At last she desired me to assure her, that I would offer no violence to
myself.
God, I said, had given me more grace, I hoped, than to permit me to be
guilty of so horrid a rashness, I was his creature, and not my own.
She then took leave of me; and I insisted upon her taking down with her
the odious parchments.
Seeing me in so ill an humour, and very earnest that she should take
them with her, she took them; but said, that my father should not know
that she did: and hoped I would better consider of the matter, and be
calmer next time they were offered to my perusal.
I revolved after she was gone all that my brother and sister had said.
I dwelt upon their triumphings over me; and found rise in my mind
a rancour that was new to me; and which I could not withstand.--And
putting every thing together, dreading the near day, what could I
do?--Am I in any manner excusable for what I did do?--If I shall be
condemned by the world, who know not my provocations, may I be acquitted
by you?--If not, I am unhappy indeed!--for this I did.
Having shaken off the impertinent Betty, I wrote to Mr. Lovelace, to
let him know, 'That all that was threatened at my uncle Antony's, was
intended to be executed here. That I had come to a resolution to throw
myself upon the protection of either of his two aunts, who would afford
it me--in short, that by endeavouring to obtain leave on Monday to dine
in the ivy summer-house, I would, if possible, meet him without the
garden-door, at two, three, four, or five o'clock on Monday afternoon,
as I should be able. That in the mean time he should acquaint me,
whether I might hope for either of those ladies' protection: and if I
might, I absolutely insisted that he should leave me with either, and go
to London himself, or remain at Lord M.'s; nor offer to visit me, till I
were satisfied that nothing could be done with my friends in an amicable
way; and that I could not obtain possession of my own estate, and leave
to live upon it: and particularly, that he should not hint marriage to
me, till I consented to hear him upon that subject.--I added, that if
he could prevail upon one of the Misses Montague to favour me with
her company on the road, it would make me abundantly more easy in the
thoughts of carrying into effect a resolution which I had not come to,
although so driven, but with the utmost reluctance and concern; and
which would throw such a slur upon my reputation in the eye of the
world, as perhaps I should never be able to wipe off.'
This was the purport of what I wrote; and down into the garden I slid
with it in the dark, which at another time I should not have had the
courage to do; and deposited it, and came up again unknown to any body.
My mind so dreadfully misgave me when I returned, that, to divert in
some measure my increasing uneasiness, I had recourse to my private pen;
and in a very short time ran this length.
And now, that I am come to this part, my uneasy reflections begin again
to pour in upon me. Yet what can I do?--I believe I shall take it back
again the first thing in the morning--Yet what can I do?
And who knows but they may have a still earlier day in their intention,
than that which will too soon come?
I hope to deposit this early in the morning for you, as I shall return
from resuming my letter, if I do resume it as my inwardest mind bids me.
Although it is now near two o'clock, I have a good mind to slide down
once more, in order to take back my letter. Our doors are always locked
and barred up at eleven; but the seats of the lesser hall-windows being
almost even with the ground without, and the shutters not difficult to
open, I could easily get out.
Yet why should I be thus uneasy, since, should the letter go, I can
but hear what Mr. Lovelace says to it? His aunts live at too great a
distance for him to have an immediate answer from them; so I can scruple
going to them till I have invitation. I can insist upon one of his
cousins meeting me in the chariot; and may he not be able to obtain
that favour from either of them. Twenty things may happen to afford me
a suspension at least: Why should I be so very uneasy?--When likewise
I can take back my letter early, before it is probable he will have the
thought of finding it there. Yet he owns he spends three parts of his
days, and has done for this fortnight past, in loitering about sometimes
in one disguise, sometimes in another, besides the attendance given by
his trusty servant when he himself is not in waiting, as he calls it.
But these strange forebodings!--Yet I can, if you advise, cause the
chariot he shall bring with him, to carry me directly to town, whither
in my London scheme, if you were to approve it, I had proposed to go:
and this will save you the trouble of procuring for me a vehicle; as
well as prevent any suspicion from your mother of your contributing to
my escape.
But, solicitous of your advice, and approbation too, if I can have it, I
will put an end to this letter.
Adieu, my dearest friend, adieu!