[Illustration: A STUDY IN EXPRESSION]
A SERIOUS MATTER.--_Grandfather_ (_to Miss Pansy, who is
somewhat flushed and excited_). What's the matter, my pet?
_Miss Pansy_ (_aged eight_). Oh, grandpa, me and my kitten have been
having the most awful row. We've often quarrelled before and made it up
again, but this time we're not on speaking terms.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Bobbie_ (_dictating letter to his sister, whom he has
"squared" into writing for him_). "Dear Miss Brown, please xcuse Bobbie
for not bean at school sinse Tewsday has he as add twothake on Tewsday
and on Wednesday he broke is harm and he ad to go to a party yesterday
afternoon. If he does not come to-morrow it will be because a boy thrue
a stoan at is i.--Yours trooly, Bobbie's mother."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: PRESENCE OF MIND.--_Little Girl_ (_who has been disturbed
by a mouse, in a stage-whisper to her sleeping sister_). "Wake up! Oh,
wake up and mew, Amy; mew for your life!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: UNIMAGINATIVE
_Auntie._ "Do you see the hair in this old brooch, Cyril? It was your
great-grandfather's."
_Cyril._ "I say, Auntie, he didn't have much!"]
* * * * *
_Auntie._ Well, Effie, did you enjoy your party last night?
_Effie._ Very much, thank you, auntie.
_Auntie._ And I suppose mamma was there to look after you?
_Effie._ Oh no! Mamma and I _don't belong_ to the same set!
* * * * *
[Illustration: NICE NEPHEW!
_Tommy._ "Talking of riddles, Uncle, do you know the difference between
an apple and a elephant?"
_Uncle_ (_benignly_). "No, my lad, I don't."
_Tommy._ "You'd be a smart chap to send out to buy apples, wouldn't
you?"]
* * * * *
A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE.--"Now go to school, and be a good boy. And mind
you don't use any rude words!"
"Rude words! _Tell_ me a few, mummy, and then I shall _know_, you know!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: A "CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR"
_Governess._ "Now, just one more subtraction sum----"
_Dolly._ "Oh, Miss Crawford, I don't fink mummie would let me do any
more of _those_ sums, 'cause in them you borrow _ten_ and pay back only
_one_, and that's cheating!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A GREAT AMBITION
_Little Girl_ (_watching her mother fixing hatpins through her hat_).
"When will _I_ be old enough, mummy, to have holes made in _my_ head to
keep my hat on?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: REHEARSAL FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS ON BOXING-DAY.--_Master
Brown_ (_leading tragedian, who has been studying a fearful
blood-curdling old melodrama, entering suddenly)_. "Here are the
letters. Two million pounds is the price of my silence!"]
* * * * *
WALKING HOME FROM THE PANTOMIME.--_Little Chris_ (_who usually goes to
bed very early_). Mamma, have all the angels been to Drury Lane
to-night?
_Mamma._ No, darling? Why?
_Little Chris_ (_pointing to the stars_). 'Cause they've kept the lamps
up there lighted so late.
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR CHRISTMAS TEA.--_Unregenerate Youth._ "Pass the seedy
caike!" _Vicar's Daughter._ "If----? If----?" _Unregenerate Youth._ "If
'e don't I'll shove 'im in the faice!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE PROBLEM.
_Samuel._ "Muvver, does a hen lay an egg when it _likes_ or _must_ it?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A GRAND-DAUGHTER OF EVE.--_Mamma_ (_to Molly, who has
scratched and bitten her French nurse, and who won't be sorry for her
behaviour_). "Oh, Molly, don't you know who it is puts such wicked
thoughts into your head?" _Molly._ "Ah, yes, the _scratching_! But to
_bite_ Felicie was quite my own idea!"]
* * * * *
ROGUES FALLING OUT.--_Mamma._ What is baby crying for, Maggie?
_Maggie._ I don't know.
_Mamma._ And what are _you_ looking so 'ndignant about?
_Maggie._ That nasty, greedy dog's been and took and eaten my
'punge-take!
_Mamma._ Why, I saw you eating a sponge-cake a minute ago!
_Maggie._ O--that was baby's!
* * * * *
A SCIENTIFIC NURSERY DEFINITION.--_Little Algy Muffin._ What's the
meaning of bric-a-brac, that mamma was talking about to Colonel Crumpet?
_Little Chris Crumpet._ Those things we mustn't play bricks with, a-fear
we'll break them.
* * * * *
POETRY FOR SCHOOLBOYS.--Little Tommy Tender, who received a flogging the
week before his holidays, says his feelings were the contrary of those
felt by the poet, when he penned the touching line--
"My grief lies onward, and my joy behind."
* * * * *
[Illustration: LOGICAL.--_Little Bobby_ (_whose mamma is very
particular, and is always telling him to wash his face and hands_).
"Mummy dear! I do wish I was a little black boy." _Mamma._ "My dear
Bobby, you generally are." _Little Bobby._ "Oh, I mean _really_ black.
_Then_ you wouldn't see when I was dirty."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: EVERYTHING CAN BE EXPLAINED
_Cissie_ (_who has never seen an Archdeacon before_). "Dick, that old
clergyman has got gaiters on. What does it mean when a clergyman wears
gaiters?"
_Dick_ (_who knows everything_). "Oh, it means that he belongs to the
cyclist corps!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "WHAT MAISIE KNEW"
_Kind Aunt._ "You needn't be afraid of my little pug, Maisie. He won't
bite you."
_Maisie._ "No, auntie. But he might kick!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration:
_Bobby._ "Do you know what daddy calls you, Mr. Tovey?"
_Mr. Tovey._ "No Bobby. What is it?"
_Bobby._ "He calls you Port Arthur, 'cause you take so long to
surrender!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Little Girl_ (_to mother, who has just read notice_). "I
suppose, mother, it doesn't mention _which_ half of the poor thing we
are to look for?"]
* * * * *
JUVENILE GEOGRAPHY.--_Governess._ The earth moves round the sun ... it
takes a whole year to complete the round ... and this accounts for the
four seasons. What are the four seasons of the year, Phyllis?
_Phyllis_ (_aged_ five). This year, next year, sometime, never.
* * * * *
"IT'S A WISE CHILD THAT KNOWS ITS OWN FATHER."--_Grace._ Harold, why did
pa call that Mr. Blowhard a liar?
_Harold._ 'Cos he's smaller than pa!
* * * * *
A LITTLE LEARNING.--_Teacher._ And who was Joan of Arc?
_Scholar._ Please, sir, Noah's wife.
* * * * *
A LITTLE STEPMOTHER.--_Uncle._ Hullo! Dot, got a new doll?
_Little Miss Dot._ Hush, uncle, don't speak too loud. She is not one of
my own, but belonged to Millie Simpson, who was cruel to her and
'bandoned her, so I have 'dopted her; but I don't want her to know,
because I mean to make no difference between her and my own dollies.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A POSER
_Katie_ (_in consternation_). "Oh, mother, how _will_ Santa Claus do
about that poor man's stockings?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE RETURN INVITATION.--"Please, Mrs. Subbubs, mamma says
she'll be glad if you'll come to tea on Monday." "With pleasure, Bessie.
Tell your mother it's really too kind----" "Oh, no! mamma says she'll be
glad when it's over."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Did our hat-rack walk about and have only two pegs,
once, auntie?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: STABLE TALK.--_The General._ "That's a funny sort of
horse you've got there, Cuthbert." _Cuthbert._ "Yes, gran'pa. You see
he's been 'eating his head off' all the winter!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Severe Mother._ "You naughty boy! How dare you tell such
stories? Aren't you ashamed of yourself for being a little liar?"
_Injured Son._ "Well, mother, 't ain't my fault. Father gave me a awful
thrashing the other day for having spoken the truth." _Mother._ "What
_do_ you mean?" _Son._ "Why, when I told you that father had come home
quite drunk the night before!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "IN STRANGE ATTIRE"
"Nurse! Nurse! Bobby's out of bed, and running about in his _bananas_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: PROOF
"You won't go in that dark room alone by yourself, Tommy."
"Oh! won't I? You just _come with me_, and see me do it!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: INCONTROVERTIBLE
"And how _old_ are you, my little man?" "I'm not old at all. I'm nearly
_new_!"]
* * * * *
THE FORCE OF CLASSIC TEACHING.--_Master._ Now, boys, what is Hexham
famous for?
_Binks Minor._ Making the hexameter, sir.
[_Waits afterwards._
* * * * *
PROVERBS REVISED.--"_One is better than two._" _Mother._ You are a very
naughty little girl!
_Little Girl_ (_after some thought_). Aren't you glad I wasn't twins,
mummy?
* * * * *
[Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD
_Mild Old Gentleman rescues a bun which child has dropped in the mud._
_Child_ (_all aglow with righteous indignation_). "That's _my_ bun!"]
* * * * *
TRUE SENTIMENT.--"I'm writing to Mrs. Montague, Georgie--that pretty
lady you used to take to see your pigs. Haven't you some nice message to
send her?"
"Yes, mummie; give her my love, and say I never look at a little black
pig now without thinking of _her_!"
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Chemist._ "Pills, eh?" (_Emphasising question_)
"Anti-bilious?"
_Child_ (_readily_). "No, sir; uncle is!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mother._ "Now, dear, why don't you run away and give
grandpa a kiss?" _Child_ (_somewhat nonplussed by grandpapa's moustache
and beard_). "I don't see any place for it, mamma!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE," &c.--_Ethel._ "Mummy dear, why did
you tell Richard you 'weren't at home' just now?" (_Pause._) "Mummy, I
mean----" _Mamma._ "When Sir Fusby Dodderidge called? Why, Ethel dear,
because he bores me." _Ethel._ "Oh!" (_After thoughtfully considering
the matter with regard to her governess_). "Then may I say I'm not at
home when Miss Krux calls to-morrow? for _she_ bores _me_ awfully?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AT THE RINK.--_Little Girl._ "Oh, Captain Sprawler, _do_
put on your skates, and show me the funny figures you can make."
_Captain S._ "My dear child, I'm only a beginner. I can't make any
figures." _Little Girl._ "But Mabel said you were skating yesterday, and
cut a _ridiculous_ figure!"]
* * * * *
A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE.--_Daisy_ (_who has been studying
Chrysanthemums_).--Maisy, do you know what's a _Double Begonia_?
_Maisy_ (_who has been studying the Classics_).--"Double Big-onia"? Yes!
Of course, it's the plural of one big onion.
* * * * *
MAIDENLY ETIQUETTE.--_Little Chris_ (_aetat eight_). I've a birthday
party on Thursday, Evie. I should like you to come.
_Little Evie_ (_aetat nine_). I should love to, dear.
_Little Chris._ But I couldn't, you know, unless you asked me to tea
first.
* * * * *
IN THE LIBRARY.--_Tommy._ How beautifully those books is binded!
_Little Dot._ No, Tommy, that's wrong. You mustn't say "binded"; you
should say, "are bounded."
* * * * *
SUPERLATIVE ASSURANCE.--_Papa_ (To Little Chris). I can't quite
understand you. Was it Mr. Jones, or Mr. David Jones, or Mr. Griffith
Jones, whom you met?
_Little Chris_ (_stoutly_). All I know is, it was the _third eldest_ Mr.
Jones.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mabel_ (_stroking kitten, a new present_). "Mother,
kitty's so hot! Ought she to sit so near the fire?" (_Kitten purrs._)
"Oh, mother, listen! She's beginning to boil!"]
* * * * *
A VIRTUE OF NECESSITY.--_Aunt Maria._ What a good little boy to leave
your little friends to come with a poor old auntie like me.
_Master Douglas._ Oh, mother always _makes_ us do nasty things and
things we don't like.
* * * * *
MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_The Fair Weather Barometer._) This is a
pleasing and simple experiment. The mercury is removed, and divided in
equal portions between the cat, the parrot next door, and the interior
of grandpapa's forty-guinea repeater. This may cause some local
disturbance, but the barometer, relieved of undue pressure, and set at
"very dry," may be relied on to indicate, without further attention,
permanent fair weather.
* * * * *
AT THE BOARD SCHOOL.--_Inspector._ Now, can any of you children state
what is likely to be the future of China?
_One Maiden_ (_after a pause_). Please sir, father says that China's
like him.
_Inspector._ Like him! What do you mean?
_The Maiden._ Sure to be broken by the force of circumstances.
[_Class dismissed immediately._
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN INNOCENT HINT
_Auntie._ "What is Nellie's nose for?"
_Nellie_ (_doubtfully_). "To smell with."
_Auntie._ "And what is Nellie's mouth for?"
_Nellie_ (_cautiously_). "To eat with."
_Auntie._ "And what are Nellie's ears for?"
_Nellie_ (_confidently_). "Ear-rings."]
* * * * *
A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE!--_Miss Tomboy._ Mamma, I think those French women
were beastly rude.
_Mother._ You mustn't speak like that of those ladies, it's very wrong.
And how often have I told you not to say "beastly"?
_Miss Tomboy._ Well, they _were_ rude. They called me a little cabbage
(_mon petit chou_). The next time they do that I shall call them old
French beans.
* * * * *
SOLILOQUY.--"I should like that engine. Can't afford it myself. They
won't buy it for me at home--too soon after Christmas. Must go in and
ask the girl to put it aside for me till next time I have the croup or
something; then mother'll buy it me!"
* * * * *
"TOO CLEVER BY HALF"
Tommy and Johnnie were boys at school,
Tommy was clever, but Johnnie a fool;
Tommy at lessons was sharp and bright,
Johnnie could never do anything right.
Genius often is known to fail;
Tommy turned forger, and went to jail.
Johnnie, though slow as he well could be,
Plodded away and became M.P.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "CONSERVATION OF TISSUE."--_Uncle._ "Well, Tommy, you see
I'm back; are you ready? What have I to pay for, miss?"
_Miss._ "Three buns, four sponge cakes, two sandwiches, one jelly, five
tarts, and----" _Uncle._ "Good gracious, boy! Are you not ill?" _Tommy._
"No, uncle; but I'm thirsty."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Benevolent Old Gentleman._ "Now then, little boy. What
do you mean by bullying that little girl? Don't you know it's very
cruel?"
_Rude Little Boy._ "Garn! wot's the trouble? _She's my Sweetheart!_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Grandpapa._ "Well little lady, will you give me a lock
of that pretty hair of yours?" _Marjory._ "Yes, granpa';
but"--(_hesitating_)--"I don't fink _one_ lock would be enough, would
it?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "DADDY'S WAISTCOAT"
(_Sketched from Life in Drury Lane._)]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A STORY WITHOUT WORDS]
* * * * *
THE CASE FOR THE DEFENCE.--_Mother._ Oh, Dicky, what terrible things you
do keep in your pockets! Fancy, a dead crab!
_Dicky._ Well, mother, it wasn't dead when I put it there!
* * * * *
HAPPY THOUGHT.--"Why, my boy, you've spelt window without an _N_! Don't
you know the difference between a _window_ and a _widow_?"
"Yes, sir. You can see through _one_--and--and--you can't see through
the _other_, sir!"
* * * * *
THE YOUNG IDEA AGAIN.--(SCENE--_Fourth-standard room of an elementary
school. Children reading._) _Inspector_ (_to the Teacher_). What are
they reading about?
_Teacher._ American Indians.
_Inspector._ I will ask them a few questions. (_To children._) What is a
Red Indian's wife called? (_Many hands up_). Tell me.
_Scholar._ A squaw, sir.
_Inspector._ What is a Red Indian's baby called? (_Silence. At last a
boy volunteers._) Well, my boy?
_Boy._ Please, sir, a squaker!
* * * * *
[Illustration: A CAUTION TO LITTLE BOYS AT THIS FESTIVE SEASON
_Mamma._ "Why, my dearest Albert, what are you crying for?--so good,
too, as you have been all day!"
_Spoiled Little Boy._ "Boo-hoo! I've eaten so--m-much be-eef and
t-turkey, that I can't eat any p-p-plum p-p-pudding!"
[_Oh, what a very greedy little fellow._]
* * * * *
A MODERN PARIS.--_Schoolmaster._ Now, boys, supposing that the goddesses
Diana, Venus, and Juno were to appear before you, what would you do with
this apple?
_Brown Minimus._ Please sir, I'd eat it before they asked for it?
* * * * *
A POINT UNSETTLED IN HISTORY.--_Lucy_ (_to her elder sister who has just
been relating a thrilling episode in the life of William Tell_). And was
the little boy allowed to _eat_ the apple afterwards?
* * * * *
MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_Household ginger beer._)--Empty the kitchen
spice-box, two pounds of washing soda, a pint of petroleum, and all the
wine left in the dining-room decanters over night, into the cistern, and
stir freely in the dark with a mop from the staircase window. When the
water comes in in the morning, the whole household will be supplied from
every tap for four-and-twenty hours with capital ginger beer.
* * * * *
IN DISTRESS.--Mummy! Mummy! Come back! I'm frightened. Here's a horrid
dog _staring at me with his teeth_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Child_ (_in berth of night steamer_). "Mummy, I'm so
sleepy. I want to go to bed." _Mother._ "But you _are_ in bed dear."
_Child._ "No, I'm not. I'm in a chest of drawers!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.--(_This is the second time that
Madge has pricked her finger--the first time it bled so much that mamma
felt quite faint, and had to drink a glass of sherry; now it's Jack's
turn_). _Mamma._ "Well, what's the matter with _you_, Jack?" _Jack._
"Oh! I feel rather _faint_, that's all. _Is there such a thing as a bun
in the house?_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.--_Tommy_ (_criticising the menu of
the coming feast_). "Very good! Tray bong! And look here, old man! Mind
you put plenty of rum into the _baba_--Dolly and Molly like it, you
know--and so do I!" _Monsieur Cordonbleu_ (_retained for the occasion_).
"Certainement, mon p'tit ami! But are you and ces demoiselles going to
dine viz de compagnie?" _Tommy._ "Oh nong! But just ain't we going to
sit on the stairs outside, that's all!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AT THE ZOO.--_Little Girl_ (_after seeing many queer
beasts_). "But there aren't _really_ such animals, nurse, are there?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.--_Uncle George._ "Don't over-eat
yourself, Jimmy, my boy. I never did when I was your age." _Jimmy_
(_sotto voce_). "When did you begin, then?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN EARLY PURITAN
_Bobby_ (_who sees his mamma in evening dress for the first time, and
doesn't like it_). "I'll write and tell papa!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Gertie._ "Oh, Mr. Brown, papa says that Mrs. Brown leads
you by the nose. Is that why it's so long?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AT A CHRISTMAS JUVENILE PARTY.--_Aunt Florence._ "I will
find you a partner, Ethel, dear. Between ourselves, now, have you any
choice?" _Miss Ethel._ "Well, auntie, I should prefer one with a
_moustache_!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A CRY FROM THE HEART.--_Little Dunce_ (_looking up
suddenly from her history book_). "Oh, mummy, darling, I _do_ so wish
I'd lived under James the Second!" _Mamma._ "Why?" _Little Dunce._
"Because I see here that education was very much neglected in his
reign!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A BIG PILL.--"What is it, my pet?" "Oh, mum--mummy--I
dreamt I'd sw-swallowed myself. Have I?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Hostess._ "What would you like to eat, Effie?" _Effie._
"Cake." _Mother_ (_reprovingly_). "Effie! Effie! What is the word you've
forgotten? Pl----" _Effie._ "Pl--um!"]
* * * * *
OVERHEARD AT THE ZOO.--(_A fact._)--_Small child_ (_pointing to the
hippopotamus_). Oh, mother, look at that big frog going to have a bath!
_Better-informed parent._ That isn't a frog, yer silly. It's a
crocydile!
* * * * *
INFANT AGONIES.--_Small boy._ Auntie! Auntie! Has goosegogs got legs?
_Auntie._ No!
_Small boy._ Boo-hoo-hoo! then I've been and swollered--a beastie!
* * * * *