_Col._ Nay, you may tell him yourself, for here he comes.
+SCENE+ IV.
_Enter the Baron ~de Messy~._
Sir, I'm your most humble Servant, and ask you a thousand pardons that
I should live so long in your neighbourhood, and come upon such an
occasion as this to pay you my first respects.
Mr. _Barn._ It is very well, Sir; but I think people may be very good
neighbours without visiting one another.
_Baron._ Pray how do you like our _country_?
Mr. _Barn._ Not at all, I'm quite tired on't.
_Marq._ Is it not the Baron? [_Aside._] it is certainly he.
_Baron._ How; my dear Marquis! let me embrace you.
_Marq._ My dear Baron, let me kiss you.
[_They run and embrace._
_Baron._ We have not seen one another since we were school-fellows,
before.
_Marq._ The happiest _Rencontré_!
_Bro._ These gentlemen seem to be very well acquainted.
Mr. _Barn._ Yes, but I know neither one nor t'other of them.
_Marq._ Baron, let me present to you one of the best-natur'd men in the
world, Mr. _Barnard_ here, the flower of hospitality----I congratulate
you upon having so good a neighbour.
Mr. _Barn._ Sir!
_Baron._ It is an advantage I am proud of.
Mr. _Barn._ Sir!
_Marq._ Come, gentlemen, you must be very intimate; let me have the
honour of bringing you better acquainted.
Mr. _Barn._ Sir!
_Baron._ Dear Marquis, I shall take it as a favour, if you'll do me
that honour.
Mr. _Barn._ Sir!
_Marq._ With all my heart----Come, Baron, now you are here we can make
up the most agreeable company in the world----Faith you shall stay and
pass a few days with us.
Mr. _Barn._ Methinks now, this son of a whore does the honour of my
house to a miracle.
_Baron._ I don't know what to say, but I shou'd be very glad you'd
excuse me.
_Marq._ Faith, I can't.
_Baron._ Dear Marquis.
_Marq._ Egad I won't.
_Baron._ Well, since it must be so----But here comes the Lady of the
family.
_Enter Mrs. ~Barnard~._
_Marq._ Madam, let me present you to the flower of _France_.
_Baron._ Madam, I shall think myself the happiest person in the world
in your Ladyship's acquaintance; and the little estate I have in _this
country_ I esteem more than all the rest, because it lies so near your
Ladyship.
Mrs. _Barn._ Sir, your most humble servant.
_Marq._ Madam, the Baron _de Messy_ is the best humour'd man in the
world. I've prevail'd with him to give us his company a few days.
Mrs. _Barn._ I'm sure you could not oblige Mr. _Barnard_ or me more.
Mr. _Barn._ That's a damn'd lye, I'm sure.
[_Aside._
_Baron._ I'm sorry, Madam, I can't accept of the honour----for it
falls out so unluckily, that I've some ladies at my house that I can't
possibly leave.
_Marq._ No matter, no matter, Baron; you have ladies at your house, we
have ladies at our house--let's join companies----come, let's send for
them immediately; the more the merrier.
Mr. _Barn._ An admirable expedient, truly!
_Baron._ Well, since it must be so, I'll go for them myself.
_Marq._ Make haste, dear Baron, for we shall be impatient for your
return.
_Baron._ Madam, your most humble servant----But I won't take my leave
of you----I shall be back again immediately----Monsieur _Barnard_, I'm
your most humble servant; since you will have it so, I'll return as
soon as possible.
Mr. _Barn._ I have it so! 'sbud, Sir, you may stay as long as you
please; I'm in no haste for ye.
[_Exeunt Baron and Marquis._
Mr. _Barn._ Madam, you are the cause that I am not master of my own
house.
Mrs. _Barn._ Will you never learn to be reasonable, husband?
_The Marquis returns._
_Marq._ The Baron is the best humour'd man in the world, only a little
too ceremonious, that's all----I love to be free and generous; since I
came to _Paris_ I've reform'd half the court.
Mrs. _Barn._ You are of the most agreeable humour in the world,
_Marquis_.
_Marq._ Always merry----But what have you done with the ladies?
Mrs. _Barn._ I left them at cards.
_Marq._ Well, I'll wait upon 'em----but, Madam, let me desire you not
to put yourself to any extraordinary expence upon our accounts----You
must consider we have more than one day to live together.
Mrs. _Barn._ You are pleased to be merry, Marquis.
_Marq._ Treat us without ceremony; good wine and poultry you have of
your own; wild-fowl and fish are brought to your door----You need not
send abroad for any thing but a piece of butcher's meat, or so----Let
us have no extraordinaries.
[_Exit._
Mr. _Barn._ If I had the feeding of you, a thunder bolt should be your
supper.
Mrs. _Barn._ Husband, will you never change your humour? If you go on
at this rate, it will be impossible to live with ye.
Mr. _Barn._ Very true; for in a little time I shall have nothing to
live upon.
Mrs. _Barn._ Do you know what a ridiculous figure you make?
Mr. _Barn._ You'll make a great deal worse, when you han't money enough
to pay for the washing of your shifts.
Mrs. _Barn._ It seems you married me only to dishonour me; how horrible
this is!
Mr. _Barn._ I tell ye, you'll ruin me. Do you know how much money you
spend in a year?
Mrs. _Barn._ Not I truly, I don't understand arithmetic.
Mr. _Barn._ Arithmetic, O lud! O lud! Is it so hard to comprehend, that
he who receives but sixpence and spends a shilling, must be ruin'd in
the end?
Mrs. _Barn._ I never troubled my head with accompts, nor never will;
but if you did but know what ridiculous things the world says of ye----
Mr. _Barn._ Rot the world----'Twill say worse of me when I'm in a jail.
Mrs. _Barn._ A very Christian-like saying, truly.
Mr. _Barn._ Don't tell me of Christian----Adsbud, I'll turn Jew, and
nobody shall eat at my table that is not circumcised.
_Enter ~Lisetta~._
_Lis._ Madam, there's the Dutchess of _Twangdillo_ just fell down near
our door, her coach was overturn'd.
Mrs. _Barn._ I hope her Grace has received no hurt.
_Lis._ No, Madam, but her coach is broke.
Mr. _Barn._ Then there's a smith in town may mend it.
_Lis._ They say, 'twill require two or three days to fit it up again.
Mrs. _Barn._ I'm glad on't with all my heart, for then I shall enjoy
the pleasure of her Grace's good company.----I'll wait upon her.
Mr. _Barn._ Very fine doings this!
[_Exeunt severally._
+ACT+ II. +SCENE+ I.
_Enter ~Mr.~ Barnard._
Heaven be now my comfort, for my house is hell: [_Starts._] Who's
there, what do you want? who are you?
_Enter servant with a portmanteau._
_Serv._ Sir, here's your cousin _Janno_ and cousin _Mawkin_ come from
_Paris_.
Mr. _Barn._ What a plague do they want?
_Enter ~Janno~ leading in ~Mawkin~._
_Jan._ Come, sister, come along----O here's cousin _Barnard_----Cousin
_Barnard_, your servant----Here's my sister _Mawkin_ and I are come to
see you.
_Mawk._ Ay, cousin, here's brother _Janno_ and I are come from _Paris_
to see you: pray how does cousin _Mariamne_ do?
_Jan._ My sister and I waunt well at _Paris_; so my father sent us here
for two or three weeks to take a little country air.
Mr. _Barn._ You cou'd not come to a worse place; for this is the worst
air in the whole county.
_Mawk._ Nay, I'm sure, my father says it is the best.
Mr. _Barn._ Your father's a fool; I tell ye, 'tis the worst.
_Jan._ Nay, cousin, I fancy you're mistaken now; for I begin to find
my stomach come to me already; in a fortnight's time you shall see how
I'll lay about me.
Mr. _Barn._ I don't at all doubt it.
_Mawk._ Father wou'd have sent sister _Flip._ and little brother
_Humphrey_, but the calash would not hold us all, and so they don't
come till to-morrow with mother.
_Jan._ Come, sister, let's put up our things in our chamber; and after
you have washed my face, and put me on a clean neckcloth, we'll go in
and see how our cousins do.
_Mawk._ Ay, come along, we'll go and see cousin _Mariamne_.
_Jan._ Cousin, we shan't give you much trouble, one bed will serve us;
for sister _Mawkin_ and I always lie together.
_Mawk._ But, cousin; mother prays you that you'd order a little
cock-broth for brother _Janno_ and I, to be got ready as soon as may be.
_Jan._ Ay, _a propos_, cousin _Barnard_, that's true; my mother
desires, that we may have some cock-broth to drink two or three times
a-day between meals, for my sister and I are sick folks.
_Mawk._ And some young chickens, too, the doctor said would bring us to
our stomachs very soon.
_Jan._ You fib now, sister, it waunt young chickens, so it waunt, it
was plump partridges sure, the doctor said so.
_Mawk._ Ay, so it was brother,--come, let's go in, and see our cousins.
_Jan._ Ay, come along, sister--cousin _Barnard_, don't forget the
cock-broth.
[_Exeunt ~Janno~ and ~Mawkin~._
Mr. _Barn._ What the Devil does all this mean----mother, and sister
_Flip._, and little brother _Humphrey_, and chickens, and partridges,
and cock-broth, and fire from hell to dress 'em all.
+SCENE+ II.
_Enter ~Colin~._
_Col._ O measter, O measter----you'll not chide to-day, as you are usen
to do, no marry will you not; see now what it is to be wiser than one's
measter.
Mr. _Barn._ What wou'd this fool have?
_Col._ Why thanks and money to boot, an folk were grateful.
Mr. _Barn._ What's the matter?
_Col._ Why the matter is, if you have good store of company in your
house, you have good store of meat to put in their bellies.
Mr. _Barn._ How so? how so?
_Col._ Why a large and stately stag, with a pair of horns on his head,
heavens bless you, your worship might be seen to wear 'em, comes
towards our Geat a puffing and blawing like a cow in hard labour----Now
says I to myself, says I, if my measter refuse to let this fine youth
come in, why then he's a fool, d'ye see--So I opens him the geat, pulls
off my hat with both my honds, and said you're welcome, kind Sir, to
our house.
Mr. _Barn._ Well, well!
_Col._ Well, well, ay, and so it is well, as you shall straightway
find----So in he trots, and makes directly towards our barn, and goes
bounce, bounce, against the door, as boldly as if he had been measter
on't----he turns'en about and thwacks'n down in the stra, as who would
say, here will I lay me till to-morrow morning--But he had no fool to
deal with----for to the kitchen goes I, and takes me down a musquet,
and with a breace of balls, I hits'n such a slap in the feace, that he
ne'er spoke a word more to me----Have I done well or no measter?
Mr. _Barn._ Yes, you have done very well for once.
_Col._ But this was not all, for a parcel of dogs came yelping after
their companion, as I suppose; so I goes to the back yard-door, and as
many as came by, shu, says I, and drove them into the gearden, so there
they are as safe as in a pawnd----ha, ha,----but I can but think what a
power of pasties we shall have at our house, ha, ha.
[_Exit ~Colin~._
Mr. _Barn._ I see Providence takes some care of me: this cou'd never
have happened in a better time.
+SCENE+ III.
_Enter ~Cook~._
_Cook._ Sir, sir, in the name of wonder, what do you mean? is it by
your orders that all those dogs were let into the garden?
Mr. _Barn._ How!
_Cook._ I believe there's forty or fifty dogs tearing up the lettice
and cabbage by the root. I believe before they have done, they'll rout
up the whole garden.
Mr. _Barn._ This is that rogue's doings.
_Cook._ This was not all, Sir, for three or four of 'em came into
the kitchen, and tore half the meat off the spit that was for your
worship's supper.
Mr. _Barn._ The very dogs plague me.
_Cook._ And then there's a crew of hungry footmen who devour'd what the
dogs left, so that there's not a bit left for your worship's supper,
not a scrap, not one morsel, Sir.
[_Exit ~Cook~._
Mr. _Barn._ Sure I shall hit on some way to get rid of this crew.
+SCENE+ IV.
_Enter ~Colin~._
_Col._ Sir, Sir, here's the devil to do without yonder; a parcel of
fellows swear they'll have our venison, and s'blead I swear they shall
have none on't, so stand to your arms, measter.
Mr. _Barn._ Ay, you've done finely, rogue, rascal, have you not?
[_Beating him._
_Col._ 'Sblead, I say they shan't have our venison. I'll die before
I'll part with it.
[_Exit._
_Enter ~Griffard~._
_Griff._ Brother, there's some gentlemen within ask for you.
Mr. _Barn._ What gentlemen? who are they?
_Griff._ The gentlemen that have been hunting all this morning, they're
now gone up to your wife's chamber.
Mr. _Barn._ The Devil go with 'em.
_Griff._ There is but one way to get rid of this plague, and that is,
as I told you before, to set your house on fire.
Mr. _Barn._ That's doing myself an injury, not them.
_Griff._ There's dogs, horses, masters and servants, all intend to
stay here 'till to-morrow morning, that they may be near the woods to
hunt the earlier--besides (I overheard them) they're in a kind of plot
against you.
Mr. _Barn._ What did they say?
_Griff._ You'll be angry if I tell ye.
Mr. _Barn._ Can I be more angry than I am?
_Griff._ They said then that it was the greatest pleasure in the world
to ruin an old lawyer in the country, who had got an estate by ruining
honest people in town.
Mr. _Barn._ There's rogues for ye!
_Griff._ I'm mistaken if they don't play you some trick or other.
Mr. _Barn._ Hold, let me consider.
_Griff._ What are you doing?
_Griff._ I'm _conceiving_, I shall _bring forth_ presently----oh, I
have it, it comes from hence, wit was its father, and invention its
mother; if I had thought on't sooner, I shou'd have been happy.
_Griff._ What is it?
Mr. _Barn._ Come, come along, I say; you must help me to put it in
execution.
+SCENE+ V.
_Enter ~Lisetta~._
_Lis._ Sir, my mistress desires you to walk up, she is not able, by
herself, to pay the civilities due to so much good company.
Mr. _Barn._ O the carrion! what does she play her jests upon me
too?----but mum, he laughs best that laughs last.
_Lis._ What shall I tell her, Sir, will you come?
Mr. _Barn._ Yes, yes, tell her I'll come with a pox to her.
[_Exeunt ~Mr.~ Barnard ~and~ Griffard._
_Lis._ Nay, I don't wonder he shou'd be angry--they do try his
patience, that's the truth on't.
+SCENE+ VI.
_Enter ~Mariamne~._
What, Madam, have you left your mother and the company?
_Mar._ So much tittle tattle makes my head ake; I don't wonder my
father shou'd not love the _country_, for besides the expence he's at,
he never enjoys a minute's quiet.
_Lis._ But let's talk of our own affairs--have you writ to your lover?
_Mar._ No, for I have not had time since I saw him.
_Lis._ Now you have time then, about it immediately, for he's a sort
of desperate spark, and a body does not know what he may do, if he
shou'd not hear from you; besides you promised him, and you must behave
yourself like a woman of honour, and keep your word.
_Mar._ I'll about it this minute.
_Enter ~Charly~._
_Char._ Cousin, cousin, cousin, where are you going? Come back, I have
something to say to you.
_Lis._ What does this troublesome boy want?
_Char._ What's that to you what I want? perhaps I have something to say
to her that will make her laugh----why sure! what need you care?
_Mar._ Don't snub my cousin _Charly_----well, what is't?
_Char._ Who do you think I met, as I was coming here, but that handsome
gentleman I've seen at church ogle you like any devil?
_Mar._ Hush, softly, cousin.
_Lis._ Not a word of that for your life.
_Char._ O I know I shou'd not speak on't before folks; you know I made
signs to you above, that I wanted to speak to you in private, didn't I,
cousin?
_Mar._ Yes, yes, I saw you.
_Char._ You see I can keep a secret.----I am no girl, mun----I
believe I cou'd tell you fifty and fifty to that, of my sister
_Cicely_----O she's the devil of a girl----but she gives me money and
sugar-plumbs----and those that are kind to me fare the better for it,
you see cousin.
_Mar._ I always said my cousin _Charly_ was a good-natur'd boy.
_Lis._ Well, and did he know you?
_Char._ Yes, I think he did know me--for he took me in his arms, and
did so hug and kiss me----between you and I, cousin, I believe he is
one of the best friends I have in the world.
_Mar._ Well, but what did he say to you?
_Char._ Why, he ask'd me where I was going; I told him I was coming to
see you; you're a lying young rogue, says he, I'm sure you dare not go
see your cousin--for you must know my sister was with me, and it seems
he took her for a crack, and I being a forward boy, he fancied I was
going to make love to her under a hedge, ha, ha.
_Mar._ So.
_Char._ So he offer'd to lay me a _Lewis d'Or_ that I was not coming to
you; so done, says I----Done, says he,----and so 'twas a bett, you know.
_Mar._ Certainly.
_Char._ So my sister's honour being concern'd, and having a mind to win
his _Lewis d'Or_, d'ye see----I bid him follow me, that he might see
whether I came in or no--but he said he'd wait for me at the little
garden gate that opens into the fields, and if I would come thro' the
house and meet him there, he should know by that whether I had been in
or no.
_Mar._ Very well.
_Char._ So I went there, open'd the gate and let him in--
_Mar._ What then?
_Char._ Why then he paid me the _Lewis d'Or_, that's all.
_Mar._ Why, that was honestly done.
_Char._ And then he talk'd to me of you, and said you had the
charmingest bubbies, and every time he nam'd 'em, ha! says he, as if he
had been sipping hot tea.
_Mar._ But was this all?
_Char._ No, for he had a mind, you must know, to win his _Lewis d'Or_
back again; so he laid me another, that I dare not come back, and tell
you that he was there; so cousin, I hope you won't let me lose, for if
you don't go to him and tell him that I've won, he won't pay me.
_Mar._ What, wou'd you have me go and speak to a man?
_Char._ Not for any harm, but to win your poor cousin a _Lewis d'Or_.
I'm sure you will--for you're a modest young woman, and may go without
danger----Well, cousin, I'll swear you look very handsome to-day, and
have the prettiest bubbies there; do let me feel 'em, I'll swear you
must.
_Mar._ What does the young rogue mean? I swear I'll have you whipt.
[_Exeunt ~Charly~ and ~Mariamne~._
_Enter ~Colin~._
_Col._ Ha, ha, ha! our old gentleman's a wag efaith, he'll be even with
'em for all this, ha, ha, ha----
_Lis._ What's the matter? what does the fool laugh at?
_Col._ We an't in our house now, _Lisetta_, we're in an inn: ha, ha!
_Lis._ How in an inn?
_Col._ Yes, in an inn, my measter has gotten an old rusty sword, and
hung it up at our geat, and writ underneath with a piece of charcoal
with his own fair hand, _At the_ Sword Royal; _entertainment for man
and horse_: ha, ha----
_Lis._ What whim is this?
_Col._ Thou, and I, live at the _Sword Royal_, ha, ha--
_Lis._ I'll go tell my mistress of her father's extravagance.
[_Exit ~Lisetta~._
+SCENE+ VII.
_Enter Mr. ~Barnard~ and ~Griffard~._
Mr. _Barn._ Ha, ha! yes I think this will do. Sirrah, _Colin_, you may
now let in all the world; the more the better.
_Colin._ Yes, Sir----Ods-flesh! we shall break all the inns in the
country----For we have a brave handsome landlady, and a curious young
lass to her daughter----O, here comes my young measter----We'll make
him chamberlain----ha, ha----
_Enter ~Dorant~._
Mr. _Barn._ What's the matter, son? How comes it that you are all
alone? You used to do me the favour to bring some of your friends along
with ye.
_Dor._ Sir, there are some of 'em coming; I only rid before, to beg you
to give them a favourable reception.
Mr. _Barn._ Ay why not? it is both for your honour and mine; you shall
be master.
_Dor._ Sir, we have now an opportunity of making all the gentlemen in
the country our friends.
Mr _Barn._ I'm glad on't with all my heart; pray how so?
_Dor._ There's an old quarrel to be made up between two families, and
all the company are to meet at our house.
Mr. _Barn._ Ay, with all my heart; but pray, what is the quarrel?
_Dor._ O, Sir, a very ancient quarrel; It happened between their great
grandfathers about a duck.
Mr. _Barn._ A quarrel of consequence truly.
_Dor._ And 'twill be a great honour to us, if this shou'd be
accommodated at our house.
Mr. _Barn._ Without doubt.
_Dor._ Dear Sir, you astonish me with this goodness; how shall I
express this obligation? I was afraid, Sir, you would not like it.
Mr. _Barn._ Why so?
_Dor._ I thought, Sir, you did not care for the expence.
Mr. _Barn._ O Lord, I am the most alter'd man in the world from what I
was, I'm quite another thing, mun; but how many are there of 'em?
_Dor._ Not above nine or ten of a side, Sir.
Mr. _Barn._ O, we shall dispose of them easily enough.
_Dor._ Some of 'em will be here present'y, the rest I don't expect
'till to-morrow morning.
Mr. _Barn._ I hope they're good companions, jolly fellows, that love to
eat and drink well.
_Dor._ The merriest, best-natur'd creatures in the world, Sir.
Mr. _Barn._ I'm very glad on't, for 'tis such men I want. Come,
brother, you and I will go and prepare for their reception.
[_Exeunt Mr. ~Barnard~ and his brother._
_Dor._ Bless me, what an alteration is here! How my father's temper is
chang'd within these two or three days! Do you know the meaning of it?
_Col._ Why the meaning on't is, ha, ha----
_Dor._ Can you tell me the cause of this sudden change, I say?
_Col._ Why the cause on't is, ha, ha.----
_Dor._ What do you laugh at, sirrah? do you know?
_Col._ Ha----because the old gentleman's a drole, that's all.
_Dor._ Sirrah, if I take the cudgel----
_Col._ Nay, Sir, don't be angry for a little harmless mirth----But here
are your friends.
+SCENE+ VIII.
_Enter three gentlemen._
_Dor._ Gentlemen you are welcome to _Pasty-Hall_; see that these
gentlemens horses are taken care of.
_1 Gen._ A very fine dwelling this.
_Dor._ Yes, the house is tolerable.
_2 Gen._ And a very fine lordship belongs to it.
_Dor._ The land is good.
_3 Gen._ This house ought to have been mine, for my grandfather sold it
to his father, from whom your father purchased it.
_Dor._ Yes, the house has gone thro' a great many hands.
_1 Gen._ A sign there has always been good house-keeping in it.
_Dor._ And I hope there ever will.
_Enter Mr. ~Barnard~, and ~Griffard~, drest like drawers._
Mr. _Barn._ Gentlemen, do you call? will you please to see a room,
gentlemen? somebody take off the gentlemens boots there?
_Dor._ Father! uncle! what is the meaning of this?
Mr. _Barn._ Here, shew a room----or will you please to walk into the
kitchen first, gentlemen, and see what you like for dinner.
_1 Gen._ Make no preparations, Sir, your own dinner is sufficient.
Mr. _Barn._ Very well, I understand ye; let's see, how many are there
of ye? [_Tells 'em._] One, two, three, four: well, gentlemen, 'tis
but half a crown a-piece for yourselves, and sixpence a-head for your
servants; your dinner shall be ready in half an hour; here, shew the
gentlemen into the _Apollo_.
_2 Gen._ What, Sir, does your father keep an inn?
Mr. _Barn._ The _Sword Royal_; at your service, Sir.
_Dor._ But father let me speak to you; would you disgrace me?
Mr. _Barn._ My wine is very good, gentlemen, but to be very plain with
ye, it is dear.
_Dor._ O, I shall run distracted.
Mr. _Barn._ You seem not to like my house, gentlemen; you may try all
the inns in the county, and not be better entertained; but I own my
bills run high.
_Dor._ Gentlemen, let me beg the favour of ye.
_1 Gen._ Ay, my young _'Squire ~of the~ Sword Royal'_, you shall
receive some favours from us.
_Dor._ Dear Monsieur _le Guarantiere_.
_1 Gen._ Here, my horse there.
_Dor._ Monsieur _la Rose_.
_2 Gen._ Damn ye, ye prig.
_Dor._ Monsieur _Trofignac_.
_3 Gen._ Go to the devil.
[_Exeunt Gentlemen._
_Dor._ O, I'm disgrac'd for ever.
Mr. _Barn._ Now, son, this will teach you how to live.
_Dor._ Your son? I deny the kindred; I'm the son of a whore, and I'll
burn your house about your ears, you old rogue you.
[_Exit._