Be not afraid, gentle reader, that, from the title of our present article,
we are about to prescribe for you any political draught. No! be assured
that we know as little about politics as pyrotechny--that we are as
blissfully ignorant of all that relates to the science of government as
that of gastronomy--and have ever since our boyhood preferred the solid
consistency of gingerbread to the crisp insipidity of parliament. The
candidates of whom we write were no would-be senators--no sprouting
Ciceros or embryo Demosthenes'--they were no aspirants for the grand
honour of representing the honest and independent stocks and stones of
some ancient rotten borough, or, what is about the same thing, the
enlightened ten-pound voters of some modern reformed one--they were not
ambitious of the proud privilege of appending for seven years two letters
to their names, and of franking some half-dozen others _per diem_. No! the
rivals who form the theme of our present paper were emulous of obtaining
no place in Parliament, but, what is far more desirable, a place in the
affections of a lovely maid. They sought not for the suffrages of the
unwashed, but for the smiles of a fair one,--they neither desired to be
returned as the representative of so many sordid voters for the term of
seven years (a term of transportation common alike to M.P.s and
pickpockets), but for the more permanent honour of being elected as the
partner of a certain lady for life.
Georgiana Gray was the lovely object of the rivalry of the above
candidates; and a damsel more eminently qualified to be the innocent cause
of contention could not be found within the whole catalogue of those dear
destructive little creatures who, from Eve downwards, have always
possessed a peculiar patent for mischief-making. Georgiana was as handsome
as she was rich. She was, in the superlative sense of the word, a beauty,
and--what ought to be written in letters of gold--an heiress. She had the
figure of a sylph, and the purse of a nabob. Her face was lovely and
animated enough to enrapture a Raffaelle, and her fortune ample enough to
captivate a Rothschild. She had a clear rent-roll of 20,000l. per
annum,--and a pair of eyes that, independent of her other attractions,
were sufficiently fascinating to seduce Diogenes himself into matrimony.
Philosophers generally affirm that the only substance capable of producing
a magnetic effect is steel; but had they been witnesses of the great
attraction that the fortune of our fair heroine had for its many eager
pursuers, they would doubtless have agreed with us that the metal
possessing the greatest possible power of magnetism is decidedly--gold.
Innumerable were the butterflies that were drawn towards the lustre of
the lovely Georgiana's money; and many a suitor, who set a high value upon
his personal qualifications, might be found at her side endeavouring to
persuade its pretty possessor of the eligible investment that might be
made of the property in himself. Report, however, had invidiously declared
that Georgiana looked with a cold and contemptuous eye upon the addresses
of all save two.
Augustus Peacock and Julius Candy (this enviable duo) were two such young
men as may be met with in herds any fine afternoon publishing their
persons to the frequenters of Regent-street. They did credit to their
tailors, who were liberal enough to give them credit in return. Their
coats were guiltless of a wrinkle, their gloves immaculate in their
chastity, and their boots resplendent in their brilliancy. Indeed they
were human annuals--splendidly bound, handsomely embellished--but replete
with nothing but fashionable frivolities. They never ventured out till
such time as they imagined the streets were well-aired, and were never
known to indulge in an Havannah till twelve o'clock P.M. They were
scrupulous in their attentions to the Opera and the figurantes, and had no
objection to wear the chains of matrimony provided the links were made of
gold. In fine, they were of that common genus of gentlemen who lounge
through life, and leave nothing behind them but a tombstone and a small
six-shilling advertisement amongst the Deaths of some morning newspaper as
a record of their having existed.
Such were the persons and the qualifications of the gentlemen to whom
report had assigned the possession of the hand and fortune of the fair
Georgiana Gray. But, happy as they respectively felt to be thus singled
out for the proud distinction, still the knowledge of there being a rival
in the field to dispute the glories of the conquest materially detracted
from that feeling. They had each heard of the pretensions of the other;
and while the peace of the one was repeatedly disturbed by the panegyrics
of Mr. P., the harmony of the other met with an equal violation from the
eulogies of Mr. C.; and although their respective vanities would not allow
them to believe that the lady in question could be so deficient in taste
as to prefer any other person to their precious selves, still it was but
natural that they should neither look upon the other with any other
feeling than that of disgust at the egregious impudence, and contempt for
the superlative conceit, that could lead any other man to enter the lists
as an opponent to themselves. Repeatedly had Mr. P. been heard to express
his desire to lengthen the olfactory organ of Mr. C.; while the latter had
frequently been known to declare that nothing would confer greater
gratification upon him than to endorse with his cane the person of Mr. P.
In fact, they hated each other with all possible cordiality. Fortunately,
however, circumstances had never brought them into collision.
It was a lovely afternoon in May. All the world were returning to town.
Georgiana Gray had just forsaken Harrowgate and its waters, to participate
in the thickening gaieties of the metropolis. Augustus Peacock had
abandoned the moors of Scotland for the beauties of Almack's; and Julius
Candy had hastened from the banks of the Wye for the fascinations of
Taglioni and the Opera.
The first object of Augustus on returning to town was to hasten and pay
his devoirs to _his_ intended. With this intent he proceeded to the
mansion of Georgiana, and was ushered into the drawing-room, with the
assurance that the lady would be with him immediately. The servant,
however, had no sooner quitted the apartment than Mr. Candy, actuated by a
similar motive, knocked at the door, and was speedily conducted into the
presence of his rival.
The two gentlemen, being mutually ignorant of the person of the other,
bowed with all the formality usual to a first introduction.
"Fine day, sir," said Augustus Peacock, after a short pause, little aware
that he was holding communion with his rival.
"It is--very fine, sir," returned Julius Candy with a smile, which, had he
been conscious of the person he was addressing, would instantly have been
converted into a most contemptuous sneer.
"Have you had the pleasure of seeing Miss Gray, sir, since her return from
Harrowgate?" inquired Augustus, with the soft civility of a man of
fashion.
"No,--I have not yet had that honour, sir; no,"--replied Julius, with a
slight inclination of his body.
"Charming girl, sir," remarked Mr. Peacock.
"Fascinating creature," responded Mr. Candy.
"Did you ever see _such_ eyes, sir?" continued Mr. P.
"Never! 'pon my honour! never!"--exclaimed Julius, in a tone of moderate
enthusiasm. "You may call _them_ eyes, sir," and here he elevated his own.
"And what lips?"
"Positively provoking!"
"Ah, sir!" languishingly remarked Augustus, "he will be a happy may who
gets possession of such a treasure!"
"He will, indeed, sir," returned his unknown rival, with an air of
self-satisfaction, as if he believed that happiness was likely to be his
own.
"You are aware, I suppose, sir," proceeded the communicative Mr. Peacock,
"that there is a certain party whom Miss Gray looks upon with particular
favour"--and the gentleman, to give peculiar emphasis to the remark,
slightly elevated his cravat.
"I should think I ought to be"--pointedly returned Mr. C.--simpering
somewhat diffidently at the idea that the observation was levelled at
himself.
The two rivals looked at each other, tittered, and bowed.
"Ah! yes--I dare say--observed it, no doubt!" said Augustus, when his
emotion had subsided.
"Why, yes--I should have been blind indeed could I have failed to remark
it," responded Julius.
"Ah yes--you're right--yes--Miss Gray's attentions have been particularly
marked, certainly--yes."
"They have been, sir, very, _very_ marked--she's quite taken, poor thing,
I believe!"
"Yes, poor creature!--sadly smitten indeed!--The lady has confessed as
much to you perhaps, sir?"
Mr. Candy looked surprised at the remark of his companion, and replied
"Why really, sir, that is a question which"--
"Ah, yes, I beg pardon, I was wrong--yes, I ought to have considered--but
candidly, sir, what do you think of the match?"
"'Pon my honour, my dear sir," exclaimed Julius most feelingly, colouring
slightly at the question, which he thought was rather home-thrust.
"Ah, yes, to be sure, it is rather a delicate question, considering, you
know, that one is in the presence of the party himself, is it not?"
"Very, _very_ delicate, I can assure you," said Julius, who, "laying the
flattering unction to his soul" that he was the party alluded to, thought
it rather an indelicate one.
Augustus observed the embarrassment of his companion, and could not
refrain from laughter, and turning round to his companion, enquired
significantly, "whether he did not think he was a happy man?"
Julius, who was in a measure similarly affected by the excitement of his
unknown friend, observed, that the gentleman certainly did seem of a
peculiarly gay disposition; and the two rivals, each delighted with the
fancied approval of his suit by the other, indulged a mutual cachinnation.
"I suppose," after a slight pause remarked Augustus, with apparently
perfect indifference, "you are aware that there was a rival in the field?"
"Oh! ah! did hear of a fellow," responded Julius, with equal
_insouciance_, "but the idea of any other man carrying off the prize,
perfectly ridiculous!"
"Oh! absolutely ludicrous, 'pon my soul! Ha! ha! ha!"
"It is astonishing the confounded vanity of some people!"
"And their preposterous obtuseness! why, a man with half an eye might see
the folly of such presumption."
"To be sure, stupid dolt!"
"Impudent puppy!"
"Conceited fool!"
"The fellow must be out of his senses!"
"Yes, a horsewhipping perhaps might bring him to!"
"Ay, or a good kicking might be salutary!"
The unanimity of the rival candidates produced, as might be supposed from
their ignorance of the pretensions of each other, a feeling of mutual
satisfaction and friendship, which, after a volley of anathemas had been
fired by each gentleman against his rival, in absolute unconsciousness of
his presence, ultimately displayed itself by each of them rising from his
chair, and shaking the other most energetically by the hand.
"Really, my dear sir," exclaimed Augustus in an inordinate fit of
enthusiasm, at the supposed sympathy of his companion, "I never met with
a gentleman so peculiarly to my fancy as yourself."
"The feeling is perfectly reciprocal, believe me, my dear sir," returned
Julius, equally delighted with the imagined friendship of Mr. P.
"I trust that our acquaintance will not end here."
"I shall be most proud to cultivate it, I can assure you."
"Will you allow me to present you with a card?"
"I shall be too happy to exchange it for one of my own!" and so saying,
the parties searched for their cases--Mr. P., in the mean time, protesting
his gratification "to meet with a gentleman whose opinions so thoroughly
coincided with his own,"--and Mr. C. as emphatically declaring "that he
should ever consider this the most fortunate occurrence of his life."
"Believe me, I shall be most happy to see you at any time," observed Mr.
Augustus Peacock, smiling as he placed the small oblong of cardboard which
bore his name and address in the hand of his companion.
"I shall feel too proud if you will honour me with a call at your earliest
convenience," said Mr. Julius Candy bowing, while he presented to his
fancied friend the little pasteboard parallelogram inscribed with his
title and residence.
The eyes of the two gentlemen, however, were no sooner directed to the
cards, which had been placed in their hands, than the smiles which had
previously gladdened their countenances were instantaneously changed into
expressions of the most indignant scorn and surprise.
"Peacock!" shouted Candy.
"Candy!" vociferated Peacock.
"Sir!" exclaimed the furious Mr. P., "had I known that Candy was the name
of the man, sir, whom I was addressing, sir, my conduct you would have
found, sir, of a very different character!"
"And had I been aware," retorted the exasperated Mr. C., "that Peacock was
the title of the _fellow_" (and he laid a forty-horse power of emphasis
upon the word) "with whom I have been conversing, my card would never have
been delivered to him but with a different motive."
"Fellow, sir! I think you said--_Fellow_, sir!"
"I did, sir,--fellow was the word I used, and I repeat
it--fellow--fellow!"
"You do, sir! and I throw back in your teeth, sir, with the addition of
fool, sir!"
"Fool!--no, no--not quite a fool--only _near_ one, sir!"
"You're a conceited puppy, sir!"
"And you are an impudent scoundrel, sir!"
This brought matters to a crisis. The parties embraced their canes with
more than ordinary ardour, and, by their lowering looks, indicated a
fervent desire to violate the peace of her blessed Majesty, when the fair
cause of their contention suddenly entered the apartment.
It was no difficult matter, in the positions they occupied, for Georgiana
to divine the reason of their animosity; which she effectually allayed by
informing the angry disputants, "that either had no reason to look upon
the other with any degree of jealousy, for she humbly begged to assure
them that her affections were devoted to--_neither_."
This, of course, put a full stop to their chivalry: each party seized his
hat, bowing distantly to the insensible Georgiana, and left the house,
vowing certain destruction to the other; but, upon cool reflection,
Messrs. C. and P. doubtless deemed it advisable not to endanger the small
quantum of brains they individually possessed, by fighting for a lady who
was so utterly blind to their manifold merits.
Thus ended the feud of THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.
* * * * *