Then the poor Soul began to practise this course with so much
earnestness that it conceived it should get the victory presently, but
it found that the Gates of Heaven were shut against it in its own
strength and power, and it was, as it were, rejected and forsaken by
God, and received not so much as one look or glimpse of Grace from him.
Upon which it said to itself; _Surely thou hast not sincerely submitted
thyself to God. Desire nothing at all of him, but only submit thyself to
his judgment and condemnation, that he may kill thy evil inclinations.
Sink down into him beyond the Limits of Nature and Creature, and submit
thyself to him, that he may do with thee what he will, for thou art not
worthy to speak to him._ Accordingly the Soul took a resolution to sink
down, and to forsake its own will; and when it had done so there fell
upon it presently the greatest repentance that could be for the sins it
had committed; and it bewailed bitterly its ugly shape, and was truly
and deeply sorry that the evil Creatures did dwell in it. And because of
its sorrow it could not speak one word more in the Presence of God, but
in this repentance did consider the bitter Passion and Death of Jesus
Christ, viz., what great anguish and torment he had suffered for its
sake, in order to deliver it out of its anguish, and change it into the
Image of God. In which consideration it wholly sank down, and did
nothing but complain of its ignorance and negligence, and that it had
not been thankful to its Redeemer, nor once considered the great love he
had shown to it, but had idly spent its time, and not at all regarded
how it might come to partake of his purchased and proffered Grace; but
instead thereof had formed in itself the images and figures of earthly
things, with the vain lusts and pleasures of the World. Whereby it had
gotten such bestial inclinations that now it must lie captive in great
misery, and for very shame dared not lift up its eyes to God, Who hid
the light of his countenance from it and would not so much as look upon
it. And as it was thus sighing and crying it was drawn into the Abyss or
Pit of Horror, and laid as it were at the Gates of Hell there to perish.
Upon which the poor troubled Soul was, as it were, bereft of sense, and
wholly forsaken, so that it in a manner forgot all its doings, and would
willingly yield itself to Death, and cease to be a Creature. Accordingly
it did yield itself to Death, and desired nothing else but to die and
perish in the Death of its Redeemer Jesus Christ, who had suffered such
torments and death for its sake. And in this perishing it began to sigh
and pray in itself very inwardly to the Divine Goodness, and to sink
down into the mere Mercy of God.
Upon this there suddenly appeared unto it the Love of God, as a great
Light which penetrated through it, and made it exceedingly joyful. It
then began to pray aright, and to thank the Most High for such Grace,
and to rejoice abundantly that it was delivered from the Death and
Anguish of Hell. Now it tasted of the Sweetness of God, and of his
promised Truth; and how all the evil Spirits which had harassed it
before, and kept it back from the Grace, Love, and inward Presence of
God, were forced to depart from it. The wedding of the Lamb was now kept
and solemnised, that is, the Noble _Sophia_ espoused or betrothed
herself to the Soul, and the Seal-Ring of Christ's victory was impressed
into its Essence, and it was received to be a Child and Heir of God
again.
When this was done the Soul became very joyful, and began to work in
this new power, and to celebrate with praise the wonders of God, and
thought thenceforth to walk continually in the same Light, Strength, and
Joy. But it was soon assaulted: from _without_ by the shame and reproach
of the World, and from _within_ by great temptation, so that it began to
doubt whether its ground was truly from God, and whether it had really
partaken of his Grace. For the accuser Satan went to it, and would fain
lead it out of its course, and make it doubtful whether it was the true
way, whispering thus to it inwardly; _This happy change in thy Spirit is
not from God, but only from thy own imagination._ Also the Divine Light
retired in the Soul, and shone but in the inward ground, as fire raked
up in embers, so that Reason was perplexed, and thought itself forsaken,
and the Soul knew not what had happened to itself, nor whether it had
really and truly tasted of the heavenly gift or not. Yet it could not
leave off struggling; for the burning Fire of Love was sown in it, which
had raised in it a vehement and continual Hunger and Thirst after the
Divine Sweetness. So at length it began to pray aright, and to humble
itself in the Presence of God, and to examine and try its evil
inclinations and thoughts, and to put them away. By which means the Will
of Reason was broken, and the evil inclinations inherent in it were
killed and extirpated more and more. This process was very severe and
painful to the Nature of the Body, for it made it faint and weak as if
it had been very sick; and yet it was no natural sickness that it had,
but only the melancholy of its earthly Nature, feeling and lamenting
the destruction of its evil lusts.
Now when the earthly Reason found itself thus forsaken, and the poor
Soul saw that it was despised outwardly and derided by the World,
because it would walk no longer in the way of Wickedness and Vanity; and
also that it was inwardly assaulted by the accuser Satan, who mocked it,
and continually set before it the beauty, riches and glory of the World,
and called it a fool for not embracing them; it began to think and say
thus within itself: _O eternal God, what shall I now do to come to
Rest?_