Now don't let us have any argument about it, please. It makes no difference
how long you have called the place "Lucerne" or how many of you there are.
It is no good saying that English people and French people call it
"Lucerne" and as victors the Entente have the right to impose their wishes;
and it is no good quoting authorities at me. Luzern calls itself Luzern,
and, to satisfy myself that it is not mistaken on the point, I have
obtained complete corroboration from the _Amtliches Schweizerisches
Kursbuch_, an authority whose very name is enough to make your _Bradshaw_
look silly and shut up.
The avowed object of the PREMIER is to get away from people and politics
and to have at last a little uninterrupted holiday. Probably he counts on
the difficulty of getting at him there, having regard to that terrible bit
of the journey Bern--Luzern, which covers sixty miles, takes three hours
and involves twenty-four stops, even if you take the mid-day express. There
is a train in the afternoon (its number is 5666, and I warn you against it)
which takes four hours, though it only stops twenty-four times also. The
sinister fact is that all the trains on this route stop as often as they
can, which I attribute to that general wave of idleness which is to-day
spreading over Europe. But number 5666 is worse than others; or else it is
getting old and tired. I notice that among the trains doing the return
journey there is no number 5666; I suppose it has just as much as it can do
to get there and that it never does return.
The PREMIER was not far out to count on this protective element, and it is
still the fact that, if you approach Luzern carelessly, it is ninety-nine
to one that you will spend the best years of your young life on that
particular stretch of railway. But nowadays there is a back way round, by
Basel. Be quite firm in asking for your ticket. If the ticket man says,
"You mean Bâle?" or, "You mean Basle?" say, "No, I don't. I mean Basel."
You have me and my friend, _Amtliches Schweizerisches Kursbuch_, behind
you. Stick firmly to your point, and by approaching Luzern from the North
you will approach it by a real express which only takes two hours to do its
sixty miles and hardly stops at all to take breath. So that finishes with
Bern, as to the spelling of which, though you would personally like to see
some more "e's," you now repose confidence in me. Would you like me to
quote my authority?... All right; I won't say it again if it frightens the
children.
In the old days of Peace, Luzern was full of honeymoon couples, and, when
Peace and honeymoons and all that sort of nonsense were put a stop to, it
became full of German interned prisoners of war. It boasts many first-class
hotels. One of them is patronised by the Greek ex-Royal Family. A little
unfortunate; but still you cannot expect to come and enjoy yourself in
Switzerland without the risk of running into an ex-Royal Family every
corner you go round, and, what is more, a Royal Family that wouldn't be ex-
if it wasn't for you. It is a very good hotel, and I recommend it for
anyone who proposes just to pop over here.
Get hold of L.G. while he is not busy and explain to him how thoroughly
misguided all his policies are, especially as to the Near East. My idea is
to group, according to subject and side, all those who intend to get hold
of the PREMIER, while he is alone, and to have a quiet chat with him. I
have my eye on a large hangar on the other side of the Lake, which was
built to house a dirigible and ought to hold the bulk of those who want a
word about Ireland, a place they could put right in five minutes if it was
left to them. Deputations which have some idea of declaring strikes,
general strikes and international strikes, if matters are not arranged to
their liking, will be received between the hours of ten and twelve, and two
and four, at the Kursaal. Saturday afternoons and Sundays will be reserved
for quiet walks. I am mapping out some interesting routes, marking with a
red dot the spots where the PREMIER is likely to stop and admire the view,
and where you can approach him quietly from behind and involve him in an
argument about Russia before he has time to get away.
Image a PREMIER arrived at the end of all the beautiful sights to be seen
locally, inured to all the magnificent scenery around him, and no longer
attracted by the novelty of life abroad, longing, it may be, for just one
touch of home. Then is the moment for the little surprise I am keeping for
him up my sleeve. "Come along to a place close by," I shall say to him, for
I see myself with the whole business well in my hands now; "come along to a
village I know, whose very name will make you feel at home."
Just outside Luzern we stop at Meggen, but it's not that. Kussnacht gets us
well abroad again, and there is nothing particularly homely about Immensee,
Arth-Goldau, Steinen, Schwyz or Brunnen. In fact I can see my PREMIER
getting suspicious and wondering what new political move this may be, when
suddenly there will burst upon his astonished gaze--