Jimmy says he thought there must he something the matter with Jones
minimus, he was so gloomy.
He actually told Jimmy that he wished he was in heaven. Jimmy had to
tell him not to say such wicked things, because sometimes when you
wished things like that they came true, and then where would Jones
minimus be?
Jimmy says it takes a lot to make Jones minimus gloomy, but it turned
out that he had lost the War Loan; he had either lost or mislaid it,
he told Jimmy.
It was on a card, and Jones minimus only wanted another shilling to
make 15s. 6d., and then in five years they gave you one pound, and it
was because of the compound interest someone invented.
Jimmy says as they were talking the milkman came up and asked if they
had seen his pig. The milkman is always losing his pig. Jimmy says it
wanders off for a walk nearly every day talking to itself and going
into gardens and relishing things. It is a very good relisher, Jimmy
says.
Jimmy says the milkman's pig is being talked about in home circles;
but it doesn't seem to mind, it just goes on its way.
You can always tell the milkman's pig by the black spot on its back.
Jimmy says he knows a man who is going to shoot the pig at sight next
time.
Jimmy was just telling the milkman that he ought to put butter on its
feet to make it stay at home, when Jones minimus suddenly remembered.
He had put the War Loan in his algebra book and left it in Jimmy's
garden. Jimmy says it was a good thing they went back when they did,
because when he got home he found his bloodhound, Faithful, busy
suspecting a chimney-sweep of being a spy; he had done it to the
chimney-sweep's trousers, Jimmy says.
Jimmy says the chimney-sweep was doing bayonet exercises with his
brush at Faithful and working his black face at him.
Jimmy says the chimney-sweep had evidently never seen a prize
bloodhound before, because when Jimmy came up he stood on guard, and
in a frightened whisper said to him, "What is it?"
Jimmy says the beads of perspiration stood on the chimney-sweep's
face like ink. The chimney-sweep told Jimmy that he was travelling the
country sweeping chimneys; but Jimmy said that they had already had
theirs swept, because a cat got in their dining-room and Jimmy had put
in his bloodhound to tell it to go out.
Jimmy says they looked everywhere for the algebra book, but couldn't
find it, and they were just giving up in despair when they heard
Jimmy's bloodhound wrestling with something in his kennel, and there
it was.
Old Faithful had worked half-way through the algebra and was busy
solving simultaneous equations whilst sitting on the War Loan.
[Illustration: _Scandalised N.S. Volunteer_. "'INDENBURG's WATCHIN'
YER!"]
Jimmy says his bloodhound looked so disappointed when they took the
algebra book from him that Jones minimus gave it him back again, as he
said it was no good to him, and perhaps Faithful would find out how to
catch another German spy, or else how to make up the War Loan to 15s.
6d.
Jimmy says his bloodhound did enjoy the algebra, and the way he
tackled several pages of harder problems made old Jones minimus's
mouth water.
Jimmy says Faithful had finished the problems and was just beginning
to chew some quadratics when he looked up and there was the milkman's
pig calmly standing in the garden next door, looking at him through
the hedge and actually munching a piece of coal at him.
Jimmy says it made his bloodhound chew algebra like anything, and when
the pig began flapping his ears at him old Faithful had to go right
into the far corner of his kennel and nurse his wrath.
Jimmy says that bloodhounds have been known to kill a pig in a very
short time; but the pig didn't seem to know this, when Jones minimus
and Jimmy took hold of the kennel and shook out Faithful at him.
Jimmy says the pig just turned on its heel and walked round the garden
sampling things and inquiring into them.
Jimmy says that Faithful is a good sampler too, and when the pig saw
him they tried to sample each other. Faithful thought he was chasing
the pig, and the pig thought he was chasing Faithful, and they did it
in a ring on the lawn.
Jimmy says he could see they were both working themselves up, because
the pig went up to a standard rose-tree and scratched his back at
Jimmy's bloodhound, whilst Faithful kept smelling the ground like
anything.
Jimmy says the pig is a sacred animal to the natives of some places,
but it wasn't to the man who owned the garden; he came out and accused
it of being there.
Jimmy told him that if you placed a pig in the middle of a lake it
always cut its throat when it tried to swim out. But the man hadn't
got a lake, he had only got an ornamental fountain, and the pig had
already scratched that over with its back. The pig seemed very uneasy
about its back, Jimmy says.
Jimmy says the man offered Jones minimus a shilling if he would remove
the pig and that piebald anteater from the garden in five minutes.
Jimmy says Jones minimus is a very good pig-remover, and he thinks it
must be a gift with him. Jimmy says the pig was very much surprised at
Jones minimus, and it wanted to go home and get to bed.
Jimmy says the pig trod on Faithful's toe as they both squeezed
through the gate together, and Faithful pulled the pig's ear, and then
they both went down the road, Faithful leading by about a yard, and
looking behind him with both eyes to make sure the pig was following
him. Jimmy says his bloodhound was working beautifully, and when the
pig stopped to smell one end of a cabbage-stalk which was lying in
the gutter old Faithful, with his nose to the ground, his ears hanging
slightly forward, and his eyes looking upwards, crept slowly back and
deliberately smelt at the other end. It was grand, Jimmy says. There
they stood in silent contest for about five seconds, each trying to
bend the other to his will, till the pig could stand the strain no
longer, and, breaking away with all its strength, actually rushed into
the garden of the man who had promised to shoot it at sight next time.
Jimmy says you might have thought the pig owned the garden until the
man came out. It rooted up wall-flowers and bit off tulips and browsed
on some early peas and was making a regular meatless day of it, and
then the man came rushing out with his gun.
Jimmy says that he and Jones minimus had to duck down, because the man
was so excited; he kept rushing about, talking about things and aiming
his gun at the pig, and the pig kept running round and round and
getting mixed up with Faithful. Then just as Jimmy was expecting the
gun to go off the chimney-sweep suddenly came round some laurels from
the back part of the house, with a bag of soot on his shoulders, and
walked right into the middle of it all.
Jimmy says the way his bloodhound had worked it all out made
even Jones minimus gasp. There was the pig being puzzled at the
chimney-sweep's face; there was the man with his double-barrelled
gun pointed straight at the chimney-sweep, and there was the
chimney-sweep, with both hands up in the air, shouting "Kamerad!" as
hard as he could.
Jones minimus couldn't get over it. To think that Jimmy's bloodhound
had actually made up the War Loan to 15s. 6d., and caught a German spy
at the same time, with nothing more to work with than a pig! Of course
Jimmy knew how old Faithful had done it, but then he knew what
a really prize bloodhound is capable of. It was the simultaneous
equations, of course.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Newcomer_ (_to veteran sanitary orderly_). "ARE YOU
THE REG'LAR GARD'NER, OR JUST IN FOR THE DAY?"]
* * * * *
"Scheinboden, who is very well known as a partisan of the
'Mailed Fish.'"--_Manchester Evening News_.
The very man for a submarine campaign.
* * * * *
"The main goal for which our troops went was the Oppy switch
line, a hastily constructed main goal for which our troops
went was the Oppy switch line, a hastily constructed trench
system by which the Germans have extended their Hindenburg
line northwards."--_Sunday Paper_.
Some of our contemporary's own lines seem also to have been rather
hastily constructed.
* * * * *