And now, my dear, what shall I conclude upon? You see how
determined--But how can I expect your advice will come time enough
to stand me in any stead? For here I have been down, and already have
another letter from Mr. Lovelace [the man lives upon the spot, I think:]
and I must write to him, either that I will or will not stand to my
first resolution of escaping hence on Monday next. If I let him know
that I will not, (appearances so strong against him and for Solmes, even
stronger than when I made the appointment,) will it not be justly deemed
my own fault, if I am compelled to marry their odious man? And if any
mischief ensue from Mr. Lovelace's rage and disappointment, will it not
lie at my door?--Yet, he offers so fair!--Yet, on the other hand, to
incur the censure of the world, as a giddy creature--but that, as he
hints, I have already incurred--What can I do?--Oh! that my cousin
Morden--But what signifies wishing?
I will here give you the substance of Mr. Lovelace's letter. The letter
itself I will send, when I have answered it; but that I will defer doing
as long as I can, in hopes of finding reason to retract an appointment
on which so much depends. And yet it is necessary you should have all
before you as I go along, that you may be the better able to advise me
in this dreadful crisis.
'He begs my pardon for writing with so much assurance; attributing it to
his unbounded transport; and entirely acquiesces to me in my will. He is
full of alternatives and proposals. He offers to attend me directly to
Lady Betty's; or, if I had rather, to my own estate; and that my Lord
M. shall protect me there.' [He knows not, my dear, my reasons for
rejecting this inconsiderate advice.] 'In either case, as soon as he
sees me safe, he will go up to London, or whither I please; and not
come near me, but by my own permission; and till I am satisfied in every
thing I am doubtful of, as well with regard to his reformation, as to
settlements, &c.
'To conduct me to you, my dear, is another of his proposals, not
doubting, he says, but your mother will receive me:* or, if that be not
agreeable to you, or to your mother, or to me, he will put me into Mr.
Hickman's protection; whom, no doubt he says, you can influence; and
that it may be given out, that I have gone to Bath, or Bristol, or
abroad; wherever I please.
* See Note in Letter V. of this Volume.
'Again, if it be more agreeable, he proposes to attend me privately to
London, where he will procure handsome lodgings for me, and both his
cousins Montague to receive me in them, and to accompany me till
all shall be adjusted to my mind; and till a reconciliation shall
be effected; which he assures me nothing shall be wanting in him to
facilitate, greatly as he has been insulted by all my family.
'These several measures he proposes to my choice; as it was unlikely,
he says, that he could procure, in the time, a letter from Lady Betty,
under her own hand, to invite me in form to her house, unless he
had been himself to go to that lady for it; which, at this critical
juncture, while he is attending my commands, is impossible.
'He conjures me, in the most solemn manner, if I would not throw him
into utter despair, to keep to my appointment.
'However, instead of threatening my relations, or Solmes, if I recede,
he respectfully says, that he doubts not, but that, if I do, it will be
upon the reason, as he ought to be satisfied with; upon no slighter,
he hopes, than their leaving me at full liberty to pursue my own
inclinations: in which (whatever they shall be) he will entirely
acquiesce; only endeavouring to make his future good behaviour the sole
ground for his expectation of my favour.
'In short, he solemnly vows, that his whole view, at present, is to free
me from my imprisonment; and to restore me to my future happiness. He
declares, that neither the hopes he has of my future favour, nor the
consideration of his own and his family's honour, will permit him to
propose any thing that shall be inconsistent with my own most scrupulous
notions: and, for my mind's sake, should choose to have the proposed end
obtained by my friends declining to compel me. But that nevertheless, as
to the world's opinion, it is impossible to imagine that the behaviour
of my relations to me has not already brought upon my family those
free censures which they deserve, and caused the step which I am so
scrupulous about taking, to be no other than the natural and expected
consequence of their treatment of me.'
Indeed, I am afraid all this is true: and it is owing to some little
degree of politeness, that Mr. Lovelace does not say all he might on
this subject: for I have no doubt that I am the talk, and perhaps the
bye-word of half the county. If so, I am afraid I can now do nothing
that will give me more disgrace than I have already so causelessly
received by their indiscreet persecutions: and let me be whose I
will, and do what I will, I shall never wipe off the stain which my
confinement, and the rigorous usage I have received, have fixed upon me;
at least in my own opinion.
I wish, if ever I am to be considered as one of the eminent family this
man is allied to, some of them do not think the worse of me for the
disgrace I have received. In that case, perhaps, I shall be obliged to
him, if he do not. You see how much this harsh, this cruel treatment
from my own family has humbled me! But perhaps I was too much exalted
before.
Mr. Lovelace concludes, 'with repeatedly begging an interview with me;
and that, this night, if possible: an hour, he says, he is the more
encouraged to solicit for, as I had twice before made him hope for it.
But whether he obtain it or not, he beseeches me to choose one of the
alternatives he offers to my acceptance; and not to depart from my
resolution of escaping on Monday, unless the reason ceases on which I
had taken it up; and that I have a prospect of being restored to
the favour of my friends; at least to my own liberty, and freedom of
choice.'
He renews all his vows and promises on this head in so earnest and so
solemn a manner, that (his own interest, and his family's honour, and
their favour for me, co-operating) I can have no room to doubt of his
sincerity.