Lady _Headpiece_.
Miss _Betty_, her daughter.
Lady _Arabella_, wife to Lord _Loverule_.
_Clarinda_, a young unmarried lady.
Mrs. _Motherly_, one that lets lodgings.
_Martilla_, her niece.
A
=Journey= _to_ =London=.
+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I.
+SCENE+ _Uncle_ Richard's _House_.
_Uncle ~Richard~ solus._
What prudent cares does this deep foreseeing nation take, for the
support of its worshipful families! In order to which, and that they
may not fail to be always significant and useful in their country, it
is a settled foundation-point that every child that is born shall be a
beggar----except one; and that he----shall be a fool----My grandfather
was bred a fool, as the country report: my father was a fool,----as
my mother used to say; my brother was a fool, to my own knowledge,
though a great justice of the peace; and he has left a son, that will
make his son a fool, or I am mistaken. The lad is now fourteen years
old, and but just out of his Psalter. As to his honour'd father, my
much esteem'd nephew, here I have him. [_Shewing a letter._] In this
proprofound epistle (which I have just now received) there is the top
and bottom of him. Forty years and two is the age of him; in which it
is computed by his butler, his own person has drank two and thirty ton
of ale. The rest of his time has been employed in persecuting all the
poor four-legg'd creatures round, that wou'd but run away fast enough
from him, to give him the high-mettled pleasure of running after them.
In this noble employ he has broke his right arm, his left leg, and both
his collar-bones----Once he broke his neck, but that did him no harm:
A nimble hedge leaper, a brother of the stirrup that was by, whipt off
his horse and mended it. His estate being left him with two jointures,
and three weighty mortgages upon it, he to make all easy, and pay his
brother's and sister's portions, married a profuse young housewife for
love, with never a penny of money. Having done all this, like his brave
ancestors, for the support of the family, he now finds children and
interest money make such a bawling about his ears, that he has taken
the friendly advice of his neighbour, the good Lord _Courtlove_, to run
his estate two thousand pounds more in debt, that he may retrieve his
affairs by being a parliament-man, and bringing his wife to _London_,
to play off an hundred pounds at dice with ladies of quality, before
breakfast.
But let me read this wiseacre's letter once over again.
Most Honoured Uncle,
_I do not doubt but you have much rejoiced at my success, in my
election; it has cost me some money, I own: but what of all that! I am
a parliament-man, and that will set all to rights. I have lived in the
country all my days, 'tis true; but what then! I have made speeches at
the sessions, and in the vestry too, and can elsewhere perhaps, as well
as some others that do; and I have a noble friend hard by, who has let
me into some small knowledge of what's what at ~Westminster~. And so
that I may always be at hand to serve my country, I have consulted with
my wife, about taking a house at ~London~, and bringing her and my
family up to town; which, her opinion is, will be the rightest thing in
the world._
My wife's opinion about bringing her to _London_! I'll read no more of
thee----Beast.
[_Strikes the letter down with his stick._
_Enter ~James~ hastily._
_James._ Sir, Sir, do you hear the news? they are all a-coming.
Unc. _Rich._ Ay, sirrah, I hear it with a pox to it.
_James._ Sir, here's _John Moody_ arriv'd already; he's stumping about
the streets in his dirty boots, and asking every man he meets, if they
can tell where he may have a good lodging for a parliament-man, 'till
he can hire such a house as becomes him; he tells them his lady and all
the family are coming too, and that they are so nobly attended, they
care not a fig for any body. Sir, they have added two cart-horses to
the four old geldings, because my lady will have it said, she came to
town in her coach and six, and (ha, ha,) heavy _George_ the plowman
rides postillion.
Unc. _Rich._ Very well; the journey begins as it shou'd do----_James_.
_James._ Sir.
Unc. _Rich._ Dost know whether they bring all the children with them?
_James._ Only 'Squire _Humphry_, and Miss _Betty_, Sir; the other six
are put to board at half a crown a week a head, with _Joan Growse_, at
_Smoke-Dunghill_ farm.
Unc. _Rich._ The Lord have mercy upon all good folks! what work will
these people make! dost know when they'll be here?
_James._ _John_ says, Sir, they'd have been here last night, but that
the old wheezy-belly horse tir'd, and the two fore-wheels came crash
down at once in _Waggonrut_-lane. Sir, they were cruelly loaden, as I
understand; my lady herself, he says, laid on four mail trunks, besides
the great deal-box, which fat _Tom_ sat upon behind.
Unc. _Rich._ Soh!
_James._ Then within the coach there was Sir _Francis_, my Lady, and
the great fat lap-dog, 'Squire _Humphry_, Miss _Betty_, my Lady's maid
Mrs. Handy, and _Doll Tripe_ the cook; but she puked with sitting
backward, so they mounted her into the coach-box.
Unc. _Rich._ Very well.
_James._ Then, Sir, for fear of a famine, before they should get to the
baiting-place, there was such baskets of plumb-cake, Dutch-gingerbread,
Cheshire-cheese, Naples-biscuits, Macaroons, Neats-tongues, and cold
boil'd beef----and in case of sickness, such bottles of usquebaugh,
black cherry-brandy, cinamon-water, sack, tent, and strong beer, as
made the old coach crack again.
Unc. _Rich._ Well said!
_James._ And for defence of this good cheer, and my Lady's little pearl
necklace, there was the family basket-hilt sword, the great Turkish
cimiter, the old blunderbuss, a good bag of bullets, and a great horn
of gunpowder.
Unc. _Rich._ Admirable!
_James._ Then for band-boxes, they were so bepiled up to Sir
_Francis_'s nose, that he could only peep out at a chance hole with one
eye, as if he were viewing the country thro' a perspective glass. But,
Sir, if you please, I'll go look after _John Moody_ a little for fear
of accidents: For he never was in _London_ before, you know, but one
week, and then he was kidnapp'd into a house of ill repute, where he
exchang'd all his money and clothes for a----um. So I'll go look after
him, Sir.
[_Exit._
Unc. _Rich._ Nay, I don't doubt but this wise expedition will be
attended with more adventures than one.----This noble head, and
supporter of his family, will, as an honest country gentleman, get
credit enough amongst the tradesmen, to run so far in debt in one
session, as will make him just fit for a gaol, when he's drop'd at
the next election. He will make his speeches in the house to shew the
government of what importance he can be to them, by which they will
see, he can be of no importance at all; and he will find in time, that
he stands valued at (if he votes right) being sometimes----invited to
dinner. Then his wife (who has ten times more of a jade about her than
he yet knows of) will so improve in this rich soil, she will, in one
month, learn every vice the finest lady in the town can teach her. She
will be extremely courteous to the fops who make love to her in jest,
and she will be extremely grateful to those who do it in earnest. She
will visit all ladies that will let her into their houses, and she
will run in debt to all the shopkeepers that will let her into their
books. In short, before her husband has got five pound by a speech at
_Westminster_, she will have lost five hundred at cards and dice in the
parish of _St. James_'s. Wife and family to _London_ with a pox!
[_Going off._
_Enter ~James~ and ~John Moody~._
_James._ Dear _John Moody_, I'm so glad to see you in London once more.
_John Moody._ And I you, my dear _James_: Give me a kiss----Why that's
friendly.
_James._ I wish they had been so, _John_, that you met with when you
were here before.
_John Moody._ Ah----Murrain upon all rogues and whores, I say: But I am
grown so cunning now, the de'el himself can't handle me. I have made a
notable bargain for these lodgings here, we are to pay but five pounds
a week, and have all the house to ourselves.
_James._ Where are the people that belong to it to be then?
_John Moody._ O! there's only the gentlewoman, her two maids, and a
cousin, a very pretty civil young woman truly, and the maids are the
merriest griggs----
_James._ Have a care, _John_.
_John Moody._ O, fear nothing, we did so play together last night.
_James._ Hush, here comes my master.
_Enter Uncle ~Richard~._
Unc. _Rich._ What! _John_ has taken these lodgings, has he?
_James._ Yes, Sir, he has taken 'em.
Unc. _Rich._ Oh John! how dost do, honest John? I am glad to see thee
with all my heart.
_John Moody._ I humbly thank your worship. I'm staut still, and a
faithful awd servant to th' family. Heaven prosper aw that belong to't.
Unc. _Rich._ What, they are all upon the road?
_John Moody._ As mony as the awd coach wou'd hauld, Sir: the Lord send
'em well to tawn.
Unc. _Rich._ And well out on't again, John, ha!
_John Moody._ Ah, Sir! you are a wise man, so am I: home's home, I say.
I wish we get any good here. I's sure we got little upo' the road.
Some mischief or other aw the day long. Slap goes one thing, crack
goes another; my Lady cries out for driving fast: The awd cattle are
for going slow; _Roger_ whips, they stand still and kick; nothing but
a sort of a contradiction aw the journey long. My Lady wou'd gladly
have been here last night, Sir, tho' there was no lodging got; but her
Ladyship said, she did naw care for that, she'd lie in the inn where
the horses stood, as long as it was in London.