The sun shone as brightly as in spring, yet in the calm, clear air the
touch of autumn could be felt. Here and there the trees showed brown
and yellow leaves in which the wistful voice of a bird occasionally
broke the silence, while large insects buzzed lazily above their ruined
kingdom of faded grasses and withered flowers where luxuriant weeds now
waxed apace.
Yourii sauntered through the garden. Lost in his thoughts, he gazed at
the sky, at the green and yellow leaves, and the shining water, as if
he were looking on them all for the last time, and must fix them in his
memory so as never to forget them. He felt vague sorrow at his heart,
for it seemed as though with every moment something precious was
passing away from him that could never be recalled; his youth that had
brought him no joy; his place as an active sharer in the great and
useful work upon which all his energies had once been concentrated. Yet
why he should have thus lost ground he could not tell. He was firmly
convinced that he possessed latent powers that should revolutionize the
world, and a mind far broader in its outlook than that of anyone else;
but he could not explain why he had this conviction, and he would have
been ashamed to admit the fact even to his most intimate friend.
“Ah! well,” he thought, gazing at the red and yellow reflections of the
foliage in the stream, “perhaps what I do is the wisest and the best.
Death ends it all, however one may have lived or tried to live. Oh!
there comes Lialia,” he murmured, as he saw his sister approaching.
“Happy Lialia! She lives like a butterfly, from day to day, wanting
nothing, and troubled by nothing. Oh! if I could live as she does.”
Yet this was only just a passing thought, for in reality he would on no
account have wished to exchange his own spiritual tortures for the
feather-brain existence of a Lialia.
“Yourii! Yourii!” she exclaimed in a shrill voice though she was not
more than three paces distant from him. Laughing roguishly, she handed
him a little rose-coloured missive.
Yourii suspected something.
“From whom?” he asked, sharply,
“From Sinotschka Karsavina,” said Lialia, shaking her finger at him,
significantly.
Yourii blushed deeply. To receive through his sister a little pink,
scented letter like this seemed utterly silly; in fact ridiculous. It
positively annoyed him. Lialia, as she walked beside him, prattled in
sentimental fashion about his attachment to Sina, just as sisters will,
who are intensely interested in their brothers’ love-affairs. She said
how fond she was of Sina, and how delighted she would be if they made a
match of it, and got married.
At the luckless word “married,” Yourii’s face grew redder still, and in
his eyes there was a malevolent look. He saw before him an entire
romance of the usual provincial type; rose-pink _billets-doux_, sisters
as confidantes, orthodox matrimony, with its inevitable commonplace
sequel, home, wife, and babies—the one thing on earth that he dreaded
most.
“Oh! Enough of all that twaddle, please!” he said in so sharp a tone
that Lialia was amazed.
“Don’t make such a fuss!” she exclaimed, pettishly. “If you _are_ in
love, what does it matter? I can’t think why you always pose as such an
extraordinary hero.”
This last sentence had a touch of feminine spite in it, and the shaft
struck home. Then, with a graceful movement of her dress which
disclosed her dainty open-work stockings, she turned abruptly on her
heel like some petulant princess, and went indoors.
Yourii watched her, with anger in his dark eyes, as he tore open the
envelope.
YOURII NICOLAIJEVITCH:
“If you have time, and the wish to do so, will you come to the
monastery to-day? I shall be there with my aunt. She is preparing
for the Communion, and will be in church the whole time. It will be
dreadfully dull for me and I want to talk to you about lots of
things. Do come. Perhaps I ought not to have written to you, but,
anyhow, I shall expect you.”
In a moment all that had occupied his thoughts vanished, as with a
thrill of pleasure almost physical he read and read the letter. This
pure, charming girl in one short phrase had thus in naïve, trusting
fashion revealed to him the secret of her love. It was as though she
had come to him, helpless and pained, unable to resist the love that
made her give herself up to him, yet not knowing what might befall. So
near to him now seemed the goal, that Yourii trembled at the thought of
possession. He strove to smile ironically, but the effort failed. His
whole being was filled with joy, and such was his exhilaration that,
like a bird, he felt ready to soar above the tree-tops, away, afar,
into the blue, sunlit air.
Towards evening he hired a _droschky_ and drove towards the monastery,
smiling on the world timidly, almost in confusion. On reaching the
landing-stage he took a boat, and was rowed by a stalwart peasant to
the hill.
It was not until the boat got clear of the reeds into the broad, open
stream that he became conscious that his happiness was entirely due to
the little rose-coloured letter.
“After all, it’s simple enough,” he said to himself, by way of
explanation. “She has always lived in that sort of world. It’s just a
provincial romance. Well, what if it is?”
The water rippled gently on each side of the boat that brought him
nearer and nearer to the green hill. On reaching the shore, Yourii in
his excitement gave the boatman half a rouble and began to climb the
slopes. Signs of approaching dusk were already perceptible. Long
shadows lay at the foot of the hill, and heavy mists rose from the
earth, hiding the yellow tint of the foliage, so that the forest looked
as green and dense as in summer. The court-yard of the monastery was
silent and solemn as the interior of a church. The grave, tall poplars
looked as if they were praying, and like shadows the dark forms of
monks moved hither and thither. At the church-porch lamps glimmered,
and in the air there was a faint odour either of incense or of faded
poplar-leaves.
“Hullo, Svarogitsch!” shouted some one behind him.
Yourii turned round, and saw Schafroff, Sanine, Ivanoff and Peter
Ilitch, who came across the court-yard, talking loudly and merrily. The
monks glanced apprehensively in their direction and even the poplars
seemed to lose something of their devotional calm.
“We’ve all come here, too,” said Schafroff, approaching Yourii whom he
revered.
“So I see,” muttered Yourii irritably.
“You’ll join our party, won’t you?” asked Schafroff as he came nearer.
“No, thank you, I am engaged,” said Yourii, with some impatience.
“Oh! that’s all right! You’ll come along with us, I know,” exclaimed
Ivanoff, as he good-humouredly caught hold of his arm. Yourii
endeavoured to free himself, and for a while a droll struggle took
place.
“No, no, damn it all, I can’t!” cried Yourii, almost angry now.
“Perhaps I’ll join you later.” Such rough pleasantry on Ivanoff’s part
was not at all to his liking.
“All right,” said Ivanoff, as he released him, not noticing his
irritation. “We will wait for you, so mind you come.”
“Very well.”
Thus, laughing and gesticulating, they departed. The court-yard became
silent and solemn as before. Yourii took off his cap, and in a mood
half-mocking, half shy, he entered the church. He at once perceived
Sina, close to one of the dark pillars. In her grey jacket and round
straw-hat she looked like a school-girl. His heart beat faster. She
seemed so sweet, so charming, with her black hair in a neat coil at the
back of her pretty white neck. It was this _air de pensioner_ while
being a tall, well-grown, shapely young woman, that to him was so
intensely alluring. Conscious of his gaze, she looked round, and in her
dark eyes there was an expression of shy pleasure.
“How do you do?” said Yourii, speaking in a low voice that yet was not
low enough. He was not sure if he ought to shake hands in a church.
Several members of the congregation looked round, and their swart,
parchment-like faces made him feel more uncomfortable. He actually
blushed, but Sina, seeing his confusion, smiled at him, as a mother
might, with love in her eyes, and Yourii stood there, blissful and
obedient.
Sina gave no further glances, but kept crossing herself with great
zeal. Yet Yourii knew that she was only thinking of him, and it was
this consciousness that established a secret bond between them. The
blood throbbed in his veins, and all seemed full of mystery and wonder.
The dark interior of the church, the chanting, the dim lights, the
sighs of worshippers, the echoing of feet of those who entered or went
out—of all this Yourii took careful note, as in such solemn silence he
could plainly hear the beating of his heart. He stood there,
motionless, his eyes fixed on Sina’s white neck and graceful figure,
feeling a joy that bordered on emotion. He wanted to show every one
that, although faith he had none in prayers, or chants, or lights, he
yet was not opposed to them. This led him to contrast his present happy
frame of mind with the distressful thoughts of the morning.
“So that one really can be happy, eh?” he asked himself, answering the
question at once. “Of course one can. All my thoughts regarding death
and the aimlessness of life are correct and logical, yet in spite of it
all, a man can sometimes be happy. If I am happy, it is all due to this
beautiful creature that only a short time ago I had never seen.”
Suddenly the droll thought came to him that, long ago, as little
children, perhaps they had met and parted, never dreaming that some day
they would fall violently in love with each other, and that she would
give herself to him in all her ripe, radiant nudity. It was this last
thought that brought a flush to his cheeks and for a while he felt
afraid to look at her. Meanwhile she who his wanton fancy had thus
unclothed stood there in front of him, pure and sweet, in her little
grey jacket and round hat, praying silently that his love for her might
be as tender and deep as her own. In some way her virginal modesty must
have influenced Yourii, for the lustful thoughts vanished, and tears of
emotion filled his eyes. Looking upwards, he saw the gleaming gold
above the altar, and the sacred cross round which the yellow tapers
shone, and with a fervour long since forgotten he mentally ejaculated:
“O God, if thou dost exist, let this maiden love me, and let my love
for her be always as great as at this moment.”
He felt slightly ashamed at his own emotion, and sought to dismiss it
with a smile.
“It’s all nonsense, after all,” he thought.
“Come,” said Sina in a whisper that sounded like a sigh.
Solemnly, as if in their souls they bore away with them all the
chanting, and the prayers, the sighs and mystic lights, they went out
across the court-yard, side by side, and passed through the little door
leading to the mountain-slope. Here there was no living soul. The high
white wall and time-worn turrets seemed to shut them out from the world
of men. At their feet lay the oak forest; far below shone the river
like a mirror of silver, while in the distance fields and meadows were
merged in the dim horizon-line.
In silence they advanced to the edge of the slope, aware that they
ought to do something, to say something, yet feeling all the while that
they had not sufficient courage. Then Sina raised her head, when,
unexpectedly yet quite simply and naturally, her lips met Yourii’s. She
trembled and grew pale as he gently embraced her, and for the first
time felt her warm, supple body in his arms. A bell chimed in that
silence. To Yourii it seemed to celebrate the moment in which each had
found the other. Sina, laughing, broke away from him and ran back.
“Auntie will wonder what has become of me! Wait here, and I’ll be back
soon.”
Afterwards Yourii could never remember if she had said this to him in a
loud, clear voice that echoed through the woodland, or if the words had
floated to him like a soft whisper on the evening breeze. He sat down
on the grass and smoothed his hair with his hand.
“How silly, and yet how delightful it all is!” he thought, smiling. In
the distance he heard Sina’s voice.
“I’m coming, auntie, I’m coming.”