It is a well-known and established fact, that nothing so far conduces to
the domestic happiness of all circles as the golden system of living
within one's income. Luxuries cease to be so if after-reflection produces
vexatious results; comfort flies before an exorbitant and unprepared-for
demand; and the debtor dunned by the merciless creditor sinks into
something worse than a cipher, as nothingness is denied him, and the _one_
standing before him but aggravates, and multiplies his painful annoyances.
The great secret of satisfactory existence derives its origin from
well-calculated and moderate expenditure. Ten thousand a year renders
pines cheap at 1l. 11s. 6d. per pound; ten hundred is better exemplified
by Ribston pippins!
So in all grades are there various matters of taste which become
extravagance if rushed into by persons unbreeched for the occasion.
Luckily for the present day, the tastes of the gourmand and epicure are
merged in more manly sports; the great class of Corinthian aristocrats
cull sweets from the blackened eyes of policemen--raptures from
wrenched-off knockers--merriment in contusions--and frantic delight in
fractured limbs! These innocent amusements have in their prosecution
plunged many of their thoughtless and high-spirited devotees into
pecuniary difficulties, simply from their ignorance of the costs attendant
upon such exciting, fashionable, and therefore highly proper amusements.
Ever anxious to ameliorate the suffering and persecuted of ail classes,
Messrs. Quibble and Quirk, attorneys-at-law, beg to offer their
professional services at the following fixed and equitable rate,--they,
Messrs. Q. and Q., pledging themselves that on no occasion shall the
charge exceed the sum opposite the particular amusement in the following
list.
N.B. Five per cent, per annum taken off for terms of imprisonment.
[Illustration: hand] N.B. For prompt payment only.
Messrs. Q. and Q.'s _card_ of charges for defending a
Nobleman, Right Honble., Baronet, Knight, Esquire., Gentleman,
Younger Son, Head Clerk, Junior do., Westminster Boy, Medical
Student, Grecian at Christ's Church, Monitor, or any other
miscellaneous individual aping or belonging to the aristocracy,
from the following prosecutions:--
£ s.
To breaking a policeman's neck 50 0
To producing witnesses to swear policeman broke same
himself 10 0
To choice of situation of house in street where done,
from roof of which policeman fell; fee to landlord'
for number and affidavit 10 10
-----
Total for neck, acquittal, witnesses, and perjury £70 10
-----
For do. leg, ribs, arms, head, nose, or other
unimportant member 15 0
For receipt written by wife of handsome provision 1 0
For writing and indorsing same 5 5
Extras for alibis, if necessary; hire of clothes for
witnesses to look decent, including loss by their
absconding with the name 10 10
-----
Total £31 15
-----
For knockers by gross in populous neighbourhoods 20 0
For carpenter proving same never fitted their
respective doors there engaged 3 3
All extras included 1 1
-----
Total £24 4
N.B.--Messrs. Q. and Q. beg to suggest, as the above charges are
low, the old iron may as well be left at their offices.
For railings, per knob or dozen, assaults on police
included, if not amounting to fracture 5 5
For suppressing police reports, or getting them put
in in a sporting manner, the word gentleman
substituted for prisoner, and "seat on the bench"
for "place at the bar" 10 10
-----
Total £15 15
And all other legal articles in the above lines at equally low
charges.
Noblemen and gentlemen contracting for seven years allowed a
handsome discount. No connexion with any other house.
* * * * *
"WHEN VULCAN FORGED," &c.
"Bless my soul!" said Sir Peter Laurie, rushing into the Justice-room the
morning the Exchequer Bill affair was discovered, and seizing Hobler by
the button; "This is a dreadful business. Have you any idea, Hobler, who
the delinquent is?" "Why really, Sir Peter, 'tis difficult to say; but
from an inspection of the _forged_ instruments I should say it was
_Smith's work_." Sir Peter felt the importance of the suggestion, and
rushed off to Sir Robert Peel to recommend the stoppage of all the forges
in the kingdom.
* * * * *