortable word, "the Shodkin."
Long have I racked my brain for rhymes,
I tried to drag in Mr. GODKIN;
On Friday last I read my _Times_,
_Eureka!_ down it goes--the Shodkin.
We live by verse, and how shall we
This Hebrew middle-man disparage,
To whom religion grants a fee,
Paid by both sides, for making marriage?
Nay, Jew, we thank thee for the word,
For Fate two Jews might haply sever;
The busy Shodkin comes as third,
And swiftly makes them one for ever.
* * * * *