Ding-dong the lasses go! My patience it quite
passes, O!
My brain it turns, though with ROB BURNS, I dearly love the
lasses, O!
There's right and wrong on either hand; that's clear to all but
asses, O!
So hold your whist, drop each your fist, and to me list, fair
lasses, O!
Lancashire lass, I like you well. You're buxom, brave, and
bonny, O!
But do not slight your sense of right in hasty greed of
money, O!
When North _v._ South "clemmed" many a mouth, what patient,
patriot spirit, O!
Lancashire showed! All England glowed. That spirit you
inherit, O!
But in your wrath you've missed the path of fair and patriot
dealing, O!
Nay, do not pout. You'll wake, no doubt, to right Imperial
feeling, O!
The Empire's wide and can't be tied by shackles greed-begotten, O!
My _only_ duty now, my beauty, 's _not_--to sell your cotton, O!
Of bulk and bale your sale won't fail--if you keep up the
quality, O!
And do not trust to "devil's-dust"--which mars our
merchant-polity, O!
Some rascal-muffs, with loaded stuffs, have spoiled the Eastern
market, O!
Miss INDIA there will tell you where, and when she whispers,
hark it, O!
But with good goods you'll hold your own, despite that import
duty, O!
But you can't have _all_ your own way, my bold--but
angry--beauty, O!
Miss INDIA, there needs constant care; she has not _your_
resources, O!
You raise your voice against my choice 'twixt two unwelcome
courses, O!
But I--though loth--considering _both_ on my responsibility, O!
Have done my best, and for my pains from both meet incivility, O!
I've tried to bear the balance fair, 'twixt countries, trades, and
classes, O!
And lo! my lot is anger hot from _both_ you bickering
lasses, O!
Miss INDIA'S eyes, at the Excise, excitedly are
flashing, O!
My dusky dear, 'tis hard to steer 'twixt interests wildly
clashing, O!
I love ye both, and I were loth to make--or see--ye quarrel, O!
But--a divided duty's mine, and that's my homily's moral, O!
And so, my dears, abate your fears, and likewise stint your
shindy, O!
The Lass of Lancashire should shake hands with the Lass from
"Indy," O!
I'll do my best for East and West. Brim high three bumper
glasses, O!
And let's drink health, and love, and wealth to both my bonny
lasses, O!
* * * * *
A Colourable Correction.
"Bored to blues by a Blue-Book"? I fear you are not
Up to date in your choice of a tint, my dear fellow.
The type of sheer boredom, and dulness, and rot,
Is not now the Blue of old days, but the Yellow.
As Blue-Stockings now half the sex might be mustered,
The New Woman doubtless wears hose hued like custard.
* * * * *
NEXT BEST THING TO THE PERSIAN LOCOMOTIVE CARPET OF EASTERN
FABLE.--The "Travelling Rug" of Western fact.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "A DIVIDED DUTY."]
MR. BULL. "NOW, GIRLS, STOP THIS! REMEMBER I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU
BOTH."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE COUNTER-CHECK QUARRELSOME.
_Mr. Æsopus Delasparre._ "I WILL ASK YOU TO FAVOUR ME, MADAM, BY
REFRAINING FROM LAUGHING AT ME ON THE STAGE DURING MY THIRD ACT."
_Miss Jones_ (_sweetly_). "OH, BUT I ASSURE YOU YOU'RE MISTAKEN,
MR. DELASPARRE; I NEVER LAUGH AT YOU ON THE STAGE--I WAIT TILL I GET
HOME!"]
* * * * *