I have had a visit from my aunt Hervey. Betty, in her alarming way, told
me, I should have a lady to breakfast with me, whom I little expected;
giving me to believe it was my mother. This fluttered me so much, on
hearing a lady coming up-stairs, supposing it was she, (and not knowing
how to account for her motives in such a visit, after I had been so long
banished from her presence,) that my aunt, at her entrance, took notice
of my disorder; and, after her first salutation,
Why, Miss, said she, you seem surprised.--Upon my word, you thoughtful
young ladies have strange apprehensions about nothing at all. What,
taking my hand, can be the matter with you?--Why, my dear, tremble,
tremble, tremble, at this rate? You'll not be fit to be seen by any
body. Come, my love, kissing my cheek, pluck up a courage. By this
needless flutter on the approaching interview, when it is over you will
judge of your other antipathies, and laugh at yourself for giving way to
so apprehensive an imagination.
I said, that whatever we strongly imagined, was in its effect at the
time more than imaginary, although to others it might not appear so:
that I had not rested one hour all night: that the impertinent set over
me, by giving me room to think my mother was coming up, had so much
disconcerted me, that I should be very little qualified to see any body
I disliked to see.
There was no accounting for these things, she said. Mr. Solmes last
night supposed he should be under as much agitation as I could be.
Who is it, then, Madam, that so reluctant an interview on both sides, is
to please?
Both of you, my dear, I hope, after the first flurries are over. The
most apprehensive beginnings, I have often known, make the happiest
conclusions.
There can be but one happy conclusion to the intended visit; and that
is, That both sides may be satisfied it will be the last.
She then represented how unhappy it would be for me, if I did not suffer
myself to be prevailed upon: she pressed me to receive Mr. Solmes
as became my education: and declared, that his apprehensions on the
expectation he had of seeing me, were owing to his love and his awe;
intimating, That true love is ever accompanied by fear and reverence;
and that no blustering, braving lover could deserve encouragement.
To this I answered, That constitution was to be considered: that a
man of spirit would act like one, and could do nothing meanly: that
a creeping mind would creep into every thing, where it had a view to
obtain a benefit by it; and insult, where it had power, and nothing to
expect: that this was not a point now to be determined with me: that
I had said as much as I could possibly say on the subject: that this
interview was imposed upon me: by those, indeed, who had a right to
impose it: but that it was sorely against my will complied with: and for
this reason, that there was aversion, not wilfulness, in the case; and
so nothing could come of it, but a pretence, as I much apprehended, to
use me still more severely than I had been used.
She was then pleased to charge me with prepossession and prejudice. She
expatiated upon the duty of a child. She imputed to me abundance of fine
qualities; but told me, that, in this case, that of persuadableness was
wanting to crown all. She insisted upon the merit of obedience, although
my will were not in it. From a little hint I gave of my still greater
dislike to see Mr. Solmes, on account of the freedom I had treated him
with, she talked to me of his forgiving disposition; of his infinite
respect for me; and I cannot tell what of this sort.
I never found myself so fretful in my life: and so I told my aunt; and
begged her pardon for it. But she said, it was well disguised then; for
she saw nothing but little tremors, which were usual with young ladies
when they were to see their admirers for the first time; and this might
be called so, with respect to me; since it was the first time I had
consented to see Mr. Solmes in that light--but that the next--
How, Madam, interrupted I--Is it then imagined, that I give this meeting
on that footing?
To be sure it is, Child.
To be sure it is, Madam! Then I do yet desire to decline it.--I will
not, I cannot, see him, if he expects me to see him upon those terms.
Niceness, punctilio, mere punctilio, Niece!--Can you think that your
appointment, (day, place, hour,) and knowing what the intent of it was,
is to be interpreted away as a mere ceremony, and to mean nothing?--Let
me tell you, my dear, your father, mother, uncles, every body, respect
this appointment as the first act of your compliance with their wills:
and therefore recede not, I desire you; but make a merit of what cannot
be avoided.
O the hideous wretch!--Pardon me, Madam.--I to be supposed to meet
such a man as that, with such a view! and he to be armed with such an
expectation!--But it cannot be that he expects it, whatever others may
do.--It is plain he cannot, by the fears he tell you all he shall have
to see me. If his hope were so audacious, he could not fear so much.
Indeed, he has this hope; and justly founded too. But his fear arises
from his reverence, as I told you before.
His reverence!--his unworthiness!--'Tis so apparent, that even he
himself sees it, as well as every body else. Hence his offers
to purchase me! Hence it is, that settlements are to make up for
acknowledged want of merit!
His unworthiness, say you!--Not so fast, my dear. Does not this look
like setting a high value upon yourself?--We all have exalted notions of
your merit, Niece; but nevertheless, it would not be wrong, if you were
to arrogate less to yourself; though more were to be your due than your
friends attribute to you.
I am sorry, Madam, it should be thought arrogance in me, to suppose I am
not worthy of a better man than Mr. Solmes, both as to person and mind:
and as to fortune, I thank God I despise all that can be insisted upon
in his favour from so poor a plea.
She told me, It signified nothing to talk: I knew the expectation of
every one.
Indeed I did not. It was impossible I could think of such a strange
expectation, upon a compliance made only to shew I would comply in all
that was in my power to comply with.
I might easily, she said, have supposed, that every one thought I was
beginning to oblige them all, by the kind behaviour of my brother and
sister to me in the garden, last Sunday; by my sister's visit to me
afterwards in my chamber (although both more stiffly received by me,
than were either wished or expected); by my uncle Harlowe's affectionate
visit to me the same afternoon, not indeed so very gratefully received
as I used to receive his favours:--but this he kindly imputed to the
displeasure I had conceived at my confinement, and to my intention to
come off by degrees, that I might keep myself in countenance for my past
opposition.
See, my dear, the low cunning of that Sunday-management, which then
so much surprised me! And see the reason why Dr. Lewen was admitted to
visit me, yet forbore to enter upon a subject about which I thought he
came to talk to me!--For it seems there was no occasion to dispute with
me on the point I was to be supposed to have conceded to.--See, also,
how unfairly my brother and sister must have represented their pretended
kindness, when (though the had an end to answer by appearing kind) their
antipathy to me seems to have been so strong, that they could not help
insulting me by their arm-in-arm lover-like behaviour to each other; as
my sister afterwards likewise did, when she came to borrow my Kempis.
I lifted up my hands and eyes! I cannot, said I, give this treatment a
name! The end so unlikely to be answered by means so low! I know whose
the whole is! He that could get my uncle Harlowe to contribute his part,
and to procure the acquiescence of the rest of my friends to it, must
have the power to do any thing with them against me.
Again my aunt told me, that talking and invective, now I had given the
expectation, would signify nothing. She hoped I would not shew every
one, that they had been too forward in their constructions of my desire
to oblige them. She could assure me, that it would be worse for me, if
now I receded, than if I had never advanced.
Advanced, Madam! How can you say advanced? Why, this is a trick upon
me! A poor low trick! Pardon me, Madam, I don't say you have a hand in
it.--But, my dearest Aunt, tell me, Will not my mother be present at
this dreaded interview? Will she not so far favour me? Were it but to
qualify--
Qualify, my dear, interrupted she--your mother, and your uncle Harlowe
would not be present on this occasion for the world--
O then, Madam, how can they look upon my consent to this interview as an
advance?
My aunt was displeased at this home-push. Miss Clary, said she, there is
no dealing with you. It would be happy for you, and for every body else,
were your obedience as ready as your wit. I will leave you--
Not in anger, I hope, Madam, interrupted I--all I meant was, to observe,
that let the meeting issue as it may, and as it must issue, it cannot be
a disappointment to any body.
O Miss! you seem to be a very determined young creature. Mr. Solmes
will be here at your time: and remember once more, that upon the coming
afternoon depend upon the peace of your whole family, and your own
happiness.
And so saying, down she hurried.
Here I will stop. In what way I shall resume, or when, is not left to
me to conjecture; much less determine. I am excessively uneasy!--No good
news from your mother, I doubt!--I will deposit thus far, for fear of
the worst.
Adieu, my best, rather, my only friend! CL. HARLOWE.