[_~Moody~ goes out, and returns._
_John Moody._ Ods Flesh! here's Master _Monly_ come to wait upo' your
Worship!
Sir _Fran._ Wheere is he?
_John Moody._ Just coming in at threshould.
Sir _Fran._ Then goa about your Business.
[_Ex. ~Moody~._
_Enter ~Manly~._
Cousin _Monly._ Sir, I am your very humble servant.
_Man._ I heard you were come, Sir _Francis_--and--
Sir _Fran._ Ods-heart! this was so kindly done of you naw.
_Man._ I wish you may think it so, Cousin! for I confess, I should have
been better-pleas'd to have seen you in any other place.
Sir _Fran._ How soa, Sir?
_Man._ Nay, 'tis for your own sake: I'm not concern'd.
Sir _Fran._ Look you, Cousin! thof' I know you wish me well; yet I
don't question I shall give you such weighty reasons for what I have
done, that you will say, Sir, this is the wisest Journey that ever I
made in my life.
_Man._ I think it ought to be, Cousin; for I believe, you will find
it the most expensive one--your Election did not cost you a trifle, I
suppose.
Sir _Fran._ Why ay! it's true! That--that did lick a little; but if a
man's wise, (and I han't fawn'd yet that I'm a fool) there are ways,
Cousin, to lick one's self whole again.
_Man._ Nay if you have that secret----
Sir _Fran._ Don't you be fearful, Cousin----you'll find that I know
something.
_Man._ If it be any thing for your good, I should be glad to know it
too.
Sir _Fran._ In short then, I have a friend in a corner, that has let me
a little into what's what, at _Westminster_----that's one thing.
_Man._ Very well! but what good is that to do you?
Sir _Fran._ Why not me, as much as it does other folks?
_Man._ Other people, I doubt, have the advantage of different
qualifications.
Sir _Fran._ Why ay! there's it naw! you'll say that I have lived all my
days i'the country----what then----I'm o'the _Quorum_----I have been at
Sessions, and I have made Speeches there! ay, and at Vestry too----and
may hap they may find here,----that I have brought my tongue up to town
with me! D'ye take me, naw?
_Man._ If I take your case right, Cousin; I am afraid the first
occasion you will have for your eloquence here, will be, to shew that
you have any right to make use of it at all.
Sir _Fran._ How d'ye mean?
_Man._ That Sir _John Worthland_ has lodg'd a Petition against you.
Sir _Fran._ Petition! why ay! there let it lie----we'll find a way to
deal with that, I warrant you!----why, you forget, Cousin, Sir _John_'s
o'the wrong side, Mon.
_Man._ I doubt Sir _Francis_, that will do you but little service; for
in cases very notorious (which I take yours to be) there is such a
thing as a short day, and dispatching them immediately.
Sir _Fran._ With all my heart! the sooner I send him home again the
better.
_Man._ And this is the scheme you have laid down, to repair your
fortune?
Sir _Fran._ In one word, Cousin, I think it my duty! the _Wrongheads_
have been a considerable Family, ever since _England_ was _England_;
and since the World knows I have talents where withal, they shan't say
it's my fault, if I don't make as good a figure as any that ever were
at the head on't.
_Man._ Nay! this project, as you have laid it, will come up to any
thing your Ancestors have done these five hundred years.
Sir _Fran._ And let me alone to work it! mayhap I hav'n't told you all,
neither----
_Man._ You astonish me! what! and is it full as practicable as what you
have told me!
Sir _Fran._ Ay! thof' I say it----every whit, Cousin? you'll find that
I have more irons i'the fire than one! I doan't come of a fool's errand!
_Man._ Very well.
Sir _Fran._ In a word, my wife has got a friend at Court, as well as
myself, and her daughter _Jenny_ is naw pretty well grown up----
_Man._ [_Aside._]--And what in the Devil's name would he do with the
Dowdy?
Sir _Fran._ Naw, if I doan't lay in for a husband for her, mayhap
i'this Tawn, she may be looking out for herself----
_Man._ Not unlikely.
Sir _Fran._ Therefore I have some thoughts of getting her to be Maid of
Honour.
_Man._ [_Aside._]--Oh! he has taken my breath away! but I must hear
him out----Pray, Sir _Francis_, do you think her education has yet
qualified her for a Court?
Sir _Fran._ Why, the Girl is a little too mettlesome, it's true! but
she has tongue enough: She woan't be dasht! Then she shall learn to
daunce forthwith, and that will soon teach her how to stond still, you
know.
_Man._ Very well; but when she is thus accomplish'd, you must still
wait for a vacancy.
Sir _Fran._ Why I hope one has a good chance for that every day,
Cousin! For if I take it right, that's a post, that folks are not
more willing to get into, than they are to get out of--It's like an
Orange-tree, upon that accawnt----it will bear blossoms, and fruit
that's ready to drop, at the same time.
_Man._ Well, Sir, you best know how to make good your pretensions! But
pray where is my Lady, and my young Cousins? I should be glad to see
them too.
Sir _Fran._ She is but just taking a dish of tea with the Count, and my
Landlady--I'll call her dawn.
_Man._ No, no, if she's engag'd, I shall call again.
Sir _Fran._ Ods-heart! but you mun see her naw, Cousin; what! the
best Friend I have in the World!----Here! Sweet-heart! [_To a Servant
without._] pr'ythee desire my Lady, and the Gentleman to come down a
bit; tell her here's Cousin _Manly_ come to wait upon her.
_Man._ Pray, Sir, who may the Gentleman be?
Sir _Fran._ You mun know him to be sure; why it's Count _Basset_.
_Man._ Oh! is it he?--Your Family will be infinitely happy in his
acquaintance.
Sir _Fran._ Troth! I think so too: He's the civilest Man that ever I
knew in my life----why! here he would go out of his own lodging, at an
hour's warning, purely to oblige my family. Wasn't that kind, naw?
_Man._ Extremely civil--the Family is in admirable hands already.
Sir _Fran._ Then my Lady likes him hugely--all the time of _York_
Races, she would never be without him.
_Man._ That was happy, indeed! and a prudent Man, you know, should
always take care that his Wife may have innocent company.
Sir _Fran._ Why ay! that's it! and I think there could not be such
another.
_Man._ Why truly, for her purpose, I think not.
Sir _Fran._ Only naw and tan, he--he stonds a leetle too much upon
ceremony; that's his fault.
_Man._ O never fear! he'll mend that every day----Mercy on us! what a
head he has!
Sir _Fran._ So! here they come!
_Enter Lady ~Wronghead~, Count ~Basset~, and Mrs. ~Motherly~._
Lady _Wrong._ Cousin _Manly_! this is infinitely obliging! I am
extremely glad to see you.
_Man._ Your most obedient Servant, Madam; I am glad to see your
Ladyship look so well, after your Journey.
Lady _Wrong._ Why really! coming to _London_ is apt to put a little
more life in one's looks.
_Man._ Yet the way of living here, is very apt to deaden the
complexion----and give me leave to tell you, as a friend, Madam, you
are come to the worst place in the world, for a good woman to grow
better in.
Lady _Wrong._ Lord, Cousin! how should people ever make any figure in
life, that are always moap'd up in the country?
Count _Bas._ Your Ladyship certainly takes the thing in a quite right
light, Madam: Mr. _Manly_, your humble Servant----a hem.
_Man._ Familiar Puppy. [_Aside._] Sir, your most obedient----I must be
civil to the Rascal, to cover my suspicion of him.
[_Aside._
Count _Bas._ Was you at _White_'s this morning, Sir?
_Man._ Yes, Sir, I just call'd in.
Count _Bas._ Pray--what--was there any thing done there?
_Man._ Much as usual, Sir; the same daily carcases, and the same crows
about them.
Count _Bas._ The _Demoivre_-Baronet had a bloody tumble yesterday.
_Man._ I hope, Sir, you had your share of him.
Count _Bas._ No, faith! I came in when it was all over----I think I
just made a couple of Bets with him, took up a cool hundred, and so
went to the _King's Arms_.
Lady _Wrong._ What a genteel, easy manner he has!
[_Aside._
_Man._ A very hopeful acquaintance I have made here.
[_Aside._
_Enter Squire ~Richard~, with a wet brown Paper on his
face._
Sir _Fran._ How naw, _Dick_! what's the matter with thy forehead, Lad?
Squ. _Rich._ I ha' gotten a knuck upon't.
Lady _Wrong._ And how did you come by it, you heedless creature?
Squ. _Rich._ Why, I was but running after sister, and t'other young
woman, into a little room just naw: and so with that, they flapt the
door full in my feace, and gave me such a whurr here--I thought they
had beaten my brains out! so I gut a dab of wet brown paper here, to
swage it a while.
Lady _Wrong._ They serv'd you right enough! will you never have done
with your horse-play?
Sir _Fran._ Pooh! never heed it, Lad! it will be well by to-morrow--the
Boy has a strong head!
_Man._ Yes, truly, his skull seems to be of a comfortable thickness.
[_Aside._
Sir _Fran._ Come, _Dick_, here's Cousin _Manly_----Sir, this is your
God-son.
Lady _Wrong._ Oh! here's my daughter too.
_Enter Miss ~Jenny~._
Squ. _Rich._ Honour'd Gudfeyther! I crave leave to ask your blessing.
_Man._ Thou hast it, Child----and if it will do thee any good, may it
be to make thee, at least, as wise a man as thy father.
Lady _Wrong._ Miss _Jenny_! don't you see your cousin, Child?
_Man._ And for thee, my pretty Dear--[_Salutes her._] may'st thou be,
at least, as good a woman as thy mother.
_Jenny._ I wish I may ever be so handsome, Sir.
_Man._ Hah! Miss Pert! Now that's a thought, that seems to have been
hatcht in the girl on this side _Highgate_.
[_Aside._
Sir _Fran._ Her tongue is a little nimble, Sir.
Lady _Wrong._ That's only from her country education, Sir _Francis_.
You know she has been kept too long there----so I brought her to
_London_, Sir, to learn a little more reserve and modesty.
_Man._ O, the best place in the world for it--every woman she meets
will teach her something of it----There's the good gentlewoman of the
house, looks like a knowing person; even she perhaps will be so good as
to shew her a little _London_ behaviour.
_Moth._ Alas, Sir, Miss won't stand long in need of my instructions.
_Man._ That I dare say: What thou can'st teach her, she will soon be
Mistress of.
[_Aside._
_Moth._ If she does, Sir, they shall always be at her service.
Lady _Wrong._ Very obliging indeed, Mrs. _Motherly_.
Sir _Fran._ Very kind and civil, truly----I think we are got into a
mighty good hawse here.
_Man._ O yes, and very friendly company.
Count _Bas._ Humh! I'gad I don't like his looks----he seems a little
smoky----I believe I had as good brush off----If I stay, I don't know
but he may ask me some odd questions.
_Man._ Well, Sir, I believe you and I do but hinder the family----
Count _Bas._ It's very true, Sir--I was just thinking of going----He
don't care to leave me, I see: But it's no matter, we have time enough.
[_Aside._] And so Ladies, without ceremony, your humble Servant.
[_Exit Count ~Basset~, and drops a Letter._
Lady _Wrong._ Ha! what Paper's this? Some Billet-doux I'll lay my life,
but this is no place to examine it.
[_Puts it in her Pocket._
Sir _Fran._ Why in such haste, Cousin?
_Man._ O! my Lady must have a great many affairs upon her hands, after
such a journey.
Lady _Wrong._ I believe, Sir, I shall not have much less every day,
while I stay in this town, of one sort or other.
_Man._ Why truly, Ladies seldom want employment here, Madam.
_Jenny._ And Mamma did not come to it to be idle, Sir.
_Man._ Nor you neither, I dare say, my young Mistress.
_Jenny._ I hope not, Sir.
_Man._ Ha! Miss Mettle!----Where are you going Sir?
Sir _Fran._ Only to see you to the door, Sir.
_Man._ Oh! Sir Francis, I love to come and go, without ceremony.
Sir _Fran._ Nay, Sir, I must do as you will have me--your humble
Servant.
[_Exit ~Manly~._
_Jenny._ This Cousin _Manly_, Papa, seems to be but of an odd sort of a
crusty humour----I don't like him half so well as the Count.
Sir _Fran._ Pooh! that's another thing, Child----Cousin is a little
proud indeed! but however you must always be civil to him, for he has a
deal of money; and no body knows who he may give it to.
Lady _Wrong._ Pshah; a fig for his money, you have so many projects
of late about money, since you are a Parliament Man: What! we must
make ourselves slaves to his impertinent humours, eight, or ten years
perhaps, in hopes to be his heirs, and then he will be just old enough
to marry his maid.
_Moth._ Nay, for that matter, Madam, the town says he is going to be
married already.
Sir _Fran._ Who? Cousin _Manly_?
Lady _Wrong._ To whom, pray?
_Moth._ Why, is it possible your Ladyship should know nothing of
it!----to my Lord _Townly_'s sister, Lady _Grace_.
Lady _Wrong._ Lady _Grace_?
_Moth._ Dear Madam, it has been in the New-Papers!
Lady _Wrong._ I don't like that neither.
Sir _Fran._ Naw, I do; for then it's likely it mayn't be true.
Lady _Wrong._ [_Aside._] If it is not too far gone; at least it may be
worth one's while to throw a rub in his way.
Squ. _Rich._ Pray, Feyther, haw lung will it be to supper?
Sir _Fran._ Odso! that's true! step to the Cook, Lad, and ask what she
can get us?
_Moth._ If you please, Sir, I'll order one of my maids to shew her
where she may have any thing you have a mind to.
Sir _Fran._ Thank you kindly, Mrs. _Motherly_.
Squ. _Rich._ Ods-flesh! what, is not it i'the hawse yet----I shall be
famisht----but howld! I'll go and ask _Doll_, an there's none o'the
goose poy left.
Sir _Fran._ Do so, and do'st hear, _Dick_----see if there's e'er a
bottle o'th' strong beer that came i'th' coach with us----if there be,
clap a toast in it, and bring it up.
Squ. _Rich._ With a little nutmeg and sugar, shawn't I, Feyther?
Sir _Fran._ Ay! ay! as thee and I always drink it for breakfast--Go
thy ways!----and I'll fill a pipe i'th' mean while. [_Takes one from a
Pocket-Case, and fills it._]
[_Exit Squ. ~Rich~._
Lady _Wrong._ This Boy is always thinking of his belly!
Sir _Fran._ Why my Dear, you may allow him to be a little hungry after
his journey.
Lady _Wrong._ Nay, ev'n breed him your own way--He has been cramming in
or out of the coach all this day I am sure--I wish my poor Girl could
eat a quarter as much.
_Jenny._ O for that I could eat a great deal more, Mamma; but then
mayhap, I should grow coarse, like him, and spoil my shape.
Lady _Wrong._ Ay, so thou would'st, my Dear.
_Enter Squire ~Richard~ with a full Tankard._
Squ. _Rich._ Here, Feyther, I ha' browght it----it's well I went as I
did; for our _Doll_ had just bak'd a toast, and was going to drink it
herself.
Sir _Fran._ Why then, here's to thee, _Dick_!
[_Drinks._
Squ. _Rich._ Thonk yow, Feyther.
Lady _Wrong._ Lord! Sir _Francis_! I wonder you can encourage the Boy
to swill so much of that lubberly liquor----it's enough to make him
quite stupid.
Squ. _Rich._ Why it never hurts me, Mother; and I sleep like a hawnd
after it.
[_Drinks._
Sir _Fran._ I am sure I ha' drunk it these thirty years, and by your
leave, Madam, I don't know that I want wit: Ha! ha!
_Jenny._ But you might have had a great deal more, Papa, if you would
have been govern'd by my Mother.
Sir _Fran._ Daughter! he that is governed by his Wife, has no wit at
all.
_Jenny._ Then I hope I shall marry a fool, Sir; for I love to govern
dearly.
Sir _Fran._ You are too pert, child; it don't do well in a young woman.
Lady _Wrong._ Pray, Sir _Francis_, don't snub her; she has a fine
growing spirit, and if you check her so, you will make her as dull as
her brother there.
Squ. _Rich._ [_After a long draught._] Indeed, Mother, I think my
sister is too forward!
_Jenny._ You! you think I'm too forward! sure! Brother Mud! your head's
too heavy to think of any thing but your Belly.
Lady _Wrong._ Well said, Miss; he's none of your Master, tho' he is
your elder Brother.
Squ. _Rich._ No, nor she shawn't be my Mistress, while she's younger
sister!
Sir _Fran._ Well said _Dick_! Shew 'em that stawt liquor makes a stawt
heart, Lad!
Squ. _Rich._ So I wull! and I'll drink ageen, for all her!
[_Drinks._
_Enter ~John Moody~._
Sir _Fran._ So _John_! how are the horses!
_John Moody._ Troth, Sir, I ha' noa good opinion o' this tawn, it's
made up o' mischief, I think!
Sir _Fran._ What's the matter naw?
_John Moody._ Why I'll tell your Worship----before we were gotten to
th' street end, with the coach, here, a great lugger-headed cart, with
wheels as thick as a brick wall, laid hawld on't, and has poo'd it aw
to bits; crack! went the perch! Down goes the coach! and whang! says
the glasses, all to shivers! Marcy upon us! and this be _London_! would
we were aw weell in the country ageen!
_Jenny._ What have you to do, to wish us all in the country again,
Mr. Lubber? I hope we shall not go into the country again these seven
years, Mamma; let twenty coaches be pull'd to pieces.
Sir _Fran._ Hold your tongue, _Jenny_!----Was _Roger_ in no fault, in
all this?
_John Moody._ Noa, Sir, nor I, noather----are not yow asheam'd, says
_Roger_ to the carter, to do such an unkind thing by strangers? Noa,
says he, you Bumkin. Sir, he did the thing on very purpose! and so the
folks said that stood by--Very well, says _Roger_, yow shall see what
our Meyster will say to ye! Your Meyster? says he; your Meyster may
kiss my--and so he clapt his hand just there, and like your Worship.
Flesh! I thought they had better breeding in this tawn.
Sir _Fran._ I'll teach this rascal some, I'll warrant him! Odsbud! if I
take him in hand, I'll play the Devil with him.
Squ. _Rich._ Ay do, Feyther; have him before the Parliament.
Sir _Fran._ Odsbud! and so I will----I will make him know who I am!
Where does he live?
_John Moody._ I believe, in _London_, Sir.
Sir _Fran._ What's the Rascal's name!
_John Moody._ I think I heard somebody call him _Dick_.
Squ. _Rich._ What, my name!
Sir _Fran._ Where did he go?
_John Moody._ Sir, he went home.
Sir _Fran._ Where's that?
_John Moody._ By my troth, Sir, I doan't know! I heard him say he would
cross the same street again to-morrow; and if we had a mind to stand in
his way, he wou'd pool us over and over again.
Sir _Fran._ Will he so! Odszooks! get me a Constable.
Lady _Wrong._ Pooh! get you a good supper. Come, Sir _Francis_, don't
put yourself in a heat for what can't be helpt. Accidents will happen
to people that travel abroad to see the world----For my part, I think
it's a mercy it was not overturn'd before we were all out on't.
Sir _Fran._ Why ay, that's true again, my Dear.
Lady _Wrong._ Therefore see to-morrow if we can buy one at second-hand,
for present use; so bespeak a new one, and then all's easy.
_John Moody._ Why troth, Sir, I doan't think this could have held you
above a day longer.
Sir _Fran._ D'ye think so, _John_?
_John Moody._ Why you ha' had it, ever since your Worship were High
Sheriff.
Sir _Fran._ Why then go and see what _Doll_ has got us for supper--and
come and get off my boots.
[_Exit Sir ~Fran~._
Lady _Wrong._ In the mean time, Miss, do you step to _Handy_, and bid
her get me some fresh night-clothes.
[_Exit Lady ~Wrong~._
_Jenny._ Yes, Mamma, and some for myself too.
[_Exit ~Jenny~._
Squ. _Rich._ Ods-flesh! and what mun I do all alone?
I'll e'en seek out where t'other pretty Miss is, And she and I'll go
play at cards for kisses.
[_Exit._
+ACT+ III. +SCENE+ I.
+SCENE+, _the Lord_ Townly's _House_.
_Enter Lord ~Townly~, a Servant attending._
Lord _Town._ Who's there!
_Serv._ My Lord.
Lord _Town._ Bid them get dinner----Lady _Grace_, your Servant.
_Enter Lady ~Grace~._
Lady _Grace._ What, is the house up already? My Lady is not drest yet!
Lord _Town._ No matter--it's three o'clock--she may break my rest, but
she shall not alter my hours.
Lady _Grace._ Nay, you need not fear that now, for she dines abroad.
Lord _Town._ That, I suppose, is only an excuse for her not being ready
yet.
Lady _Grace._ No, upon my word, she is engaged to company.
Lord _Town._ Where, pray?
Lady _Grace._ At my Lady _Revel_'s; and you know they never dine 'till
supper-time.
Lord _Town._ No truly----she is one of those orderly Ladies, who never
let the sun shine upon any of their vices!----But pr'ythee, Sister,
what humour is she in to-day?
Lady _Grace._ O! in tip-top spirits, I can assure you----she won a good
deal, last night.
Lord _Town._ I know no difference between her winning or losing, while
she continues her course of life.
Lady _Grace._ However she is better in good Humour, than bad.
Lord _Town._ Much alike: When she is in good humour, other people only
are the better for it: When in a very ill humour, then, indeed, I
seldom fail to have my share of her.
Lady _Grace._ Well, we won't talk of that now----Does any body dine
here?
Lord _Town._ _Manly_ promis'd me--by the way, Madam, what do you think
of his last conversation?
Lady _Grace._----I am a little at a stand about it.
Lord _Town._ How so?
Lady _Grace._ Why----I don't know how he can ever have any thoughts of
me, that could lay down such severe rules upon wives, in my hearing.
Lord _Town._ Did you think his rules unreasonable?
Lady _Grace._ I can't say I did: But he might have had a little more
complaisance before me, at least.
Lord _Town._ Complaisance is only a proof of good breeding: But his
plainness was a certain proof of his honesty; nay, of his good opinion
of you: For he would never have open'd himself so freely, but in
confidence that your good sense could not be disobliged at it.
Lady _Grace._ My good opinion of him, Brother, has hitherto been guided
by yours: But I have receiv'd a letter this morning that shews him a
very different Man from what I thought him.
Lord _Town._ A letter from whom?
Lady _Grace._ That I don't know, but there it is.
[_Gives a Letter._
Lord _Town._ Pray let's see.
[_Reads._
_The Inclos'd, Madam, fell accidentally into my hands; if it no way
concerns you, you will only have the trouble of reading this,
from your sincere Friend and humble Servant, Unknown_, &c.
Lady _Grace._ And this was the inclos'd.
[_Giving another._