Whether you will blame me or not, I cannot tell, but I have deposited
a letter confirming my resolution to leave this house on Monday next,
within the hour mentioned in my former, if possible. I have not kept a
copy of it. But this is the substance:
I tell him, 'That I have no way to avoid the determined resolution of
my friends in behalf of Mr. Solmes, but by abandoning this house by his
assistance.'
I have not pretended to make a merit with him on this score; for I
plainly tell him, 'That could I, without an unpardonable sin, die when I
would, I would sooner make death my choice, than take a step, which all
the world, if not my own heart, would condemn me for taking.'
I tell him, 'That I shall not try to bring any other clothes with me
than those I shall have on; and those but my common wearing-apparel;
lest I should be suspected. That I must expect to be denied the
possession of my estate: but that I am determined never to consent to a
litigation with my father, were I to be reduced to ever so low a state:
so that the protection I am to be obliged for to any one, must be alone
for the distress sake. That, therefore, he will have nothing to hope for
from this step that he had not before: and that in ever light I
reserve to myself to accept or refuse his address, as his behaviour and
circumspection shall appear to me to deserve.'
I tell him, 'That I think it best to go into a private lodging in the
neighbourhood of Lady Betty Lawrance; and not to her ladyship's house;
that it may not appear to the world that I have refuged myself in his
family; and that a reconciliation with my friends may not, on that
account, be made impracticable: that I will send for thither my faithful
Hannah; and apprize only Miss Howe where I am: that he shall instantly
leave me, and go to London, or to one of Lord M.'s seats; and as he had
promised not to come near me, but by my leave; contenting himself with a
correspondence by letter only.
'That if I find myself in danger of being discovered, and carried back
by violence, I will then throw myself directly into the protection
either of Lady Betty or Lady Sarah: but this only in case of absolute
necessity; for that it will be more to my reputation, for me, by the
best means I can, (taking advantage of my privacy,) to enter by a second
or third hand into a treaty of reconciliation with my friends.
'That I must, however, plainly tell him, 'That if, in this treaty, my
friends insist upon my resolving against marrying him, I will engage
to comply with them; provided they will allow me to promise him, that I
will never be the wife of any other man while he remains single, or is
living: that this is a compliment I am willing to pay him, in return for
the trouble and pains he has taken, and the usage he has met with on
my account: although I intimate, that he may, in a great measure, thank
himself (by reason of the little regard he has paid to his reputation)
for the slights he has met with.'
I tell him, 'That I may, in this privacy, write to my cousin Morden,
and, if possible, interest him in my cause.
'I take some brief notice then of his alternatives.'
You must think, my dear, that this unhappy force upon me, and this
projected flight, make it necessary for me to account to him much sooner
than I should otherwise choose to do, for every part of my conduct.
'It is not to be expected, I tell him, that your mother will embroil
herself, or suffer you or Mr. Hickman to be embroiled, on my account:
and as to his proposal of my going to London, I am such an absolute
stranger to every body there, and have such a bad opinion of the place,
that I cannot by any means think of going thither; except I should be
induced, some time hence, by the ladies of his family to attend them.
'As to the meeting he is desirous of, I think it by no means proper;
especially as it is so likely that I may soon see him. But that if any
thing occurs to induce me to change my mind, as to withdrawing, I will
then take the first opportunity to see him, and give him my reasons for
that change.
This, my dear, I the less scrupled to write, as it might qualify him to
bear such a disappointment, should I give it him; he having, besides,
behaved so very unexceptionably when he surprised me some time ago in
the lonely wood-house.
Finally, 'I commend myself, as a person in distress, and merely as such,
to his honour, and to the protection of the ladies of his family. I
repeat [most cordially, I am sure!] my deep concern for being forced to
take a step so disagreeable, and so derogatory to my honour. And having
told him, that I will endeavour to obtain leave to dine in the Ivy
Summer-house,* and to send Betty of some errand, when there, I leave the
rest to him; but imagine, that about four o'clock will be a proper time
for him to contrive some signal to let me know he is at hand, and for me
to unbolt the garden-door.'
* The Ivy Summer-house (or Ivy Bower, as it was sometimes
called in the family) was a place, that from a girl, this
young lady delighted in. She used, in the summer months,
frequently to sit and work, and read, and write, and draw,
and (when permitted) to breakfast, and dine, and sometimes
to sup, in it; especially when Miss Howe, who had an equal
liking to it, was her visiter and guest.
She describes it, in another letter (which appears not) as 'pointing to
a pretty variegated landscape of wood, water, and hilly country; which
had pleased her so much, that she had drawn it; the piece hanging up, in
her parlous, among some of her other drawings.'
I added, by way of postscript, 'That their suspicions seeming to
increase, I advise him to contrive to send or some to the usual place,
as frequently as possible, in the interval of time till Monday morning
ten or eleven o'clock; as something may possibly happen to make me alter
my mind.'
O my dear Miss Howe!--what a sad, sad thing is the necessity, forced
upon me, for all this preparation and contrivance!--But it is now too
late!--But how!--Too late, did I say?--What a word is that!--What a
dreadful thing, were I to repent, to find it to be too late to remedy
the apprehended evil!