_Man._ I am sorry for that----but what's the matter?
Sir _Fran._ I have play'd the fool by this journey, I see now----for my
bitter wife----
_Man._ What of her?
Sir _Fran._ Is playing the devil!
_Man._ Why truly, that's a part that most of your fine ladies begin
with, as soon as they get to _London_.
Sir _Fran._ If I am a living man, cousin, she has made away with above
two hundred and fifty pounds since yesterday morning!
_Man._ Hah! I see a good housewife will do a great deal of work in a
little time.
Sir _Fran._ Work do they call it! fine work indeed!
_Man._ Well, but how do you mean made away with it? What, she has laid
it out, may be----but I suppose you have an account of it.
Sir _Fran._ Yes, yes, I have had the account indeed; but I mun needs
say, it's a very sorry one.
_Man._ Pray, let's hear.
Sir _Fran._ Why, first I let her have an hundred and fifty, to get
things handsom about her, to let the world see that I was somebody! and
I thought that sum very genteel.
_Man._ Indeed I think so; and in the country, might have serv'd her a
twelvemonth.
Sir _Fran._ Why so it might----but here in this fine tawn, forsooth! it
could not get through four and twenty hours----for in half that time,
it was all squandered away in baubles, and new fashion'd trumpery.
_Man._ O! for ladies in _London_, Sir _Francis_, all this might be
necessary.
Sir _Fran._ Noa, theere's the plague on't! the devil o' one useful
thing do I see for it, but two pair of lac'd shoes, and those stond me
in three pound three shillings a pair too.
_Man._ Dear Sir! this is nothing! Why we have city wives here, that
while their good man is selling three penny worth of sugar, will give
you twenty pound for a short apron.
Sir _Fran._ Mercy on us! what a mortal poor devil is a husband!
_Man._ Well, but I hope you have nothing else to complain of?
Sir _Fran._ Ah would I could say so too--but there's another hundred
behind yet, that goes more to my heart, than all that went before it.
_Man._ And how might that be disposed of?
Sir _Fran._ Troth I am almost ashamed to tell you.
_Man._ Out with it.
Sir _Fran._ Why she has been at an assembly.
_Man._ What, since I saw you! I thought you had all supt at home last
night?
Sir _Fran._ Why, so we did----and all as merry as grigs----I'cod! my
heart was so open, that I toss'd another hundred into her apron, to go
out early this morning with----but the cloth was no sooner taken away,
than in comes my Lady _Townly_ here, (----who between you and I----mum!
has had the devil to pay yonder----) with another rantipole dame of
quality, and out they must have her, they said, to introduce her at my
Lady _Noble_'s assembly forsooth----a few words, you may be sure, made
the bargain----so, bawnce! and away they drive as if the devil had got
into the coach box--so about four or five in the morning----home comes
Madam, with her eyes a foot deep in her head----and my poor hundred
pound left behind her at the hazard-table.
_Man._ All lost at dice!
Sir _Fran._ Every shilling----among a parcel of pig-tail puppies, and
pale fac'd women of quality.
_Man._ But pray, Sir _Francis_, how came you, after you found her so
ill an housewife of one sum, so soon to trust her with another?
Sir _Fran._ Why truly I mun say that was partly my own fault: for if
I had not been a blab of my tongue, I believe that last hundred might
have been sav'd.
_Man._ How so?
Sir _Fran._ Why, like an owl as I was, out of goodwill, forsooth,
partly to keep her in humour, I must needs tell her of the thousand
pound a year, I had just got the promise of--I'cod! she lays her claws
upon it that moment----said it was all owing to her advice, and truly
she would have her share on't.
_Man._ What, before you had it yourself?
Sir _Fran._ Why ay! that's what I told her----My dear, said I, mayhap I
mayn't receive the first quarter on't this half year.
_Man._ Sir _Francis_, I have heard you with a great deal of patience,
and I really feel compassion for you.
Sir _Fran._ Truly and well you may cousin, for I don't see that my
wife's goodness is a bit the better, for bringing to _London_.
_Man._ If you remember I gave you a hint of it.
Sir _Fran._ Why ay, it's true you did so: but the devil himself could
not have believ'd she would have rid post to him.
_Man._ Sir, if you stay but a fortnight in this town you will every
day see hundreds as fast upon the gallop, as she is.
Sir _Fran._ Ah! this _London_ is a base place indeed----waunds, if
things should happen to go wrong with me at _Westminster_, at this
rate, how the devil shall I keep out of jail!
_Man._ Why truly, there seems to me but one way to avoid it.
Sir _Fran._ Ah! wou'd you could tell me that, cousin.
_Man._ The way lies plain before you, Sir; the same road that brought
you hither will carry you safe home again.
Sir _Fran._ Ods-flesh! cousin, what! and leave a thousand pound a year
behind me?
_Man._ Pooh! pooh! leave any thing behind you, but your family, and you
are a saver by it.
Sir _Fran._ Ay, but consider, cousin, what a scurvy figure I shall make
in the country, if I come dawn withawt it!
_Man._ You will make a much more lamentable figure in jail without it.
Sir _Fran._ Mayhap 'at yow have no great opinion of it then, cousin?
_Man._ Sir _Francis_, to do you the service of a real friend, I must
speak very plainly to you: you don't yet see half the ruin that's
before you.
Sir _Fran._ Good-lack! how may yow mean, cousin?
_Man._ In one word, your whole affairs stand thus----In a week you'll
lose your seat at _Westminster_: In a fortnight my lady will run you
into jail, by keeping the best company----In four and twenty hours,
your daughter will run away with a sharper, because she han't been
us'd to better company: and your son will steal into marriage with a
cast-mistress, because he has not been us'd to any company at all.
Sir _Fran._ I'th' name of goodness why should you think all this?
_Man._ Because I have proof of it; in short, I know so much of their
secrets, that if all this is not prevented to-night, it will be out of
your power to do it to-morrow morning.
Sir _Fran._ Mercy upon us! you frighten me----Well, Sir, I will be
govern'd by yow: but what am I to do in this case?
_Man._ I have not time here to give you proper instructions; but about
eight this evening, I'll call at your lodgings; and there you shall
have full conviction, how much I have it at heart to serve you.
_Enter a Servant._
_Serv._ Sir, my Lord desires to speak with you.
_Man._ I'll wait upon him.
Sir _Fran._ Well then, I'll go straight home, naw.
_Man._ At eight depend upon me.
Sir _Fran._ Ah! dear cousin! I shall be bound to you as long as I live.
Mercy deliver us! what a terrible journey have I made on't!
[_Exeunt severally._
_The +SCENE+ opens to a dressing room. Lady ~Townly~, as just up,
walks to her toilet, leaning on Mrs. ~Trusty~._
_Trusty._ Dear Madam, what should make your Ladyship so out of order!
Lady _Town._ How is it possible to be well, where one is kill'd for
want of sleep?
_Trusty._ Dear me! it was so long before you rung, Madam, I was in
hopes your Ladyship had been finely compos'd.
Lady _Town._ Compos'd! why I have laid in an inn here! this house
is worse than an inn with ten stage-coaches! What between my lord's
impertinent people of business in a morning, and the intolerable thick
shoes of footmen at noon, one has not a wink all night.
_Trusty._ Indeed, Madam, it's a great pity my Lord can't be persuaded
into the hours of people of quality----Though I must say that, Madam,
your Ladyship is certainly the best matrimonial manager in town.
Lady _Town._ Oh! you are quite mistaken, _Trusty_! I manage very ill!
for notwithstanding all the power I have, by never being over-fond of
my lord----yet I want money infinitely oftener than he is willing to
give it me.
_Trusty._ Ah, if his lordship could but be brought to play himself,
Madam, then he might feel what it is to want money.
Lady _Town._ Oh! don't talk of it! do you know that I am undone,
_Trusty_?
_Trusty._ Mercy forbid, Madam!
Lady _Town._ Broke! ruin'd! plunder'd!----stripp'd, even to a
confiscation of my last guinea.
_Trusty._ You don't tell me so, Madam!
Lady _Townly._ And where to raise ten pound in the world----What is to
be done _Trusty_?
_Trusty._ Truly, I wish I was wise enough to tell you, Madam: but may
be your ladyship may have a run of better fortune, upon some of the
good company that comes here to-night.
Lady _Town._ But I have not a single guinea to try my fortune!
_Trusty._ Ha! that's a bad business indeed, Madam--Adad! I have a
thought in my head, Madam, if it is not too late----
Lady _Town._ Out with it quickly then, I beseech thee?
_Trusty._ Has not the steward something of fifty pound, Madam, that you
left in his hands to pay somebody about this time?
Lady _Town._ O! ay! I had forgot--'twas to--a--what's his filthy name?
_Trusty._ Now I remember, Madam, 'twas to Mr. _Lutestring_, your old
mercer, that your ladyship turn'd off, about a year ago, because he
would trust you no longer.
Lady _Town._ The very wretch! if he has not paid it, run quickly, dear
_Trusty_, and bid him bring it hither immediately----[_Exit ~Trusty~._]
Well! sure mortal woman never had such fortune! five! five, and nine,
against poor seven for ever!----No! after that horrid bar of my chance,
that Lady _Wronghead_'s fatal red fist upon the table, I saw it was
impossible, ever to win another stake----Sit up all night! lose all
one's money! dream of winning thousands! wake without a shilling! and
then how like a hag I look! In short----the pleasures of life are not
worth this disorder! If it were not for shame now, I could almost
think, Lady _Grace_'s sober scheme not quite so ridiculous----If my
wise lord could but hold his tongue for a week, 'tis odds, but I should
hate the town in a fortnight----But I will not be driven out of it,
that's positive!
[_~Trusty~ returns._
_Trusty._ O Madam! there is no bearing it! Mr. _Lutestring_ was just
let in at the door, as I came to the stair-foot! and the steward is now
actually paying him the money in the hall.
Lady _Town._ Run to the stair case head, again----and scream to him,
that I must speak with him this instant.
[_~Trusty~ runs out, and speaks._
_Trusty._ Mr. _Poundage_----a hem! Mr. }
_Poundage_, a word with you quickly. }
}
_Pound._ [_Within._] I'll come to you presently. }
}
_Trusty._ Presently won't do, man, you must }
come this minute. } _Without._
}
_Pound._ I am but just paying a little money, }
here. }
}
_Trusty._ Cods my life! paying money? is }
the man distracted? come here I tell you, }
to my lady, this moment, quick! }
[_~Trusty~ returns._